June 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I find myself working my way through my morning routines. The goal this week has been to clean up the stuff that accumulates behind the furniture with the idea of mopping the floors where there are no rugs and today is ready for mopping. This excites me as I continue to keep order more and more in the house. I have found a shelf unit to use in the hallway for baskets to put my clothes in instead of the dressers which I hope will find their way into the enclosed porch that will be our storage area. I want the bedroom emptied a bit so we can put a recliner in there for the times Junior’s back require him to sleep in the recliner. That way we are in the same room even if we can’t be in the same bed. That is my thinking anyway. I found the first unit and have filled it with baskets for my clothes but now I need another one to finish putting all my clothes in baskets. Again I find myself grateful for more order. I find myself moving forward more and more and frankly it feels real nice. My jaw is still a bit tender and I am grateful that it is getting better. I am grateful to be walking more days than not and frankly I am sleeping through the night better now that I am moving about more. I knew this would work but for some reason I could not make myself get out and do. I had a friend teach me when I first retired that 5 minutes of work is more than no work at all and the next time I get 5 minutes I can move onto something else and frankly that helps me a ton. Instead of focusing on what I have not accomplished I try to see what I have done and am doing. As I have energy I am doing more and more. I am writing three days a week now. I also love that. This is my part-time job. So I work at a job and at keeping our house in order and life tends to have direction and meaning to me. With the warmer weather I am outside a bit more as well. I love the country peace of our lives. It is peaceful, pretty and frankly awesome. Yesterday was Friday so I went to the church to help fold the bulletins. They had been done so I headed into the sanctuary to straighten the pews. That was nice and then I visited our youth minister and his wife in his new office space. Junior came in and we headed off to the dealership to get the Volt’s oil changed and then to Abingdon for a day of thrift store shopping. It was a fun carefree kind of day away from the routines of the week. We also visited a couple of gravel places to check on prices for rocks for our yard. Today will be an at home day. Each day this week I worked at cleaning out behind the furniture and today I hope to mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor. Again I feel real good with a more picked up home. Frankly I find myself continuing to fall in love with this house. It amazes me that I feel this way. I am grateful as well because I truly hope to never move again. If this has to be the last house I live in then I’m grateful that I love it like I do. This morning Junior cleaned the area rugs and he has washed the blankets on our bed. Again I find myself grateful that he helps me with the housework along with his renovating. For Junior some of the house hold work is a way for him to be busy and to rest his back. For me he helps me as I continue to gain my energy back and our home then is comfortable. Again I learn Junior is trying to meet me half way. When I moved in with him he had piles, the type of piles hoarders get. He did amaze me because he is the first hoarder I met that would move his piles so he could mop and clean under them. At present Junior has a couple of spots within the house that are a mess. The first is his desk which is next to the table and that too tends to be out of control at times. He has a closet he is storing his tools in which means the vacuum cleaner sits out. Overall though the house has a picked up look about it and sometimes he has a coat or a pair of shoes lying around. I will put them away as I see the need. I continue to marvel at our boring life. My life in my first marriage always had some type of excitement and in this marriage we hang out at the house doing our thing. We have days we run and frankly a lot of people may think we are boring but I love our life. I love that fighting is not a constant in this marriage. I love that neither one of us seems to need to prove we are smarter or better than the other. Frankly I think we both attempt to seek each other’s highest good and well that feels real nice. Growing up there was always friction going on at home. My ex and I were always at each other’s throats. I saw that his parents were always squabbling over things. I had never seen a married couple who seemed to enjoy their spouse. I marvel at the fact that Junior and I are friends and we enjoy days on end with each other. We don’t have to find friends to do things with and are content hanging out with each other day in and day out. I also marvel that when Junior is on my last nerve that I will talk to God about how to deal with his annoying habit. In short order God opens my eyes to Junior in some small way and frankly his annoying habit doesn’t bother me anymore. I also find that if Junior turned into the hoarder he could be, I’d be ok with that. Having someone who loves me and lets me be me is so refreshing. I love that we don’t need to compete to be better or brighter than the other one. I love that we enjoy each other’s humor, lifestyle in general. Yup life is about as sweet as it can be. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet June 26, 2103 Greetings My Friend, I feel the start of a cold trying to settle into my chest, my throat is scratchy and my nose is itchy. I have been taking Vitamin C tablets with the hope of kicking this cold to the curb. We will see. It usually works. The goal this morning was to pick up the Volt from the dealership from having the oil changed. I went on in the Volt to the medical supply place to pick a new hose and mask for my CPAP machine. Junior went to Lowe’s and did some grocery shopping. I made it home before he did so I said my prayers, wrote in my journal and now I am writing a blog. I am trying to decide if I will mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor by the area rugs. I feel a bit like crud so maybe it will be my job for tomorrow. It is rainy outside so I will jump on the elliptical instead of going outside. I am off the medication for my TMJ and my energy level is nonexistent again. So I struggle to do extra things around the house. It is what it is and that is ok. I don’t know how I’d cope without the help of my phrase of “it is what it is.” I can’t do and that is ok. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t. I am working on a cross stitch project along with writing and reading the Bible. That feels good. So I continue to look for jobs I can do with my energy level. I’m still not up to another day out to volunteer. So I’m happy when I can do a little something extra. This cold is kicking my but so that also doesn’t help. I am looking forward to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and the news and evening TV. I’m grateful for the TV these days. For the first 10 years of our marriage we did not watch TV other than on 9-11. We mainly rented movies when we wanted to slow down and watch TV. We did that most Friday nights after a long week at work. It worked. These days I tend to not turn the TV on till 4:00 sometimes I will turn it on at 3:00 but mostly 4:00. By that time I’ve done what I could, read my Bible, prayed, talked on the phone and wrote. That works. I love it actually. I find myself staring at the room/rooms and loving the views I get. This place is a great place to be quiet and I enjoy the look we are creating a bunch. I remember thinking the last year or two of my career that I’d like to sit when I needed to sit and not force myself like I was doing for a couple years before I retired. I lost it toward the end. After cancer I don’t think I was ever the energetic woman I once was. What I had spent a lifetime of doing was now hard for me to keep up with. These days I find myself rather patient with me. It was real hard at first. Now I find myself grateful for the slower pace to be able to get things done in. Again our home is fairly picked up looking other than Junior’s desk and the table and the hall on the enclosed porch. Even as Junior begins to work on the kitchen I don’t find the massive amount of things living in our home that once did when we first moved here. That truly helps me. Again I fall in love with Junior’s “boring” ways. It took me a while to learn how to slow down and not have something filling my every moment. As I have learned to slow down and move slower I find that I am in love with this slow paced life. We get very few visitors which helps as well. I don’t worry that the house is all spotless most days. This Christmas I am hoping to have family and friends stop by for the holiday. I do like to entertain a bit and I’d love to fill this house up with people we love. I love walking around and listening to all the conversations taking place. I love acting silly. I don’t think I care about getting gifts as much as sharing the day with others. With the kitchen in order I can help get food on and put out for other’s to come and enjoy. Yup I’m excited. I again learn that overall Junior and I aren’t that messy. That helps me a ton. The floors are cleaned often, the dishes are done, the bathroom is cleaned often and the bedding is washed once a week so we don’t live in a lot of clutter and piles. There are some but not a lot. I also learn that I won’t ever have that immaculate house of my dreams and frankly I like the idea of people coming by, propping up their feet and resting from the day to day grind we all tend to have. I always want my home to be that place where people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I think I am starting to realize somewhere deep inside of me it isn’t about how clean or dirty but how comfortable I am able to make our home. Some won’t like our clutter. That is ok. We are comfortable with it and frankly that is all that matters. People often tell me how comfortable our home is and frankly that feels real nice. It isn’t about how spotless I can keep a home. This is a hard lesson for me to grasp. Still as I begin to grasp it I find myself being content. I am who I am. For most of my life I felt if I could figure the right formula out I’d be well liked and respected. These days I am more interested in being what God wants me to be and frankly it is about the most freeing feeling I’ve ever had. I no longer care if I have the “best” car, house or the most money. It is more about being who I am and enjoying me for who I am. If people have a problem with that, there is not a thing I can do about it so why try to the point of feeling crazy? Who are you trying to please? Why? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I find myself working my way through my morning routines. The goal this week has been to clean up the stuff that accumulates behind the furniture with the idea of mopping the floors where there are no rugs and today is ready for mopping. This excites me as I continue to keep order more and more in the house. I have found a shelf unit to use in the hallway for baskets to put my clothes in instead of the dressers which I hope will find their way into the enclosed porch that will be our storage area. I want the bedroom emptied a bit so we can put a recliner in there for the times Junior’s back require him to sleep in the recliner. That way we are in the same room even if we can’t be in the same bed. That is my thinking anyway. I found the first unit and have filled it with baskets for my clothes but now I need another one to finish putting all my clothes in baskets. Again I find myself grateful for more order. I find myself moving forward more and more and frankly it feels real nice. My jaw is still a bit tender and I am grateful that it is getting better. I am grateful to be walking more days than not and frankly I am sleeping through the night better now that I am moving about more. I knew this would work but for some reason I could not make myself get out and do. I had a friend teach me when I first retired that 5 minutes of work is more than no work at all and the next time I get 5 minutes I can move onto something else and frankly that helps me a ton. Instead of focusing on what I have not accomplished I try to see what I have done and am doing. As I have energy I am doing more and more. I am writing three days a week now. I also love that. This is my part-time job. So I work at a job and at keeping our house in order and life tends to have direction and meaning to me. With the warmer weather I am outside a bit more as well. I love the country peace of our lives. It is peaceful, pretty and frankly awesome. Yesterday was Friday so I went to the church to help fold the bulletins. They had been done so I headed into the sanctuary to straighten the pews. That was nice and then I visited our youth minister and his wife in his new office space. Junior came in and we headed off to the dealership to get the Volt’s oil changed and then to Abingdon for a day of thrift store shopping. It was a fun carefree kind of day away from the routines of the week. We also visited a couple of gravel places to check on prices for rocks for our yard. Today will be an at home day. Each day this week I worked at cleaning out behind the furniture and today I hope to mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor. Again I feel real good with a more picked up home. Frankly I find myself continuing to fall in love with this house. It amazes me that I feel this way. I am grateful as well because I truly hope to never move again. If this has to be the last house I live in then I’m grateful that I love it like I do. This morning Junior cleaned the area rugs and he has washed the blankets on our bed. Again I find myself grateful that he helps me with the housework along with his renovating. For Junior some of the house hold work is a way for him to be busy and to rest his back. For me he helps me as I continue to gain my energy back and our home then is comfortable. Again I learn Junior is trying to meet me half way. When I moved in with him he had piles, the type of piles hoarders get. He did amaze me because he is the first hoarder I met that would move his piles so he could mop and clean under them. At present Junior has a couple of spots within the house that are a mess. The first is his desk which is next to the table and that too tends to be out of control at times. He has a closet he is storing his tools in which means the vacuum cleaner sits out. Overall though the house has a picked up look about it and sometimes he has a coat or a pair of shoes lying around. I will put them away as I see the need. I continue to marvel at our boring life. My life in my first marriage always had some type of excitement and in this marriage we hang out at the house doing our thing. We have days we run and frankly a lot of people may think we are boring but I love our life. I love that fighting is not a constant in this marriage. I love that neither one of us seems to need to prove we are smarter or better than the other. Frankly I think we both attempt to seek each other’s highest good and well that feels real nice. Growing up there was always friction going on at home. My ex and I were always at each other’s throats. I saw that his parents were always squabbling over things. I had never seen a married couple who seemed to enjoy their spouse. I marvel at the fact that Junior and I are friends and we enjoy days on end with each other. We don’t have to find friends to do things with and are content hanging out with each other day in and day out. I also marvel that when Junior is on my last nerve that I will talk to God about how to deal with his annoying habit. In short order God opens my eyes to Junior in some small way and frankly his annoying habit doesn’t bother me anymore. I also find that if Junior turned into the hoarder he could be, I’d be ok with that. Having someone who loves me and lets me be me is so refreshing. I love that we don’t need to compete to be better or brighter than the other one. I love that we enjoy each other’s humor, lifestyle in general. Yup life is about as sweet as it can be. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet June 26, 2103 Greetings My Friend, I feel the start of a cold trying to settle into my chest, my throat is scratchy and my nose is itchy. I have been taking Vitamin C tablets with the hope of kicking this cold to the curb. We will see. It usually works. The goal this morning was to pick up the Volt from the dealership from having the oil changed. I went on in the Volt to the medical supply place to pick a new hose and mask for my CPAP machine. Junior went to Lowe’s and did some grocery shopping. I made it home before he did so I said my prayers, wrote in my journal and now I am writing a blog. I am trying to decide if I will mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor by the area rugs. I feel a bit like crud so maybe it will be my job for tomorrow. It is rainy outside so I will jump on the elliptical instead of going outside. I am off the medication for my TMJ and my energy level is nonexistent again. So I struggle to do extra things around the house. It is what it is and that is ok. I don’t know how I’d cope without the help of my phrase of “it is what it is.” I can’t do and that is ok. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t. I am working on a cross stitch project along with writing and reading the Bible. That feels good. So I continue to look for jobs I can do with my energy level. I’m still not up to another day out to volunteer. So I’m happy when I can do a little something extra. This cold is kicking my but so that also doesn’t help. I am looking forward to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and the news and evening TV. I’m grateful for the TV these days. For the first 10 years of our marriage we did not watch TV other than on 9-11. We mainly rented movies when we wanted to slow down and watch TV. We did that most Friday nights after a long week at work. It worked. These days I tend to not turn the TV on till 4:00 sometimes I will turn it on at 3:00 but mostly 4:00. By that time I’ve done what I could, read my Bible, prayed, talked on the phone and wrote. That works. I love it actually. I find myself staring at the room/rooms and loving the views I get. This place is a great place to be quiet and I enjoy the look we are creating a bunch. I remember thinking the last year or two of my career that I’d like to sit when I needed to sit and not force myself like I was doing for a couple years before I retired. I lost it toward the end. After cancer I don’t think I was ever the energetic woman I once was. What I had spent a lifetime of doing was now hard for me to keep up with. These days I find myself rather patient with me. It was real hard at first. Now I find myself grateful for the slower pace to be able to get things done in. Again our home is fairly picked up looking other than Junior’s desk and the table and the hall on the enclosed porch. Even as Junior begins to work on the kitchen I don’t find the massive amount of things living in our home that once did when we first moved here. That truly helps me. Again I fall in love with Junior’s “boring” ways. It took me a while to learn how to slow down and not have something filling my every moment. As I have learned to slow down and move slower I find that I am in love with this slow paced life. We get very few visitors which helps as well. I don’t worry that the house is all spotless most days. This Christmas I am hoping to have family and friends stop by for the holiday. I do like to entertain a bit and I’d love to fill this house up with people we love. I love walking around and listening to all the conversations taking place. I love acting silly. I don’t think I care about getting gifts as much as sharing the day with others. With the kitchen in order I can help get food on and put out for other’s to come and enjoy. Yup I’m excited. I again learn that overall Junior and I aren’t that messy. That helps me a ton. The floors are cleaned often, the dishes are done, the bathroom is cleaned often and the bedding is washed once a week so we don’t live in a lot of clutter and piles. There are some but not a lot. I also learn that I won’t ever have that immaculate house of my dreams and frankly I like the idea of people coming by, propping up their feet and resting from the day to day grind we all tend to have. I always want my home to be that place where people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I think I am starting to realize somewhere deep inside of me it isn’t about how clean or dirty but how comfortable I am able to make our home. Some won’t like our clutter. That is ok. We are comfortable with it and frankly that is all that matters. People often tell me how comfortable our home is and frankly that feels real nice. It isn’t about how spotless I can keep a home. This is a hard lesson for me to grasp. Still as I begin to grasp it I find myself being content. I am who I am. For most of my life I felt if I could figure the right formula out I’d be well liked and respected. These days I am more interested in being what God wants me to be and frankly it is about the most freeing feeling I’ve ever had. I no longer care if I have the “best” car, house or the most money. It is more about being who I am and enjoying me for who I am. If people have a problem with that, there is not a thing I can do about it so why try to the point of feeling crazy? Who are you trying to please? Why? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I try to pull up today’s devotion to proof read it before I post it. I don’t see one so I start writing another blog. Today we went shopping. I loved it and we do this once or twice a week. It is fun. We went to Wal-Mart’s so I could buy a pair of shorts and while there we picked up a few groceries, fruit, ice cream and the like. Next we headed over to Lowe’s. I waited for Junior in the car. I had worn myself out so I sat, looked on FB on my phone and enjoyed the quiet. Junior picked up a fire pit for our deck. Now I am anxious to try it out. My new goal is to not go in to watch the news till after 6:00. I am hoping to watch less evening TV and stay on the porch longer so I am attempting to stretch out my time before caving in and watching TV. Junior picked up some outdoor flowers and now they grace the porch. A homey feel continues to grow as we incorporate the outdoor space into a living space for us. I get to be my girl self and decorate which I love doing. We’ve started eating our lunch out there and again it is a thrill to sit up there, look into the woods, the yard and to chat with my man. I also like sitting outside for a bit and then go inside. I make the bed, put lunch on and find some small chore to do. I love it. I am able to work around my energy level and that helps me a ton. Today was sheets day where the sheets are taken off the bed and washed and then put back on. Today I hung the sheets up on the line on the back porch and again I think maybe we should use the dryer less and hang the clothes more. We’d save some money but I think it is more about the fresh smell than about saving money. We have time to do this as well. We aren’t hurrying off in the morning only to return in the evening, wash a load of clothes and hop into bed. Yup I love that my main job is to write, do housework and cook. I love my walks too. I am thinking about getting a Yoga DVD to start back with this habit I did for years. The walk should take care of the heart and Yoga would stretch my body. Again the day fills into more of what I want to do in my older years and I love it. I have walked for years. I get lost in my thoughts. Work out struggles on my walks. Out here I get to look at nature in all its glory. The dogs tagging along add to the fun. As I continue to find my way back to some sort of health my Yoga days come back to me. When the kids were little and I’d try doing Yoga when they were up and around I often found a small body sitting on top of me. The last week or so we’ve been doing the whole route which is to the end of the road and back. It takes about a half hour and I am fairly much beat up when we get back. I am happy though with the increase in time, the hills don’t hurt either. Again I am thrilled to be off the clock so to speak. I can do what I can at the pace that is right at this point in my life. Our chats range from how to decorate the deck to what plans we have for today. I love our time to talk. This is a point where we connect as a couple and I relish it. When we get back Junior goes off to work on some project or other and I tend to go into my own world as well. I write, call people, clean etc. and being able to work at a slower pace feels wonderful. Once or twice a week we head into town for some sort of shopping or doctor appointment or such. It feels real nice to be honest. With the new deck I can sit outside in the shade and soak up the warm weather. I am hoping to learn how to go out after dark more. I still have old hang ups about being out after dark. I am afraid of animals and such. Silly but very real to me and sitting up high should keep the fear at bay. I am learning how to stay outside longer and I bet by the end of summer this little fear will be history. I also love having the cats only out there. We love on each other and I enjoy their quiet ways. When I go for a walk or sit in the yard the dogs want me to play with them and in their own way it is fun. I love having the best of two worlds. As we are talking about how to deal with the old porch which is now enclosed I mention that making an area for our outdoor furniture might be nice and Junior seems to think I have a good idea. That of course makes me feel even more special. Now if I could figure out how to take some pictures I’d be so very happy. I could post them on FB and share the love I have for where I am at. Slowly I learn how to be more technical and I enjoy making this old brain work a bit as well. I don’t know if young people get how hard it is to change our brains at this age but I struggle big time. Once I learn a new thing it is awesome. I am hoping our young minister and his wife will come by and help me get my Bible the whole Bible on my phone and then as an application I can pull up to use as I read along in church. Slowly I learn, I am thankful when young people have patience with me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I try to pull up today’s devotion to proof read it before I post it. I don’t see one so I start writing another blog. Today we went shopping. I loved it and we do this once or twice a week. It is fun. We went to Wal-Mart’s so I could buy a pair of shorts and while there we picked up a few groceries, fruit, ice cream and the like. Next we headed over to Lowe’s. I waited for Junior in the car. I had worn myself out so I sat, looked on FB on my phone and enjoyed the quiet. Junior picked up a fire pit for our deck. Now I am anxious to try it out. My new goal is to not go in to watch the news till after 6:00. I am hoping to watch less evening TV and stay on the porch longer so I am attempting to stretch out my time before caving in and watching TV. Junior picked up some outdoor flowers and now they grace the porch. A homey feel continues to grow as we incorporate the outdoor space into a living space for us. I get to be my girl self and decorate which I love doing. We’ve started eating our lunch out there and again it is a thrill to sit up there, look into the woods, the yard and to chat with my man. I also like sitting outside for a bit and then go inside. I make the bed, put lunch on and find some small chore to do. I love it. I am able to work around my energy level and that helps me a ton. Today was sheets day where the sheets are taken off the bed and washed and then put back on. Today I hung the sheets up on the line on the back porch and again I think maybe we should use the dryer less and hang the clothes more. We’d save some money but I think it is more about the fresh smell than about saving money. We have time to do this as well. We aren’t hurrying off in the morning only to return in the evening, wash a load of clothes and hop into bed. Yup I love that my main job is to write, do housework and cook. I love my walks too. I am thinking about getting a Yoga DVD to start back with this habit I did for years. The walk should take care of the heart and Yoga would stretch my body. Again the day fills into more of what I want to do in my older years and I love it. I have walked for years. I get lost in my thoughts. Work out struggles on my walks. Out here I get to look at nature in all its glory. The dogs tagging along add to the fun. As I continue to find my way back to some sort of health my Yoga days come back to me. When the kids were little and I’d try doing Yoga when they were up and around I often found a small body sitting on top of me. The last week or so we’ve been doing the whole route which is to the end of the road and back. It takes about a half hour and I am fairly much beat up when we get back. I am happy though with the increase in time, the hills don’t hurt either. Again I am thrilled to be off the clock so to speak. I can do what I can at the pace that is right at this point in my life. Our chats range from how to decorate the deck to what plans we have for today. I love our time to talk. This is a point where we connect as a couple and I relish it. When we get back Junior goes off to work on some project or other and I tend to go into my own world as well. I write, call people, clean etc. and being able to work at a slower pace feels wonderful. Once or twice a week we head into town for some sort of shopping or doctor appointment or such. It feels real nice to be honest. With the new deck I can sit outside in the shade and soak up the warm weather. I am hoping to learn how to go out after dark more. I still have old hang ups about being out after dark. I am afraid of animals and such. Silly but very real to me and sitting up high should keep the fear at bay. I am learning how to stay outside longer and I bet by the end of summer this little fear will be history. I also love having the cats only out there. We love on each other and I enjoy their quiet ways. When I go for a walk or sit in the yard the dogs want me to play with them and in their own way it is fun. I love having the best of two worlds. As we are talking about how to deal with the old porch which is now enclosed I mention that making an area for our outdoor furniture might be nice and Junior seems to think I have a good idea. That of course makes me feel even more special. Now if I could figure out how to take some pictures I’d be so very happy. I could post them on FB and share the love I have for where I am at. Slowly I learn how to be more technical and I enjoy making this old brain work a bit as well. I don’t know if young people get how hard it is to change our brains at this age but I struggle big time. Once I learn a new thing it is awesome. I am hoping our young minister and his wife will come by and help me get my Bible the whole Bible on my phone and then as an application I can pull up to use as I read along in church. Slowly I learn, I am thankful when young people have patience with me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 19, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Again I gain a bit more energy and I find myself doing more housework…maybe someday the old “Janet” will return. I have my cross stitch near my chair with a pair of magnifying glasses so I can start that as well. Life continues to settle and I am very content with our very slow laid back life. The days of running to get out of the house and out of a fight are long gone. I love alone time in the house as well as Junior goes off to do his thing. Today he is looking to trade the old junk car we have in for a truck…..we will see. With the nicer weather and walks outside I find neighbors are out as well. I stopped by to talk with R for a bit this morning and yup that felt nice. I do like warmer weather. People are once more out and about and frankly I love it. Junior continues to work on cleaning up the yard and get the porch to a stopping point before he comes back in to work on the kitchen. I’d like it if he did the kitchen like yesterday but frankly I am thrilled that the porches will be cleared of stuff and the yard will be cleaned up and that too makes me real happy. I find myself not being irritated with his progress just because I am thrilled with a more picked up yard and porch. Junior definitely has his faults. They can send me to my edge many a day. Again I go to prayer and I find his annoying habits aren’t that annoying. I also know he is the man I am to be with. I love him, our lifestyle beyond measure. Again I mention to him how much I love our boring lifestyle. Junior still has a tendency to over spend money. I am still holding back from a lot of things I want. I don’t want to contribute more to the debt problem than need be. The panic is fairly much gone and for that I am thankful. It has been a consistent conversation with God to help me through this personality defect that my husband has. I am always amazed when God begins to open my eyes to things. First God taught me that Junior has never filed bankruptcy or had any utilities shut off. Next God showed me that Junior usually becomes aware and will work his way out of debt. This part is a slow process but I believe in my heart that we will be there one day. I can say with all honesty that I am as in love and frankly deeper in love than when we first met. I kept waiting for that to happen in my previous marriage….nope I never felt that. Now though I know what people mean when they say that they are more in love than at the beginning. I also marvel at how much more handsome Junior is to me these days. He is a total stud muffin in my book. I love the way he is neat about his appearance. I love the way he is clean about himself and the way he keeps things cleaned around the house. He likes mopping the floors, cleaning the carpet and doing laundry. That helps me a ton as I am not the energetic woman he married. I love that he has given me “grace” as I have fallen apart and as I try to come back. I am grateful that he does not nag me about what I used to be and he even cheers me on as I continue to come back which makes me want to do even more. I can’t but I want to. I also continue to learn that he truly loves me for me. I don’t have to be “beautiful” all the time. I can’t if I tried. So I am getting older, my looks are not what they once were, I still look younger than my 59 years but I am heavier, unable to be as coordinated as I once was and Junior still finds the “older me” beautiful. This man has my heart. He is the first person that I’ve known in a relationship that hasn’t tried to keep me the same, want me prettier than I am able to be. It feels safe, wonderful and again the man has my heart. The more he loves me for the person I am the more I love him for the man he is. There’s that Agape love again. Seeking another’s highest good. The more I seek Junior’s highest good the more he seems to let me be me. My whole goal is to seek Junior’s best. That means sometimes I will say something not popular with him. Not to be mean but to be honest. For me I never want to tell people “no” because in my heart they won’t like me. “No” though at times is the most loving answer and these days I am not afraid of the “no’s” like I was at one time in my life. I have also learned that when I am seeking Junior’s highest good God is making sure I’m taken care as well. As I struggled recently I found my need being cared for without asking. It amazed me when I discovered that my need was met without asking. God knows my needs and often not always but often will take care of my needs without me asking for His help. I still ask God to also teach me to be the parent and grandparent my kids need me to be. Some days I don’t see a lot of forward movement with our relationship still as I hurt because we are not as close as I’d like to be I sense God’s tender love. I am able to get up and do life even if the kids aren’t front and center in my life like I would like them to be. God is always showing me how much I truly have and I find I relish that so much. We have friends, pets, a very comfortable home, a wonderful walk filled with beauty beyond belief and much more. Yup I am ready to continue on with this faith journey even though there are times I don’t fully understand what is going on I know that God wants my best. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am sitting once more. I am aggravated at the sitting but I also accept it knowing as soon as the ear ache goes away with a visit to the Doctor I will once more be about cleaning, writing, Bible study and living life in general. That sustains me when I have these setbacks these days. Underneath it all is my faith. I know that God is for me and not against me. I know that I am a wanted child of God and if no one else in the world wants me I am good with God wants me. Of course I feel Junior is a gift from God. Our friends are a gift from God and as Blanko our cat lays in my lap as I type I even feel love from our pets. I again marvel at our “boring” life. I truly love it. Drama wasn’t all that attractive after a while. Anger was tiring to say the least and now life is full and rich and boring is fine with me. Junior and I are truly meant to be a team and I love it. I have always loved the James Dean kind of guy. The type no one understands and seems like everyone and everything is against. I want to come in to their life and love them and show them that they matter. Dad was this type of guy so I think that is why I am attracted to this personality type. One thing I have learned though is that some people are happy being unaccepted and wont’ work to change their unhappy ways. Junior took all kinds of relationship classes after his divorce. He realized that he had some part in the break-up of his marriage even though his wife left him for another man. He could have been the victim and no one would have blamed him but he also knew that until he figured out why he picked that type of woman he would keep getting into that type of relationship. I too was worried about finding the same type of relationship and did not want to live abuse any longer. I stayed in counseling for several years trying to figure out my need of the James Dean type of guys. To be honest Junior was a James Dean type of guy at one point in his life. He has over-come his past and we are truly a good team. I believe more than anything it is learning how to listen to God and not my own reasoning that has helped me/us move past our dysfunction. I don’t think it is anything either one of us has done on our own. God opens my eyes to Junior often and I see a sensitive area and I learn to react differently toward him. I believe Junior also tries to “hear” God with things in regards to me as well. We truly aren’t doing this marriage on our own. I also believe in order to listen to God that I need to talk to Him daily. I sometimes talk with words and at times I hear God through prayer or through the Bible. I used to pray the ACTSS prayer format each night. Now that I am finally sleeping better I mainly pray through the cross. For me that is where I “met” God. I began to grow as I went through the horror of the cross. I began to see God’s deep love for me/us. During the day I will sit in my chair and pray the rest of the prayer format, most days. I tend to need to keep the cross front and center in my mind and when I do I see God’s love. I marvel when God begins to speak to me. I can’t “hear” words but I know He is speaking to me. Sometimes I see pictures in my mind’s eye. Sometimes I sense strongly that I need to do something and I do. I also read the Bible enough to know if what I am sensing is of God. God won’t have me do things that don’t line up to His Word. People have thought that Junior and I made up the move to VA that it was from God. They can think what they want. For me I know we did what God directed us to do. How do I know? It is the peace I have at where we are at. It is the love I have for where we are living. It is opposite of what I saw me doing as well. Me if I had my way we’d winter in FL and summer in MI….that was how I saw retirement. Junior does not like the heat. I do like it and don’t. I tend to get sick in the heat anymore. That said I’d prefer it to the cold. Anyway God said move and we did. Here in VA is the best of both worlds for both of us. The winters aren’t as cold overall and snow melts fairly much right away. It lines up with Junior’s comfort level and mine. It amazes me. Our country lane is beautiful as I take my daily walks. I generally feel calm and quiet in my spirit as I walk along the road with our dogs tagging along. The people out here have accepted us in such loving ways. Junior tends to be an up-front kind of guy. The people out here tend to “get” Junior and they love him for who he is. In MI people found Junior to be “too much.” The house we are in is perfect even though it is not finished being renovated yet. It will be great as we continue to get older since there is no basement we have our washer and dryer on the same floor a first for the both of us. We have only one small step to get onto the porch so that won’t be a struggle either. Our nearest neighbor is about ¼ of a mile away. Not bad. Junior can get into his lawn art here and people won’t be upset that it doesn’t blend in with the neighborhood. We have a four sided porch that goes around the house and we love it. It is perfect and we would not have chosen anything like this on our own. We prayed when we first came to view the house. We fell in love with the place with the 3 porches, Junior has added a fourth porch. It took us two weeks or so to get a view of the inside of the house and the minute we walked in we knew we wanted to live here. The house had not been lived in for years and prior to that many people rented the place. It was a shambles. We loved it anyway and continue to love it. The peace we have is awesome. I don’t ever want to move again which is new for me. The minute I moved into a home I wanted another, better, prettier house. This time I want to stay and never leave. Again it isn’t me, I believe God knew me/us better and gave us what was just right for us. Are you listening to God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 15, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am moving through the morning and it feels nice. I have read the Bible, talked on the phone to my son and went for a walk….yup life is sweet! Today’s phone call with my son felt like maybe he is moving past anger at what happened when he was growing up…..that was my sense. I hope at some point my kids know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. My growing up my Father beat the crud out of us. My ex beat the crud out of me and my reality to that point is that is what men did when they were provoked. I had never met a man till my 40’s anyway that kept his anger in check so I thought that is what men did. I had a temper as well. I learned early if you are pounded on then look for someone else to pound on. As I met my bully I began to not like being pounded on so I entered into counseling and I learned how to not use my fists all the time. It took me years to retrain myself but these days I don’t have the anger or the need to pound on people like I used to. I am able to walk away from explosive situations. I love it to be honest. Junior and I rarely fight and we have never needed to use fists. We know to walk away till we cool down and then we can discuss a situation and yup it feels good. I love that the last many years we don’t even argue but maybe once a year or so. Junior wants my best. I learned that in counseling many years ago and the more he wants my best I find myself wanting his best. Junior has his strange ways. I have mine but together we make a great team and frankly I love it. Our humor meshes with each other and it feels good. I am not the one that is constantly made fun of. I love it. I am a good side kick because I will be the fall guy if it will mean a laugh or two. Junior though doesn’t need to use me as a fall guy. We can get people giggling at us quickly. I am always in for a giggle or two so I love it. To me if people are laughing then you don’t get slugged. A carry over from days of anger and abuse and many people find Junior and I to be funny people. I like it. With Prozac I find that I am comfortable in my own skin these days. I am who I am and I can’t be anybody but me. I have always wanted to conform, to change to the crowd. I no longer can do this and frankly it feels good. I am also good with the fact that not everyone will get my sense of who I am and frankly as long as God is happy with me that is all that matters these days. I’ve come a long way trying to please everyone. I don’t try to be offensive. I do try to be me. I have thoughts and I don’t strive to have the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else. I am “me.” It is ok. I even like me these days. Junior keeps teaching me that he is comfortable with his unusual ways. Plenty of people really like Junior, a whole lot don’t and he is not concerned as long as God is happy that is all that matters to him. We are comfortable with each other and our strange ways. I want to have a spotless house. Junior hates that much order. I have learned to lesson my standards some. Junior strives to meet me in the middle and frankly I love it. We both tend to do things within the house and the yard. Through the years we have found what we truly enjoy doing and do it. Junior loves doing laundry. I could care less as long and my clothes are clean I’m happy. I do wash the sheets once a week and lately Junior washes them I tend to dry them and put them on the bed so again we enter into housework with a united spirit. I can’t wash dishes by hand much since I have allergy problems so he does them and again it works. I’d rather have a dishwasher but Junior doesn’t want to spend that kind of money so he does the dishes. I haven’t cooked in several months now…..for some reason I am not doing it. I can’t give a logical reason but I am not. Junior cooks sometimes, I eat out a lot and frankly it is working for the time being. I do hope to get back to cooking but for now this is where we are at and “that is ok.” Junior accepts this quirk in me and I am thankful. I love that Junior gives me space to be “me.” I struggle doing what I’ve done for a lifetime. He isn’t mad or upset or anything. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t and Junior accepts this struggle within me. I find myself tolerant of Junior’s to me strange ways. I struggle I have to admit that but I generally will talk to God not complaining but to ask for help in accepting my guy. God has been faithful and helped me move past my moment of frustration. The more Junior accepts me as I am the more I find myself wanting to accept Junior as he is. Neither of us wants to be better than the other. We do want to be each other’s friend and companion. I like that a ton. Sometimes my ways drive him nuts, sometimes his ways drive me nuts but taking our frustration to God often helps us accept the other one and move out of the frustration. We tend to focus more on where God is leading us and do those things and yup it is wonderful! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 12, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Warm weather is finally here. It is April and we’ve had a long winter. I am not a big fan of cold and snow and ice. So I am delighted with the warmer weather. I am walking most days again….I need to walk because I have osteoporosis and I haven’t been able to sleep all the way through the night in a while. The walks are helping me to sleep again and yup I love that too. Junior opened the front door, we have no screen door and frankly I am enjoying the breeze, the smells and the sights. We won’t do that for much longer because the bugs will be out in full force, now though it is nice. I am hoping we put up a screen door because I love looking out, feeling the breeze etc. I have learned how to use my smart phone to take pictures and post them on FB. I am finally able to put more current pictures up of the progress Junior is making on the house. Junior has started in the kitchen only to stop and work outside. As much as I try to be understanding I struggle with his work style. For me I tend to work one project at a time until it is finished. Due to his bad back Junior tends to work on things as his back allows him to which means he can switch jobs several times a day. That said our home is looking more and more like a home. I am helping with the upkeep a bit more than I have in the past….that makes me real happy. I had been thinking about sweeping the floors. I have noticed that Junior tends to like keeping the rugs swept. It dawned on me today….I could keep the wood floors swept. If he enjoys sweeping the rugs well that is ok. Junior and I tend to work like that. We find the things we do and enjoy. I do the sheets for the bed, clean the sink in the bathroom. When we first married Junior told me that he liked to keep the toilet seat up. I felt that is was not worth the fussing so I told him. I didn’t care as long as I did not have to look at yellow stains so Junior keeps the toilet clean and it works! We both tend to help with the food preparation. At times I do most of it and at times he does. Again it works. I’m glad he does not expect me to make him 3 meals a day. I like cooking to a point. I like making something that we will eat for 2 or three days before making something else. Lately for dinner I eat a can of beans of some sort. We eat our big meal at lunch time. Junior’s ribs continue to hurt from his accident. He is moving around better but he is still slow because his ribs hurt. I again am thankful that both guys and the other lady were not hurt real bad. In my heart I am grateful for the prayer asking God to watch after Junior. I believe God allowed the accident but they weren’t hurt bad. There may be a lesson in this somewhere for one of the people that were involved or even each one. Junior went to talk with our Minister the other day about the accident so I believe he is sorting through and trying to learn a lesson if there was one for him. As I have walked deeper with God I find myself looking back at things that have happened. I try to see the lesson in the incident. Many times I find a lesson and I grow in my faith journey. I believe God is talking to us a whole lot. It is learning to still my thoughts and let God open my eyes when I realize many of life’s lessons I’ve been given. Long ago in my first marriage I found myself fainting and vomiting at the altar. As I look back I realize God was trying to get me not to marry this man. After years of arguing and fighting we finally divorced. At that time I did not know how to “hear” God. Today though I tend to step back and examine things and many times I am amazed at the lessons. Junior takes most things to God first. I am learning to do this more but Junior has had his faith walk a lot longer than I have. I watch Junior pray through various things and then I find I learn to pray through more and more of my life’s events as well. From the start Junior was pointing me to a faith journey and how to go about it. At first he kept saying “What does the Bible say.” I got irritated with that comment and began reading the Bible. I was amazed that I was able to understand it. I had thought I was not educated enough to grasp the lessons. I believe in what Junior taught me. I don’t read until I’ve asked God to help me learn the lessons He wants me to learn. It works it really does because I am amazed at how a simple passage can open up for me from year to year. I try to read the Bible day to day throughout the year and I am blessed when I keep up with this habit. I find myself growing, trusting God and loving life. It is amazing to me. I’d like to encourage you to begin a daily time of reading your Bible whether on line or in an actual Bible. Between daily prayer time and reading the Bible I find myself growing and trusting God more and more. I also find life is sweet even when life has turned out differently than my dreams. My dream these days is to seek God and His direction in my life. Yup it works and it is sweet! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 10, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Trusting God, sometimes it is easy and some days it takes a lot of gumption to believe He is working things out for my good. Each time I believe, I wait as things unfold I find God there comforting me, giving me courage when I have none and frankly my walk grows stronger. Junior took J and went out of town to pick some stuff up he ordered off the internet. He took our used UHaul truck so the things would fit. We bought it as we moved south and frankly it has come in handy many times in the last few years. It is expensive to put gas in it but it does come in handy. Junior and J traveled to the other side of the state a good 10 hour drive from our place. The plan was they were to sleep in the truck and get in get the stuff and head back with maybe another night spent in the truck for sleep. I wanted to go until the sleep in the truck thing was mentioned and decided to stay home and sleep in a comfortable bed. They left. I went to bed and the dogs were my comfort as I slept. I woke up to find the neighbor had been to our house pounding on the door and I never heard them. Junior called them when I did not hear the phone ringing. I’ve never been such a sound sleeper until I got older but now I tend to sleep through whatever disaster happens. It is the getting to sleep part I struggle with these days. Junior was making a turn into the sun and another driver was facing him in the opposite direction. The sun was real bad in his eyes. He did not see the other driver and he ran into them. He somehow managed to roll the UHaul. Thank God no one was hurt! I am sure in the next days to come a few aches and pains may come. A trip to the Chiropractor should help with that. We finally connected on the phone. Junior was telling me silly story after silly story. The old Janet would have gotten so angry. The Janet of today knew to ask J to get on the phone and tell me. He did. He told me straight up what happened. I then went back to Junior who was then straight forward with me about the events. I think my guy was scared and being upfront was a struggle until he himself absorbed what happened to him and his friend. Some of the marriage classes came to mind as he was talking. They helped me realize that my guy is a man and thinks differently than a woman. A woman may cry and talk and be annoying to a guy. A guy tends to be strong so the silly stuff was Junior’s attempt at strength when he was real rattled. That is my theory and I may never know for sure. My friend M asked me if when Junior died if I would stay in VA on our last visit. Yup I had been thinking about that possibility. Yup I am staying. I love our house, the woods, the views the peace I feel out here. Moving back with family doesn’t mean they will be there for me in a way that I need their support and out here the people keep showing me that they will be so I will stay. I may change my mind down the road but for now that is where I am at. Everyone was rattled and it appears to be about all. The next several phone calls dealt with him renting a truck, packing the truck and the fact that they were on their way back. I found myself upset praying as I went to sleep the first night that I had not asked for God to watch over them till I went to bed. I did offer up my prayer at that point. After the accident I found myself talking to God. I found God comforting me, keeping me calm as I talked with Junior and helping me to process the whole ordeal. As I found myself going to prayer time and time again I began to think back to the day I did not pray for everything like I try to do now. I remember my stomach being tied up in such knots that I had major pain for a week after the event happened. I remember conjuring up all kinds of scenes and frankly none of them ever came to pass. These days I keep talking to God. My first prayer or two may be real short like “Lord, I can’t think, I can’t talk, help me.” As my peace comes I begin to formulate the words, the fears and tell God what I am struggling with. I find God is always right there helping me cope, to move on to the next step. In a bit I find myself thankful. I did find that all this happened this time as well. I also began to feel thankful as I realized the various things that could have gone wrong and I thank God as well. I realize that God allowed this accident for a reason. Do I know the reason? Nope but in the coming days I am sure I will learn what God wants me to learn. I won’t be angry even if it would have turned out worse I don’t think I’d be angry. I learn God is there walking through the struggle, I believe God even hurts alongside of me. I am truly not alone. For me anyway I have found that there are times I truly would not learn a lesson unless it hurt a lot. As I married my former husband I found myself fainting and vomiting at the altar. These days I think that God was trying to tell me not to marry this man. God allowed the marriage to go on for 24 years. As my ex asked for the divorce I remember praying “Lord please save our marriage.” I found myself divorced but not angry at God. God held me as I moved from being married to being single. It was a hard time for me. As I met Junior and fell in love I found myself amazed. Junior and I are true friends through and through. We understand each other’s humor. We enjoy each other’s company in a way I had never known a man and a woman could. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So I take the bad alongside of the good these days. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 8, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Once more I feel like I’ve overcome another hurdle with my health and feel a forward movement going on and frankly it feels awesome! I had a set back with winter. The good thing is I have learned to stay home more and not go running around very much. The bad thing is I have stayed in-doors way too much and not gone outside. I haven’t gone for many walks because of cold, snow and ice. In not going outside I have not gotten much sun light and for me it appears that I need the sunlight. When I worked I walked in the parking structure most days thus getting out doors all year long. Since moving to Coeburn I find no reason to take a walk so I don’t. I hate cold, snowy walks to be honest so I don’t. We got an exercise machine and frankly looking outside did not help me stay on the machine long enough as well. Junior set it up so I can watch TV now and I am sure I will stay on it longer in the future. We went to MI a few weeks ago and I thought I’d try a child sized floss machine. It knocked my cap loose so I had to see a dentist. This guy is new to me so I was a bit not so sure. I had a bad experience as a young person that I tend to be a bit edgy when I first go to a dentist. Last year my crown fell out and needed to be replaced. The dentist gave me a shot that sent me reeling. I went back to Michigan and this year we have found another dentist. This guy will work with my fearful ways. When they let me be scared I tend to work at being brave. I asked for a blanket and they had one right there for me to use. I tend to feel safe with a blanket so them having one was icing on the cake. Now we begin a new journey in our new home state. M was out for her yearly visit. This was a real good year for the two of us. Last year M was in the hospital for a few days prior to her coming for a visit. When she was here we did some sightseeing and I wound up blacking out and rolling down a hill. I broke vertebrae and was in the hospital for a few days. I had more energy so we ran more. I loved M walking in our door and her comments about all the changes we’ve made in the past year. She is my gage. She helps me to see all the work that has been done. I find myself not being impatient with Junior because of all the work he has done and not get upset because he isn’t getting more done faster. I know he is working the best he can, given his struggles and all. M is the only person who has been out to see us. Sometimes I am sad that no one from our home state seems interested in visiting us in our new state. It is what it is and we love it here. Momma cat had her babies and they are adorable. If anyone would have said I’d own more than two pets I would not have believed them. At present we have 4 dogs, five cats and 3 baby kittens. The children will go to B who wants a house full of cats again. Her cats all disappeared last year. She loves having many cat friends so our children can start her on her journey. Again I find having a faith journey is awesome. I am letting go of the need to be the “lovable” person that everyone wants in their life. I am good with the fact many find me strange. My main feeling is if God loves me….life is great. God has put Junior and I have together and I marvel at the depth of love we have for each other. I marvel at the friends we have here in VA. My friends from MI are a source of comfort and we strive to visit with them when in town. I am sad my kids grew up in dysfunction. I accept that I gave them the best I had and have decided to move on. If they don’t think I gave them my best well, then I can’t change their thinking. At the dentist today I had the office laughing at my antics. I find great joy in making people laugh. At the stores I tend to get silly and when I get giggles I feel like I’ve made people happy. I am not good at fixing things, helping out on lots of activities but I find if I can pray or make someone laugh I feel special. The laughs help me like me. The laughs make me feel like I matter. As I learn to accept “me” as I am, I find I like me. I find that life is sweet and frankly as long as I feel God’s love I find life is sweet. I also begin to notice that God places me in many loving and caring relationships and again I marvel. I can grieve the dysfunction I grew up in, my children grew up in or I can move on with my life. I have chosen to move on, to learn how to give God all I am. God is my strength my life and my all. The more I give my life to God the more peace I have. Yup life is sweet even if it did not turn out like the picture I made up in my mind. As Junior and I were traveling to the Dentist I again felt his deep love of me…yup life is definitely sweet and VA is beautiful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 5, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is mammogram day. This is a day that I hold my breath, go get the mammogram and find that I will be around for another year or more. I have had breast cancer and frankly I find the mammogram a moment to stop and ponder. The longer I go without a repeat of cancer, the safer I feel. My cancer was never real bad but to tell you the truth I still have those moments of hold my breath. When it is over with I am able to let go and forget about the possibility of dealing with more cancer treatments. Still the initial yearly mammogram can make me hold my breath. My cancer was never very serious to begin with so I ponder why I continue to stop and feel a bit of fear. I knew from the start that I would not die of this cancer. My cancer was so small that all I needed was some radiation. Still as I went through cancer I had met people to have breast cancer, beat it only to find a more severe form of cancer a few months later. For me though, I had cancer and life has moved along without a lot of drama. I have had a few tests that sent me for extra tests and then in the end, it was nothing. Yup, those tests can be a bit trying though. It has been 8 ½ years since I was diagnosed with cancer so each year tends to point to the fact I will be around for a good long time yet. My friend M’s mother had cancer back in the 60’s and she just died a few months ago. As I went through breast cancer I kept meeting women who had survived cancer and was many years removed from the horrid struggle. That began to give me hope and I cling to that hope even now. I mostly don’t think about breast cancer until it is time for my yearly mammogram. I feel that in itself is a miracle. I usually don’t have thoughts until the day of the mammogram which I think is not bad and for some reason though on that day I have that sit on edge of the chair feeling. My cancer was found before I felt a lump. It was so small really. Still now with the routine mammogram I do have a moment of anxiety. I accept this and attempt to deal with my fearful moment. I don’t sit and mention to Junior all morning about my anxiety. This year Junior has some running at that end of town to do so he will go with me. Secretly I am happy he will be in the car. If something isn’t right I will be able to talk with Junior and feel his quiet presence. He will be strong for me and then I will respond with faith. Junior is good at not letting getting all worked up about fearful moments. He gives me strength because of his ability to stay calm. I think he goes to God and God gives him the strength he needs. I learn to take my fear to God as well and soon the whole ordeal is over with. We go another year before this fear tries to over-take me. Again I see F, M’s mother. She lived 50 years after she had breast cancer. She had treatments when they were real rough still. She wound up putting on weight and stuttering after her treatments, that is how hard they were back then. Again she lived a good 50 years and I find that to be a comfort. It does not mean that my life is over with right now. I feel young enough to live a fuller life. As I learn to deal with an older body I also find that God is still using me. I am not the go to a mission trip girl I once was. I am not the volunteer I have been in the past but God continues to show me that He has work for me to do. I believe I am a prayer warrior, I help with the bulletins on Fridays and I continue to learn how to be a wife, a friend, a parent and grandparent. God has me reaching out to others in the community as well. Yup life is still full and that is comforting to me. We have a herd of dogs and cats living with us. For some reason I even find caring for them to be a wonderful job for the Lord. I am Junior’s wife and frankly I love looking after him in my own special way. He seems to enjoy me looking after him as well. Sometimes I want to feel like I am useless and then God seems to show me that He has work for me to do and that I am a worthwhile woman to Him. Life has not gone the way I had imagined it would. In the Lord though I find my value and worth and when I am able to allow God to lead me, I find life to be sweet. Many times the world tends to point out my lack of abilities. I did not raise my kids exactly right. I should have left long before I did. I never had the dream career. God though tends to say, that I am right where He wants me to be and I am what He wants me to be. When I allow God to set my standard I feel secure in the woman I am. Junior likes the wife I am to him and that feels real nice. Nope I may not have handled raising my children exactly right and yet I find comfort in the fact that I did the best I could with the information I had. Abuse had been in the family line for 4 generations by the time my kids came along. I find comfort that my kids have not abused their spouses or children. I believe in my heart that the line of abuse is out of the family line due to my struggle to end it. It is more God but I was willing to try to live differently by not abusing my kids. I feel God was directing my life and in that I was able to approach child rearing without being overly abusive. Did I ever strike my kids when I should not have? Probably a couple of times but over all I did not resort to abuse like I experienced or Dad experienced. Instead of looking to my kids or husband for my value these days I tend to look to God. God tends to show me that He has a plan for my life and He will use me and in that I feel wanted, useful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 5, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is mammogram day. This is a day that I hold my breath, go get the mammogram and find that I will be around for another year or more. I have had breast cancer and frankly I find the mammogram a moment to stop and ponder. The longer I go without a repeat of cancer, the safer I feel. My cancer was never real bad but to tell you the truth I still have those moments of hold my breath. When it is over with I am able to let go and forget about the possibility of dealing with more cancer treatments. Still the initial yearly mammogram can make me hold my breath. My cancer was never very serious to begin with so I ponder why I continue to stop and feel a bit of fear. I knew from the start that I would not die of this cancer. My cancer was so small that all I needed was some radiation. Still as I went through cancer I had met people to have breast cancer, beat it only to find a more severe form of cancer a few months later. For me though, I had cancer and life has moved along without a lot of drama. I have had a few tests that sent me for extra tests and then in the end, it was nothing. Yup, those tests can be a bit trying though. It has been 8 ½ years since I was diagnosed with cancer so each year tends to point to the fact I will be around for a good long time yet. My friend M’s mother had cancer back in the 60’s and she just died a few months ago. As I went through breast cancer I kept meeting women who had survived cancer and was many years removed from the horrid struggle. That began to give me hope and I cling to that hope even now. I mostly don’t think about breast cancer until it is time for my yearly mammogram. I feel that in itself is a miracle. I usually don’t have thoughts until the day of the mammogram which I think is not bad and for some reason though on that day I have that sit on edge of the chair feeling. My cancer was found before I felt a lump. It was so small really. Still now with the routine mammogram I do have a moment of anxiety. I accept this and attempt to deal with my fearful moment. I don’t sit and mention to Junior all morning about my anxiety. This year Junior has some running at that end of town to do so he will go with me. Secretly I am happy he will be in the car. If something isn’t right I will be able to talk with Junior and feel his quiet presence. He will be strong for me and then I will respond with faith. Junior is good at not letting getting all worked up about fearful moments. He gives me strength because of his ability to stay calm. I think he goes to God and God gives him the strength he needs. I learn to take my fear to God as well and soon the whole ordeal is over with. We go another year before this fear tries to over-take me. Again I see F, M’s mother. She lived 50 years after she had breast cancer. She had treatments when they were real rough still. She wound up putting on weight and stuttering after her treatments, that is how hard they were back then. Again she lived a good 50 years and I find that to be a comfort. It does not mean that my life is over with right now. I feel young enough to live a fuller life. As I learn to deal with an older body I also find that God is still using me. I am not the go to a mission trip girl I once was. I am not the volunteer I have been in the past but God continues to show me that He has work for me to do. I believe I am a prayer warrior, I help with the bulletins on Fridays and I continue to learn how to be a wife, a friend, a parent and grandparent. God has me reaching out to others in the community as well. Yup life is still full and that is comforting to me. We have a herd of dogs and cats living with us. For some reason I even find caring for them to be a wonderful job for the Lord. I am Junior’s wife and frankly I love looking after him in my own special way. He seems to enjoy me looking after him as well. Sometimes I want to feel like I am useless and then God seems to show me that He has work for me to do and that I am a worthwhile woman to Him. Life has not gone the way I had imagined it would. In the Lord though I find my value and worth and when I am able to allow God to lead me, I find life to be sweet. Many times the world tends to point out my lack of abilities. I did not raise my kids exactly right. I should have left long before I did. I never had the dream career. God though tends to say, that I am right where He wants me to be and I am what He wants me to be. When I allow God to set my standard I feel secure in the woman I am. Junior likes the wife I am to him and that feels real nice. Nope I may not have handled raising my children exactly right and yet I find comfort in the fact that I did the best I could with the information I had. Abuse had been in the family line for 4 generations by the time my kids came along. I find comfort that my kids have not abused their spouses or children. I believe in my heart that the line of abuse is out of the family line due to my struggle to end it. It is more God but I was willing to try to live differently by not abusing my kids. I feel God was directing my life and in that I was able to approach child rearing without being overly abusive. Did I ever strike my kids when I should not have? Probably a couple of times but over all I did not resort to abuse like I experienced or Dad experienced. Instead of looking to my kids or husband for my value these days I tend to look to God. God tends to show me that He has a plan for my life and He will use me and in that I feel wanted, useful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior went off to the air force base here in MI and M is in her room taking a prayer break and me, I am on the computer playing with the internet and my new phone. I have seen M for the first time more than a few minutes since her accident and I am surprised at how busted up she is. She has been telling me and now I see it and it is hard to watch. My neck is trying to scream at me and I am working through the discomfort….part of old age the aches and pains we struggle through. Later we will go find some lunch out. I am thinking Olga’s would be fun. Part of my week back is eating my way through the various foods I used to enjoy. I have had my chili cheese fries, spinach pie and now I am moving onto Olga’s and the like. It is a fun way for me to enter into my time back home, remembering the variety of foods we had available to us on a daily basis and now we don’t have it I find a strong desire to remember through eating my way through the week. Junior and I spent several hours at a Verizon store yesterday. I dropped my phone in my cup of coffee at home and I need a new one. I have it now and am learning to use a more advanced phone. It is a challenge I am not up to date with the newest of fads. It is what it is. I find it strange out in VA when we eat breakfast out we are not given a choice of toast. They serve white bread and that is it. Strange to me but normal out here and I am learning to deal with it. It is what they do and I don’t eat white bread and well. It is what it is. For me the eating when I get back to MI brings back familiar comforting times. So I eat my way through the week remembering and holding onto the memory for the next few months till we come back again. Through the years I had gotten into a habit of meeting a girlfriend for dinner out so we could connect with each other and well it is a pleasant memory to me, the eating out at old familiar restaurants recalling special times with special friends. My activity level has increased with the running around this week and strangely I am sleeping through the night with no wake up for an hour moment. That is awesome and I plan to keep a more active pace when I return home. I am planning on walking outside again since the weather is starting to stay warmer. I love to walk and my walks out here give me so much enjoyment. I see forests, farms, animals and my dogs tag along with me on my walks. By next winter I hope to turn the ellipse around have a mirror in front of the TV and then I will occupy my brain with TV while I walk and I believe I will walk longer. I think I am excited about the smart phone because when I am out and find myself getting bored, I will have the internet available to cruise through and I won’t bother that special guy I am married to. MB will be heading back to VA for a week with us. I look forward to her yearly visit with us. We will do our girl thing and then in a week we will take her home again. This year we are thinking of stopping in Frankenmuth for the day before heading back. It is where we honeymooned and to us it will be fun reliving a time in the past and enjoying the quaint German town. With this trip we will not return for a year. Up until now we have been coming back to the dentist 3 times a year. We have decided that the 3 trips were a bit much and it is time to pare ourselves down. Part of me is hoping that we can take other trips and if not I am good with staying home more. I have learned to be quiet and enjoy staying around the house more. It is refreshing to me these days to not be on the constant go. It would have been hard for the younger “me” but the older Janet is enjoying moving at a much slower pace these days. M and I are older. It feels strange and wonderful at the same time. We’ve been friends for most of our lives and frankly she knows me from back in the day. We often pick up like we’ve not been apart and again it feels nice. We sometimes recall days gone by when we did silly things and we laugh at the younger people we once were. We share our children’s ups and downs. She is a comfort. I was married 24 years the first time and that was a huge struggle as I left that marriage. He had known me for so long, good or bad we had history and it hurt. With M, I find that she knows those old moments to some extent and frankly it feels nice. In the last 15 years Junior and I have made some wonderful friends. Still M knows me from back as children and frankly it is nice sharing moments with her. I enjoy the new life I have with Junior. I no longer live in constant fear of getting hit. He is patient with me when I can’t learn real well. He is kind to me when I am struggling with physical problems and we work through them as a team. We are a team and frankly that is about as awesome as it gets for me. We also have those annoying personality defects but for some reason that is ok. We accept the good the bad and the ugly from each other. Life is sweet and I have a best friend to share life with. I also have a girlfriend who has stuck by me and yup that is wonderful too. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 1, 2013 Greetings My Friend, A while ago God asked for more of “me.” I remember balking and holding back and telling God that I had given Him all I could. I was floored by my response. I know I’d rather be all in God than without God. So why was I questioning his request? It is hard to say why? I was talking to my mentor this morning and as usual she opened my eyes a bit more to my faith journey. She helps me do this often. Today she told me I need to find a prayer closet space. Now we don’t have closets in this house so I need to find a spot where I go to be closer to God. I pray in bed as I fall asleep and I often pray in my comfy chair but B told me to find a different spot. So I am on a new journey in my prayer life. As we retired and moved Junior and I have gotten away from a daily prayer time together. I still pray for our marriage and I believe Junior prays for our marriage, we aren’t praying together at the same time. He is up for many hours before I am and we are in different parts of our day as we go through the day. It has been a struggle to find that right time to come together. B suggested that as we eat that we open our Bible and read some of the passages regarding marriage, like 1 Corinthians 13. I am intrigued and I see us starting this process real soon. B senses that Junior and I are being called to do something in the Lord. So I will ask Junior to join me in this new phase of our faith journey. I will also find a spot to be alone with God and it will be my special spot for discussions with the Lord. In the past year I have learned to pray during the day. In the past I mainly prayed at night and as I woke up throughout the night. Now that my sleeping has been regulated better I find that I also can pray during the day. I am still using the ACTSS prayer format for the most part. It helps me to begin a conversation. With this format I have also learned to confess, to praise God, to be thankful and name what I am thankful for and then ask God to touch people and I name them starting with my kids and grandchildren. I love giving time to others mainly in a church setting. It is for God or at least I think it is. Lately each time I have tried to help out at the thrift store that supports the abused in our area I find I can’t do the work. I am too tired and unable to make a commitment. I am able to give an hour or so on Fridays to the church preparing the bulletins and pews for Sunday service but the thrift store I find I can’t. I do love being out and about with people. So it grieves me to no end that I can’t volunteer more than I am. Part of my recent past is learning how to sit and be quiet more. I am a hyper woman by nature and this body can’t do the stuff it used to do. It has grieved me a whole bunch. Part of my stillness is to write for the Lord, my blog. I am learning to sit and write sharing my faith journey with others in the hopes that others will meet Jesus or know Him deeper. In the sitting still more I am drawing closer to God as well. I am learning to depend on God for every aspect of my life. So when God asked for more of me and I found myself struggling to let go of more of me I was surprised. I’ve been in prayer asking God to help me. Today my friend took me a little farther and I am sure I will grow even more in the coming days, weeks and years. My friend thinks that God may be calling Junior and me into a ministry together…my thought at present is for marriage. I am not fully sure but it is something we have done in the past. We helped put on workshops for the remarried. We gave a talk or two through the years as well. Maybe out here we are being called to something on this order. I am not sure right now. As the house is more settled with regards to the renovating aspect Junior has found he wants to go to college. He wants to keep his mind active and he feels taking a class will help with that. As I discover my ability with all of the struggles within my body I am finding my niche as well. We as a couple have befriended another B out here. We love her; ask her to watch our fury children and our friendship has grown a bunch. She is in financial need due to living on disability and raising a child who is now grown. I am intrigued. I am excited that we may be entering a new phase in our faith journey with the Lord. So I will ask Junior to join me in a daily time of being together in the Lord. I am sure Junior will not object. We just need to find that special time. I think we will find it as well. I would like to ask you for prayer as we begin this new journey. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet