April 12 2016

April 12 2016 It is one of those days where my computer and I are having a difference of opinion. I want to use my social management app and the app is disagreeing with me by not being available. I have gone in several times thinking that some sort of behind the scenes work is being done and it is done and up. So far it is not in fact I recall last night when I tried to use the app to advertise my Facebook page "Letters From Janet" and it was not working then either. I take myself over to Facebook find a few chuckles and some inspiration from the Scripture passages being passed around. I sip some more on my tea and then I try one more time. The site still is not working and a nap is calling me so I will give in to this urge just as soon as I vent my irritation in words. I begin to settle my thoughts and I recall my Bible study from earlier this morning. I was reading the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13 and I find myself focusing on the last sentence in the chapter. "So now faith, hope and love abide, these three , but the greatest of these is love." My mind does the usual spider web of thoughts and as they spill out I jot a few of them in my journal for my Bible study. My thinking came out like this "I don't know what true love is until I meet God and His love. When I did not know God's love I loved with selfish intent. God's love is not selfish, His love seeks the highest love for each one He is in relationship with." In my dysfunction I wanted to be loved and accepted at any cost. Later I found myself describing this love I tried to get as "prostituting myself. I wanted to please at any cost to my self worth for a moment of kindness and acceptance. I also over gave to the point of doing way too much in order to be perceived as a kind and caring person. Later I realized this type of giving is rather annoying to most people. They want someone who will be genuine with their "yes' and no's" and not do or say what I perceived others wanted me to say and do. It actually got difficult to remember each individual like and dislike from all the people I knew. God's love took me right where I was at in my dysfunction. That total accepting was so comforting and freeing. I have learned that I don't have a "to do" list of things I need to do in order to be loved by God. He loves me and waits for me to ask Him into my life. God is a gentleman which is amazing. He does not demand but waits. Once I open my heart to him and accept Him truly always through His Son Jesus I find myself wanting to please God. I started to grow in God's love. I felt convicted to read my Bible and there I discovered that God gives us His standards in His Word. More than a few times I had some serious discussions with God about how that did not seem right and why did I need to praise Him etc. Patiently God kept saying "just do it." I eventually gave in and started doing what I was being told was good for me. As always God was right, there is that word "righteous" and from it I have discerned that God is always right, just and fair even when I doubt Him. Mostly today I now attempt to "just do it" and amazingly, God is always right. Today I attempt to love others to their highest good. I am walking away from a need to be loved by the world. I feel whole and alive even in my weakening body. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet