May 8, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today I tend to keep finding a simple truth out. The simple truth is “little things in life are what truly touch the heart.” This started when I sat in my chair and my cat came and sat in my lap while I was in my office chair. I was reading, FBing and hanging out on the computer. Alex came and sat in my lap. Since we have gotten dogs Alex has stayed as far from them as he can. He now finds me and comes to me once again and frankly it is sweet. Junior was working around the house. I love being near this man. He was hammering something, I could hear him clang a dish as he washed dishes and I also heard him when he loved on one of the pets. Junior makes his noises and for me it is music to my ears. Sometimes I feel content when I have a phone chat with someone. It also happens when I drink a chocolate chip Frappuccino. At times I marvel that it truly is the little things in life that move me. Gone are the days where I thought a pretty house, a fancy career or car would make me feel loved down deep in my heart. It always tends to be those little tiny things that move me. Knowing that I matter to Junior is my latest moment of awe. Junior has always said that due to his upbringing he has had to let go of relationships and so he can shut a door and deal with life if need be. With this type of thinking I was never sure I mattered much to him. I knew he liked me, even loved me but I was not sure he would miss me. For some reason I needed to know that I mattered a whole lot to someone and with family I have not felt that wanted. Junior does want me that much as I have learned with my accident and my appendix surgery within 6 months of each other. He has been beside me like no one else in my life has stuck close to me. I have had moments of fear, of pain and he has been patient with me. As I have struggled with depression he has hung in there and consistently shown me that I am his woman. In this I find I matter and frankly it feels good. I am now moving out of depression and moving on with my life. I have learned to accept what I do have and let go of what I don’t. Once more I believe it is my relationship with Jesus that helps me the most. I then see my other relationships as gifts. This hopefulness is awesome. I also knew that there would be a day when I did not live in depression. I did not know when it was going to leave me but I knew I was going to get to the other side of depression. I am at the other side finally. In the pastI have been able to work through my struggles with a year or so of counseling. This time I did the counseling but I needed an additional assist and that is the medication I am taking. I’ve been on the medication for a year now and I am seeing days where I can let go of a relationship if I have to. I may not like it but I can let go and move on. The other truly amazing thought is that I am finally able to let go of pain from an abusive relationship. I wish I would have thought to try medication a long time ago. I had always thought the counselor or your doctor would see your need. I did not realize I had to let the doctor know of my emotional pain. I finally got tired of not bouncing out of depression and asked for some help. My doctor suggested Prozac and I’ve grown since starting it. I also am moving forward now that we aren’t in a state of chaos all the time. Our chaos has been renovating and I am not good in chaos. I always seek order and when order is not to be found I find myself in a flux. One of my passions is reading anything and everything about organization. I thought that due to my childhood of chaos I always tried to put things in order. These days I also think being ADHD has been a part of the fascination with organization. It was as way for me to cope with life’s business and be able to be involved in a lot of activities. It allowed me to run my kids to their activities, go to school, volunteer and go to work. By being so busy all the time I did not realize I was ADHD until my body would not move at the rate it once did. Since retirement I have learned to sit more. I can’t go and do like I once did. That is the point I realized that my brain was going a mile a minute and my body was not cooperating. I also believe that God has slowed me down. In slowing down I find I study the Bible more, write more and share what I learn. If I was running to every interesting thing I wanted to do I would not write. This is my “be still and know that I am God” moment. I want to give my time and energy to others and I love helping others. I have loved going on mission trips, helping at the re-sale store for the abused, being a youth advisor to teens and the like. I have also wanted “others” to see me doing good works for the attention it could give me. I believe I needed to seek less approval of others and only find God’s approval to be what I need. So God has allowed me to slow way down and to do quiet time alone and unseen. I have offered to help out at church only to not get called back. I must say I had hurt feelings along the way. I then realize that God has called me to do what I am doing and I need to find myself content in this and not offering help to be seen. This is a hard lesson. I asked God 9 years ago to teach me to be still. I had cancer and my body has been slowing down a whole bunch. Then there is that moment when I realize as I am at my morning quiet time and writing that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that feels awesome! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet