May 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Last night I was at the Women’s Bible study I attend. We are reading “A Woman after God’s Heart”. We learned our role in keeping a home for our family and it is something I believe but struggle to produce. When my kids were small I always enjoyed having furniture that dated back in time. To me it was a way to enter into the house and find a peaceful past that allowed you for a bit anyways to take the care of the world and leave it at the door. Of course our home was full of tension and fighting so it may have appeared to be a step back in time but we lived in chaos. I tried to cook homemade meals, cookies and I really liked making sweet breads. I love the smell of foods blending into the aroma of a home. During the Christmas season I found myself trying to bake up a storm. I did it for the smells and I found that giving baked goods away was a nice present to give to others. I gave of myself and that always makes me feel good. I remember as a very young child that my Grandma R’s house was always clean. I loved walking into her bedroom and seeing her bed made, the floors freshly swept. I had the same feeling when I went to my mother-in-laws home. She always walked into the room as she was cleaning or baking. It felt nice. I tried to be that for my family. I tried to have some sort of food cooking. I like making soup because you tend to put it on the stove and let it blend together for a few hours. To me there is wholesomeness in the smell of food filling the air in the home. With my strange sleep patterns of late I have gotten away from cooking again. Today I made a grilled cheese for lunch. I love it cooked in olive oil as opposed to butter. It is so tasty to me. It feels real wholesome especially if I used cheddar instead of processed cheese. I am happy even if I don’t manage to keep cooking daily. Well I never really make meals daily. Junior and I tend to eat the same meal for a day or two before I make something else. It works and I don’t feel so overwhelmed with making a meal or two each and every day. Now that I have my bowels under control again I find myself eating more fruits and vegetables and less junk food. That makes me happy. As the days are warmer I am once more outside walking and enjoying this form of exercise. I also find that I am making time to move about the house and get a few things accomplished. That makes me feel real good and productive. I like to feel productive. I am writing my blog three days a week now and I feel like I have a job outside the home so to speak. I enjoy sharing my faith journey. Some days I’m real good at this journey and some days I get by. Since my retirement I have found my health falling apart. In the midst of depression, health issues and the like though my walk with God has sustained me and in the past I would have wanted to give up. These days though I know that I know that there will be the other side where I will feel like being a part of the human race. That thought alone helps me move through health issues and depression. I continue to learn how to take my entire life to God. I talk to God daily about what is troubling me and God keeps telling me I am worth it. When I feel I am worth it I feel like joining the land of the living. I feel like I want to reach outside of myself and reach another person just for God. So my kids aren’t thrilled with their mother? My siblings think I’m a bit daffy? God keeps telling me that I am precious and useful and He loves me. Since starting my walk with the Lord I find that I don’t feel alone anymore. Even Junior who is about as reliable as they get will sometimes check out on me. God does not and in that I feel safe and wanted and alive. As I struggled with the “unwanted” feelings I found myself listing the people who care in my thoughts. It wasn’t the list I wanted but then I began to see if the ones I wanted to care don’t that these other people find me enjoyable, loveable and even smart. The more I’d list them the less need I had to have for the ones I pictured to be my supporters and accepted the ones that were there all the time. I also began to see that God kept putting me in relationships. First there was Junior. I marveled that I could truly enjoy a man, be his friend and Junior isn’t mean and scary to me. All the men prior to Junior that were in my life were mean and scary. Not Junior. He can be real tuff and he can be real gentle and I am so happy to know that about men. If I need defending, Junior is front and center. He lets me handle the struggles as I desire to and then he will step in. That is such a wonderful feeling. M from work has become a close friend. We share the sting of abuse and we understand each other on a level a lot of people don’t understand. M has been around since we were children and she can often guide me through moments of self-study So life hasn’t turned out the way I have pictured it to be. I’m not the Grandma I thought I’d be. I’ve spent so much time trying to avoid my ex that I’ve missed a lot of my grandchildren’s growing up years. It is what it is. I am sad but in the Lord….life is sweet. I don’t live in fear like I have for years. I know a man’s warmth and love. I know the feeling of being accepted and wanted. Yup, I’d rather do life in the Lord than without the Lord! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet