May 29 2014

May 29 2014

Greetings My Friend,

During my first conversations with God I asked Him to teach me to love people. I loved feeling God's love and somewhere inside of me I wanted to pass that love around.

In school I tended to hang out with the kids that were going to go to college, go to work right out of high school and such. They felt “right” to me. As I grew up and had a family I continued down that path. I worked in a bank and the people there were furthering their education. I went to college. I never finished college due to the stress at home.

I got enough education to help support my family and that was fine with me. I felt comfortable with my middle class life style. I was always attracted to the “James Dean, rebel without a cause” kind of man. It was what I knew as I look back on life.

Dad was one. My ex was one and even Junior has had his “bad boy” days. These type of men were also attracted to me. Somehow I always made them comfortable. Both my ex and Junior went from their rough ways to the middle class way of life.

My siblings went a different route. It was what they knew and felt comfortable in. Their life style was low middle class and that is where they thrived. For the longest time I felt “better” than them.

As I began my faith journey I was reconnecting with my sister and we were able to see each other with a different set of eyes. Things went well for several years. Junior and I moved to VA with the hopes of deepening our relationship with her and her husband.

About the time we moved I went through a crisis of health and emotional health and my ADHD displayed itself big time. For most of my life I was able to function and not annoy people because I ran at full steam juggling life which kept me on an even keel.

In VA I found that I annoyed some people big time including my sister. I heard comments that felt like I was lower than low. I began to feel inferior and my depression went south. I was the “strange” person and it felt awful.

My fear of my ex never fully left me. It got worse as I watched him on FB at my nieces wedding and I was not invited. My anxiety was out of control and the usual methods of coming back to square one was not working. My doctor put me on anti anxiety medication and soon I was working my way back to the person I had always been.

I also had health issues that slowed me down so my brain went faster than my body did. I had to handle new ways of dealing with life. I could no longer get up and do a few chores for a couple of hours at a time. It took a while but I did learn to do a little sit a little and then do some more until I finished my project.

One of our nephews has a lot of tattoos. They go down his arms, down his legs and all over his body. They are his “comfort”. He is also open to walking with Jesus. He struggles though when he goes to a church because people tend to not receive him. His life experiences were crazy like mine was and Junior's was as we grew up. He went the way he went. Due to the permanence of his tattoos people tend to judge him and won't allow him to walk away from his past. I hurt each time I hear how rejected he feels.

He is a good man. A gentle man and a patient man. He has been teaching me how to use my smart phone more effectively. I have felt safe with this man from the start of my meeting him. I am not afraid and men still scare me at times. Many times for me to move past my fear I have to ask God for help. He guides me and these days I am able to talk to men without a lot of posturing.

Sometimes when I am at church I tend to pick up vibes that those that have been walking with the Lord are somehow “better” and have a right to “judge” and they give off the impression they are going to heaven and “you” aren't.

Frankly that is not necessarily the case. I feel that church is a “hospital” for all “sinners” and that includes middle class people, bikers, people filled with tattoos and even those that have been promiscuous. For me a church is a place to gain strength to continue on in my journey. At times I give counsel, comfort or a helping hand as well.

When I look back on my journey I see where at one point I was a gossip, I held grudges and a whole host of things. I also see that step by step, day by day as I continued on in this journey that I am a “new creation in Christ”. I began to accept people right where they were at just as God accepted me right where I was at. I often shared parts of my journey so others could grow in their faith. That is the purpose of my blog.

We are all called to reach out with the Good News and to share God's love. God gives Agape love – seeking our highest good. My goal is to Agape love another which means I am not to be a floor mat and let people walk all over me in the “hope” people will get the message. That means I need to say “no” from time to time. I don't give money to each and every poor person just to give money. I sometimes give of my excess belongings, hire work, or give of my time. God guides me in my giving for the good of the one I am helping.

I end this with......are you open to accepting people right where they are at even if it foreign to you?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet