May 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today as I journal I find myself reflecting deeply and I find that my life hasn’t gone the way I had envisioned it. I saw me raising two children and the children being proud of me as their mother. I saw myself being a grandma and having the family around me. Life has not worked out the way I had pictured it in my mind. Part of my depression these past few years is that picture I had and my reality did not line up with each other. With God though I have found life to be worth living even if it isn’t turning out like I thought it would. When I keep seeking God I find myself doing things I never thought I could. I find myself being content with “who” I am and to whom I am married. Junior has been the outcast his whole life. He moved so much that he was always the new kid at school and he always had to prove himself. He still finds that at times he has a need to prove himself. He has gotten used to being the unpopular person and he is comfortable with this role. I see a man who has a very tender heart. I see a man who is attempting to live his faith daily and in doing so he tries to be the husband God is teaching him to be. Junior watched the grandkids for a bit while Mom went to school and Dad worked. Junior was wild with those kids. He played way too hard. I wish he would not have but I can’t change what he did. The family now has little use for this man. It makes me sad but I can’t make them love him or see the gem he really is. I am content with Junior though. God keeps opening my eyes to this wonderful man. He has flaws. We all do. Overall I wouldn’t change Junior though. We’ve been married 15 years now and frankly life with Junior has been more than pleasant. After living in fear for most of my life, I am content to live alongside of Junior. He has never offered to hit me. He has set the guidelines and I know what will set him off so I stay away from those moments. He can’t take slamming of doors, crashing of dishes. I know not to go “there.” I like I have the parameters to live within. When Junior raises his voice, I know I have gone over the line and I tend to pull back. I know to leave him alone and in short order we will be friends. I like that we make up fast after an argument. I like that he loves me even when we have fought. It has taken me a long time to realize Junior meant it when he asked me if I would take marriage seriously. He has meant that divorce is not an option and at this point I believe him. I have driven the car in the ditch on our property not once but two times. Both times Junior never raised his voice with me. The second time he let me know that he was not happy. He never raised his hand at me. When the car was out of the ditch, we were friends right away. Prior to Junior I would have heard swearing; screaming and I would see fists flying. It is what I knew so a man who could be angry and not give in to violence is strange to me. Junior has my awe, my respect. He may have his hard to deal with ways but I find that I can deal with those. I find that I am willing to deal with his flaws because he is willing to deal with my flaws. I am not a person who will respond with a harsh voice, or a fist. I tend to get obstinate so Junior has learned if he wants me to change, to stop that he needs to do it gently. I respond real well with gentleness. It is who I am and how I respond best. So I find with some people we are not “popular” and you know what? That is ok. Prior to Junior I would have done anything to get people to like me. Junior teaches me that no matter how hard I try someone will find me offensive. I live with me as I am and frankly the more I learn to accept myself the way I am, the happier I am. I can’t change to make everyone happy. I’d like to but I can’t. Out here in Virginia people tend to “get” Junior. I see an acceptance I did not see in Michigan. It is wonderful. People tend to know Junior is a bit too frank and they like him anyway. It helps me. Junior feels secure in the Lord and does not care what others think of him. As we are together more and more I am able to process this “who I am in the Lord” thing and God always holds me tight. So being the most popular person becomes less and less important to me. I also marvel at where I once was and where I am today. On my own I could not have made the changes that I have made. With Jesus as my Savior, my guide I am able to grow even in my older years and frankly that feels wonderful. I am able to live life, accept where I am in life and move forward all because Jesus loves me. In love I am able to be I think a better person. I am able to face life even if family does not want me. Do I hurt? Sure I do but somehow the more I give it to God, the less it matters and life is sweet. Do you try to please man or God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet