May 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today as I journal I find myself reflecting deeply and I find that my life hasn’t gone the way I had envisioned it. I saw me raising two children and the children being proud of me as their mother. I saw myself being a grandma and having the family around me. Life has not worked out the way I had pictured it in my mind. Part of my depression these past few years is that picture I had and my reality did not line up with each other. With God though I have found life to be worth living even if it isn’t turning out like I thought it would. When I keep seeking God I find myself doing things I never thought I could. I find myself being content with “who” I am and to whom I am married. Junior has been the outcast his whole life. He moved so much that he was always the new kid at school and he always had to prove himself. He still finds that at times he has a need to prove himself. He has gotten used to being the unpopular person and he is comfortable with this role. I see a man who has a very tender heart. I see a man who is attempting to live his faith daily and in doing so he tries to be the husband God is teaching him to be. Junior watched the grandkids for a bit while Mom went to school and Dad worked. Junior was wild with those kids. He played way too hard. I wish he would not have but I can’t change what he did. The family now has little use for this man. It makes me sad but I can’t make them love him or see the gem he really is. I am content with Junior though. God keeps opening my eyes to this wonderful man. He has flaws. We all do. Overall I wouldn’t change Junior though. We’ve been married 15 years now and frankly life with Junior has been more than pleasant. After living in fear for most of my life, I am content to live alongside of Junior. He has never offered to hit me. He has set the guidelines and I know what will set him off so I stay away from those moments. He can’t take slamming of doors, crashing of dishes. I know not to go “there.” I like I have the parameters to live within. When Junior raises his voice, I know I have gone over the line and I tend to pull back. I know to leave him alone and in short order we will be friends. I like that we make up fast after an argument. I like that he loves me even when we have fought. It has taken me a long time to realize Junior meant it when he asked me if I would take marriage seriously. He has meant that divorce is not an option and at this point I believe him. I have driven the car in the ditch on our property not once but two times. Both times Junior never raised his voice with me. The second time he let me know that he was not happy. He never raised his hand at me. When the car was out of the ditch, we were friends right away. Prior to Junior I would have heard swearing; screaming and I would see fists flying. It is what I knew so a man who could be angry and not give in to violence is strange to me. Junior has my awe, my respect. He may have his hard to deal with ways but I find that I can deal with those. I find that I am willing to deal with his flaws because he is willing to deal with my flaws. I am not a person who will respond with a harsh voice, or a fist. I tend to get obstinate so Junior has learned if he wants me to change, to stop that he needs to do it gently. I respond real well with gentleness. It is who I am and how I respond best. So I find with some people we are not “popular” and you know what? That is ok. Prior to Junior I would have done anything to get people to like me. Junior teaches me that no matter how hard I try someone will find me offensive. I live with me as I am and frankly the more I learn to accept myself the way I am, the happier I am. I can’t change to make everyone happy. I’d like to but I can’t. Out here in Virginia people tend to “get” Junior. I see an acceptance I did not see in Michigan. It is wonderful. People tend to know Junior is a bit too frank and they like him anyway. It helps me. Junior feels secure in the Lord and does not care what others think of him. As we are together more and more I am able to process this “who I am in the Lord” thing and God always holds me tight. So being the most popular person becomes less and less important to me. I also marvel at where I once was and where I am today. On my own I could not have made the changes that I have made. With Jesus as my Savior, my guide I am able to grow even in my older years and frankly that feels wonderful. I am able to live life, accept where I am in life and move forward all because Jesus loves me. In love I am able to be I think a better person. I am able to face life even if family does not want me. Do I hurt? Sure I do but somehow the more I give it to God, the less it matters and life is sweet. Do you try to please man or God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I turned on Joyce Meyers and I am learning as I watch her program. It is a lesson I know and continue to learn. You reap what you sow. My words affect the outcome of my life overall. If I am constantly critical then my words will come back to me in a harsh way. If I am kind and loving I will reap kindness and love. Through the years I have also learned that the way I think or those private thoughts also affect me. I may say nice things but think critical thoughts. Those critical thoughts will come back and haunt me. I have been struggling for more than a decade to leave the anger from a previous life behind me. I have tried and tried and finally I have started asking God to help me. God has been faithful and for the first time in many years I can go days without fear and anger trying to rise up at the back of my mind. I marvel at God. Through the years I have learned to pray for those I struggle with emotionally. When I first married Junior he insisted that I learn to pray for my ex. For some reason when I pray for people I don’t harbor hatred and anger. I have struggled with fear but that is now finally leaving me. We can’t seem to lift people up and want the worst for them. I truly don’t hate my ex. I don’t want to be near him but I don’t hate him. I even marvel that I can finally admit that at one point I even loved him. I have hated admitting to myself that. Still there was a point that I did find him attractive. I now know peace with a man. Junior is gentle, kind and loving. He is the first man I have met in my life that is not constantly giving into his anger thus scaring the daylights out of me. Junior does get angry but I know he will not shove a fist at me in his anger even when I’ve screwed up and I find that amazing. When I drove the car in the ditch for the second time in a year, he was pretty angry. I knew he was not happy with me. Junior gets irritated with me frequently. I have been struggling big time with the way he works. He works on several projects at one time. I know that part of it is his back. He needs to move into another job when his back is hurting him and he will come back to it when he can. Still I struggle to see 3 projects going at the same time and nothing is finished. For me I start a project and work at it until it is done before moving onto the next thing. It is who I am. Junior is who he is. I find if I can focus on Junior’s good qualities then I am able to accept his hard to accept qualities. He is too good of a man to constantly be upset with over the way he works. I learn to appreciate Junior for the person he is, not the dream I have in my mind’s eye. When I kept writing Junior notes and telling him about his good qualities I found myself overlooking the annoying things he does. I find myself not wanting to criticize him because he is different than me and I begin to see his unique ways. As I begin to accept his unique ways I see his creative ways and I find I enjoy them immensely. Junior is very talented and he comes up with unique ideas that I totally love. He does that by the way he works, not by the way I work. The more I accept Junior and his ways I also find that he is tolerant of my hyper ways. He doesn’t seem to notice that I have an overly active mind. I can change subjects in a conversation often. Through the years I have seen people get irritated with me because of this trait. Junior is cute. He often says “she’s just that way.” He doesn’t seem to get that I am over active. He knows that is what I do and frankly he accepts that quirk in my personality. I find the more he accepts me just the way I am the more I strive to accept his strange to me ways. It seems to keep coming back to accepting people where they are at. Not everyone is into being overly organized like I am. When we go to MI I try to set up dates with various family and friends so we know what day we see certain people. It is what makes me comfortable. I have a few people on my list that will not set up an advance date with me. It drives me nuts. Still I try to accept them for who they are and we generally find time to get together. I am learning to call them on my way or when I get to MI and somehow we hook up. Junior likes the house with clutter. I don’t. I am learning to leave a few things alone and the house doesn’t get awful. I come from a family of hoarders. It is in the bloodline and I am fearful that the things in my life will one day overtake me. I want to be vigilant at keeping clutter under control. Junior is teaching me that clutter does not have to rule me. We can have an item or two out of place and not live in piles everywhere. When Junior gets up from his chair he will take the dishes we’ve brought into the TV area with him. He often will come into the area and if I’ve gotten something to eat he will walk off with my plate. The more I accept where Junior’s comfort level is the more he strives to be neat for me. We have a balance of neatness that works for the two of us. I am not constantly upset that he doesn’t pick up each item the way I like. He is not upset that the house is too neat. We meet in the middle. That is a very nice feeling. Do you accept your spouse for the person they are or are you trying to make them more like you? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 25, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I enter back into the land of the living. I have had an MRI and found that I have a birth defect which seems strange to find at my age. I finally have an understanding of what is going on with my body and that helps a lot. The brain stem is growing into the vertebrae. This creates the neck pain and some of the headaches I’ve been dealing with alongside of my balance problems and my hand shaking and my neat handwritings days are now over. Knowledge helps me to deal with the issues I’ve been struggling with and I find I am not as irritated with myself these days. My needing a cane has not been the struggle I have had with my handwriting. I could not figure out why my hands were shaking when I’d try to write….a simple task really but one I’m struggling with. Many mornings find me waking up with a headache and a neck ache. Two cups of coffee later it generally goes away. Last week I went to church only to ask Junior to bring me back home. I could not move past the pain. I came home took two Advil and slept most of the afternoon. When I got up I felt like I would live. My goal is to take medication only when caffeine doesn’t work. Most days I wake up with pain and a headache. By the time the 2nd cup of coffee is drunk I generally find I can function and move on with the day. I’m grateful that the coffee helps me function. Again I realize that working is not something I can do anymore. I thought having a part time job would be icing on the cake in retirement. I could have something to go to two or three days a week and not feel the rigid routine of a full time job. Nope, the girl can’t even do that these days. I do feel my blog is my part time job and at times I feel that God wants me to do that. If I were my younger self, I’d want to be going all the time and writing would be something I’d want to do but would find it hard to sit and do. Junior has set me up an office area and I love it. I mainly sit in the entry way during the day in a recliner which is comfy. I have an end table that is beside the chair. Junior took an old step ladder, painted it and put a shelf on the steps so I have room to store several types of office utensils. I have a calendar next to me and a bulletin board so I can tack up things as I need to. The land line phone is right next to my chair which is nice as well. Junior has thought through so many details that he once more amazes me. I start my mornings in this chair on the computer moving through my day. It is a routine I enjoy a ton. I sit here, drink my coffee, eat breakfast and move through the first part of my day. More and more when I have ended this time I begin to do some housework, go for a walk or walk on the ellipse. Yup retirement is settling nicely finally. As I write I also realize again that the depression that has been hanging on for a few years now is finally going away. I am a person who needs order and routines to function and as our lives settle back to routines and order I find myself able to contend with life so much better. Our home looks more like a home these days. We still don’t have a kitchen per se but that is slowly changing as well. Junior has begun working in the kitchen and one day it will be complete. I also find that I love it when Junior is on his computer and I am on mine. He is now taking a computer class so he is not playing solitaire as much. He likes keeping his brain active and for him taking a class allows him to do that. For me, I’m not a student per se. I don’t want to “make” the grade. I like classes that don’t require a grade because I want to be the “best” and frankly we are not all the best. I do like learning new things like crocheting, cross stitch and the like and I am in search of a class that will teach me how to do these projects. I only know one stitch with crocheting and I’d like to learn a few more things. I have found a couple of quilt projects with cross stitch and my brain can’t seem to wrap itself around the quilting piece so I’d like to have some help with that. Once more I sense God is moving me out of my depression. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew this depression would leave. I knew that God did not want to keep me in the state I was in. That has been a comfort to me. Gone are the days where I had absolutely no hope. I am a loved child of God. That sustains me so much anymore. The world may not like me but God does. In God I find I have a purpose, a reason to keep on keeping on. As I continue to pray through the cross most nights I find myself ever so thankful for the gift of Jesus’ death for us. Gone are the days where I don’t want to look at the horror of the cross. I still don’t like that Jesus went through all that but these days I find myself grateful for this precious gift. Because God cared and wanted to be in relationship with us, He provided a way for us to be in relationship with Him. To me it is amazing and filled with so much love. In the midst of despair I continue to have a real hope and I know that I will one day see the other side of my struggles. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Since God has asked me to give more of myself to Him and I found the stubborn part of me not wanting to, I have been in prayer asking God to help me overcome this struggle. Slowly I find peace settling within me and I find that one of my greatest wonderments starts to take shape. I often wonder what heaven will be like, what eternity will be like. Sometimes I get the notion that we will be a peace of God like a cell in the brain or such. Where did I get that idea? Then I sometimes think we will sit around on clouds playing harps and that is it. I can conjure up all kinds of strange thoughts. As I find myself feeling a little more at peace about allowing God to have all of me I find my thoughts turning to heaven again. This time I almost sense God telling me to look at Jesus after the resurrection. As I begin to recall the time that Jesus was on earth after He rose from the dead I find myself feeling calmer about heaven. I first see Mary in the garden asking Jesus where her Lord went. Jesus then says “Mary” and her eyes are opened to the fact that the man standing before her is Jesus. Mary is so excited to see Jesus. I always feel excited as I read this. As I do my recall I see Jesus come alongside the disciples as they walked down the road. They were upset about Jesus’ death and were talking about all that had happened. Jesus then told them about the Scripture that said he would die and rise from the dead. It was getting dark so they invited Jesus to stay with them. They shared a meal and Jesus took the bread and broke it and at that point the disciples realized it was Jesus they were with. Another scene shows Jesus walking into the room through the door, not an open door but the door closed. He then talks with the disciples. In another scene I see Jesus grilling fish for the fishermen out in the water. Overall I see Jesus with His body doing what we do in life. I see Him walking, reaching out to touch people and the like. As I process this information I find that all the strange questions I can conjure up begin to settle in my mind. I still don’t know exactly what heaven will be like but I feel calmer. I sense we will have purpose. I find myself often remembering that in heaven there will be no more pain or sorrow. As I struggle with this life’s major hurts I find that I truly long for a day of no pain or sorrow. I find also that I need to believe in an after- life. I find I need to believe in heaven and that thought comforts me. The struggles of this life will pass away and we live forever and ever. The eternity tends to send my thoughts off. I can’t imagine forever and ever. I try to but I can’t. I can only relate to what I know now. I know that we will have days of bliss, days of struggle. That is what I know. To be in a time that goes on forever and ever with no pain or sorrow? It is strange but I do long for such a thing. From time to time I even ponder Hell. I don’t stay with that thought very long. Generally when I think of Hell I think of Jesus dying. I think about the scourging. I think about bone and glass tied to the whip. I then think how deep the welts were on Jesus’ back and I generally want to cry. I think about how much blood Jesus must have lost. I see Him being mocked. That was cruel as well. I see the robe being put on his very tender back and think about major discomfort. I think His back doesn’t want the garment on it. Next I see nails pounded in Jesus flesh again I wince. We were not made to be hammered to a tree. Next I see Jesus struggling to get air into His lungs. He will pull up to fill His lungs, sink down till the air is out of his lungs only to rise up again. He did this for hours. Next I see Jesus’ tender back riding up and down as He tries to get air in his lungs and I imagine that His back was tore up even more. I have read that the scourging very likely could have taken His skin away and bare bone was exposed. Yup my stomach generally feels like a knot. As I go through Jesus’ last hours I marvel at the compassion He had. With all that pain Jesus prays for those who were hurting Him. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Me….I’d probably want to cry, to not talk, to be about my pain. Not Jesus. He prays for those who were so cruel. Of course there is Jesus telling John to take His mother home with him to live. Lastly the one thief believes in Jesus, admits his sin and asks Jesus to be with Him in heaven. Jesus told the thief that he would be in paradise that day. That last interaction always gives me so much hope. From what I understand a faith journey is asking to let Jesus into our lives with a true heart. I also think we need to open ourselves to Jesus and the changes that He will make within us. As I have entered into this faith journey by asking to be forgiven of my sins and that Jesus would be Savior in my life, I see myself changing from what I once was to what I am now. It is not generally an instant change, at least it wasn’t for me. I can now look over the past many years and I see a very different person. I find myself talking to God on and off throughout the day. I am thankful, grateful and I now have a confidence I did not have at one time in my life. As I hurt I feel God’s tender touch on me. As I grow I feel God’s gentle direction in my life. I find myself trying harder and harder to please God. My goal is to give the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. What is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Since God has asked me to give more of myself to Him and I found the stubborn part of me not wanting to, I have been in prayer asking God to help me overcome this struggle. Slowly I find peace settling within me and I find that one of my greatest wonderments starts to take shape. I often wonder what heaven will be like, what eternity will be like. Sometimes I get the notion that we will be a peace of God like a cell in the brain or such. Where did I get that idea? Then I sometimes think we will sit around on clouds playing harps and that is it. I can conjure up all kinds of strange thoughts. As I find myself feeling a little more at peace about allowing God to have all of me I find my thoughts turning to heaven again. This time I almost sense God telling me to look at Jesus after the resurrection. As I begin to recall the time that Jesus was on earth after He rose from the dead I find myself feeling calmer about heaven. I first see Mary in the garden asking Jesus where her Lord went. Jesus then says “Mary” and her eyes are opened to the fact that the man standing before her is Jesus. Mary is so excited to see Jesus. I always feel excited as I read this. As I do my recall I see Jesus come alongside the disciples as they walked down the road. They were upset about Jesus’ death and were talking about all that had happened. Jesus then told them about the Scripture that said he would die and rise from the dead. It was getting dark so they invited Jesus to stay with them. They shared a meal and Jesus took the bread and broke it and at that point the disciples realized it was Jesus they were with. Another scene shows Jesus walking into the room through the door, not an open door but the door closed. He then talks with the disciples. In another scene I see Jesus grilling fish for the fishermen out in the water. Overall I see Jesus with His body doing what we do in life. I see Him walking, reaching out to touch people and the like. As I process this information I find that all the strange questions I can conjure up begin to settle in my mind. I still don’t know exactly what heaven will be like but I feel calmer. I sense we will have purpose. I find myself often remembering that in heaven there will be no more pain or sorrow. As I struggle with this life’s major hurts I find that I truly long for a day of no pain or sorrow. I find also that I need to believe in an after- life. I find I need to believe in heaven and that thought comforts me. The struggles of this life will pass away and we live forever and ever. The eternity tends to send my thoughts off. I can’t imagine forever and ever. I try to but I can’t. I can only relate to what I know now. I know that we will have days of bliss, days of struggle. That is what I know. To be in a time that goes on forever and ever with no pain or sorrow? It is strange but I do long for such a thing. From time to time I even ponder Hell. I don’t stay with that thought very long. Generally when I think of Hell I think of Jesus dying. I think about the scourging. I think about bone and glass tied to the whip. I then think how deep the welts were on Jesus’ back and I generally want to cry. I think about how much blood Jesus must have lost. I see Him being mocked. That was cruel as well. I see the robe being put on his very tender back and think about major discomfort. I think His back doesn’t want the garment on it. Next I see nails pounded in Jesus flesh again I wince. We were not made to be hammered to a tree. Next I see Jesus struggling to get air into His lungs. He will pull up to fill His lungs, sink down till the air is out of his lungs only to rise up again. He did this for hours. Next I see Jesus’ tender back riding up and down as He tries to get air in his lungs and I imagine that His back was tore up even more. I have read that the scourging very likely could have taken His skin away and bare bone was exposed. Yup my stomach generally feels like a knot. As I go through Jesus’ last hours I marvel at the compassion He had. With all that pain Jesus prays for those who were hurting Him. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Me….I’d probably want to cry, to not talk, to be about my pain. Not Jesus. He prays for those who were so cruel. Of course there is Jesus telling John to take His mother home with him to live. Lastly the one thief believes in Jesus, admits his sin and asks Jesus to be with Him in heaven. Jesus told the thief that he would be in paradise that day. That last interaction always gives me so much hope. From what I understand a faith journey is asking to let Jesus into our lives with a true heart. I also think we need to open ourselves to Jesus and the changes that He will make within us. As I have entered into this faith journey by asking to be forgiven of my sins and that Jesus would be Savior in my life, I see myself changing from what I once was to what I am now. It is not generally an instant change, at least it wasn’t for me. I can now look over the past many years and I see a very different person. I find myself talking to God on and off throughout the day. I am thankful, grateful and I now have a confidence I did not have at one time in my life. As I hurt I feel God’s tender touch on me. As I grow I feel God’s gentle direction in my life. I find myself trying harder and harder to please God. My goal is to give the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. What is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Last night I was at the Women’s Bible study I attend. We are reading “A Woman after God’s Heart”. We learned our role in keeping a home for our family and it is something I believe but struggle to produce. When my kids were small I always enjoyed having furniture that dated back in time. To me it was a way to enter into the house and find a peaceful past that allowed you for a bit anyways to take the care of the world and leave it at the door. Of course our home was full of tension and fighting so it may have appeared to be a step back in time but we lived in chaos. I tried to cook homemade meals, cookies and I really liked making sweet breads. I love the smell of foods blending into the aroma of a home. During the Christmas season I found myself trying to bake up a storm. I did it for the smells and I found that giving baked goods away was a nice present to give to others. I gave of myself and that always makes me feel good. I remember as a very young child that my Grandma R’s house was always clean. I loved walking into her bedroom and seeing her bed made, the floors freshly swept. I had the same feeling when I went to my mother-in-laws home. She always walked into the room as she was cleaning or baking. It felt nice. I tried to be that for my family. I tried to have some sort of food cooking. I like making soup because you tend to put it on the stove and let it blend together for a few hours. To me there is wholesomeness in the smell of food filling the air in the home. With my strange sleep patterns of late I have gotten away from cooking again. Today I made a grilled cheese for lunch. I love it cooked in olive oil as opposed to butter. It is so tasty to me. It feels real wholesome especially if I used cheddar instead of processed cheese. I am happy even if I don’t manage to keep cooking daily. Well I never really make meals daily. Junior and I tend to eat the same meal for a day or two before I make something else. It works and I don’t feel so overwhelmed with making a meal or two each and every day. Now that I have my bowels under control again I find myself eating more fruits and vegetables and less junk food. That makes me happy. As the days are warmer I am once more outside walking and enjoying this form of exercise. I also find that I am making time to move about the house and get a few things accomplished. That makes me feel real good and productive. I like to feel productive. I am writing my blog three days a week now and I feel like I have a job outside the home so to speak. I enjoy sharing my faith journey. Some days I’m real good at this journey and some days I get by. Since my retirement I have found my health falling apart. In the midst of depression, health issues and the like though my walk with God has sustained me and in the past I would have wanted to give up. These days though I know that I know that there will be the other side where I will feel like being a part of the human race. That thought alone helps me move through health issues and depression. I continue to learn how to take my entire life to God. I talk to God daily about what is troubling me and God keeps telling me I am worth it. When I feel I am worth it I feel like joining the land of the living. I feel like I want to reach outside of myself and reach another person just for God. So my kids aren’t thrilled with their mother? My siblings think I’m a bit daffy? God keeps telling me that I am precious and useful and He loves me. Since starting my walk with the Lord I find that I don’t feel alone anymore. Even Junior who is about as reliable as they get will sometimes check out on me. God does not and in that I feel safe and wanted and alive. As I struggled with the “unwanted” feelings I found myself listing the people who care in my thoughts. It wasn’t the list I wanted but then I began to see if the ones I wanted to care don’t that these other people find me enjoyable, loveable and even smart. The more I’d list them the less need I had to have for the ones I pictured to be my supporters and accepted the ones that were there all the time. I also began to see that God kept putting me in relationships. First there was Junior. I marveled that I could truly enjoy a man, be his friend and Junior isn’t mean and scary to me. All the men prior to Junior that were in my life were mean and scary. Not Junior. He can be real tuff and he can be real gentle and I am so happy to know that about men. If I need defending, Junior is front and center. He lets me handle the struggles as I desire to and then he will step in. That is such a wonderful feeling. M from work has become a close friend. We share the sting of abuse and we understand each other on a level a lot of people don’t understand. M has been around since we were children and she can often guide me through moments of self-study So life hasn’t turned out the way I have pictured it to be. I’m not the Grandma I thought I’d be. I’ve spent so much time trying to avoid my ex that I’ve missed a lot of my grandchildren’s growing up years. It is what it is. I am sad but in the Lord….life is sweet. I don’t live in fear like I have for years. I know a man’s warmth and love. I know the feeling of being accepted and wanted. Yup, I’d rather do life in the Lord than without the Lord! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 18, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I’ve been to the neurologist and I have found out that I have a birth defect. It is strange to hear the words birth defect at my age. Until now I did not know I had a problem so it is confusing. I was dumbfounded when I heard and now questions arise. I will need to wait to talk to my doctor because as I try to research on line I’m not getting a response to my particular problem. My UN balanced ways at present seem to be because my brain stem hangs too low in my vertebrae. I was dumb founded when I heard the news. The doctor suggested a visit to a surgeon and I’m a little concerned about surgery on my brain stem and my vertebrae. I don’t see my family doctor for a couple of weeks. So I wait to absorb more information on my condition. I am grateful that I asked a friend to give me a thought about what was happening to me. It kept me from over focusing that I have a problem and making it something it was not. I was so surprised to find out I had a birth defect that I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the problem and now a few days later the questions seem to cloud around in my head. It has been hard for me to not over panic about what is going on inside of my body. That has been the way I have dealt with struggles in the past. I have learned through the years that the major things my brain can come up with are generally way off base to what I have so learning how to wait and hear what is wrong is new for me. I have taken my concern to God and I find a peace in waiting. My friend who knows a lot about health issues has given me enough information to keep my fear at bay. Then when I want to worry I go to prayer and I find peace settle within me. I went on line to try and see what I could determine and did not get much information. I did see that some of my night time up and down moments may be the result of my brain stem in my vertebrae but that is about all I could find. It is a birth defect and from what I can determine it is very uncommon. So I wait to talk to my doctor. For me old age has meant that I have health issues. I don’t have life threatening health issues but I am not able to be the woman I once was. I am learning how to move about more slowly and differently. I still want to tackle a project in a few hours and then move into life. Nope now I need to do the several hours thing in several days. I still struggle not being able to move about like I once did. I sit for hours and to be honest my brain is still trying to go a mile a minute and my body is not. It is a struggle. I appear to be lazy and the sad fact is I am not being lazy, I can’t move if I wanted to. Each day starts with a talk with myself about the list of chores I’d like to do. Some days I can and some days I can’t and it is what it is. That is my saving grace these days “it is what it is.” If I allow myself to believe that line then I am not beating myself up and being angry that I am not the person I once was. I find myself going to God more and more. He has comforted me through the divorce, the kids’ frustration with me. God has helped me deal with family thinking I’m not a very smart woman and the like. God has given me friends who enjoy me. God has given me Junior and as I discover how much I mean to him I find peace within my being. It isn’t what I wanted to be in life but in Jesus I find I can still wake up and enjoy what I do have. As we continue to settle here in Virginia I am amazed at how much we love where we are at. I love our home and thank God almost daily for this house, this place where we have moved. The weather is good for both Junior and I. It generally does not get as cold in the winter like Michigan does and it does not get Florida hot in the summer. For us we both are in a zone where the weather is good for each of us. Junior prefers winter and I prefer warmer weather and not the heat of the Deep South. It amazes me. I am able to move about as I am able. I love that too. I don’t know how I’d be able to work if I had to and I find myself so grateful that I was able to retire when my body was giving out on me. These days I can work at the pace my body wants me to and again I am thankful. I also am thankful that Junior is patient with my slower ways. The older I get the more I find I don’t want to live without God as my compass. I need God’s direction in most every detail of my life anymore. I’d like to give God even more of “me” but I am working through this issue. God asks for more of me and I find myself wanting to hold back. I don’t know why, I know that life in Jesus is way better than not. So where does this stubborn refusal come from? I keep going to prayer and I find myself letting go little by little. I don’t think I could have done this on my own. I find it strange that I still have these moments since I’ve been walking with the Lord in earnest now for a good 15-16 years. Again prayer helps me to keep moving closer to where God wants me to be so I find a peace grow within me. Where is your faith journey? Are you listening to Jesus? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is Monday and it is going the way I’ve dreamt about my days for a while now. I woke up and did my morning routine online. Ate breakfast and went for a walk. Today Junior, J and the dogs all joined me on my walk which was a lot of fun. J was taking pictures for me so I now need to figure out how to post them on FB…….the walk is beautiful. I came home put some chicken in the oven for lunch…..cleaned the bathroom sink and sprayed the shower. Yup today is moving along like I’ve dreamt a day at home to be for years now. Some house work is getting done, some writing, and walking the neighborhood enjoying the beauty…..yup life is sweet. After a rest I hope to mop floors. I have my next project taking shape in my mind which makes me happy. I love to plan and then do the plan. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I stick to the plan. I learned another hard lesson. Don’t get a milkshake at Pizza Plus after one in the afternoon. It was 3:00 before I got to sleep. I then only slept 6 hours so I don’t know if I will be nodding off but I am rolling with this as it goes along. Getting stuff done is like icing on the cake. J and Junior are busy on the carport under the new porch. I thought it was almost done…wrong again. They are putting stones along the pathway to keep dirt from sliding down. They have put cement in for a foundation and I’m sure there are a few other things that need to be done yet. I had thought that Junior was truly going to start in the kitchen…..he was cleaning up the yard and decided to put a carport in under the porch he built last fall. The man is so different than me and I sense his difference once more. I’d like to get worked up and fussy…..it won’t do any good. Junior works the Junior works. He can’t be anyone but himself so I can get myself worked up or I can accept him warts and all. Junior has also done a bit too much with the carport under the porch routine. He fussed at me the other day big time. I was befuddled and then he all of a sudden went to lay down. I at that point figured it out, the man was in pain big time. When he got up he was a lot friendlier. In my heart I believe Junior is trying to make this a special house just for me/us. When he finishes a project I find it amazing and just right for our lifestyle. Getting to the done part is a challenge for me so I continue to ask God to help me understand this foreign person I am married to. God has always softened my heart and I am grateful. In the end we love his work and it is just what we need so I can get worked up over his style of working or accept his strange to me ways. The more I accept his ways, the more we fall in love with each other. The less I fuss the harder he works even if it seems strange to me. So I try to involve myself in my own projects and slowly I see progress and I marvel and well life is sweet overall. Junior being patient with me also helps. I struggle to be what I once was. I struggle to figure out simple routines and Junior accepts this quirk in me. He could fuss at me and I’d feel bad but not be able to do things and we’d just feel rotten together or he says to himself this is where I am right now and we move on. The accepting this quirk of my nature right now makes me love him even more so. I’m struggling enough with “me” at this point I truly don’t need to be told by him about my deficiencies’. Again I am thankful for Junior. I am thankful that he accepts me when I can’t be what I’ve been. I am thankful that I can fall apart and he is not angry. I am thankful that he rejoices with me as I find my way back to the housekeeper I once was. As I deal with hands that shake, an unstable gate and a dullness of my brain I am grateful for Junior’s patience. He picks up the slack where I am lacking and when I can I come back where I can. I’ve decided that my older years mean that I learn to deal with a body that is not young anymore. I can’t do what I once did the way I used to do it. A several hour job now turns into several days and you know what? That is ok. As long as the work gets done it really does not matter how long it takes me to do it these days. Our house is more of a home these days and not a renovation nightmare. That helps me move out of confusion into planning and planning helps me to focus and do things. Confusion is not a strong point with me. You know what? That is ok. I love that phrase. It helps me accept the things that confuse me, frustrate me and I move out of despair so much easier. Junior allows me to be me, to fall down and to get up again and I find myself ever grateful for his gentleness and patience. The more he lets me be me, the more I strive to be a better housekeeper and not defend my right to be slower, duller these days. He knows I’m doing what I can when I can. So if he can accept me this way then I learn to live with his confusing style of work to me. Yup life is sweet…. God is great…..and I continue to grow in the Lord. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 15, 2013 Greetings My Friend, As I read the devotions today I am for God though that we praise Him, it is for our own good that we praise Him. The more I learn to tell God how wonderful He is, how awesome His creation is and to thank God for all that I have I begin to see that God is definitely in control. For me I like someone being in control. I like to control things only in controlling I never feel like I have things under control. I often will seek out a stronger personality to be friends with. I have tried to control things only to find I had no control over a situation. The more I praise God, the more I see what I do have. I love seeing God’s creation and am I am in awe of what details there are in creation. Take our bodies for example. My first moment of awe is we are able to have babies. A baby is a miracle to me. It is conceived by a man and a woman. It comes into being after growing inside the woman for 9 months. Amazing if you ask me and how about our bodies functioning? We have teeth to grind food up, we have digestive juices that break the food down and it is sent through our system to nourish it. The waste product is gotten rid of. Amazing! Sometimes I focus on the grain of sand or galaxies. Then I begin to look at animals. We have 4 dogs right now. Duke is a Blood Hound. Then there are the terrier looking dogs….the difference in their sizes amaze me. I marvel at the seasons. They come each year. They are orderly. Each day will turn into night. Again the more I look the more I am amazed. About the time I feel so alone in this world I look at God and His creation and I realize that God is control and I am not alone in this big scary world. That helps me face days where I feel so unwanted. God wants me and well that feels good. I heard one time a lady say “she is the child of the King.” Yup that can make me feel like I am a wanted child of God. So I feel rejected by family, that is ok, God wants me. Some days that is about the only way I can keep on keeping on. As an abused child I often dreamt of marrying a man that was bigger and stronger than my Dad. I had felt then the man could put Dad in his place. Of course I did marry a man bigger than Dad and he abused me much the same way Dad did. Had I learned to open all my heart and talk to God I would have been spared a lot of pain. I did discover talking to God with a sincere heart upon my divorce and even in my depression these days I know God loves me. I am not alone in this big at times very scary world. Then I begin to see people in my life. Junior, the man loves me. I’ve been told for so long that I am stubborn and probably deserved a lot of the wrath I got. Junior loves me. He isn’t afraid of my brain. He also will be upfront with me and I appreciate that. I am able to handle Junior’s comments because I know that he loves me. He handles my comments because he knows I love him. We are honest with each other even if the honest answer can hurt sometimes. Each day I thank God for Junior. I ask God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. There are times when God opens my eyes to a struggle Junior is going through. I am able to step beside Junior and offer the support he needs. There are times God has taught me to not say anything. Junior is in pain each and every day due to his back, his amputation and his hip. I’d like to “poor baby” Junior all over the place. God has taught me to watch quietly and let Junior work through his pain. When Junior needs me he tells me what he needs and I do for him if I can. Often Junior tells me he is so grateful that I don’t comment on each moment I see him in pain. The same goes for me. I often will mention that I am sick. I am not wanting to be “poor babied”. I want to give information so I can be left to deal with my struggle. After several months of having rolling stomach pain I said “Take me to the hospital” and there we found out I needed my appendix out. I never had major pain, just enough discomfort to be miserable. I wanted my husband to know I was struggling so if I was cranky he understood it was not him. Again in the praising I find I have much. I find I am wanted. I did this with Junior when we were first married and a good 10 years I wrote him a note each day. I started writing the note so when he came home he “felt” touched by me since I got home from work 3 hours later. I found myself only telling Junior what I admired in him. The more I told Junior what I liked it got harder for me to be constantly critical. I found myself accepting irritating habits. I found myself overlooking a cranky moment. Junior has been safe. I tell him often how safe I feel with him. I believe taking our marriage to prayer both in being thankful and asking for help has helped us to be close to each other. God teaches me to be the wife Junior needs. The more Junior and I are together the closer we are growing….it is wonderful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 11, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am up and about for the second time today. I woke up around 7:00 and went back to bed around 11:00 to finish off the night’s sleep. I do this often and it is one of the reasons I wanted to retire because sleeping all the way through the night is not something I do often anymore. I tend to sleep a few hours wake up, eat breakfast, look on line and then head back to bed for several hours. I don’t like it but it is what my body does so I am rolling with it. If I try to stay up I find myself napping on and off all day so I go back to bed and sleep the last of the night’s sleep and then I am able to begin to function better. So I go back to sleep wake up often times late in the morning or in the early afternoon. Most days it doesn’t matter now because I don’t have anything scheduled to be at. I find that I enter into my morning routine upon waking up and I slowly find my way to enter into the day. I don’t function like I once did right away when I wake up. Yesterday I did not allow enough wake -up time before church so I did not make it to Sunday school. I did meet Junior for services so I was happy about that. We then went to evening Bible study and I enjoyed that as well. I do like being with Junior and learning and growing in the Lord. Junior is good about letting me get my night’s sleep in as well. He won’t wake me unless I have to be somewhere and then he will try to convince me to wake up. If I don’t cooperate he just makes another appointment and lets me sleep. He is a gem. I had always envisioned I would be the person who was awake real early in the morning….kind of like what Junior does. He will only sleep 6 hours and then he wakes up for a few hours. For him this is a way to avoid nightmares from the war. He wakes up naturally and then later in the morning he lays down to sleep for a few more hours. Me….I tend to go to bed around midnight and sleep a few hours then I wake up for a couple of hours and then I am back to bed for the rest of the night’s sleep. At first I was getting upset with this routine. Lately I have decided to accept it and move on. When I tried staying up I found myself falling asleep in my chair all day long. These days I go back to bed and sleep the remaining hours of my night’s sleep. When I wake up I begin my day from that point and it is working. I have to get into a cooking routine and that so far has not settled for me. I know that the day is near though and I will once again make our big meal for lunch time and dinner will be a small meal. I am so grateful to be retired because this allows me to sleep the way I need to sleep. I don’t have to be mentally alert to do a job anymore and for that I am grateful. I am finding I use my brain time to be with my writing and that feels good. I cannot think the deep thoughts of yesteryear anymore and at this point I’m ok with that. So I continue to settle into retirement and I am even enjoying the process these days. I am past the dark days of depression and I find myself rolling with life as it comes. That is a comfort to me these days. Every few weeks I find myself adding to my day. I now do some housework throughout the week, make a few meals here and there and I am reading my Bible, doing a devotion or two and writing in a Bible journal I’ve started, writing in a personal journal or writing a blog. I love all the writing to be honest. As I put my thoughts down on paper so to speak I find myself enjoying using my brain more so. I would like to read more and hope that will be forthcoming soon. I’d also like to do some crafts so then my day would fill out and maybe I won’t watch TV as much as I have been. For the first 10 years of our marriage Junior and I did not watch TV. We would rent a movie most weekends and watch a couple of movies but no TV. Since retirement I am watching TV programs more. I don’t turn the TV on till late afternoon early evening so I may find that TV watching may slow down for me. I am also getting comfortable with the slower paced “Janet”. I in no way can move like I did in my younger years. It has been hard to learn how to be still and quiet when I’d rather be out doing and being with people. I often tell Junior that I love our “boring” life. I mean it as well. Junior is not a dramatic kind of guy. He does life in his own slow manner. The years of drama for drama sake are gone for me these days. I find that drama is not all that exciting and actually wears a person out. I love our life a ton. We travel, we laugh at each other’s antics and we enjoy our life. I like being home with Junior and we don’t have to have a lot of planned activities. I like staying in my pajamas all day many days a week. I like the day or two a week we run and do errands. Life if sweet to me and I am grateful to learn that drama all the time truly is not what it is cracked up to be. So life settles in retirement and I am comfortable to move at a much slower pace. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 11, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am up and about for the second time today. I woke up around 7:00 and went back to bed around 11:00 to finish off the night’s sleep. I do this often and it is one of the reasons I wanted to retire because sleeping all the way through the night is not something I do often anymore. I tend to sleep a few hours wake up, eat breakfast, look on line and then head back to bed for several hours. I don’t like it but it is what my body does so I am rolling with it. If I try to stay up I find myself napping on and off all day so I go back to bed and sleep the last of the night’s sleep and then I am able to begin to function better. So I go back to sleep wake up often times late in the morning or in the early afternoon. Most days it doesn’t matter now because I don’t have anything scheduled to be at. I find that I enter into my morning routine upon waking up and I slowly find my way to enter into the day. I don’t function like I once did right away when I wake up. Yesterday I did not allow enough wake -up time before church so I did not make it to Sunday school. I did meet Junior for services so I was happy about that. We then went to evening Bible study and I enjoyed that as well. I do like being with Junior and learning and growing in the Lord. Junior is good about letting me get my night’s sleep in as well. He won’t wake me unless I have to be somewhere and then he will try to convince me to wake up. If I don’t cooperate he just makes another appointment and lets me sleep. He is a gem. I had always envisioned I would be the person who was awake real early in the morning….kind of like what Junior does. He will only sleep 6 hours and then he wakes up for a few hours. For him this is a way to avoid nightmares from the war. He wakes up naturally and then later in the morning he lays down to sleep for a few more hours. Me….I tend to go to bed around midnight and sleep a few hours then I wake up for a couple of hours and then I am back to bed for the rest of the night’s sleep. At first I was getting upset with this routine. Lately I have decided to accept it and move on. When I tried staying up I found myself falling asleep in my chair all day long. These days I go back to bed and sleep the remaining hours of my night’s sleep. When I wake up I begin my day from that point and it is working. I have to get into a cooking routine and that so far has not settled for me. I know that the day is near though and I will once again make our big meal for lunch time and dinner will be a small meal. I am so grateful to be retired because this allows me to sleep the way I need to sleep. I don’t have to be mentally alert to do a job anymore and for that I am grateful. I am finding I use my brain time to be with my writing and that feels good. I cannot think the deep thoughts of yesteryear anymore and at this point I’m ok with that. So I continue to settle into retirement and I am even enjoying the process these days. I am past the dark days of depression and I find myself rolling with life as it comes. That is a comfort to me these days. Every few weeks I find myself adding to my day. I now do some housework throughout the week, make a few meals here and there and I am reading my Bible, doing a devotion or two and writing in a Bible journal I’ve started, writing in a personal journal or writing a blog. I love all the writing to be honest. As I put my thoughts down on paper so to speak I find myself enjoying using my brain more so. I would like to read more and hope that will be forthcoming soon. I’d also like to do some crafts so then my day would fill out and maybe I won’t watch TV as much as I have been. For the first 10 years of our marriage Junior and I did not watch TV. We would rent a movie most weekends and watch a couple of movies but no TV. Since retirement I am watching TV programs more. I don’t turn the TV on till late afternoon early evening so I may find that TV watching may slow down for me. I am also getting comfortable with the slower paced “Janet”. I in no way can move like I did in my younger years. It has been hard to learn how to be still and quiet when I’d rather be out doing and being with people. I often tell Junior that I love our “boring” life. I mean it as well. Junior is not a dramatic kind of guy. He does life in his own slow manner. The years of drama for drama sake are gone for me these days. I find that drama is not all that exciting and actually wears a person out. I love our life a ton. We travel, we laugh at each other’s antics and we enjoy our life. I like being home with Junior and we don’t have to have a lot of planned activities. I like staying in my pajamas all day many days a week. I like the day or two a week we run and do errands. Life if sweet to me and I am grateful to learn that drama all the time truly is not what it is cracked up to be. So life settles in retirement and I am comfortable to move at a much slower pace. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 8, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today I tend to keep finding a simple truth out. The simple truth is “little things in life are what truly touch the heart.” This started when I sat in my chair and my cat came and sat in my lap while I was in my office chair. I was reading, FBing and hanging out on the computer. Alex came and sat in my lap. Since we have gotten dogs Alex has stayed as far from them as he can. He now finds me and comes to me once again and frankly it is sweet. Junior was working around the house. I love being near this man. He was hammering something, I could hear him clang a dish as he washed dishes and I also heard him when he loved on one of the pets. Junior makes his noises and for me it is music to my ears. Sometimes I feel content when I have a phone chat with someone. It also happens when I drink a chocolate chip Frappuccino. At times I marvel that it truly is the little things in life that move me. Gone are the days where I thought a pretty house, a fancy career or car would make me feel loved down deep in my heart. It always tends to be those little tiny things that move me. Knowing that I matter to Junior is my latest moment of awe. Junior has always said that due to his upbringing he has had to let go of relationships and so he can shut a door and deal with life if need be. With this type of thinking I was never sure I mattered much to him. I knew he liked me, even loved me but I was not sure he would miss me. For some reason I needed to know that I mattered a whole lot to someone and with family I have not felt that wanted. Junior does want me that much as I have learned with my accident and my appendix surgery within 6 months of each other. He has been beside me like no one else in my life has stuck close to me. I have had moments of fear, of pain and he has been patient with me. As I have struggled with depression he has hung in there and consistently shown me that I am his woman. In this I find I matter and frankly it feels good. I am now moving out of depression and moving on with my life. I have learned to accept what I do have and let go of what I don’t. Once more I believe it is my relationship with Jesus that helps me the most. I then see my other relationships as gifts. This hopefulness is awesome. I also knew that there would be a day when I did not live in depression. I did not know when it was going to leave me but I knew I was going to get to the other side of depression. I am at the other side finally. In the pastI have been able to work through my struggles with a year or so of counseling. This time I did the counseling but I needed an additional assist and that is the medication I am taking. I’ve been on the medication for a year now and I am seeing days where I can let go of a relationship if I have to. I may not like it but I can let go and move on. The other truly amazing thought is that I am finally able to let go of pain from an abusive relationship. I wish I would have thought to try medication a long time ago. I had always thought the counselor or your doctor would see your need. I did not realize I had to let the doctor know of my emotional pain. I finally got tired of not bouncing out of depression and asked for some help. My doctor suggested Prozac and I’ve grown since starting it. I also am moving forward now that we aren’t in a state of chaos all the time. Our chaos has been renovating and I am not good in chaos. I always seek order and when order is not to be found I find myself in a flux. One of my passions is reading anything and everything about organization. I thought that due to my childhood of chaos I always tried to put things in order. These days I also think being ADHD has been a part of the fascination with organization. It was as way for me to cope with life’s business and be able to be involved in a lot of activities. It allowed me to run my kids to their activities, go to school, volunteer and go to work. By being so busy all the time I did not realize I was ADHD until my body would not move at the rate it once did. Since retirement I have learned to sit more. I can’t go and do like I once did. That is the point I realized that my brain was going a mile a minute and my body was not cooperating. I also believe that God has slowed me down. In slowing down I find I study the Bible more, write more and share what I learn. If I was running to every interesting thing I wanted to do I would not write. This is my “be still and know that I am God” moment. I want to give my time and energy to others and I love helping others. I have loved going on mission trips, helping at the re-sale store for the abused, being a youth advisor to teens and the like. I have also wanted “others” to see me doing good works for the attention it could give me. I believe I needed to seek less approval of others and only find God’s approval to be what I need. So God has allowed me to slow way down and to do quiet time alone and unseen. I have offered to help out at church only to not get called back. I must say I had hurt feelings along the way. I then realize that God has called me to do what I am doing and I need to find myself content in this and not offering help to be seen. This is a hard lesson. I asked God 9 years ago to teach me to be still. I had cancer and my body has been slowing down a whole bunch. Then there is that moment when I realize as I am at my morning quiet time and writing that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that feels awesome! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 6, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I love my morning quiet time more and more these days. I am almost to the point I was with my morning time when I worked and before I had cancer. After cancer my morning time got harder and harder to do. I was so tired and worn out that by the time I retired I slept on my days off just to get the energy to go to work the next day. These days instead of reading an actual book I read the Bible on line. I have devotions sent to my inbox and I find myself journaling my thoughts on what I read. I love it. Overall I am a deep thinker even though the last few years have been a struggle. I love taking my mind deep and pondering. This morning I was reading in my devotion about Cain and Able. Able brought a sacrifice to God and God accepted it. Cain brought a sacrifice and God told him that “sin is crouching at your door.” This has always baffled me. He brought a gift? His brother brought a gift. Through the years I have learned that our faith journey with God needs to start from the heart. I have learned that we often “clean the inside of a cup but not the outside.” I keep learning that God wants our full heart and not a part of our heart. God knows all we do, even the stuff we think in private or do in private. There is not a corner of our lives that God is not aware of. We may keep certain thoughts from family and friends but God knows what we are thinking. I am a somewhat competive person. I want to be the best at…..whatever. I want to be the teacher’s pet, the favored child and the whole nine yards. By being good and the best then I will be able to make everyone in the world happy. Guess what? It aint gonna happen. Someone somewhere won’t like something about you. That is the reality. Even in my older years I still struggle with this being perfect and everyone loving me situation. I am finally getting to be comfortable in my own skin. I am accepting myself for whom and what I am and you know what? That is ok. I have found that I need to be completely honest with myself, with others and more so with God. When I am completely open and up front about my thoughts, my actions etc. then I find I can enter into a relationship with God. I can’t pretend to be loving and hold bitterness in my heart. I can tell God that I am hurting and I need help to move past the bitterness. God is faithful and helps me do just that. I have a friend who is now a missionary. She is an energetic type of person even in her older years and I find I want to be like her. I want to have an important assignment like she has. Sometimes I can see myself as the next Joyce Meyers or a female Billy Graham. Like I said sometimes I get a bit competitive. A few years ago I asked God to “help me be still and know that He is God.” I had cancer and my mind and body slowed way down. I find days where I want to go and volunteer at several different places and then I am out of energy and sitting at home. I am starting to believe that God does not want me to be involved in every fun sounding to me type of mission work. God wants me to dig deep into my brain to think about lessons and then to share these lessons. For me the sharing is the blog. I am also finding that more God slows me down, the more I love it. My body is not able to get out and do what it once did. I would have never thought that I’d be the type of person who could stay home for days on end. I don’t even get out of my pajamas. I spend the first several hours I am up each day reading, journaling and writing. I love it. I do a little housework a little cooking and a lot of quiet time. Once or twice a week I go out with Junior and we do errands like grocery shop, run to Lowe’s and the like. During the warmer months I walk outside and soak up the beauty that is around me. My life is full and rich and I love it. Gone are the days of running children to baseball games, choir practice, volunteering with the youth group and working. These days I find I can’t go like I once did. At first it was hard to not run around and get all involved in things. The more my body slows me down the more I believe God has allowed this in me. As I slow down and spend quiet time I sense this is where God wants me to be. I think at some point a person or a volunteer job will come along and I will help with that. I have B in my life and I love on her, she loves on me. We enjoy each other. She has major back struggles so my slower pace in life fits in nicely with her. Sometimes we find ourselves napping on each other and there is a comfort even in that. I want others to “see” me being and doing. I love being around others. Again I learn that for God, I need to be quiet and give in the quiet of my heart. My quiet is writing. My doing is sharing what I learn whether it is a lesson in the Bible or applying the lesson to life. Someone somewhere will “hear” that Jesus loves them from what I am sharing. Not everyone has a “cool” fancy job for the Lord. Well frankly mine is a cool fancy job but it is the one the Lord wants me to do and I am not supposed to be what I am not. When I can wrap my brain around that fact, life is sweet. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 1, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Life continues to settle nicely. Junior has my office corner near my comfy chair set up and I am appreciating his handiwork. Today he hung the phone on the wall near my chair. I have never been spoiled like this man spoils me and I appreciate it. Junior continues to work on two or three projects at a time and I continue to be clueless as how to work behind him. These days though with more order in the house I concentrate on keeping order in our home and yup that feels real nice. Overall the house is looking more like a home these days. We take time to go off on trips around town and now Junior is back in school learning how to do computers again. He likes making his brain work and I admire this in him. Me, I’m not ready to tackle a classroom as of yet any way. I am able to do chores at night while I am up late and that is nice. I still watch the news and between the news and my evening programs the house gets spruced up a bit and I like having more order to my life again. With more order to my life I find myself not depressed, confused etc. To be honest I am grateful when I can function in order. I have learned this about me and I am accepting this quirk in my nature these days without beating myself up. I think Junior also understands my need for order these days. Discovering my ADHD ways has helped me accept the person I am. I am also accepting that my body is slowing down and can’t do what it once did so at this point I am able to go when I can and I sit when I can’t. My cat Alex has found my lap again. He has not liked having dogs come live with us and he stays well out of their way. I drug him to my new chair and he left right away. Today he came on his own and has been in my lap for a long time now. It feels good to have him near me on the computer. That was always his favorite spot. He likes sitting on my arm while I type. He is there once again. He has been at my side now for 17 years. The longer I am in this faith journey the more I wonder how I ever survived life so long without Jesus as my comforter, my guide. I still have hard days but I don’t feel alone as I struggle and that sustains me so much. I also believe my daily prayer of “Lord teach me to be the wife Junior needs” has helped our marriage along with the notes I wrote for years telling Junior he is my Mr. Wonderful. I can’t look at Junior and be disgusted. I can see the treasure he is and to be honest it feels real nice. I love looking up to my man. I love letting him lead me. I feel safe with Junior like I never felt safe before in my life. I no longer want to control all things in my life including those I am in relationship with. I feel that safe. It has been a long time since I panicked at the way Junior racks up debt. I have had lots of conversations with God about our debt and God has shown me time and time again that Junior may get into debt but he will get out of debt. I have learned that Junior won’t make it so we live on the streets. I may not be able to buy what I want when I want but overall I will not be lacking for the important things in life. This has been hard for me to learn to deal with. Again I believe that taking my marriage to God on a daily basis helps me/us. I have patience with Junior when in the past I would have blown up and frankly the blow ups often put a wedge in my relationships. These days I take my struggles to God first and God will point me in the right direction, He has always been faithful in pointing me when I needed help understanding my man. My thought life at one point in my life was awful. I thought dirty thoughts a whole lot. I relived painful moments over and over. I was tore up emotionally. These days when life hurts I take my struggles to God and I find that God opens my eyes to ways out of my pain. That means I feel peace like I have never felt peace before. I accept things easier as well. I again realize that I need the medication in order for me to function emotionally. I have felt more able to function since going on the medication. I think a lifetime of abuse has left emotional scars on me that I can’t work past on my own anymore. For a good 30 years I was able to get some counseling and go on my way. As I retired and moved two times in two years I found I could no longer get better with counseling alone. I am accepting that I need medication. I have decided if I had cancer or such I would take medication and at this point I need medication to keep my emotions in check AND “that is ok.” I love moving at a slower pace these days. I love keeping our house in order these days. I love that Junior does not require a spotless house so if I can’t for a few days….he’s good with that. That is real nice. Junior does not need a fresh meal each and every day. That is nice I will make up a pot of something and we eat on it for a few days then I cook again. Our life is very peaceful and after a lifetime of drama, I am so thankful for a peaceful life. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet