May 3 2014

May 3 2014

Greetings My Friend,

“Love the Lord with all your mind, with all your strength and with all your soul.” This thought rolls around in my brain again and again. So what does this look like? How can I love with all my strength? How can I love with my mind? This lady is at her questioning self again.

I wonder why questions always roll around inside of me. Can't I “just do it”? No for some reason questions are front and center more often than not. I can get upset or I can roll with it. Lately I roll with the questions and I don't beat myself up due to them. It is a part of who I am.

As I begin to break this passage down in my thoughts I start to understand the heart message God keeps wanting from me. He wants me lock, stock and barrel. I can't focus on God & money. It does no good. I soon begin to focus on money more than God. I need to trust God to provide my needs. I want to have control and control gives me a sense of safety.

So I've done the controlling route and did it work, not really. I tried to control the words that came out of my mouth, control my ex only he controlled me more so and on and on.

I thought if I followed the right set of rules I'd find the peace I was looking for only what was the right set of rules? I began observing people to find “normal” to find out none of us is “normal.”

As I entered into the workforce I watched others to learn how to get ahead at work. I learned to dress for success. I dressed in business clothes and still I did not feel like I had arrived. I moved up a bit and at some point I realized the more I moved up the more I needed to come in real early and stay late. I wasn't excited about that since I had a family I wanted to engage with. I held back on the move up the ladder routine.

When Dad was in the hospital with cancer Mom thought that demanding attitudes would help Dad. I found people not wanting to deal with her so I tried the softer approach. It kind of worked. I was able to get Dad's needs met quicker than Mom did with all her anger flaring. I felt my way was better. Was it? Dad got cared for quicker but was it really better. I think it was different and that made me feel superior for a moment anyway.

As I entered into a faith journey I found Agape love. That is the love I learned from God as He loved me. He always sought my highest good. I got plenty of “no's” but as I learned that those “no's” were for my good I was willing to change old patterns.

The more I strove to seek another person's good the less control I seemed to need to have. God works on you that way. The more you focus all your being on Him the more you find yourself changing. The more I changed the more I found myself liking “me.” I began to be comfortable in my own skin.

As I continued a daily prayer time with God I began to open up about the deep wounds inside of me. I even cried a few times and felt God's tenderness on me. As I felt accepted as I was the more I was willing to let go of old patterns and habits.

Today I am not the fearful person of my past. I have confidence and it feels good. This confidence I have is not in my own steam but it comes from God loving me and seeking my highest.

Today I get “all my mind, my strength and all my heart.” It is learning to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on the world. I have learned to let go of owning stuff for the sake of owning stuff. I strive to seek my needs and to let go of my wants. Some days I have to sort through what a true need and a want is.

I have hypoglycemia and I need to eat every 3 – 4 hrs. As I find that each time I need to eat that there is food available at home or the opportunity to get food when I am out I marvel at God's provision.

I am in a season of seeing poorly due to cataracts. I learn in this season many things. I understand more fully a persons inability to see. I find I have more compassion and I like this in me. As I struggle with arthritis pain I am more sensitive to people's pain. So I learn in seasons of discomfort.

As that season passes and some won't I begin to have compassion on a deeper level. I understand and then I strive to meet another persons needs. So some of the seasons of hardship are for my good. I like that. Are there hard seasons where I wish it would end? Yes there are but I also know that season will pass and I am not alone. I find that I am braver when I know I am not alone.

Arthritis is not going to ever go away completely. I have also learned to deal with the pain earlier and that pain is not as strong as often. I know when to take a pain pill and I don't need one all the time. So this season won't pass but God has taught me to deal with it. This pain no longer overwhelms me and I mange it.

My daily prayer times and Bible study time helps me to be so focused on God that I find little else filling my brain these days.

Where is your focus?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet