October 31 2013 Greetings My Friend, I have been to Colorado all week and I have learned a ton of stuff. I have met my cousin for the very first time and it has been an awesome week. I have heard some stories about Dad about his brother and about my grandparents. Many for the first time. I met Aunt L and she is a charming wonderful lady. Junior took pictures of Dad, Uncle F and even of Grandma and Grandpa from pictures Aunt L had on her wall. D and I are working at posting a picture of each of us in high school. We were shocked to see how much alike we looked back in the 70's. I am so happy that I had the courage three years ago and made a phone call to my aunt and uncle's name and found D and her brother and even talked to Aunt L a time or two before her health went south. D and my relationship keeps growing deeper and we find that the family line is ever present in our personalities. As my family seemed to pull away I had made this phone call in the hopes of finding family that would claim me. D and I both love to write and we love the Lord and we want to share our faith the best we can. This past week D has taught me how to have my blog, a twitter page and how to advertise my book. The first day I had a sale for my book, the first in a long time. As my family seems to draw near again I also have another part of the family to add to the dynamics. This girl is about as pleased as punch. As my divorce happened I found myself turning to God in a way I had never knew Him. I found myself turning to God and for the first time after God taught me to pray through the cross I began to understand the need of the cross. I continue to pray through the cross nightly and into the morning as I wake up and go back to sleep. As we talked I find that D began her serious walk right around the time I started mine. She did not grow up in church so she did not raise her kids in church and lived without knowing God's love. She met Jesus and her life has turned around and we both feel that we can't ever live without God ever again. We know the pain of living life all on our own and don't want to go back there. I shared Grandma's one story I got out of her when she visited after Grandpa died. Dad could not reconcile with her so that is the last time I ever saw Grandma R. I shared Grandma's story and no one had heard this story. I found out that Grandpa got kicked in the head by a horse and my wonderment is if Grandpa's terrible meaness might have been a closed head injury. We will never know. We have not gone sight seeing this past week. Our focus has been bringing me up to speed on Hootsuite and tieing my blog, a new FB page and my old FB page together. I will be able to put posts out ahead of time and then they will automaticaly post from now on. I am excited that I should be able to have a seamless posting from now on. Our time together is coming to a close. In the morning we will begin our long journey back home. We will fly out of a small airport a couple hours from her house to a bigger one. From the bigger one we will have a lay over for several hours in NC and from there we will head for the airport a few hours from our house. I will work on my smart phone trying to put Hootsuite on that. D and I have posted Twitter posts and my FB page regarding my blog and book till early next week and then I will have time to get home and to begin working more earnestly on writing. The viatmin B 12 has continued to give me more energy. I still have moments but I have more energy moments these days. I learned a way to make scalloped potatoes and ham in the crock pot, got a muffin recipe. I shared a couple of recipes with D and that too was fun. This should be the last trip till this winter when we hope to head to SC to visit some good friends. I will be able to implement more routines into my day to day life. I am very excited to see where these next months will take me. I find myself in awe of God. I again see how God works wonder in my life and I want to share this wonder with anyone I am able to. My walk with Jesus continues to grow and I continue to see changes within me. I like the "new" me and I also know that I will continue to grow and change and that feels awesome. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you Love Janet PS please check out twitter and my new FB page. Twitter - letterfromjanet Facebook - http://ow.ly/qkkfr

October 23 2013

October 23 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am moving through my morning rather nicely. Junior is off to Kingsport to see about his prosthetic. He has a new foot for his leg and they are putting in on today. I have blown a fuse and am not sure how to reset it so I move to another area in the house. I love that I have different areas to write and study in. I am not able to get my body out of bed for his early morning runs. As much as I try I flat out can’t get up so it is what it is. Today I’ve made a list and wrote it on the blackboard with the hopes that I can erase my list as I finish things. It was one am before sleep came to me again last night. I did my TV watching and when sleep began to seep into my being I went to bed and slept all night. At least I sleep all night these days. Gone are the sleep an hour or three then wake up for an hour or three then go back to sleep nights. Thank you Lord! I read my Bible this morning and pondered that I don’t always walk away with a deep sense of learning. I do feel safe and comfortable though as I read. I love the familiar feelings I have as I read the scripture again and that feels nice. I notice that I may not get a huge revelation but I find peace as I read the now familiar passages. Deep inside me I know that when I need to learn a deeper learning that God will place it on my heart and I feel safe in that. I have also gone to prayer again and this is now my norm most mornings. Again if I get up and have somewhere to go I may forgo prayers for that day. I do my night time/morning prayers fairly much on a nightly/daily basis. If Daisy is insistent to be taken out then I finish these prayers in my comfy chair. So I have a backup plan that works as well. My day tends to focus more and more on God. Will He like what I am thinking? If not then I ask God to help me to leave those thoughts alone. God does and it is awesome. I try to find ways to be a blessing to Junior and many times it is asking God or being open to God’s direction that I respond to Junior. Sometimes old hurts try to crowd in on my thinking and again I ask God to help me move past those thoughts unless there is a lesson I am to learn. God will take the thoughts or help direct my thoughts so that I learn a lesson. As the dogs and I go for a daily walk I marvel at God’s creation. It is amazing yet again. I also marvel at God directing us to move to this place and the beauty that is my every day. I always find a peace seeping deep into my being as I walk along and my love for God grows. I also realize yet again that my life tends to be the same day in and day out. It is rhythmical and I enjoy the gentle slow pace. It is not scary like it would have been at one time in my life. I feel Junior’s love again and marvel at God’s creation of a man and woman in marriage. Daisy pulls at my attention and I take her outside. I even find comfort in that. Daisy has to go out at night as well and I am learning to not fear the dark. I have a tendency to whole up in the house once darkness comes. I can’t see at night so trips to town are only with Junior. As I walk Daisy around the yard I find gentleness to the night time. I don’t go real far out of the light range due to the fact I am totally blind in darkness. Junior has put up a few lights that shine out into the yard a bit. I appreciate that a ton. Evenings find me watching TV most nights. Until we moved to VA I did not watch TV but now TV is part of my routines as well. I enjoy the programs and find them to give life definition in their own way. Some nights I light the candles I have set up in the fireplace on top of the stove and mantel. They bring warmth and a soothing comfort as well. I am so thankful for TV also on the nights it tends to take me a long time to fall asleep. I am big on DIY programs since we are finishing our home right now. I like getting ideas and implementing them well Junior does that but I tell Junior and he often will make it happen. Junior will also ask me from time to time if I want a certain set up or style. I like that he includes me in the decision making process. As he continues to renovate I find that a lot of thought has gone into making things work for me as well as for him. I have been thinking about our bathroom that we have now. Down the road we will add a 2nd bathroom. Our bathroom now is real small. I mentioned to Junior that he might want to put a shorter shower in and then he went on with the thought. If he shortened the shower he could move the sink and then we’d have more room. It made me happy that he entered into the puzzling through of things. This project would not happen for a few years but I was able to puzzle through this and enjoyed the process. As I am able to puzzle through things I find myself returning to the “old me” and I like that a whole bunch. I am not as quick as I once was but I do love to enter into much the same process that I have in the past. This is something I have loved and enjoy once more. Life tends to be sweet these days. Gone is the depression that tried to overtake me. I have to take medication but I am happy it took me 40 years to need medication. Having the feeling of love, being wanted and wanting to enter into another’s life is sweet. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

October 23 2013

October 23 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am moving through my morning rather nicely. Junior is off to Kingsport to see about his prosthetic. He has a new foot for his leg and they are putting in on today. I have blown a fuse and am not sure how to reset it so I move to another area in the house. I love that I have different areas to write and study in. I am not able to get my body out of bed for his early morning runs. As much as I try I flat out can’t get up so it is what it is. Today I’ve made a list and wrote it on the blackboard with the hopes that I can erase my list as I finish things. It was one am before sleep came to me again last night. I did my TV watching and when sleep began to seep into my being I went to bed and slept all night. At least I sleep all night these days. Gone are the sleep an hour or three then wake up for an hour or three then go back to sleep nights. Thank you Lord! I read my Bible this morning and pondered that I don’t always walk away with a deep sense of learning. I do feel safe and comfortable though as I read. I love the familiar feelings I have as I read the scripture again and that feels nice. I notice that I may not get a huge revelation but I find peace as I read the now familiar passages. Deep inside me I know that when I need to learn a deeper learning that God will place it on my heart and I feel safe in that. I have also gone to prayer again and this is now my norm most mornings. Again if I get up and have somewhere to go I may forgo prayers for that day. I do my night time/morning prayers fairly much on a nightly/daily basis. If Daisy is insistent to be taken out then I finish these prayers in my comfy chair. So I have a backup plan that works as well. My day tends to focus more and more on God. Will He like what I am thinking? If not then I ask God to help me to leave those thoughts alone. God does and it is awesome. I try to find ways to be a blessing to Junior and many times it is asking God or being open to God’s direction that I respond to Junior. Sometimes old hurts try to crowd in on my thinking and again I ask God to help me move past those thoughts unless there is a lesson I am to learn. God will take the thoughts or help direct my thoughts so that I learn a lesson. As the dogs and I go for a daily walk I marvel at God’s creation. It is amazing yet again. I also marvel at God directing us to move to this place and the beauty that is my every day. I always find a peace seeping deep into my being as I walk along and my love for God grows. I also realize yet again that my life tends to be the same day in and day out. It is rhythmical and I enjoy the gentle slow pace. It is not scary like it would have been at one time in my life. I feel Junior’s love again and marvel at God’s creation of a man and woman in marriage. Daisy pulls at my attention and I take her outside. I even find comfort in that. Daisy has to go out at night as well and I am learning to not fear the dark. I have a tendency to whole up in the house once darkness comes. I can’t see at night so trips to town are only with Junior. As I walk Daisy around the yard I find gentleness to the night time. I don’t go real far out of the light range due to the fact I am totally blind in darkness. Junior has put up a few lights that shine out into the yard a bit. I appreciate that a ton. Evenings find me watching TV most nights. Until we moved to VA I did not watch TV but now TV is part of my routines as well. I enjoy the programs and find them to give life definition in their own way. Some nights I light the candles I have set up in the fireplace on top of the stove and mantel. They bring warmth and a soothing comfort as well. I am so thankful for TV also on the nights it tends to take me a long time to fall asleep. I am big on DIY programs since we are finishing our home right now. I like getting ideas and implementing them well Junior does that but I tell Junior and he often will make it happen. Junior will also ask me from time to time if I want a certain set up or style. I like that he includes me in the decision making process. As he continues to renovate I find that a lot of thought has gone into making things work for me as well as for him. I have been thinking about our bathroom that we have now. Down the road we will add a 2nd bathroom. Our bathroom now is real small. I mentioned to Junior that he might want to put a shorter shower in and then he went on with the thought. If he shortened the shower he could move the sink and then we’d have more room. It made me happy that he entered into the puzzling through of things. This project would not happen for a few years but I was able to puzzle through this and enjoyed the process. As I am able to puzzle through things I find myself returning to the “old me” and I like that a whole bunch. I am not as quick as I once was but I do love to enter into much the same process that I have in the past. This is something I have loved and enjoy once more. Life tends to be sweet these days. Gone is the depression that tried to overtake me. I have to take medication but I am happy it took me 40 years to need medication. Having the feeling of love, being wanted and wanting to enter into another’s life is sweet. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

October 21 2013

October 21 2013 Greetings My Friend, The first cup of coffee is in me and I feel the edginess leaving my being. Daisy was in a barking mode a lot this morning so Junior tossed a soft object at her to get her to quit barking. The object landed near my face and frankly I was a bit grumpy when I first got up, which in not the norm for me. I took Daisy outside and finished my night/morning prayers in my chair. I drank one cup of coffee and I find myself being the “old me.” I like that. Daisy is busy watching Junior as he moves around, Mindy is conning the older dogs into a game of chase and frankly life is sweet once more. Slowly life settles into its routines and for me that feels safe and good. I guess I am still healing from the accident and I wound up taking a long nap yesterday. It was also a good 1:30 before I got to sleep as well last night. These days though I am not upset with my late night hours. I have my routine for those hours and I enter into it until sleep wants to overtake me. Junior moved the fireplace into the entry way yesterday and I love it there. He is swapping out area rugs due to the one in the entry way is going underneath the fireplace. The one in the TV area is smaller and we decided to do the swap. Cool mornings are the norm now. Right now I turn on a space heater for a bit more heat in the morning. When the gas line is hooked up we can have the fire place turn on when the house reaches a certain temperature. I like that a lot. I love to look at the fire blazing on and off throughout the day. Junior has the wood burning stove in the kitchen hooked up. I am enjoying the warmth also from the stove. He tends to burn a piece or two of wood during the night and it is warm in the morning when we get up. We rarely use the heat pump these days and I like that. It seems to be cheaper to use the propane gas and wood burner stove so that is what we do. I truly hope he is near ready to start on the kitchen. I won’t hold my breath though because this whole renovating process has taught me that the work will be done, not on my time schedule but on Junior’s and he will get to it. I have learned to be quiet about my disdain for the way he works and frankly I am happy that I have learned to let Junior move at his pace and not mine. I see love on Junior’s face as he fixes on our home. He is doing it for me mostly and when I get too fussy his feelings are hurt so being quiet is hard but the reward for me is the finished product. I also love that Junior listens to my ideas and incorporates them from time to time. Sometimes he does not and frankly I am good with his decisions especially when some of my ideas are implemented I am so thankful that I have learned to pray to try to understand this foreign man that I live with. The prayers help me to focus on Junior’s great traits and overlook some of his hard to understand traits. I believe we enter into less fighting and frankly I have had enough fighting to last a lifetime. When I learn to accept Junior for the man he is I find he is not defensive and it is important for him to look after my needs. I have loved DIY shows lately. On one show it showed how to use a certain kind of paint to make a blackboard. Junior did this and he has started making a list of projects on it and then as he finishes the project he erases that from the list. I tend to be the list maker but his using this method also helps me to see what he has on his agenda. I also like seeing projects erased off the board. I hope he keeps this up to tell you the truth. We now have three fireplaces in this house. Two were from when the house was built back in the 1920’s and the gas fireplace. As we begin to finish the master bedroom down the road I believe putting a gas stove inside the fireplace in there will be nice as well. Again I am grateful for the backup systems we are putting into place for when the power goes out. That first year here we went without power for a week in the middle of winter. It doesn’t happen all that often but now I know we will be good. As a woman I have a tendency to get discouraged with my man. That discouragement could lead to pulling apart and I never want to pull away from my man. I did that one time and I don’t want to do it again. The pulling away was due to abuse and anger and as I married Junior I did not want to enter into that again. That is why I try to pray fairly much daily for my marriage and I often ask God to open my eyes and heart to him. God is always faithful and has opened my eyes and heart to Junior when I am unable to understand his strange to me ways. Junior has a huge tender heart. That is what I love about him. He always considers me in all of his actions and it feels awesome. Junior is the first person who has made me feel like I matter and that I have value. For me to get upset about little things seems unfair. I also like “me” not getting upset about every detail in life like I once did. Life is life and I can be upset about each and every detail or I can learn to live with it and accept life as it happens. I prefer to live with life than to be upset all the time. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

October 16 2012

October 16 2013 Greetings My Friend, Our time in MI is coming to an end. I am ready to get back to VA and begin our life out there. I am anxious to discover if the vitamin b 12 will give me an added boost in the energy department. With all the running this week I know that it is not the end all to my sluggish problems but I would be happy with an even measure of energy. A well I can draw and use more often and maybe even venture out into the world of volunteering or a part time job or something in that order. Our niece will be by to finish out the refrigerator swap tonight. We are having diner with a college buddy of Junior's and if things go well we will hook up with a neighbor. Last night on FB I mentioned that I have been cancer free for nine years now. I was surprised at the number of positive comments I received. It felt good. I do believe that a part of me still senses I am an unwanted person. It is from the abuse as a child and as a wife the first time I was married. I generally think that I have no real value. I am not handy woman with regard to carpentry, house repairs, car repairs and the like. I love children but they over whelm me at the same time. I want to be perfect and of course I am not so I tend to shy away from being overly involved with children. For a good many years I found my worth in my children by being their mother. I did find some worth at being a working woman but my heart was a mother first. It was at work though where I began to feel like a productive member of society. I learned how to stand up for myself and felt safe. I learned that I had rights and to insist on them. My children have had to work through what most children of divorce work through. Even though they were older when the divorce took place I have noticed their dismay that their father and I are no longer together. Even though life at home was awful they don't seem to want their Dad and I apart even if they know it is for the best. I began my "self worth" journey in earnest when I asked Jesus into my heart. Slowly I started to feel God's love and then I began to love in healthier ways. It is still a process for me to work through. It is in Jesus that I truly have found my self worth. As I continue to learn how to give more of myself to God I find a sense of being a worthy human being even if there are those who still think I am not very worthy. AG was over visiting us last night at the MI house. She made it known that she has a protectiveness towards me. I have loved her from the start because she is Junior's daughter and a part of the man I love. I got that she felt a lot the same way about me. She loves me because I am her Dad's wife. As AG and AK's family intermingled I felt like our family was finally blending. AK is a neice but feels more like a daughter than a niece since we took her in for a year. She gives me the "mother/daughter moments I often seek. AG does the same for me as well. As I wait for my own daughter to reconcile the struggles in her heart I allow these girls to be my daughter and they will continue to be my daughter even though they have their own mother's to love first. Something that seems to play around in my thoughts a lot lately is a verse that goes something like "You have eyes but can't see, ears but can't hear and mouth's that can not talk." Mostly it is regards to idols that people make but at times I translate that we humans also do not have the ability to see or hear or talk. I feel like we get stuck into a thought pattern and won't allow for another direction to take shape. In my training to walk away from abuse, angry children etc. I often find it hard to change my viewpoint or to see what others truly think of me. As the old renter stopped by and gave us his sad story I had a heart that wanted to believe him and even reach out and help him. After he left though I began realizing he gave us a snow job. I am grateful to have taken a deeper look into his behavior because other wise I would have been taken for a ride as I tried as hard as I could to reach out and help this man. Being open to God's direction helped us. As the man walked away I sensed different things and as I began to look at them in my minds eye I realized that I was handed a line. I believe that God placed those thoughts in my head to show me to steer clear of this man. My heart has a tendcey to want to give to others whether it is time, money or of myself. I believe God does not want me to have a hard heart in general. I also believe that He wants me to discern different situations. Not everybody wants to be rescued. I also start looking at Jesus as he interacted with the people of His day. If I look closely enough I see that Jesus did not reach out to every person that came across His path. I start to see that God will place certain people in my path and He will let me know the ones He wants me to reach out to. I do try to be cordial to all people. I find the best way for me to tune into God and His will is to be in prayer and Bible study. I also seek advice from other Christians at times as well. Being involved with a church family helps me so much. I believe the reason God wants us involved with a church family is we have the strength of other believers to stand beside us and for us to stand by others. I hear the complaint often as well. People in church are hypcrites. Some are. The way I see it I once was one of the hypocrites. As other believers guided me and taught me and as I prayed and read my Bible I found my attitudes changing. It did not change in one setting though. It is a step by step, day by day process. I beleive that God will give us what we can absorb now and as we grow He will continue to grow us in His Way. I tend to see church as a place for the sick to come in and to get to know God. The healing then begins to take place. I try hard to listen to God and I often find the people God is putting in my path or sometimes I am put in another persons path. As the years have moved on in my journey I am now able to look back and see where I once was and where I am today. It is awesome to see the difference. God often reminds me that I am not to compete with another believer. He does not want me to be way better or even a bit better. He does want me to be and do what He calls me to do. When I can focus only on my walk then I am able to grow in the Lord. For me in the begining of my journey I was a broken and hurting woman. Day by day I have begun the process of growing of letting go of hurt and anger. At one point I could not move out of fear. I tried hard to but that fear kept coming back over and over. I asked God about taking an anti-depressant. I felt He led me to take it and since I've been on the medication I am seeing forward movement again. I beleive that due to the stress of my life I have blown a lot of circuits so to speak. The medication mends those circuits and when I don't take it those mended spots don't stay mended. So I take the medication. I believe that God is a great healer. I also believe that at times He will do the healing and at times He allows doctors the healing process. I again believe that we need to let God guide or decisons. Yup that is what I believe. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 16 2013

October 14 2013 Greetings My Friend, Mindy and Daisy are both glad to see us return from our morning errand runs. Daisy gets so excited that she can hardly contain herself. Mindy is excited but not half a excited as Daisy. I fish out the dog chews we picked up. It helps with Mindy's need to chew my fingers to pieces for a while at least. As we get in and settle into routines the girls come alongside of me since I am writing and being quiet. They like to be beside me. If Junior is being quiet and I am not then they go to Junior. If we take a nap we have instant friends as well. I see on FB another woman my age range who is also a widow has decided that she needs a fur child. I begin to see her comments on the fur child's kissing on her or following her around the house. For me Daisy's excitement upon my return just warms my heart. I also have a "mother's" pride when everyone wants to steal Mindy. She seems to effect every one with her lovableness. It is fun seeing Mindy's specialness on other people's faces. Daisy is well like but she can be a bit stand offish due her poor eye sight. She is not stand offish with me though and frankly I feel very owned by this little girl and I love it. I am reminded of God's love again. Sometimes I feel His presence or hugs and sometimes I realize I am being hugged by something else. It could a hug from Junior, a friend or a little fur child. Being senstive to God's direction and love in my life is a process as well. As I continue on in my faith journey I begin to discern the gifts God is bestowing on me. My fear in the begining of this journey was that I may not end up in heaven. For me though I feel sure of my destiny these days. I begin to look at how my life or even my emotional system is going. I start seeing that I have peace about things in general. If I feel uneasy about a situation I ask God to open my eyes and heart to His will in my life. As I continue to ask to be in God's will I find myself making choices and as I make the choices I find a contentment filling my heart. Sometimes fear tries to rule my thoughts. At first I could not let it go no matter how hard I tried or how hard I prayed. After asking God about an anti-depressant and sensing the go ahead I find that the medication helps me move out of my fear. I have no problems with the medication which often is a problem for me since I am overly sensitive to medications many times. As I move out of my fear I know that I am doing God's will for me. Sometimes I am not sure of God's direction so I ask for a sign. Sometimes I use the Bible's examples and then I can discern God's will. Abraham's slave was sent to his relatives to find Isaac a wife. He prayed and asked God to send a woman to the well he was at, a relative of Abraham's. The woman was to ask him if he needed water and if she could water his animals. That situation happened and the slave kenw this was to be Isaac's wife. Gudieon also was unsure of God's direction when God told him to fight the enemy. Gudieon asked God to make a piece of wool be dry and the ground wet and then he asked for the opposite. God did the request both times and Gudieon knew to go out and fight the enemy. Gudieon also won the battle and again he knew was in God's will. As we moved from MI to VA we kept a constant dialouge with God. Sometimes we asked for reassurance and sometimes we knew we were on the right track by the peace we felt. The same goes for my salvation. I now believe I am headed to heaven by the peace I feel and by the way I sense God is directing my life. I see my life following God's will found in the Bible and again I sense a deep peace. I know that I will fall down from time to time. I also believe with all my heart that God is more interested in my heart attitude than He is in my being perfect. I believe the harder I try to be honest with God even about my flaws the more God loves me. When I fall down I also know that God will direct me back to stable ground. I sense forward movement as I look back on the years since I started on this journey. I am not the woman I was back then.I am a woman who will not let others abuse her anymore and I even have learned to let go of relationships that are not healthy for me to enter into. What is your heart attitude? Would you like God to see it? May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 14 2013

October 19 2013 Greetings My Friend, As I write it is Monday and for me the start of a new work week at home. We went to church yesterday and I grew as we studied our lesson in Sunday school and as I heard the message in church. Later we went back to church and I learned yet again. I am amazed at the teachings I am being blessed by. Right now we are in between ministers and a new one has not come yet. We are taught by lay people in our church and I marvel at their depth of knowledge. Forever reading about King David I would find that he was ruddy. What did that mean, was he rugged looking? I learned that ruddy meant that he had red hair. It is a tidbit piece of knowledge at best but it really helped clarifying the meaning for me. It is like the time I learned more about what our Lord Jesus endured as He went through the horror of His death. I always thought that the whip was awful enough to deal with and then to find out that they tied bone and ----- to the cross, well that turned my stomach even more. I also began to grow in my faith because I saw how much our Savior endured just to save us. I learned how awful sin is to God and how much God loves us just because our Savior was willing to die the awful death He died. I must admit that I love learning new things in general but learning more details of my faith and what various things mean, well that truly moves me these days. A few years ago I learned about yeast. I could not understand until I got the deeper meaning and now it makes perfect sense when I read about yeast. Yeast makes the dough rise. Not bad really but in the dough the yeast will keep rising until it is baked. If left to keep rising the dough becomes way too big and does not taste as good. So we don’t want the yeast in our lives to overtake us. A little bit is good and too much is exactly that too much. To me this lesson is valuable. As I read the 23rd Psalm I see pictures that bring peace to my mind. “The Lord is my Shepherd,” reminds me I am not alone and God is truly watching after me. That brings me comfort when I feel all alone and unwanted in life. The thought that God wants me and cares for me helps me to face the hardest of days in life. In my older years and in this faith journey I find myself not looking to others for the confirmation I need in life. I am content with myself and frankly that is a first for me. I like “me.” If others don’t get me, I am good with that. God loves me and frankly that is enough. God also gives me all I need. I have Junior and he loves me to no end. That is about as awesome as life gets for me. For so long I felt unwanted and now I have what I need in life. As I struggle with falls, with surgeries and in general I know that God and Junior will stand by me and help me reach the other side of my struggles. That is awesome. Praying has been so wonderful as well. I learned the ACTS prayer format and still start off with it most days. As I give God accolades, confess my sins, thank God for all I have and ask Him to put me to His use each day I begin to move out of my self-centeredness and into “others” thinking. The more I learn to live outside of myself the more content with life I am. God does not want me to let others abuse me. That was a hard lesson to learn. I tended to think that if someone needed to abuse me then I was doing what God wanted me to do. Nope, not so God does not want me to be abused. When I began looking at our Lord Jesus’ life I noticed that He did not let people abuse Him just to abuse Him. He walked away from abuse, told the religious leaders exactly what He thought. I even “see” Jesus in the temple overturning tables and using a whip because the people were not using God’s house the way He thought they should. I also learn as I read the Bible of the other people who lived before me and their faith journey and what a lack of faith looked like. This helps me to make better choices in life and I see that I am not the deeply troubled women I once was. I believe I am wanted and that makes me want to get up, face each day and even give of myself. My giving these days looks different as well. I can’t do the things I once did. I am turning into a prayer warrior, I reach out to God in my blog, on Twitter and I try to be silly which to me is blessing others as I go out and about. I can’t give the way I’d like to and Miss Janet is a volunteer addict. So I start to see my mission field, to work in my mission field as I sense God leading me. As I do this I find life very pleasant. So others think I am daffy. That is their right. I am no longer going to try to change a view someone insists on me having, I can’t. I wake up each day, do what I can and enjoy it really. I watch Junior move at a snail’s pace as he gets our home in order and I love the progress. I have learned to accept his pace even if I am used to a faster pace. I learn to love my man even though his ways are foreign to me and frankly it feels wonderful. So each day I pray, read my Bible go into each day serving God as best as I can and the best part is God is pleased with what I can give Him. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 16 2013

October 16 2013 Greetings My Friend, Daisy is on one arm of the chair I am in and Mindy is on the other side. For some reason I feel loved, wanted and very special. When family or friends don’t give me the love I desire these animals tend to be the love I long for and I am amazed at how wonderful it feels. About this time I begin to see God’s love for me even though life is not going the way I wanted it to. I begin to see God tends to understand my distress and I even think he feels alongside of me. I may not get to dwell in the hurt because soon will tell me to “go out and do” and when I listen to this command I always find peace. As I realize God’s love for me I find myself not hurting when I don’t find the love I so desperately want from others and life is worth living. I find that God is the most important person in my life even more important than Junior which I would like to give all my love and attention to. God teaches me to be what Junior needs and as I implement what I hear I find Junior not to be annoying and our love tends to grow deeper. God also shows me where to invest my energy. I love writing and I believe God has given me this gift. I write about the lessons I learn and share my faith journey and in all of that I find life good. I tripped on a broken sidewalk got a huge goose egg on my forehead and a nasty black eye and in all of that I find love. There may be a lesson and as I continue to pray and talk to God I will learn the lesson. I may be an example for someone to meet God through the way I deal with this struggle and in that I feel honored as well. Gone are the moments of despair and the feeling of confusion with life in general. I know that God only wants my best. That feels real nice and as lemons come my way I begin to see that I am being given a lesson that truly is good for me. Down deep inside of me I am not angry or even scared because I know God wants my best and in that I am able to face day to day life. With this accident I have also been patient with me. I find myself falling asleep throughout the day. I realize that my body took a nasty tumble and it needs time to heal and recover. Even sewing on my quilt is very piece meal and slow. Gone are the reminders that I used to be able to do more and anger at myself. My favorite phrase continues to play out in my mind “it is what it is.” I also soak up the love each dog and cat gives me on a daily basis. It is fun watching Mindy grow in her puppy phase, the baby kittens will soon be all around us and underfoot. I enjoy the house we have been given and continue to find ways to decorate it which speaks to me deep in my being. At one point in my life I made my whole life about being a wife and mother. Today I am a wife and for the first time in my life I feel loved and wanted. I accept that the kids grew up in dysfunction, I don’t like it but I accept it. God shows me my talents and I strive to work in the talents I have been given. As I learn to be and do what I hear God teaching me to be and do I find life very acceptable and I don’t strive to be the people pleaser I was at one time. I am who I am and that is that. I love the ones that love me and accept that I am not everyone’s favorite woman. My day turns to prayer more and more. I like that. I like taking time out throughout the day to talk with God. My night time prayers tend to review the gift of the cross. My daytime prayers tend to be for family and friends. I also pray for those on FB that tend to be struggling or as I travel I will pray as I see an accident or as I hear of needs of others. I like “me” these days. If others don’t, I can’t control that. I find that if God loves me I have all I need and then I marvel at the ones God places in my life. Junior loves me and tells me in so many precious ways by the way he fixes on our house, brings home a pet, buys me trinkets and brings a flower from the yard in just for me. Fridays I volunteer at church and I love the social interactions of other women to be very satisfying. I write a blog or a tweet or both several days a week and enjoy it to no end. I accept that my body is not what it once was. I stumble more, fall more and my thought process tends to not be as quick as it once was and “that is ok.” I make a craft up to some extent only to find others are making a tee shirt quilt. I love cross stitch so I cross stitch my quilt and enjoy it. The older “Janet” likes herself and enjoys each day even the rough ones. I accept that I never figured out how to be popular and I am content. I enjoy day to day life and when the lemons of life strike I know that a new day will dawn and I will enjoy that moment when it arrives. I accept the limitations of the lemons of life tend to throw at me with more grace than in the past. That feels good. Junior will wake up and love on me and when he has a cranky moment I know that will pass as well and we will be good friends in short order. So I live for God, give each piece of my being to God that I am able and find my definition of “me” in God. In all of that I find peace. Where is your definition of yourself found? May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 13 2013 Greetings My Friend, I have a birth defect that I just found out in the last year I had. My brain stem is growing down into my vertebrae and for a long time now I have become unbalanced in small ways. I always thought I had put weight on for the first time in my life and that was causing my unbalance but in fact it is my birth defect. I was at a store one time and tripped over my foot and found myself laid out flat on the floor. A friend suggested I start using a cane and for the most part it has helped me a lot. I found myself having a confidence as I walked again. About two weeks ago I was on the porch and somehow I tripped on a rocking chair. My foot began to swell and walking was difficult so I went to the ER. I had bruised my foot real bad and was given an ice pack to put on my foot. Within a day I was walking around again with no pain. B’s son J who has been helping Junior was told that we’d be running out of money and his services were not going to be needed. There was a moment where we realized that he would not look for work unless he was motivated to go out and look. He had grown used to a paycheck, however small it was and was content to stay at that place. So Junior decided to take another step toward helping him for his own good in our eyes and told him his services were coming to an end. J has wanted to learn how to drive a semi. He has been on the internet sights checking into what he needs to do to learn how to drive. He has read as much material as he could and finally put in an application to learn how to drive a big rig. Last weekend we took J to the bus station for him to travel to his school. As we were waiting around for the bus to come I found myself pacing, it is something I do. I was looking at the area since it was new to me and I found myself falling on the cement. The sidewalk was busted up and I did not notice it. I landed in front of a trash bin. I was dazed for a bit. When I got up and looked in a mirror I had a huge goose egg on my head. I skinned up a couple other spots on my body. Junior asked a storekeeper for a bag of ice and I began putting the ice on my forehead. I sat in the car till the bus came and then we left for home. We did stop at an eye glass place to get my glasses readjusted and then we headed on home. The second day I went to sleep with a headache and woke up with one so off to the ER I went just to make sure everything was good in the inside of me. After several hours a few x-rays and a CAT scan, I was told everything was ok. The headaches were to be expected and at that point I quit worrying something major had gone wrong. In times of distress like this I try to remember to “give God thanks” and frankly at times it is hard. After the ER visit though I was truly comforted and realized things could have easily been a lot worse. That is the point that giving God thanks began to form on my lips and in my heart. Prior to the ER visit I was just trying to cope with the injury. Very little thought came to mind other than getting through the next moment. I was falling asleep frequently the first day after several hours of staying awake. At one point I woke up and found not one but 5 dogs on me. In some strange way I think the kids knew I was injured and wanted to love on me. That is the first time all of them wanted to be on me at one time. They generally take turns coming to me to cuddle. That felt real nice to be honest. Daisy was beside me the whole time as well and she is now my girl. Daisy also gave me a focus which helped me move forward a lot. By taking her out for her potty breaks and feeding her I found myself not dwelling on my injury. Mindy is a puppy and that means she is playful. She too wanted me to play with her and again it helped me move out of despair. As I write I am on day three and I feel some of my energy is coming back. That feels nice so the plans are forming in my head of the jobs I want to accomplish and I am thinking about cooking us some food for lunch and such. At present I am writing another one of my loves. To be honest I find a lot of comfort in returning to the routines of life. Part of me would like to hole up and not go out my front door much anymore. I am also a social creature so staying home is hard for me to accept. I do stay home more but I do like going out as well. I have decided to keep going out. I may need to rethink this process or if I need to use a scooter or some such down the road. It will be something I must deal with as my balance continues to decline. Part of me is learning to trust God more as well. I believe God wants my best. I also believe that God has allowed this struggle into my life for a reason. Do I know the reason? Not really but I do know that God wants my “highest good” so I wait and see where this whole thing will take me. I may be an example for someone to see how to deal with struggles. I truly don’t know how God is using this struggle at present but I feel safe knowing that God loves me and He often even feels my discomfort so my goal is to keep talking to God as I go through life with this trial. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

oct 9 2013

October 5 2013

October 5 2013 Greetings My Friend, I had one of those up and down nights last night. As the years have gone on I have learned to get up, watch TV and at some point I will get tired and fall asleep. For the most part I will sleep soundly and get enough sleep to wake up refreshed I like being a morning person. I have always liked being a morning person. These days though I also learn to be a night owl. When I get up there is Daisy looking at me from her little bed on our bed. I pick her up and take her with me. For the most part she curls up on my lap and sleeps till I pick her up and we go back to bed. More often than not I will sleep the rest of the night. Last night though I was up and down a few times. I for some reason I could not stay asleep. By the last up and down episode I realized that I was not going to be able to be up and functioning for church. I love going to church with Junior. I am sad when I can’t go with him. I will watch a Christian program or two and we will attend Bible study in the evening so I will find a way to have Christian Fellowship for this week I need my church family. This group of people has been about the most loving group of people I have ever met. They take me warts and all. Once more I find that their loving ways towards me helps me grow so much. They get that I struggle to do day to day things. Many tell me of their day to day struggle and I sense they aren’t angry that I can’t volunteer like I once did. I feel they are happy for me and are happy that I can give even if it is so little. On Fridays I love helping fold the bulletins and straighten the pews. E the secretary has her daughter with her as she tries to post the next program, answers the phone and keeps the church running efficiently. After I am done I tend to sit in the office and chat with her for a bit before heading home. I am also so excited that such a young person is in such a serious walk with the Lord. Her husband and her have had a crazy life up to now. As very young people though they turned their life over to the Lord and are trying very hard to walk with the Lord. I am excited for them. Her husband is the youth minister and for me I am excited because this youth group isn’t only about hanging out it also points the kids to Jesus and a personal walk with Him. For many years I was a senior high advisor. I loved those kids and they often helped me as much as I was able to help them. My role tended to be nurturer. I was often the nurse going with kids to the hospital when needed, giving out medication and just being beside them. I also was the cook often as well. In the kitchen I’d get a few kids for each meal to help me prepare the meal, get the kitchen cleaned up and the like. That often presented an opportunity for me to listen and to talk with them about the stuff they have deep inside of them. For some reason peeling potatoes and talking tend to allow for conversations. I often hear that kids today are growing up so fast. It is true but I also find that given an opportunity they still are kids as well. One of the hardest things to learn for me was the way they play through almost everything. About the time I think they won’t get the project done on time, they finish up and show me a beautiful job. Their project is neat and clean and done well, even though they played their way through the whole ordeal. I had one young man that was a terror to most of the adults in our group. For me though he was gentle and often watched after me in a protective way. On our mission trips he was given the responsibility to drive me to the grocery store and drive me for various errands. He showed me that men are tough for sure but there also is a gentle side to them which I had never experienced prior to meeting him. That felt real nice. As my former marriage ended I found these kids coming beside me. They thought I needed to learn to flirt and they taught me their “young” flirting tactics. I tried this out on Junior when I met him and he laughed so hard. He realized that I had been taught by the kids. I was a t a low point many years later after I had been married to Junior. My kids and my relationship tend to be rocky at best and I commented on FB about the hurt my children knew. One of my former senior high kids commented and stated that I was a good mother. She was my daughter’s good friend and they hung out a whole lot. This young lady knew the craziness that went on in that home. At this point I still grieve but because God loves me and holds me and pushes me I find I am able to face life with or without my kids. I take them to prayer daily asking God to watch after them and asking God to teach me to be the mother they need me to be. It is at that point that I let go and wait for God to open their eyes and hearts. At the right time they will come back. More important at this point is that they come to know Jesus personally. I find that I’d rather they live with God in eternity than with Satan in hell. Two of my grandchildren are now 15 and the youngest one is ten. I am sad that I had very little time with them. I did have some time and for that I am grateful. I often took them to church, we baked, played with our big stuffed frog and played with tools that Grandpa set up for them to use. We read the children’s Bible as a bedtime story and put them to bed with a prayer they offered up. Due to my ex’s need to be center stage, I let him have it. I wanted to get away so I was not the “grandma” I dreamed I would be. It is what it is. With God I find I have peace. I did the best I could and I am ok with that. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet