October 16 2012

October 16 2013 Greetings My Friend, Our time in MI is coming to an end. I am ready to get back to VA and begin our life out there. I am anxious to discover if the vitamin b 12 will give me an added boost in the energy department. With all the running this week I know that it is not the end all to my sluggish problems but I would be happy with an even measure of energy. A well I can draw and use more often and maybe even venture out into the world of volunteering or a part time job or something in that order. Our niece will be by to finish out the refrigerator swap tonight. We are having diner with a college buddy of Junior's and if things go well we will hook up with a neighbor. Last night on FB I mentioned that I have been cancer free for nine years now. I was surprised at the number of positive comments I received. It felt good. I do believe that a part of me still senses I am an unwanted person. It is from the abuse as a child and as a wife the first time I was married. I generally think that I have no real value. I am not handy woman with regard to carpentry, house repairs, car repairs and the like. I love children but they over whelm me at the same time. I want to be perfect and of course I am not so I tend to shy away from being overly involved with children. For a good many years I found my worth in my children by being their mother. I did find some worth at being a working woman but my heart was a mother first. It was at work though where I began to feel like a productive member of society. I learned how to stand up for myself and felt safe. I learned that I had rights and to insist on them. My children have had to work through what most children of divorce work through. Even though they were older when the divorce took place I have noticed their dismay that their father and I are no longer together. Even though life at home was awful they don't seem to want their Dad and I apart even if they know it is for the best. I began my "self worth" journey in earnest when I asked Jesus into my heart. Slowly I started to feel God's love and then I began to love in healthier ways. It is still a process for me to work through. It is in Jesus that I truly have found my self worth. As I continue to learn how to give more of myself to God I find a sense of being a worthy human being even if there are those who still think I am not very worthy. AG was over visiting us last night at the MI house. She made it known that she has a protectiveness towards me. I have loved her from the start because she is Junior's daughter and a part of the man I love. I got that she felt a lot the same way about me. She loves me because I am her Dad's wife. As AG and AK's family intermingled I felt like our family was finally blending. AK is a neice but feels more like a daughter than a niece since we took her in for a year. She gives me the "mother/daughter moments I often seek. AG does the same for me as well. As I wait for my own daughter to reconcile the struggles in her heart I allow these girls to be my daughter and they will continue to be my daughter even though they have their own mother's to love first. Something that seems to play around in my thoughts a lot lately is a verse that goes something like "You have eyes but can't see, ears but can't hear and mouth's that can not talk." Mostly it is regards to idols that people make but at times I translate that we humans also do not have the ability to see or hear or talk. I feel like we get stuck into a thought pattern and won't allow for another direction to take shape. In my training to walk away from abuse, angry children etc. I often find it hard to change my viewpoint or to see what others truly think of me. As the old renter stopped by and gave us his sad story I had a heart that wanted to believe him and even reach out and help him. After he left though I began realizing he gave us a snow job. I am grateful to have taken a deeper look into his behavior because other wise I would have been taken for a ride as I tried as hard as I could to reach out and help this man. Being open to God's direction helped us. As the man walked away I sensed different things and as I began to look at them in my minds eye I realized that I was handed a line. I believe that God placed those thoughts in my head to show me to steer clear of this man. My heart has a tendcey to want to give to others whether it is time, money or of myself. I believe God does not want me to have a hard heart in general. I also believe that He wants me to discern different situations. Not everybody wants to be rescued. I also start looking at Jesus as he interacted with the people of His day. If I look closely enough I see that Jesus did not reach out to every person that came across His path. I start to see that God will place certain people in my path and He will let me know the ones He wants me to reach out to. I do try to be cordial to all people. I find the best way for me to tune into God and His will is to be in prayer and Bible study. I also seek advice from other Christians at times as well. Being involved with a church family helps me so much. I believe the reason God wants us involved with a church family is we have the strength of other believers to stand beside us and for us to stand by others. I hear the complaint often as well. People in church are hypcrites. Some are. The way I see it I once was one of the hypocrites. As other believers guided me and taught me and as I prayed and read my Bible I found my attitudes changing. It did not change in one setting though. It is a step by step, day by day process. I beleive that God will give us what we can absorb now and as we grow He will continue to grow us in His Way. I tend to see church as a place for the sick to come in and to get to know God. The healing then begins to take place. I try hard to listen to God and I often find the people God is putting in my path or sometimes I am put in another persons path. As the years have moved on in my journey I am now able to look back and see where I once was and where I am today. It is awesome to see the difference. God often reminds me that I am not to compete with another believer. He does not want me to be way better or even a bit better. He does want me to be and do what He calls me to do. When I can focus only on my walk then I am able to grow in the Lord. For me in the begining of my journey I was a broken and hurting woman. Day by day I have begun the process of growing of letting go of hurt and anger. At one point I could not move out of fear. I tried hard to but that fear kept coming back over and over. I asked God about taking an anti-depressant. I felt He led me to take it and since I've been on the medication I am seeing forward movement again. I beleive that due to the stress of my life I have blown a lot of circuits so to speak. The medication mends those circuits and when I don't take it those mended spots don't stay mended. So I take the medication. I believe that God is a great healer. I also believe that at times He will do the healing and at times He allows doctors the healing process. I again believe that we need to let God guide or decisons. Yup that is what I believe. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet