June 5, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today is mammogram day. This is a day that I hold my breath, go get the mammogram and find that I will be around for another year or more. I have had breast cancer and frankly I find the mammogram a moment to stop and ponder. The longer I go without a repeat of cancer, the safer I feel. My cancer was never real bad but to tell you the truth I still have those moments of hold my breath. When it is over with I am able to let go and forget about the possibility of dealing with more cancer treatments. Still the initial yearly mammogram can make me hold my breath. My cancer was never very serious to begin with so I ponder why I continue to stop and feel a bit of fear. I knew from the start that I would not die of this cancer. My cancer was so small that all I needed was some radiation. Still as I went through cancer I had met people to have breast cancer, beat it only to find a more severe form of cancer a few months later. For me though, I had cancer and life has moved along without a lot of drama. I have had a few tests that sent me for extra tests and then in the end, it was nothing. Yup, those tests can be a bit trying though. It has been 8 ½ years since I was diagnosed with cancer so each year tends to point to the fact I will be around for a good long time yet. My friend M’s mother had cancer back in the 60’s and she just died a few months ago. As I went through breast cancer I kept meeting women who had survived cancer and was many years removed from the horrid struggle. That began to give me hope and I cling to that hope even now. I mostly don’t think about breast cancer until it is time for my yearly mammogram. I feel that in itself is a miracle. I usually don’t have thoughts until the day of the mammogram which I think is not bad and for some reason though on that day I have that sit on edge of the chair feeling. My cancer was found before I felt a lump. It was so small really. Still now with the routine mammogram I do have a moment of anxiety. I accept this and attempt to deal with my fearful moment. I don’t sit and mention to Junior all morning about my anxiety. This year Junior has some running at that end of town to do so he will go with me. Secretly I am happy he will be in the car. If something isn’t right I will be able to talk with Junior and feel his quiet presence. He will be strong for me and then I will respond with faith. Junior is good at not letting getting all worked up about fearful moments. He gives me strength because of his ability to stay calm. I think he goes to God and God gives him the strength he needs. I learn to take my fear to God as well and soon the whole ordeal is over with. We go another year before this fear tries to over-take me. Again I see F, M’s mother. She lived 50 years after she had breast cancer. She had treatments when they were real rough still. She wound up putting on weight and stuttering after her treatments, that is how hard they were back then. Again she lived a good 50 years and I find that to be a comfort. It does not mean that my life is over with right now. I feel young enough to live a fuller life. As I learn to deal with an older body I also find that God is still using me. I am not the go to a mission trip girl I once was. I am not the volunteer I have been in the past but God continues to show me that He has work for me to do. I believe I am a prayer warrior, I help with the bulletins on Fridays and I continue to learn how to be a wife, a friend, a parent and grandparent. God has me reaching out to others in the community as well. Yup life is still full and that is comforting to me. We have a herd of dogs and cats living with us. For some reason I even find caring for them to be a wonderful job for the Lord. I am Junior’s wife and frankly I love looking after him in my own special way. He seems to enjoy me looking after him as well. Sometimes I want to feel like I am useless and then God seems to show me that He has work for me to do and that I am a worthwhile woman to Him. Life has not gone the way I had imagined it would. In the Lord though I find my value and worth and when I am able to allow God to lead me, I find life to be sweet. Many times the world tends to point out my lack of abilities. I did not raise my kids exactly right. I should have left long before I did. I never had the dream career. God though tends to say, that I am right where He wants me to be and I am what He wants me to be. When I allow God to set my standard I feel secure in the woman I am. Junior likes the wife I am to him and that feels real nice. Nope I may not have handled raising my children exactly right and yet I find comfort in the fact that I did the best I could with the information I had. Abuse had been in the family line for 4 generations by the time my kids came along. I find comfort that my kids have not abused their spouses or children. I believe in my heart that the line of abuse is out of the family line due to my struggle to end it. It is more God but I was willing to try to live differently by not abusing my kids. I feel God was directing my life and in that I was able to approach child rearing without being overly abusive. Did I ever strike my kids when I should not have? Probably a couple of times but over all I did not resort to abuse like I experienced or Dad experienced. Instead of looking to my kids or husband for my value these days I tend to look to God. God tends to show me that He has a plan for my life and He will use me and in that I feel wanted, useful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet