May 18, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I’ve been to the neurologist and I have found out that I have a birth defect. It is strange to hear the words birth defect at my age. Until now I did not know I had a problem so it is confusing. I was dumbfounded when I heard and now questions arise. I will need to wait to talk to my doctor because as I try to research on line I’m not getting a response to my particular problem. My UN balanced ways at present seem to be because my brain stem hangs too low in my vertebrae. I was dumb founded when I heard the news. The doctor suggested a visit to a surgeon and I’m a little concerned about surgery on my brain stem and my vertebrae. I don’t see my family doctor for a couple of weeks. So I wait to absorb more information on my condition. I am grateful that I asked a friend to give me a thought about what was happening to me. It kept me from over focusing that I have a problem and making it something it was not. I was so surprised to find out I had a birth defect that I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the problem and now a few days later the questions seem to cloud around in my head. It has been hard for me to not over panic about what is going on inside of my body. That has been the way I have dealt with struggles in the past. I have learned through the years that the major things my brain can come up with are generally way off base to what I have so learning how to wait and hear what is wrong is new for me. I have taken my concern to God and I find a peace in waiting. My friend who knows a lot about health issues has given me enough information to keep my fear at bay. Then when I want to worry I go to prayer and I find peace settle within me. I went on line to try and see what I could determine and did not get much information. I did see that some of my night time up and down moments may be the result of my brain stem in my vertebrae but that is about all I could find. It is a birth defect and from what I can determine it is very uncommon. So I wait to talk to my doctor. For me old age has meant that I have health issues. I don’t have life threatening health issues but I am not able to be the woman I once was. I am learning how to move about more slowly and differently. I still want to tackle a project in a few hours and then move into life. Nope now I need to do the several hours thing in several days. I still struggle not being able to move about like I once did. I sit for hours and to be honest my brain is still trying to go a mile a minute and my body is not. It is a struggle. I appear to be lazy and the sad fact is I am not being lazy, I can’t move if I wanted to. Each day starts with a talk with myself about the list of chores I’d like to do. Some days I can and some days I can’t and it is what it is. That is my saving grace these days “it is what it is.” If I allow myself to believe that line then I am not beating myself up and being angry that I am not the person I once was. I find myself going to God more and more. He has comforted me through the divorce, the kids’ frustration with me. God has helped me deal with family thinking I’m not a very smart woman and the like. God has given me friends who enjoy me. God has given me Junior and as I discover how much I mean to him I find peace within my being. It isn’t what I wanted to be in life but in Jesus I find I can still wake up and enjoy what I do have. As we continue to settle here in Virginia I am amazed at how much we love where we are at. I love our home and thank God almost daily for this house, this place where we have moved. The weather is good for both Junior and I. It generally does not get as cold in the winter like Michigan does and it does not get Florida hot in the summer. For us we both are in a zone where the weather is good for each of us. Junior prefers winter and I prefer warmer weather and not the heat of the Deep South. It amazes me. I am able to move about as I am able. I love that too. I don’t know how I’d be able to work if I had to and I find myself so grateful that I was able to retire when my body was giving out on me. These days I can work at the pace my body wants me to and again I am thankful. I also am thankful that Junior is patient with my slower ways. The older I get the more I find I don’t want to live without God as my compass. I need God’s direction in most every detail of my life anymore. I’d like to give God even more of “me” but I am working through this issue. God asks for more of me and I find myself wanting to hold back. I don’t know why, I know that life in Jesus is way better than not. So where does this stubborn refusal come from? I keep going to prayer and I find myself letting go little by little. I don’t think I could have done this on my own. I find it strange that I still have these moments since I’ve been walking with the Lord in earnest now for a good 15-16 years. Again prayer helps me to keep moving closer to where God wants me to be so I find a peace grow within me. Where is your faith journey? Are you listening to Jesus? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet