May 25, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I enter back into the land of the living. I have had an MRI and found that I have a birth defect which seems strange to find at my age. I finally have an understanding of what is going on with my body and that helps a lot. The brain stem is growing into the vertebrae. This creates the neck pain and some of the headaches I’ve been dealing with alongside of my balance problems and my hand shaking and my neat handwritings days are now over. Knowledge helps me to deal with the issues I’ve been struggling with and I find I am not as irritated with myself these days. My needing a cane has not been the struggle I have had with my handwriting. I could not figure out why my hands were shaking when I’d try to write….a simple task really but one I’m struggling with. Many mornings find me waking up with a headache and a neck ache. Two cups of coffee later it generally goes away. Last week I went to church only to ask Junior to bring me back home. I could not move past the pain. I came home took two Advil and slept most of the afternoon. When I got up I felt like I would live. My goal is to take medication only when caffeine doesn’t work. Most days I wake up with pain and a headache. By the time the 2nd cup of coffee is drunk I generally find I can function and move on with the day. I’m grateful that the coffee helps me function. Again I realize that working is not something I can do anymore. I thought having a part time job would be icing on the cake in retirement. I could have something to go to two or three days a week and not feel the rigid routine of a full time job. Nope, the girl can’t even do that these days. I do feel my blog is my part time job and at times I feel that God wants me to do that. If I were my younger self, I’d want to be going all the time and writing would be something I’d want to do but would find it hard to sit and do. Junior has set me up an office area and I love it. I mainly sit in the entry way during the day in a recliner which is comfy. I have an end table that is beside the chair. Junior took an old step ladder, painted it and put a shelf on the steps so I have room to store several types of office utensils. I have a calendar next to me and a bulletin board so I can tack up things as I need to. The land line phone is right next to my chair which is nice as well. Junior has thought through so many details that he once more amazes me. I start my mornings in this chair on the computer moving through my day. It is a routine I enjoy a ton. I sit here, drink my coffee, eat breakfast and move through the first part of my day. More and more when I have ended this time I begin to do some housework, go for a walk or walk on the ellipse. Yup retirement is settling nicely finally. As I write I also realize again that the depression that has been hanging on for a few years now is finally going away. I am a person who needs order and routines to function and as our lives settle back to routines and order I find myself able to contend with life so much better. Our home looks more like a home these days. We still don’t have a kitchen per se but that is slowly changing as well. Junior has begun working in the kitchen and one day it will be complete. I also find that I love it when Junior is on his computer and I am on mine. He is now taking a computer class so he is not playing solitaire as much. He likes keeping his brain active and for him taking a class allows him to do that. For me, I’m not a student per se. I don’t want to “make” the grade. I like classes that don’t require a grade because I want to be the “best” and frankly we are not all the best. I do like learning new things like crocheting, cross stitch and the like and I am in search of a class that will teach me how to do these projects. I only know one stitch with crocheting and I’d like to learn a few more things. I have found a couple of quilt projects with cross stitch and my brain can’t seem to wrap itself around the quilting piece so I’d like to have some help with that. Once more I sense God is moving me out of my depression. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew this depression would leave. I knew that God did not want to keep me in the state I was in. That has been a comfort to me. Gone are the days where I had absolutely no hope. I am a loved child of God. That sustains me so much anymore. The world may not like me but God does. In God I find I have a purpose, a reason to keep on keeping on. As I continue to pray through the cross most nights I find myself ever so thankful for the gift of Jesus’ death for us. Gone are the days where I don’t want to look at the horror of the cross. I still don’t like that Jesus went through all that but these days I find myself grateful for this precious gift. Because God cared and wanted to be in relationship with us, He provided a way for us to be in relationship with Him. To me it is amazing and filled with so much love. In the midst of despair I continue to have a real hope and I know that I will one day see the other side of my struggles. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet