April 28 2016

April 28 2016 Greetings My Friend My question to God these days is "How do I walk in the spirit when I am hurting with back pain, seeing my walking decline and needing help to get around like Junior pushing me in the wheelchair. For some time now God has been pointing me to the heart, mostly learning to see other peoples heart not their outward actions. Today was no exception as I walked with God reading His Word. I am taught ""From now on, therefore, we regard no according to the flesh,... Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." For years I would read that I am a new creation in Christ and to be honest I was not sure how, I believed but I did not feel new especially as I struggled with life issues. When I went to my journal afterwards I was led to Galatians 5:22 and this passage opened the eyes of my heart to the new creation in Christ. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law." At this point I saw the "new creation" I am becoming. I am much more patient with myself, with others and even in a round about way with God. The same goes with the rest of the list I am not what I was when I started this journey in earnest. Since I live in a declining world and body I have my moments still. It is hard letting go of abilities I have had for over a lifetime such as walking, having a sense of energy and the "unknown" of what will come next. Little is known about these disorders, I have not had a neurosurgeon who understands my disorder so the uncertainty plagues me. I want to face this unknown issue and fight much the same as I did with breast cancer. It was a fairly straight forward disease, the doctors told me what to expect and the procedures I would be undergoing. Once I understood I felt able to pray and I knew I was going to be okay. Even though I knew my cancer would not kill me I had my moments. Some good friends who had survived their cancer found out a year or so latter that they had cancer once more and I struggled with this potential. One day it came to me that either way I win. I would recover and live life again or I would die and be with Jesus. Once I came to peace with death I settled down. I want to enter into that fight with my disorder except I don't know a lot. This area of lack tugs at me all the time and I keep going back to God when my anxiety gets the best of me. The more I read I see that anxiety is part of the disease, oh joy. The good news is I need to keep talking to God to stay calm and with my PCP's caring concern we are doing a lot of trial and error. So how does the Fruit of Spirit work in all of this? God points me to areas He has work for me to do. A couple within our community has entered into mine and Junior's life. The gentleman is recovering from addiction, he is on his faith journey with Jesus. His girlfriend also is recovering from abuse, addiction. I have an opportunity to reach out in love, joy, peace, patience..... I understand her reluctance to do certain things. She visits me while Junior and her boyfriend are doing something around the house or he is finding a way to earn some extra money. We are involved and the more I am involved the less I have time to dwell on what is going on in my body. When I slow down and have quiet time I begin to see God is moving in my struggle. He lines me up with another ataxia patient,my hygentist sp. has this disorder, she has a neurosurgeon in our area and I now have an appointment in June. In the meantime my PCP lines up some tests so that when I do go he will have something to look at right off. More than likely I will need further tests, hopefully the further tests will lead to more information. At times I want answers now and I learn "not my time but God's time." I am learning patience on another level. As scary as all of this is I know I can trust God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet