June 19, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Again I gain a bit more energy and I find myself doing more housework…maybe someday the old “Janet” will return. I have my cross stitch near my chair with a pair of magnifying glasses so I can start that as well. Life continues to settle and I am very content with our very slow laid back life. The days of running to get out of the house and out of a fight are long gone. I love alone time in the house as well as Junior goes off to do his thing. Today he is looking to trade the old junk car we have in for a truck…..we will see. With the nicer weather and walks outside I find neighbors are out as well. I stopped by to talk with R for a bit this morning and yup that felt nice. I do like warmer weather. People are once more out and about and frankly I love it. Junior continues to work on cleaning up the yard and get the porch to a stopping point before he comes back in to work on the kitchen. I’d like it if he did the kitchen like yesterday but frankly I am thrilled that the porches will be cleared of stuff and the yard will be cleaned up and that too makes me real happy. I find myself not being irritated with his progress just because I am thrilled with a more picked up yard and porch. Junior definitely has his faults. They can send me to my edge many a day. Again I go to prayer and I find his annoying habits aren’t that annoying. I also know he is the man I am to be with. I love him, our lifestyle beyond measure. Again I mention to him how much I love our boring lifestyle. Junior still has a tendency to over spend money. I am still holding back from a lot of things I want. I don’t want to contribute more to the debt problem than need be. The panic is fairly much gone and for that I am thankful. It has been a consistent conversation with God to help me through this personality defect that my husband has. I am always amazed when God begins to open my eyes to things. First God taught me that Junior has never filed bankruptcy or had any utilities shut off. Next God showed me that Junior usually becomes aware and will work his way out of debt. This part is a slow process but I believe in my heart that we will be there one day. I can say with all honesty that I am as in love and frankly deeper in love than when we first met. I kept waiting for that to happen in my previous marriage….nope I never felt that. Now though I know what people mean when they say that they are more in love than at the beginning. I also marvel at how much more handsome Junior is to me these days. He is a total stud muffin in my book. I love the way he is neat about his appearance. I love the way he is clean about himself and the way he keeps things cleaned around the house. He likes mopping the floors, cleaning the carpet and doing laundry. That helps me a ton as I am not the energetic woman he married. I love that he has given me “grace” as I have fallen apart and as I try to come back. I am grateful that he does not nag me about what I used to be and he even cheers me on as I continue to come back which makes me want to do even more. I can’t but I want to. I also continue to learn that he truly loves me for me. I don’t have to be “beautiful” all the time. I can’t if I tried. So I am getting older, my looks are not what they once were, I still look younger than my 59 years but I am heavier, unable to be as coordinated as I once was and Junior still finds the “older me” beautiful. This man has my heart. He is the first person that I’ve known in a relationship that hasn’t tried to keep me the same, want me prettier than I am able to be. It feels safe, wonderful and again the man has my heart. The more he loves me for the person I am the more I love him for the man he is. There’s that Agape love again. Seeking another’s highest good. The more I seek Junior’s highest good the more he seems to let me be me. My whole goal is to seek Junior’s best. That means sometimes I will say something not popular with him. Not to be mean but to be honest. For me I never want to tell people “no” because in my heart they won’t like me. “No” though at times is the most loving answer and these days I am not afraid of the “no’s” like I was at one time in my life. I have also learned that when I am seeking Junior’s highest good God is making sure I’m taken care as well. As I struggled recently I found my need being cared for without asking. It amazed me when I discovered that my need was met without asking. God knows my needs and often not always but often will take care of my needs without me asking for His help. I still ask God to also teach me to be the parent and grandparent my kids need me to be. Some days I don’t see a lot of forward movement with our relationship still as I hurt because we are not as close as I’d like to be I sense God’s tender love. I am able to get up and do life even if the kids aren’t front and center in my life like I would like them to be. God is always showing me how much I truly have and I find I relish that so much. We have friends, pets, a very comfortable home, a wonderful walk filled with beauty beyond belief and much more. Yup I am ready to continue on with this faith journey even though there are times I don’t fully understand what is going on I know that God wants my best. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet