May 17 2014

May 17 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I am back from my morning walk. Today it is going to be hot and the heat challenged me. I am in my sit mode until I get my energy and breath back. Junior is a sweetheart and is making lunch for us today. Life is so sweet.

My doctor didn't want me to use a walker because I may become too dependent on it. At this point I know I can't do the amount of time I do without the aid of the walker. I also don't feel stable enough to walk with just my cane up the hill and back down again. When I begin to tire I find myself stumbling more so I will continue to use the walker for exercise at this point.

I don't need it in the house or when I am shopping and such. I do get a buggy whenever I can. We were at a store recently and the buggies were all taken so I walked around with just my cane. I had to sit down in short order because I was wore out. So I need help and I'm OK with that.

My son called me on his own last night and I was thrilled. He has been worried about how he will take care of Junior and I as we get older living 10 hours away. We talked for an hour about the plans Junior and I have put into place for our older years. M wants me to move back to MI if something happens to Junior. At this point I'm not sure I will. We have money set aside for the time we may need help in caring for each other or ourselves. That comforted my son. Next I told him his cousin is moving out here to be near her Mom and us. She is like a daughter to Junior and I and I am sure she will care for us as needed. That comforted my son. So I told him to ask his questions and I will be frank with him about our plans.

He is worried about his father and mother-in-law. Neither one has a sound financial plan in place for their retirement years. He kept saying how much he appreciated our preparations. I like that when we need him he can come and be a comfort and not be wrapped up in the day in and day out business of our being cared for.

I believe he will also be willing to help my niece out when the time comes. I don't think he will leave everything for her to deal with. We will see. We started this conversation and hopefully he won't hesitate to ask more questions as they come.

After 17 years the fall out from my divorce from his father is settling and I don't have to keep explaining myself. I've attempted not to but at times when he asked I have to admit I did try.

These days I think he gets it. It is what it is and I am sad but I can't change the past and all I can do is go forward. He is accepting all of this at last.

I have come to terms that my daughter may not ever come back into my life. I still pray for her and pray for a day we can let the past stay in the past. If it does not come in my life time I am accepting of that.

My niece fills that daughter roll for me. They let Junior and I come alongside of them and help the way we help out. They don't expect money and they are happy with us helping them paint, odd jobs and such. I called my niece on Mother's Day because I am generally down in the dumps that day. I feel like a failure as a mother even though I tried my best.

I am proud of where I am these days. I did not get here on my own though. God has taken me step by step to the point of where I am at now. I have many more changes and frankly knowing I am not alone I find myself willing to keep tackling life. The more I change the way God wants me to change the more content I am.

My marriage grows sweeter by the day. My writing career is taking off and I love putting into words the lessons I have learned. Our home is now the clean home I have kept in the past and life is truly sweet. Thank You Lord!

My eyes are still blurry, my new glasses have not come in yet. I have found a craft I can do with such poor vision and I am loving it. I am coloring things, wooden crosses, paper products and it works for now. As I get my new glasses my doctor has said that I should see like I have in the past so I hope to pull my tee shirt quilt out again and begin working on that.

I also am in prayer about what “ministry jobs” God wants me to be involved with. I attempted one more time to go back to folding bulletins and it did not work out. I am done with trying to make that work and I wait more on the Lord. He will make sure my life is full and rich and give me what I can handle. That is a huge comfort these days and I trust to wait on the Lord. It has been a process.....now I move forward and that is awesome.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet.