April 30 2016

Greetings My Friend, The old curb find has been pulled out to the front porch. It is waiting to be given a face lift and to be used once more. A coat of white paint has been put on most of the wardrobe and as the last of the paint is applied I have come up with a few ideas as to how to put those special finishes on it. I have several pieces of wallpaper and a piece of wallboard that have been used in this house over the years and I want to work them into the design. The pieces are small but I have several so I want to arrange what I do have and that is where I stop and start as I think this through. When I come in from being outside I feel the familiar tug on my lungs and I realize that the pollen may be the culprit. I am in the midst of another project and I love it. Recently I have started making no knead bread. I have switched my decopauge crafting from the TV room to the kitchen. I have more room to spread out and I am enjoying this too. My energy level is decent again. I am able to work for a little longer periods of time and I am thrilled. I am being productive which moves me. As I enjoy the renewed energy again I get a phone call telling me that my bone density test came back that I still have oseoprosis. I asked if the hip and lower back pain might be associated with this and I am told it very well could be. "Oh great" I think "one more problem to sort through." I decide that I am not going to let this get me down. I am doing what I can and that is all that I can do. God has held my hand recently as I struggled with the need to use the wheelchair. I had gotten myself worked up about being in a wheelchair and in the end it was not as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. It is what I will have to deal with I can accept it and move forward or worry and fret. I have slowed way down with my walking inside our home. I know not to climb any ladders because I may fall. I am doing all I can to not fall. Through a lot of hard work I have learned and now understand more of my asthma triggers and I am doing better. God has guided me here as well. I will seek God's advice in regards to strengthening my bones more and ways to deal with potential falls. I move through these thoughts a little discouraged when I remember my project to work on. God has laid it on my heart to work on these projects and I am thankful for work to do. Work defines me and these days being creative is a new adventure for me. I always felt my creativeness was writing only. I wanted to be seen as a good mother in my younger years. I identified with this role more than my career at the bank. I liked my work but raising my children met much more to me. When Junior came along I found a career was okay but I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a grandmother. Today creating is speaking to me. Some part of me thinks that God has laid this on my heart so that I have something to fill my mind with as the seriousness of my health declines and over whelms me. I believe that dealing with the various issues with chronic illness and invisible illness is a way to help others understand their disease along with helping those that don't understand the depth of our limitations. Someone in a wheelchair makes more impact than a person struggling to breathe, to walk and with pain that can not be seen. Both the visible and invisible disabilities are handicaps and need to be understood. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 28 2016

April 28 2016 Greetings My Friend My question to God these days is "How do I walk in the spirit when I am hurting with back pain, seeing my walking decline and needing help to get around like Junior pushing me in the wheelchair. For some time now God has been pointing me to the heart, mostly learning to see other peoples heart not their outward actions. Today was no exception as I walked with God reading His Word. I am taught ""From now on, therefore, we regard no according to the flesh,... Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." For years I would read that I am a new creation in Christ and to be honest I was not sure how, I believed but I did not feel new especially as I struggled with life issues. When I went to my journal afterwards I was led to Galatians 5:22 and this passage opened the eyes of my heart to the new creation in Christ. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law." At this point I saw the "new creation" I am becoming. I am much more patient with myself, with others and even in a round about way with God. The same goes with the rest of the list I am not what I was when I started this journey in earnest. Since I live in a declining world and body I have my moments still. It is hard letting go of abilities I have had for over a lifetime such as walking, having a sense of energy and the "unknown" of what will come next. Little is known about these disorders, I have not had a neurosurgeon who understands my disorder so the uncertainty plagues me. I want to face this unknown issue and fight much the same as I did with breast cancer. It was a fairly straight forward disease, the doctors told me what to expect and the procedures I would be undergoing. Once I understood I felt able to pray and I knew I was going to be okay. Even though I knew my cancer would not kill me I had my moments. Some good friends who had survived their cancer found out a year or so latter that they had cancer once more and I struggled with this potential. One day it came to me that either way I win. I would recover and live life again or I would die and be with Jesus. Once I came to peace with death I settled down. I want to enter into that fight with my disorder except I don't know a lot. This area of lack tugs at me all the time and I keep going back to God when my anxiety gets the best of me. The more I read I see that anxiety is part of the disease, oh joy. The good news is I need to keep talking to God to stay calm and with my PCP's caring concern we are doing a lot of trial and error. So how does the Fruit of Spirit work in all of this? God points me to areas He has work for me to do. A couple within our community has entered into mine and Junior's life. The gentleman is recovering from addiction, he is on his faith journey with Jesus. His girlfriend also is recovering from abuse, addiction. I have an opportunity to reach out in love, joy, peace, patience..... I understand her reluctance to do certain things. She visits me while Junior and her boyfriend are doing something around the house or he is finding a way to earn some extra money. We are involved and the more I am involved the less I have time to dwell on what is going on in my body. When I slow down and have quiet time I begin to see God is moving in my struggle. He lines me up with another ataxia patient,my hygentist sp. has this disorder, she has a neurosurgeon in our area and I now have an appointment in June. In the meantime my PCP lines up some tests so that when I do go he will have something to look at right off. More than likely I will need further tests, hopefully the further tests will lead to more information. At times I want answers now and I learn "not my time but God's time." I am learning patience on another level. As scary as all of this is I know I can trust God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 26 2016

Greetings My Friend Each time I "hear" the heart message this year I grasp its significance more when I am in God's Word. The same goes with "God is spirit." I have read these things for a long time and I understood on a basic level the meaning but this year that meaning is sinking deeper into my mind. God is spirit and Jesus teaches us that "He must leave so He can send the helper, the Holy Spirit." The Holy Spirit connects with our spirit and at this level we begin to learn and grow spiritually. I have been growing for some time now without truly grasping what has been going on within me. Sometimes I was hit or miss with what I perceived God was telling me. The longer I walk with Jesus I find a confidence building within me. I learn that I will not be abandoned on this journey, I will be tested with many trials and then I will find the strength I need to endure as I lift my eyes to Jesus. I am learning that "...we look not to the things that are seen but the things that are unseen, but the things that are unseen are eternal." Along with this new way of "seeing" I am learning to see the intentions of others hearts too. Years ago I bought into the idea we were all basically good, we needed to be understood. My favorite person to base my thinking on was James Dean, he was perceived as a bad guy with a good heart. I admit I seem to be attracted to this kind of man for some reason and these men seem to find me. Even Junior in his day was like these type of men, the difference though is when he gave his heart to Jesus a change started taking place in him. I like to tell people the difference with the type of men who walk on the "other side of life" is Junior was through with all his wordly ways when I met him. He no longer drank, gambled or womanized. In fact when we married we pledged to each other to be faithful to God first and then to each other and to not invite ourselves into a position of cheating. We strive to not to be alone with the member of the opposite sex. It may seem silly but to us it is important. If we are we tell each other so the secretiveness won't take over. Junior feels safe and I feel safe. He asked me if I was committed to being married for the rest of our lives. This too has been a huge comfort to me even though when he asked me I felt "of course." I had also thought "I have been divorced and lived through it if I had to I could do it again." The fact is the first marriage breaking up tore me apart and I don't ever want to feel this way again so I keep trying. With this marriage the trying is not as hard. I respect Junior and he loves me in a respectful way. I did not know what respect looked like until I met it and even now what I consider respect is not the same as what Junior thinks respect is. I learned from a seminar called "Love and Respect," that women want love and we all know this but what I learned is men feel love by being respected. The passage reads something like this "Men love your wives....wives respect your husbands." This seminar brought home the fact men and women hear differently by using the example "men have blue hearing aids and women have pink hearing aids." This seminar was hosted by our church so the speakers referred to Scripture passages and these passages have stayed in our hearts as we live side by side. I understand now that even though when I heard this message I was not fully in tuned to the Holy Spirit, I was learning and growing in the Holy Spirit. I also believe I am still not fully in tune with the Holy Spirit's prompting on my heart but I know He is there and I will learn as I need to learn. I am comforted again. God teaches me "I will not leave you or forsake you." Even if I don't fully "get it" I trust by faith.

April 23, 2916

Greetings My Friend, So this is what chronic pain feels like. For a week or so the pain was edgy but doable. Last night and this morning if I were to rate the pain, I would give it an 8. My minds searches for something to tame inflamation and I remember my ginseng tea is one. I need to make some like Now! I wrap my hip and lower back in a heated blanket and out of the blue I do some leg stretches spinal twists and the pain level goes down a notch. I rub some blue goo on and slowly the pain level goes lower to a manageable level. I am trying to stay away from pain medication and so far I have not resorted to not using any. Weight is another struggle I am working on. Since starting this new medication I am gaining weight. I keep telling myself I will become active enough to help slow the weight gain down and maybe even loose weight. I realize my activity level is not where I was a year ago and I need to find a way to exercise besides cleaning the house. I don't walk the stores anymore either. Junior got me an exercise bike that has multiple functions so I can use the one that works for me on a given day. First he needs to clear out the spare bedroom and set it up as a gym and a bed for the occasional guest we have. We have a fold down couch which we can use and have room for some exercise equipment. My guess that stretching and loosing some weight will help with the pain factor. Now that I have the pain under control I am off to the kitchen. I am loving having a kitchen finally. There are many things that needs to be done but for me the kitchen is now workable. Over the weekend I made no knead bread for the first time and from scratch muffins. The next day I decopauged Junior's Bible box at the table and today I am making lemon ginger ice tea, no bake peanut butter cookies, peanut butter dip and maybe home made bread again. I don't know if I can do all of this but I am going to try. I sit a lot while I make these things. I get all the ingredients together and then sit while I mix them and prepare them. It is hard learning to sit so much but if I do I am able to last longer. I know I will take some time outs even a nap or 2. That is what is nice about retirement, I have all day to get what I want to done. I stop a few minutes to look out the kitchen window. This part of the house sets up high, I can see many of the tree tops and some of the leaves are budding a few have tiny leaves blowing in the wind. I still can see a section of the road and the occasional car drive down it. The white clouds look like fluffy clouds of cotton and the sky is a powder blue. I am thankful for the quiet of our country home, it is peaceful. These scenes calm a lot of anxiety that tries to over take me. I thank God again for the conviction to pick up and move out here. In the midst of turmoil with declining limitations I have a picture perfect place to let go and let God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 21 2016

Greetings My Friend I am amazed with the lessons I learn as I read the Bible each day. Isaiah's passage "Tell the righteous that is shall be well with them for they shall eat the fruit of their deeds. Woe to the wicked! It shall be ill with them, for what his hands have dealt out shall be done to them." Next I wen to 2 Corinthians to hear Paul teach and prayer was talked about. "Indeed we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.... You must help us by prayer so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessings granted to us through the prayers of many."I learn that if my heart desires the things God desires I will seek to do good. Good is defined by God's goodness, help the lost, lonely, hurting of this world with a heart that seeks God. In recent years Junior and I have attempted to reach out to some financially poor people. Along with being poor some are also lost and lonely. We have offered rides, things of our abundance, food, clothing and even furniture. Some of those who are hurting are truly not looking to move out of their struggles. They think they are but when guided they find a reason why it won't work and stay with the comfortable. Some take and take and take some more and they too do not work to move themselves out of their situation. At some point we walk away. Then there are the ones who take what we have to offer and slowly begin to move themselves from the situation they are in to a better place.That feels real nice. To me that is reaping what we so. There is much enjoyment in that reaching back to give a helping hand. Next I see Paul teaching us as believers first that hardships will be a part of our walk with God. Many times I find these hardships extremely difficult and often wonder why. Later though I marvel at the lessons that came from that difficult journey I went through. I see strength because by relying on God I was able to stay the course and move through my struggle, this too is a joyous moment. The going well was the ability to endure, to trust and in the end to see the good that came from staying the course with God's hand guiding me and holding me. Sometimes I see my faith journey not unlike an athlete who practices and works hard at their field of endeavor. The final result is not just a toned body but the ability to grow in their sport and to play it well. My faith journey to me is building my spiritual muscle. Being in the spirit for me has been confusing and hard to find. Much of what I am learning as I read the Bible talks about the natural world which I get since I live in it. My journey is taking me from the natural to the spiritual. The OT is a whole lot of physical descriptions such as circumcision and in the NT I learn that the physical cutting away of skin becomes a cutting away at my heart not the physical heart another worldly term but of my spiritual heart. Someone prayed for me to open my spiritual heart to God and I did. Someone walked with me as I left dysfunction and turned to a functional way of dealing with life. That functional way is Jesus. Because someone cared I opened my heart to Jesus and now I pray I am a catalyst to open another person's heart with God's loving hand guiding me. At the end of the day I pray I hear God's voice, grow in God's grace and Word and then move towards those He puts me in touch with. For me reaping what I sow is learning to God's will. My prayers and the prayers of others helps me stay on track. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 19 2016

Greetings My Friend While I was helping Junior change his bandage he was telling me he feels that he needs to learn a lesson and this is why God allowed him to injure his thumb. I often see life lessons from the things that happen to me so his thoughts made sense. Sometimes I think God allows things to happen for various reasons. Some of the lessons from God can be hard to swallow but at the end of the lesson it was the right one to learn and grow with. I feel Junior's pain each time we change his bandages. I hate seeing him go through this and I also know there are times all the subtle nudges were ignored so God has to get our attention. Junior related his lesson to the OT where God's people were blessed by Him and then they got lazy and began to follow other gods. God sent the prophets to tell His people and the prophets were ignored. God warned that if the people did not listen they would be put into captivity and still His people refused to listen and finally the people were taken into captivity. In captivity the people repented and in time God set them free. This happened over and over until the people were put into captivity for a very long time. I have seen this scene play out in my own life and it truly hurts. At the end of the day though I am grateful for the lesson even if it was painful. I marvel at how strong I am "in the Lord" because on my own I could not endure. After a while I also find a need to share my testimony with others.When I know that I am not alone in my journey of recovery I am comforted so I have a need to share so others may also find comfort in the Lord. Junior and I have had several opportunities to minister to other people since moving to Virginia and in my mind I thought we were to continue along the same path. With Junior's accident I see that a new ministry may be forming and we need to prepare for the work we are to be given. Junior having to slow down on the renovating due to his thumb being out of commission seems to be pointing to that direction. As he says the house will get done in God's time. I do not know how and yes I am a little anxious but I also believe God so I will tell Him my fear and then relax and move as we are directed. Our home is livable these days. The kitchen and bathrooms are functional now, not pretty yet and I have a work area in the kitchen finally where I can prepare meals. Most of the electrical plugs are in place so I can keep the crock pot in one place as I prepare meals in it. The canned goods all have a home now and with a good working space I am able to form my routine with little or no variations. I have decorated much of the house with curtains, placing the furniture where I like it and there is comfort there as well. With our home in decent order I am able to move in another direction more comfortably. We may still fix on the house but at a slower pace I am not sure. Time will tell. At the end of the day I know that I am able to accept this change of direction without a lot of anxiety. God will comfort those moments where anxiety will arise, today I am sure of that so I move forward into the unknown. We have moved from Michigan to Virginia and then we moved another time here in Virginia. I have worked through a host of health issues, learning to live in renovation upheaval and I am stronger emotionally. Each step of the way God has held my hand and nudged me forward at the right time. I may balk from time to time and I know God will be right there at my side. I keep learning, in God's time not mine. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 16 2016

April 16 2016 Greetings My Friend, I was having a rather hard day the other day. I hand stitched a tee shirt quilt a while ago for Junior. By the time I finished my hands were shaking too much so I have wanted to use a sewing machine to put the back of the quilt on. Many years ago I did some sewing and gave it up when I sewed my wedding dress inside out (for my 1st wedding). I tried a few more times and totally gave up sewing until the last few years. I started off with cross stitch and loved that and then the tee shirt quilt idea struck and off I went into the unknown again. I have been trying to remember how to thread the machine and finally was able to figure that out. Reading directions are hard for me, I do better when I see someone show me. Next I needed to thread the bobbin and that is where I have been stuck for a few months now. It came to me to use Youtube as a way to learn and it is helpful. After a few videos I realized I took out the entire casing instead of just the bobbin and getting it back together is a huge challenge for me. I had worked a good 3 hours trying to figure it all out when I gave up completely. I wrote of my woes on Facebook something about when life gives you lemons make tuna casserole (my comfort food). I went on about how my home economics teacher would be so ashamed of me and my total disdain. Add to the irritation of my sewing escapade one of our beloved dogs got ran over too. I was attempting to sew to distract myself from the pain of loosing another pet. Our 2 cats who were 17 and 20 have died in the last few months so a young dog was a hard one. In my younger years I would have found something to slam or throw to let off my steam. With God's help today I don't need to break dishes, strike my fist into a pillow or throw things across the room. I do feel the irritation though while I don't get tied up in knots like have in the past. My physical reaction to anger started to disappear when I married Junior. When I struggled with an issue he listened to me and validated my feelings. He has never raised his fists in anger with me which also helped me to move out of reacting to anger with throwing and such. In my first marriage anger was pretty much a daily experience. Anger generally was resolved with aggression. The more I moved away from so much anger the Proverbs teaching on anger made sense. Anger begets anger. It is wise to walk away from an angry person than to stay with them because you will end up responding in like manner. This is so true, I see it now. The Bible also teaches us to not be unequally yoked. I hear it as a believer not marry a non believer. For years this did not make sense to me as well. Today I understand a bit more, it is like the anger issue figuratively, if you are married to an unbeliever and you are a believer the unbeliever will over ride your belief somehow. We are to reach out to an unbelieving world for sure but we also need to immerse ourselves with other believers where we can build each other up so when we go out to the unbelieving world we will remain strong in the Lord. I again see this in my own life. I was a marginal believer at best and I walked away from my faith. When I divorced I asked God for a believing husband and when I met Junior I knew he was a believing and living his faith kind of a man. Our marriage is strong not because of what we do but because we attempt to make Jesus the center of our marriage. Learning to listen to the Holy Spirit teach us to be what each other needs keeps us open to God's will in our lives. God has worked on our issues and as we have heard we have walked away from much of the dysfunction of our past. We are " a cord of 3 strands that are not easily broken."

April 14 2016

April 14 2016 Greetings My Friend I am learning new things again. This particular subject is not one I had wanted to deal with but I find I must learn in order to move forward. For several days now I have tried to load my Facebook page Letters From Janet and my blog by the same name onto a social media management site. I have used this site for a few years now and it has made it possible for me to advertise and along with using a sentence or 2 to give a thought. These quips have garnered interest and people were responding to the thoughts that the advertisements. I could not figure out why I was not able to get in until yesterday when I was finally allowed back in. If I want to use this management site I will need to pay for it. Since I have never had to pay I am choosing to learn another way around my situation. Even though I look at my writings as a job I am not looking to make money, just to share my faith journey, my struggles in life. My writing also is helping me to pinpoint what is truly on my own heart. While pondering my situation I realized that my tablet and phone has allowed me to share links where my laptop does not. This means I will need to write more on the tablet and share this way except there is one problem. These devices are on Verizon and Verizon connections are sketchy up on our mountain. I have hooked them to our internet provider Hughes Net but these devices still are sketchy. Junior has his laptop and his tablet hooked up to Hughes Net, I have my 3 devices hooked up and I wonder if we have too many devices slowing down our connection. My brain is starting to hurt from all this trying to figure out how to use my devices and to post my writings. Another problem I have had recently is trying to copy my blog writing from my word program to the social media site so I have started writing on the blog itself. Here I am able to write, to save it as a draft and to schedule when the writing goes out to Google+. When my niece first set up this blog for me I had a hard time posting on the blog site so I used the word program. Today I understand what I am doing more fully. For some reason God has given me to opportunity to keep stretching my ability to think and to learn new things. I am getting around fairly well on the computer these days. I am learning the ins and outs more so. When I worked I told everyone I was a user, I was trained on what I needed to know to do my job and I was good with that. Today I wish I would have tried to learn more about the workings of my programs. I think I would have transitioned into the internet for my writings more so. Today I have to keep working at it until something gels for me. When I discovered yesterday that my social media management site was not available I got irritated so I decided to take a nap. That was my pout and the way I voiced my disdain at the new situation. When I woke up I then started searching for new ways to do old things. In life sometimes I find it to my advantage to let go of a situation for a short period of time before trying again. It has helped me maintain a level attitude and in that I am progressing through the problem. I wanted to remain with the familiar and God is teaching me to push beyond the familiar from time to time. At the end of the day I am grateful to see I can do more than I thought I could because God insisted on me pushing myself. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 9 2016

April 9 2016 Greetings My Friend, Since our kitchen has been more liveable with the table cleared off, cabinets put in order and the tools put away we have had quite a few visitors. Debbie and Boogie were invited and the other guests have been surprise visits which we have loved as well. Saturday Rachel and Steve came by. While steve mowed and weed whacked Rachel hung out with me. We made peanut butter dip, chatted and enjoyed getting to know each other while the men were outside. When Rachel had to run home from time to time I picked up here and there. I was attempting to see if I would be able to work back to using the walker around the house. I did and I know without a doubt that too much walking on my own steam at this point is taxing. I also knew that even with the walker I would tire out attempting to walk around church so the wheelchair is my mode of getting around outside the house still. When she came back it was time for a rest for me and we sat chatting about my pretty bracelet I got in the mail, how we coped after getting out of our abuse situations and other such things. Several hours went by when Steve hobbled in the door all hunched over. His back was hurting from all the weed whacking. After he rested for a few minutes he was able to get up and leave. At the end of the day both Junior and I were thrilled with Steve’s help and Rachel’s sweetness. When we got home from church on Sunday we took our usual nap side by side in our recliners. As I was starting to wake up the phone rang and it was PK a long time friend was on the other end. We did some catch up and since we go to church together she was surprised to see me in a wheelchair. Towards the end of our chat someone knocked on our door so I said good bye and Junior answered the door. At the door was two little ladies from down the street. They asked if they could come in and of course we let them in. Chelsey at age 7 loves to visit our dogs and sit in a chair chatting with us. We offered the girls a cookie and some ice tea which they loved. When the girls were starting to get rambunctious I gave them my cell phone and tablet to let them color on an app I have. They enjoyed this feature for some time before it got old. Around this point we were realizing that Grandpa probably did not know where his girls got to so while I entertained them Junior walked down the street to check in with Grandpa Ronny. No he thought the girls were at the neighbor next door. Junior came back without Grandpa Ronny. While he was gone I got out some glue and some glass marbles with a flat back. I found a couple of plastic lids and we proceeded to glue the marbles into the lids to make a sun catcher. They loved the glue and they were finished rather quickly with this project. I asked PaPa Junior to get us a few boards so he went out to get them. While he was out there we cut up some pictures from cards and when the boards came in we glued them onto the boards. Grandpa Ronny showed up to get the girls, we finished up our project and the 3 of them left. Just as they left the phone rang, it was Rachel needing to borrow some coffee. She came to get it and again we chatted. While reading my Bible study this morning I came across the passage in 1 Corinthians “Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” This passage through the years has taught me each one of us has a gift from God. Our gift is to be used to reach out with The Good News of Jesus and it came to me that the visitors we have had recently was a ministry of reaching out and loving others as God loves me. I have my unique gifts and it displays itself in many ways. Our visitors were one ministry, my writing is another and even when I am in church learning I may ask a question that helps someone else. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 7 2016

April 7 2016 Greetings My Friend, My study this morning took me to Psalm 92 and as I was reading it I saw that God was teaching me how to honor God and by doing so grow into God’s wholeness with my life. Versus 1-4 “It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High, to declare Your steadfast love in the morning and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the lyre. For You O Lord, have made me glad by Your work; at the the works of Your hands I sing for joy.” I learn to give thanks to God, to sing, to praise, to declare His steadfast love and His faithfulness and the musical instruments. Giving thanks has been a part of my life’s journey for some time now. I truly understand how being thankful changes me from despair to hope. Singing has helped me too. My shower time used to be my “remember how awful life is” time until God impressed upon me to sing hymns and praise songs in the shower. These songs changed my morning dread to being awake and alive. I sang for a few years each morning before stopping the songs. Cancer slowed my brain down and I showered with hope leaving the past where it belongs, in the past. Even today when despair or anxiety come I find songs floating into my thoughts. I am surprised when I start to quiet myself and I then begin to find answers to what is plaguing me. When I went to have my 2 MRI’s recently I was asked what type of music I like. I told the lady that I enjoyed Christian music and when the quietness of the machine came I heard the music. I heard the familiar music in the close quarters of the machine and I was at peace. I am anxious to find out what is going on with my body. I know the “names” of my illness’ but little more. I want to ask questions, to understand the dynamics of the disorders and someone to help me along this journey. The music taught me to let go and let God. When I left I felt peace that I am going to be okay. Each of these steps shows me God’s steadfast faithfulness. I can trust has all this under control and that He is and will keep guiding me at the right time. For the last little while I know that I know I am on the right track. It is not happening as quickly as I would like but I know in the end I will find the answers my heart is searching for. The answer may be “trust” and leave it alone or “trust” and watch the wonders as they come in the form of being with the right doctor at the right time. The last verse teaches me the gladness in my heart for the awesome way God answers prayers. They may not come out the way I first wanted but I will be good with how they do come out. I will be in awe of God and that expectation settles me even more so. I read the rest of the Psalm when I came to the last 2 verses, “They will bear fruit in old age, they are ever full of sap and green. For years I have recalled my Mother-in-law and my Grandmother. Their older years were lonely. Family did not and could not begin to fill all the loneliness that filled them, no matter how hard they tried. Reading, “They will bear fruit in old age” shows me that God will use me my whole life long and in that I know I won’t know that deep loneliness. I am lonely a lot, I miss being involved in my children’s and grandchildren’s lives but Father God diverts that energy into other ways. I am not in tears with the loneliness. I have Junior, fur children, a church family and a few good friends. I work at my health, our home, writing and reaching out to others. It is a full life and I am in awe of God’s work in my life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 12 2016

April 12 2016 It is one of those days where my computer and I are having a difference of opinion. I want to use my social management app and the app is disagreeing with me by not being available. I have gone in several times thinking that some sort of behind the scenes work is being done and it is done and up. So far it is not in fact I recall last night when I tried to use the app to advertise my Facebook page "Letters From Janet" and it was not working then either. I take myself over to Facebook find a few chuckles and some inspiration from the Scripture passages being passed around. I sip some more on my tea and then I try one more time. The site still is not working and a nap is calling me so I will give in to this urge just as soon as I vent my irritation in words. I begin to settle my thoughts and I recall my Bible study from earlier this morning. I was reading the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13 and I find myself focusing on the last sentence in the chapter. "So now faith, hope and love abide, these three , but the greatest of these is love." My mind does the usual spider web of thoughts and as they spill out I jot a few of them in my journal for my Bible study. My thinking came out like this "I don't know what true love is until I meet God and His love. When I did not know God's love I loved with selfish intent. God's love is not selfish, His love seeks the highest love for each one He is in relationship with." In my dysfunction I wanted to be loved and accepted at any cost. Later I found myself describing this love I tried to get as "prostituting myself. I wanted to please at any cost to my self worth for a moment of kindness and acceptance. I also over gave to the point of doing way too much in order to be perceived as a kind and caring person. Later I realized this type of giving is rather annoying to most people. They want someone who will be genuine with their "yes' and no's" and not do or say what I perceived others wanted me to say and do. It actually got difficult to remember each individual like and dislike from all the people I knew. God's love took me right where I was at in my dysfunction. That total accepting was so comforting and freeing. I have learned that I don't have a "to do" list of things I need to do in order to be loved by God. He loves me and waits for me to ask Him into my life. God is a gentleman which is amazing. He does not demand but waits. Once I open my heart to him and accept Him truly always through His Son Jesus I find myself wanting to please God. I started to grow in God's love. I felt convicted to read my Bible and there I discovered that God gives us His standards in His Word. More than a few times I had some serious discussions with God about how that did not seem right and why did I need to praise Him etc. Patiently God kept saying "just do it." I eventually gave in and started doing what I was being told was good for me. As always God was right, there is that word "righteous" and from it I have discerned that God is always right, just and fair even when I doubt Him. Mostly today I now attempt to "just do it" and amazingly, God is always right. Today I attempt to love others to their highest good. I am walking away from a need to be loved by the world. I feel whole and alive even in my weakening body. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 5 2016

April 5 2016 Greetings My Friend We knew she was going to go through surgery with flying colors when she feebly attempted to kid with us as she was being prepared. Boogie is an 84 years old very frail lady. She had taken a nasty fall and bumped her head on the way down, breaking her shoulder. Junior and I went to be with Debbie, Boogie’s daughter because there is no one else in the family to help them. They are dependent on each other both having major health issues. They are a team like I have not seen much of in my life. When it is time to cook they each work together, one peeling while the other gets the ingredients together. One cooks while the other prepares another piece of the meal. They are lost without the other. After much trial Debbie got an ambulance to come and take her mom to the hospital. She texted me about what was going on and I forwarded the message to the prayer chain, my friends who pray on Facebook and attempted to keep everyone up to date on Boogie’s progress. It was late at night, Junior had taken his medication so driving would not be a great idea. I can’t see at night we waited until morning. When we were up and around we headed off to the hospital and sat there with Debbie for a few hours. We learned Boogie’s surgery was going to be the next day we went home only to come back the next day. Boogie went into surgery around noon and was finished around 3:00. We had lunch, waited, played on our tablets, called people and finally word came that surgery was finished and Boogie came through with flying colors. Debbie and I talked on and off. Once more I am learning to not rely on our children to be around when we need them in our older years. Debbie never had children so we talked about how God provides the help we need when we need it. I sense we may be Boogie and Debbie’s assist and they may be ours as our needs arise. I have used Debbie a few times already for the womanly input I needed in a few situations. She gives me Godly counsel and I appreciate it. When we arrived at the hospital the first day the first question Boogie had was how I was doing with a certain situation I was dealing with. Her pain was major but she focused on me, I was amazed she could even think straight about this conversation. The “other” focus allowed her to forget her pain for a moment. During the 2 days I brought up the details of my latest findings with ataxia and chiari. For a little bit the change in conversation allowed Boogie to let go of her pain and she engaged me in the conversation. Boogie and Debbie live near Junior and I. I still call Michele B and Marilyn my good friends from Michigan. Now I talk with my new friends too. As a woman I need to have conversations so I can sort out what I need to hang onto and let go of what I need to. These women give me that opportunity and I am ever grateful for their love. I also am a sounding board for my friends. I am amazed at how God provides and I have exactly what I need. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 2 2016

April 2 2016 Greetings My Friend I am learning more about when I can walk and when I need to stop and use the wheelchair. Last week was hectic with a trip to the ER for Junior’s thumb, my ability to walk declined to the extent I need to use the wheelchair and then a trip to the PCP to have Junior’s thumb looked at and I had an x-ray. Add to this we too are almost finished with the kitchen. The disorder of renovating has settled quite a bit so the kitchen is ready to be set up like we want to use it for the most part. We cleaned and arranged until it was just right and then we had Debbie and Boogie over for dinner to show off our kitchen. I learned last week to walk the wheelchair when I could and to steer the wheelchair while I sat in it. I pushed myself to walk behind the chair more than sit in it. It wore me out when I walked. For the past 2 days I have sat and napped a lot due to the crazy schedule of the week. I find that I am walking steadier around the house and even taking off without the chair. I went to get breakfast this morning, make tea and take the tea to my recliner. I could feel the drain on my being. My foot tried to turn the wrong way so I know that I am not healed by any stretch of the imagination. I know that I will use the scooter at a store and not try to walk on my own with a cart. I tried pushing myself at a store over the weekend to find that my shoulders were not strong enough to go for an extended amount of time. My resolve now is to use the chair in equal or even more to my walking. I also know that I need to call my PCP to have a conversation with her too. My left hip and right knee want to give out on me. My foot wants to turn over to the side and my lower back aches. I wish I was with a neurosurgeon who is experienced with Chiari and ataxia because it seems like I am declining rather quickly right now. It seems like my fear has left and in its place I find a determination to find a way to do fairly much all the things I have been doing. I can still stand up and get things so it helps me. I feel as though I am being introduced to a wheelchair so I learn how to do things in it. Later when I can’t get up I will know it better. I am also wondering if I will always be able to stand up and get what I need, time will tell that is for sure. I also can still carry Daisy around. I let her sit in the chair if I am pushing it. If I am sitting the chair I hold her in my lap as I wheel around. Her nearness brings me comfort and strength. I sense that I am in a mode of using the wheelchair and getting around on my own steam. I see this much as I did when I had to use the walker full time and then my PCP and I talked, she revamped some of my medications and I was able to let go of the walker for the most part. I see that I may be wheelchair bound for now but I will regain enough strength to walk with the walker more and need the wheelchair for the longer periods of time I would have been able to walk on my own. I am grateful for the journey of learning to use the wheelchair as opposed to walking on my own one day and then never walking again. The slow introduction helps me accept the possible full time dependence. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet