May 1, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Life continues to settle nicely. Junior has my office corner near my comfy chair set up and I am appreciating his handiwork. Today he hung the phone on the wall near my chair. I have never been spoiled like this man spoils me and I appreciate it. Junior continues to work on two or three projects at a time and I continue to be clueless as how to work behind him. These days though with more order in the house I concentrate on keeping order in our home and yup that feels real nice. Overall the house is looking more like a home these days. We take time to go off on trips around town and now Junior is back in school learning how to do computers again. He likes making his brain work and I admire this in him. Me, I’m not ready to tackle a classroom as of yet any way. I am able to do chores at night while I am up late and that is nice. I still watch the news and between the news and my evening programs the house gets spruced up a bit and I like having more order to my life again. With more order to my life I find myself not depressed, confused etc. To be honest I am grateful when I can function in order. I have learned this about me and I am accepting this quirk in my nature these days without beating myself up. I think Junior also understands my need for order these days. Discovering my ADHD ways has helped me accept the person I am. I am also accepting that my body is slowing down and can’t do what it once did so at this point I am able to go when I can and I sit when I can’t. My cat Alex has found my lap again. He has not liked having dogs come live with us and he stays well out of their way. I drug him to my new chair and he left right away. Today he came on his own and has been in my lap for a long time now. It feels good to have him near me on the computer. That was always his favorite spot. He likes sitting on my arm while I type. He is there once again. He has been at my side now for 17 years. The longer I am in this faith journey the more I wonder how I ever survived life so long without Jesus as my comforter, my guide. I still have hard days but I don’t feel alone as I struggle and that sustains me so much. I also believe my daily prayer of “Lord teach me to be the wife Junior needs” has helped our marriage along with the notes I wrote for years telling Junior he is my Mr. Wonderful. I can’t look at Junior and be disgusted. I can see the treasure he is and to be honest it feels real nice. I love looking up to my man. I love letting him lead me. I feel safe with Junior like I never felt safe before in my life. I no longer want to control all things in my life including those I am in relationship with. I feel that safe. It has been a long time since I panicked at the way Junior racks up debt. I have had lots of conversations with God about our debt and God has shown me time and time again that Junior may get into debt but he will get out of debt. I have learned that Junior won’t make it so we live on the streets. I may not be able to buy what I want when I want but overall I will not be lacking for the important things in life. This has been hard for me to learn to deal with. Again I believe that taking my marriage to God on a daily basis helps me/us. I have patience with Junior when in the past I would have blown up and frankly the blow ups often put a wedge in my relationships. These days I take my struggles to God first and God will point me in the right direction, He has always been faithful in pointing me when I needed help understanding my man. My thought life at one point in my life was awful. I thought dirty thoughts a whole lot. I relived painful moments over and over. I was tore up emotionally. These days when life hurts I take my struggles to God and I find that God opens my eyes to ways out of my pain. That means I feel peace like I have never felt peace before. I accept things easier as well. I again realize that I need the medication in order for me to function emotionally. I have felt more able to function since going on the medication. I think a lifetime of abuse has left emotional scars on me that I can’t work past on my own anymore. For a good 30 years I was able to get some counseling and go on my way. As I retired and moved two times in two years I found I could no longer get better with counseling alone. I am accepting that I need medication. I have decided if I had cancer or such I would take medication and at this point I need medication to keep my emotions in check AND “that is ok.” I love moving at a slower pace these days. I love keeping our house in order these days. I love that Junior does not require a spotless house so if I can’t for a few days….he’s good with that. That is real nice. Junior does not need a fresh meal each and every day. That is nice I will make up a pot of something and we eat on it for a few days then I cook again. Our life is very peaceful and after a lifetime of drama, I am so thankful for a peaceful life. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet