December 31 2015

December 31 2015 Greetings My Friend “Am I closer to God at the end of the year than I was at the start of the year?” For a few days I have started sifting through my thoughts to see where I stand in my faith journey. Today I fully contemplate my faith journey in detail. With the start of 2015 I was discovering that the deep pain of strained relationship with my daughter was not eating me alive anymore. I feel like I gave it the one more look and I see that as hurt as she is I know that I did my best during her growing up years. I could not leave craziness until I knew what stable was and what it looked like. When the time came to leave I did so with a satisfaction of “I tried everything I knew to try” and it was the end. At that point I began a new journey of faith and growing. I learned what love truly is and did my best to love as God was loving me. I mourn these days but like in death time passes and the memory never fully leaves but somehow life continues on. With this new nugget growing in me this year I have found my mental health better than it has ever been. After a few years of deep introspective work I understand my limitations more fully and I avoid triggers as much as I can. I have learned to do old things in new ways so I don’t feel limited by my limitations. At the same time I am open to keep digging into my my introspective thoughts so that I can keep growing within my limitations. The heat of summer brought the usual struggle with asthma. I have learned to lean into it, allow myself to sleep, to move slower while coping with congestion. As summer gave way to fall my congestion was leaving but I struggled more so trying to move about, I had a weakness that was making me weak and walking on my own steam was giving way to using my walker. It hit me that I had another problem besides asthma and finally went in to see the doctor. A short stint in the hospital to rule out heart trouble my doctor then gave me another medication. This medication has helped tremendously. I continue to be on an upward swing. As I look upon these events I see God’s hand on me. I can say God has given me the courage to keep on going, to face the scary moments with courage and fear is kept at bay. When I was in a panic state my doctor noticed and gave me medication to quiet my concerns down. At this point I struggle to overcome panic on my own and only with prayer. I am on medication that helps me and I feel God has put this medication in my path because some of “wires” in my brain have been permanently damaged so the medication keeps those “wires” in check. I have been asking God due to concerns about medication. To be honest I feel so much stronger these days and God’s blessing that this is what I need. My comments to a few close friends in recent days finds me telling them that for the first time in my life my emotional health is the best it has ever has been. My day to day life allows me to be, do and make decisions without the constant questioning of myself as I have for most of my life. I am older and I am okay with this. Junior and my relationship is closer and we both keep taking our marriage to God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 29 2015

December 29 2015 Greetings My Friend The question was “What would you give Baby Jesus?” On my Facebook page “Lettersfromjanet” I thought that I would give Agape love, to seek another person’s highest good the same way God seeks my highest good. For some reason this question is still rolling around in my mind. I recall a long ago conversation with my Father that he often quoted to me, “It is better to give than to receive.” I bought this concept for many years and I am not opposed to it either but somewhere during my lifetime a new thought came to me. I often repeated the “it is better to give than to receive” thought to myself. I thought of the years that we as a family were given to because of Dad having polio and assistance was not easily gotten since we moved back to Michigan which at that time meant you had to live there 6 months. It was made harder because Dad’s parents refused to help us because of reasons beyond my understanding. I grew up married had children and at times life was a struggle. I recall times reaching out to neighbors or friends and at other times neighbors and friends reached out to us. It was during a back and forth of reaching out that the new thought started forming. It took a while but one day the thought had words, “if no one received then no one would be able to give.” I saw that in order to give thier needs to be someone to give to. My thinking started to delve into the idea that at times we need to receive in order to allow someone else to give. Along the way through the years I met many people who felt that they were to be given to and they did not need to give back. We all know that many organizations have a group of people who make the circuit in order to receive. They take and take and take some more and then when they get a “no” they are offended. When I knew that this was a problem I struggled with “how much should I give to someone” and when does trying to help begin to hinder that person’s good. Around this time I learned another thought, “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” With this thinking I understood that sometimes giving means opening doors for the person to walk away from being in need to helping themselves. Giving just to gives tend to create a climate of “entitlement.” I myself have run into those in my circle of acquaintances that started to expect to be able to have a portion of my money, time and possessions. I quickly knew that if I kept giving all that I would not have enough to sustain myself much less have enough to give to others. This did not make sense to me. Slowly through the years I have learned that God does not require me to give to each every person that crosses my path that has a need. More recently I find myself asking God if I am to give and God is faithful and teaches me when to give and when not to give. I also find myself going to God when I am in need. Many times my talks with God is enough. Sometimes though God brings another person into my life to walk beside me, give to me in my need. In time I find the moment that I can move on and once more I am able to reach out to give again. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 26 2015

December 26 2015 Greetings My Friend Today is one of those days I feel the student in me responding to my Bible study lesson. I am reading in Psalm 139 “ Search me O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I wrote the above passage in my journal under the heading “Scripture-What does God say. Each word as I wrote was speaking to me to write it down, to mull it over. I felt myself longing for God to search my own heart. I wanted to open myself deeply to God. The first entry was for me a sense of feeling and desire. I read on as I listened to the day’s reading going on to Job 28, Isaiah 50 and finally to Revelation 10. I am following an ESV study that is working for me right now. When the reading is through I take my pen in hand again. I ask the Holy Spirit the next heading in the Journal, “What does the Holy Spirit say?” I “hear” some words that come and go and then I hear what I am to write down which is “Keep my heart open to God and hear His correction-know that correction is His love seeking my highest good.” The next heading is “How can I serve others today.” I pause when these words come to me, “Don’t live in the past. Don’t live for the future. Live in today and relish today even if it is hard.” When I finish writing this statement I know that for most of my life I have lived in the past and then floated to the future hardly if ever stopping to rest in the day. I kept trying to resolve the past, to fix it. When it seemed impossible to fix the past I would jump to the future with dreams of how peaceful and good life will be. It was a major struggle to stay put in “today.” “Today” was as painful as yesterday was and I thought if I could go back and fix the past then today would change and my future would be bright. That long ago day on my bed one night crying to God with all the pain of a lifetime I finally met today. I prayed my prayer asking God to be in a good marriage, asking for a man who took his faith seriously. After the prayer I went to sleep. I got up the next day and entered into that day. I left the prayer somewhere deep inside of me and just went through each moment. My trips back and forth became less important as I struggled to live, to make a living to support myself, to find some new friends. I did have my moments of the back and forth living but at a snail’s pace it was leaving me. Today almost almost 2 decades later I realize that I no longer live in the past or the future very much. I remember my past, use it from time time to learn a lesson and then let it go. Today is exciting in its own self that the future waits to unfold of it’s own time and will. I see the healing in all those tiny little steps and marvel at God’s wise teaching. One of the best lessons for me in learning to live in the present was learning to be thankful and tell God why I am thankful. Thankful prayers today take place writing down things to be thankful for. Each time I go through a list of things to be thankful slowly I find myself marveling at all that I truly have. I am able to let go of those long ago hurts easier and the more I take myself through these moments the easier it is to stay in the present. The more I read my Bible the more I see how God taught His people to do this, to remember the good things God has done. Today I take myself to a thankful mode when life is handing me a load of lemons. This thankful moment soon leads me to coming back to the present, to remember other times has helped me and a quietness comes over me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane

December 24 2015

December 24 2015 Greetings My Friend The anticipation grows as I attend services and begin the journey to Bethlehem. I anxiously wait for the reading of the accounts of Jesus’ birth and I can feel the excitement as the angels sing about God’s Son birth this very night. Each year I long for this moment of celebration. I feel the hope that comes with a child’s birth. I remember the hope I had at my children’s birth. I remember soothing them with tender words as they cried their first cries upon entering the world. I remember unwrapping them from their blankets looking at their tiny fingers and toes. I marveled at their grip on my finger. I see these moments when I look upon the birth of Jesus. Through the years I absorb the fact that Jesus lived our life in the flesh. He knows all the emotions, the trials of life. Once more I ask God to forgive me from all those years ago when I told Him that He did not understand. I know I have been forgiven but I understand deeply now. Jesus knows. The Wise men bring Jesus gifts and I believe this is why we give gifts. In recent years I see gift giving differently. I have loved opening gifts and have had many moments I was sad because it was not what I had expected. When God was teaching me “to be content in all things, to be thankful and that God gives us what we need not what we want.” I felt a circumcision being performed on my heart. I felt my self absorbed ways diminishing and a desire to love as God loves me grow in its place. When Junior and I were first married I told him I wanted gifts for my birthday, Christmas and our anniversary. I had felt neglected with these holidays and I wanted to feel wanted. Junior has been faithful and supplied gifts for these special days. He has even given me gifts just because. As I felt his love the need grew less. Sometime during the days leading up to Christmas I see that the Baby Jesus grew up. I see people flocking to Him with love because He truly understood and made God’s love real. I see religious leaders resent Him and begin plotting to kill Him. I see the people excited on Psalm Sunday, the betrayal in the garden and a gruesome death. I grieve with the disciples at His passing and rejoice again at His resurrection. For me Christmas needs to be appreciated in light of Easter. I need my Savior that tiny baby born in a manger all those years ago. He is risen! He is risen indeed. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 22 2015

December 22 2015 Greetings My Friend My new found energy is wonderfully profound. My days are filled with more activity, my thinking grows even more clearer. The free fall into chronic fatigue and in the midst of chronic fatigue I longed for energy and days of sleeping and feeling exhausted to move about the house started to feel normal. I still don’t know to what extent I will continue to gain and retain a decent energy level so I move into life with caution. I overextended myself recently thinking I was going to pay the usual price of extreme tiredness. I did pay a price but not tiredness. I was over wound up where sleeping was impossible. I was able to keep moving and doing well into the night. Sleep did come eventually. For some reason I found myself sleeping in segments throughout the day. I even was able to do housework, run an errand or two and work on crafts. The next night I was able to get to sleep at a decent hour. I was awake very early the following morning and so far I have not needed to take a nap to make up for lost sleep. I don’t know where this day will take me so I wait to see. In the meantime I am finishing up my morning quiet time rather early and I have extra things I want to work into this day if I can. My lungs feel clear and I don’t know how my asthma will behave. I continue to find ways to avoid my triggers. For the first time in my life I am more aware of ways to cope through my allergies. As a child us kids were not given much attention to our illness’ They were not acknowledged unless it was major. I had bronchitis for 6 weeks and it was one of the few times I was allowed to be sick. The same pattern was present in my first marriage. I tried to tough out my illness and ignore them. I usually got to the point I could not function so it was then I stopped to deal with my struggles. Through the years I started to learn to stop at the first signs of illness and I discovered that I overcame the illness quicker. Allergies though are vague and figuring out the triggers has been a lot of work to discover the source. I believe I have had symptoms of asthma through the years and I was told if I thought I had it then I would get it instead of learning to pay attention to triggers and eliminate them from my life. I have for the first time in my life learned to eliminate some of the triggers, like carpet that collects many of the allergens. I know dust is a major struggle for me so we now have air purifiers all over the house. I take an allergy medication or supplement daily, use my maintenance inhaler daily and I believe some of my regained energy is because of the work of eliminating my triggers. I also think that my doctor helping me discover other problems that I am dealing with such as my balance issues and tremors is helping me gain energy too by the medications, the aids such as a walking stick and use of a walker as needed. Using these aids allows me to not tire out so much. Knowing I need to do various things for my health and following through means I can stay active for a bit longer. Knowing when to slow down and even stop helps as much as eliminating things from my life. Once more I reflect that God’s healing may be trusting to follow His instructions one tiny step at a time and to quit waiting for the huge miracle. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 19 2015

December 19 2015 Greetings My Friend This time next week Christmas will be over with. The gifts will be opened, the celebration will be over with and then we will focus our thoughts on the end of this year and the start of another year. For weeks it seems there has been a frantic urgency to prepare for gatherings, buy gifts. When I had a family with small children I loved to bake. Between the baking and cleaning and shopping I also attempted to have my children make some crafts for gifts. One year we made salt dough ornaments to give to relatives and friends. My son painted each ornament black which I loving called “his black period.” This was my attempt to teach my children about giving. I was honored when the grandchildren came along the first Christmas and I received a set of cookie cutters. My children informed me that they wanted me to make gifts at Christmas with their children like when they were young. Our family was dealing with divorce, my divorce. Many things needed to be sorted through and little did I know at the time this sorting process would take not a few years but take a long time for healing. In fact things are still not figured out yet. My children did do the same thing we did with their own children though. Christmas holidays were difficult learning to divide time up even more now that we were divorced and sometimes we did not seem able to hook up. I admit to lots of pain and anguish throughout these years. It was during one of those years I was given a wonderful lesson that planted a seed of healing for me. Our minister taught us to do a review of the year. I continue to do this review after Christmas and through the first few days of the new year. He asked us, “Are you closer to God than you were at the first of the year.” Today instead of thinking on “New Year’s resolutions I now reflect on my relationship with God to see if I am growing or stagnating. For me this gave me the opportunity to remember the times God was my comfort, the times I was able to deal with a situation calmly, say the right words etc. The remembering of God’s provision showed me how God always shows up, not necessarily in my time but in His time and I can count on Him. Seeing those moments helped me to go to prayer quicker and to be in prayer more routinely. One year I was beside myself on Mother’s Day. I felt like a complete failure and cried to God most of an afternoon. I told Him of my pain more than once and it seems like at one point I was spent and quieted my spirit down. At this point God started showing me some of the games that were being played on me. The more I absorbed this fact I understood that my parenting was decent and it was often undermined. With this understanding I felt a new strength along with an acceptance of the past. I also saw why God had pointed us to move from Michigan to Virginia. Distance helped me to let go and to understand. If we would not have moved my pain would not have been eased as quickly as distance made the separation final in my mind and my heart. This intimacy with God was profound which encouraged me to keep seeking Him. My talks with God continue to grow me, to help me see the sin that is hurting me and God then walks with me as He shows me ways to let go and I lovingly understand the next part let God more profoundly. Each time I am able to turn around from my wilderness wandering to see a lovely garden of growth in my life. I want to keep on top of those weeds even more so these days. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 17 2015

December 17 2015 Greetings My Friend I walk through the house and I see the shine on our wood floors. We wanted to finish our floors right off and were told it is best to do them last. We were keeping them clean but with the house being 90 some years old and all the people who were “rent to own” and never did stay the house fell into disrepair including the floors. The polish had worn off years ago and a few floors were down to the original wood. One day we had the idea of waxing these floors at least there would be some protection on them we thought. The floors have been kept clean but looked dingy soon with the wax the floors did not look so dingy. Several coats of wax the floors started to shine and we started to see the original color of the stain that was used back when they were new. Recently Junior and I were talking about how to build the kitchen as to where to place the things in it. Later I walked out on the front porch and had that familiar sight of clutter that takes me over the edge. I had not seen Junior inside working on the kitchen very much in recent weeks and felt this project was side tracked again. The clutter both on the porch and the kitchen overwhelmed me and irritation was rising within me. When I mentioned the porch Junior started talking in a manner I have not heard in awhile. He was telling me that he is indeed working on the kitchen by not being in the kitchen. I understood when he was insulating the porch floor that is now a part of the kitchen and there were other days he was underneath putting up wires for the kitchen but the porch I could not figure out. What I learned is getting the porch cleaned off will allow Junior to move things around while he works at remodeling the kitchen. As he removes things he will then have a place to move more of the kitchen pieces to the side porch and open the front porch up for his saws and tools.. From the start of this renovation project this aspect of Junior’s style of working has confused me. I often thought I was helping him by mentioning ways to organize himself, it only irritated him. After a few tries on my part I found myself just sitting. Since I was so fatigued it worked out for both of us. As I started gaining some sort of energy I began asking God to teach me to be what Junior needs me to be, to open my eyes and my heart to him. As he had an area of the house that was livable I began working at keeping it clean. He organized the kitchen to some extent which then allowed me to cook for us. Pretty soon I had a good portion of the house that was neat which allowed me to work at gaining energy. I also saw Junior enjoying our home clean and organized. I have kept up my praying asking God show me how to help Junior. The more we settled into a renovating mode we both were not as anxious. We understood each other’s questions more so. This time I asked Junior to tell me his game plan and he did. I am not anxious for him to get back to the kitchen so I don’t try to point out his to me distracted way of doing things. I see the plan and I now know what is going on. At first God taught me to sit. I needed the sit time due fatigue and mental confusion. The more I gained my health back I kept praying and we were both adapting to each other’s needs. I don’t have that sense of panic these days, I feel useful even though I can’t use tools and stuff. Junior enjoys my gift of cleaning and cooking which makes me feel like I am his partner. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 15 2015

December 18 2015 Greetings My Friend I am moving through my morning as I write. I have had that 1st cup of coffee, checked out Facebook, emails and spent time in the Word. Part of my study time is I journal my studying. Each day I write out five titles, “What is on my mind today, What can I talk to God about today, Scripture- What does God say, What does the Holy Spirit say and lastly How can I serve others today. This last entry has occupied my thoughts in recent days. When I began this journey I felt I needed to do something like serve my husband, help the homeless or such. My thoughts started to move in another direction as I had days of recovering from illness’ such as bronchitis, chronic fatigue. I was learning that part of serving meant that I needed to take care of my health because if I was worn out or sick I could not be as productive. For the past several years I have been on a journey of self discovery. For instance I learned to get help for emotional struggles. I was learning to talk to God about my emotional pain and the more I prayed the more I was learning to get counseling, ask for medication and find emotional support not only from God but find a few close friends to guide me. I had much the same revelation with my physical health concerns. I found a doctor who understood my searching and she led me to medications, procedures and tests. I also found online support groups and natural healing methods like supplements, essential oils and eating less processed food. One step at a time I was gaining energy, not getting as sick as often and an ability to reach out to others. I am an all or nothing kind of person so once I felt able to reach out again I wanted to have set times to volunteer, to take a friend around only to find myself exhausted and unable to function. Ever so slowly it was coming to me that part of serving others was taking time to take care of myself. I find I can only move about life so much any more. I now understand more fully why my energy level never reached the level I knew 10 years ago or more. God wants me to “be still, to quiet myself” so I can serve Him in new ways. He wants me to write about my faith journey, to be available as I can to my husband as he renovates with meals, a clean home and a friend to bounce things off of. The more I have learned to balance these things the more I see God is not wanting me serve Him frantically in an effort to please Him. He has taught me that He is also my rest and my all in all. Along the way I am learning to talk to God about what work He wants me to do each day. Sometimes He wants me to be silly at the store so someone sees the comfortable relationship I have with my husband. Another time a friend needs a ride, some help so God points me/us in this direction. There are days when I am reading the Bible I feel like a lesson is jumping out at me. The lesson may be on the passages I am reading or even on something like the heading on my daily journaling. The more I am learn to slow down and listen the more I see all that I am truly doing. That frantic search to “prove” myself is leaving. I like that. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 12 2015

December 15 2015 Greetings My Friend Sleep? What is that? I had fallen into a comfortable sleep pattern now that I am on the new medication for my tremors. A good portion of the summer I struggled to stay awake and I slept at night and took long afternoon naps. I noticed after being on this new medication I was having some more energy, my shaking hand is settling down and my naps are shorter. I got a cold which was draining me and sleeping around the clock was once more overtaking me. My cold has gone away and once more I was gaining more energy sleeping well at night and my afternoon naps are shorter. With more time awake and more energy I find myself arranging and rearranging the house again. Since we are still renovating I am still working out how I want to organize our home so new ideas come to me. With Junior working in the kitchen and moving things around some I am plotting with him on where to place cabinets, the stove and even the kitchen sink. My craft area in the TV room is not right. I have too many boxes and clutter that seem to keep getting out of control. A space opened up in the dining room so while I was awake in the middle of the night I hauled my boxes and craft table to the dining room. With the TV room in better order today I am planning on organizing the spot in the dining room for my crafts. I have moved through my morning routine of being on the internet, eating breakfast and doing my Bible study. I was sure I was going to be sleepy after all that and planned on going back to bed. I am not tired yet so after I write this blog I am planning on tackling the craft area project. Daisy has a Vet appointment this afternoon and I am fretting I will be wiped out. Junior does most of the driving so if I need a nap I can take one in the car as we travel to the Vet and back. While we are at that end of town we have a few things we need to do and again if I need to I can take a nap. So why am I fretting? I guess that is what I do, fret. After I let go of this fretting I think that getting the craft area organized means it will be easier for me to sit down and craft easier. I can leave things on the table to dry or to pick up and start doing the next time I have a few minutes. Right now I pull out my supplies and work in a crowded space and then put them away again so there will be room to move around the TV room. The getting out and putting back gets old rather quickly. If we have company my craft area can be picked up easily otherwise leaving things out to work on won’t be overly cluttered. I have noticed that the kitchen area is in a constant state of moving, chaos and reorganizing. My cooking meals is difficult and we are not eating as well instead we are getting stuff from the deli at the grocery store. I struggle to plan and implement meals due to trying to figure out where things are now. The good part of all of this though is my mind keeps striving to find order and in the process Junior and I have plotted on where we want to place things. By him moving the kitchen island/table a few inches I saw how we could place it along the long windows looking into the yard. Next I figured out where the refrigerator can go and finally the stove. Once the kitchen is in place we will have the master bedroom/bathroom to build and then I see things settling down and not changing so much. I continue to fall in love with this house as I have never fallen in love with a home before so the upheaval has been worth it to me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 10 2015

December 10 2015 Greetings My Friend Back in my community college days I met a lady who gave credit to God for helping her quit smoking overnight. She prayed and from then on she never smoked again. She had a raspy voice like she had smoked heavily for years. It was a little pinprick in my journey to faith. I remember my mother in law often. She believed with all her heart, I sensed her belief. Later I looked back on a few things and realized she was teaching me as the Bible teaches older women to teach the younger women. By the time I got to Single Point and Divorce Recovery I was open to people giving their testimony. In each instance I heard of a personal struggle, a deep seated struggle to walk away from and a turning the struggle over to God. The person was able to be free of the stronghold that had overtaken them. Some found their way through the struggle a step at a time and on occasion some were healed from the struggle right away. At some point I saw Dad’s testimony and it became real to me. Dad overcame polio and he learned to walk again when the doctors had given up hope both times. I kept learning from Dad’s struggle and healing too. For a time I thought God only did complete healings but Dad’s healing was not total. Dad had muscles that died making it hard for him to walk. Climbing the stairs was possible but difficult. Dad would bend in half, hold the railing and slowly make his way up the stairs. Mom went to work to support our family when women stayed home. Dad took on the role of housewife by cooking and getting us kids to our activities. Both of my parents faced a mountain of obstacles. They grew through each struggle, they fell down a lot too. The older I get the more I understand the great difficulty they encountered trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I understand a lot of their anger and neglect and at the same time it has left its scars on me. Our church provided for us when we were in a deep need. We had food, clothes, a back brace for Dad and support. These moments also showed me how God provides. I had a huge fear of being out on the streets. One struggle at a time God has shown me I have always had food to eat, a warm home to live in and clothes to wear. When money was tight I ate each day, maybe not 3 meals and snacks but I had food daily. I marvel each meal time how food was always provided and I thank God as I marvel. Part of God’s provision has been I needed to work to feed myself and my family. I needed to work to put a roof over our heads. Sometimes I see God’s provision as a willingness to do my part and then God will make sure I have what I need. I have learned that we need to be willing to meet God and then to do what we are instructed to do. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 8 2015

December 8 2015 Greetings My Friend My goal during the Christmas season is to remember Jesus’ birth, life, death and resurrection. I have never been able to do advent but during the month I attempt to focus on Jesus in some way each day….frankly it my day to day goal too. I find comfort in reading the familiar passages of Jesus’ birth. Through the years I found myself relating to Mary and Joseph. Mary was a teenage mother. This was a huge mark on her for her entire life. Joseph was not so sure about Mary’s integrity and silently decided he would quietly divorce her. Both Mary and Joseph listened to the angel’s news about God’s only Son being born within Mary’s womb. Joseph married Mary. Mary seemed scared but rejoiced at being God’s Son’s mother. They both went against the norm to do the work God called them to. Life was hard for them. Joseph was not rich, King Herod ordered all babies to be killed which means God warned the parents to move into Egypt. Each time I begin to dig deeper into the very familiar story I discover God in more profound ways. Mary and Joseph were not influential people. They were poor and not educated. God chose them to do a major work. They both were willing to do as God commanded them and was willing to go against the societies accepted ways. Each turn of the road God provided for their lives and safety. The three Wise Men visited the family bringing with them very expensive gifts. These gifts provided for the family when they lived to Egypt. We learn of three gifts that were given not a ton of gifts. They were given what they needed to sustain their lives. As I look further I don’t see that Mary, Joseph and Jesus had a cake type of life. In reality it was hard. They believed God and God provided their needs not their wants. God could have chosen rich people for Jesus to be born into, He did not. God could have made Mary and Joseph rich, He did not. Mary, Joseph and Jesus had to depend on God each step of their journey. God did not take the cross away from Jesus either. Still all three of them relied on God and did as they were instructed to do. As Jesus hung on the cross He instructed John to care for His mother and for Mary to care for John. Both did as they were instructed. I see again that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. He does this in my life as well. I had hard times, still walk through moments of great struggle. I have learned great joy even in moments of huge difficulties. I learn to seek God and each time I come back to God I find my way through the maze of struggles. I have a strength I never knew I had. It is not my own strength but God’s strength that sees me through life. In the quiet moments I am thankful and grateful for life’s challenges. Around the corner another new struggle may appear, slowly and steadily I learn to take it to God in prayer. His Word often opens up ways to cope with each situation. I don’t feel alone but I feel important to God which gives me courage and strength to do the uncomfortable. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 5 2015

December 5 2015 Greetings My Friend Most of the movies I have seen regarding abuse it seems that the abused person is supported and loved by those that are family and close friends. I played this image in my mind over and over. I waited to be saved and directed only to find no one walking beside me directing me showing me how to walk away. My next for sure image was my kids would grow up to back me up and support me. Divorce Recovery taught me that the children more often than not blamed the parent who was being abused, they were angry for living in the chaos. In my mind I felt that after a few short years the light bulb would go off and I would get the sense of family I longed for. As I started to see that I was on this journey all by myself I wanted to be bitter and angry. I cried to God telling Him how unfair it was. I gave God all of my pain and then one day I found that I had God and it was enough. It took me a few years to let go of the Hallmark family moments even today when I see these commercials I have a deep pang run through my being. I don’t hold that feeling for more than a few seconds now. I kept hearing God say “Am I enough?” Slowly I started saying “yes” and then one day God had consumed all of me. It was awesome. Like the Hallmark commercials I grew to have a pang of despair for a few seconds before I moved onto all the blessing I did have and not being all about a huge family of gatherings soon did not matter like it once did. This year for Thanksgiving we needed to make a trip to Michigan to attend to some issues for our house we are renting out. We wound up in Michigan for Thanksgiving and we stayed with my niece and her family. We tagged along for Thanksgiving dinner to her husband’s family gathering and we were welcomed with love and acceptance. My son has been able to visit, to call me and tonight Junior and I are going by to hangout with our grandson while his sister is at a travel league practice a good distance from where they live. My son asked us if we would hang out with Andrew and we are thrilled to have this opportunity. Later after he has had a bit of time to unwind and visit his friends we will stop by my niece’s house and introduce Andrew to Jake. I am about as excited as I can get. Junior and I have hung out with Jake quite a bit this week and enjoyed him very much. For the first time in years I feel part of my family and it is awesome. In one of my writing classes I learned about “a slice of life.” This phrase comes back to me again and that is what I sense the week has been a beautiful slice of life. The memories will be memories that will come back to me through the years and I will remember the easy joy I had. I will remember that moment of acceptance of me in my own personhood and then the joy of sharing my love and wisdom. The thing I have longed for is now here and I am thankful for each gruelling step along the way. During the time in the “wilderness” I have let God take my pain away and now I can just enjoy these family moments with a joy deep inside of me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 3 2015

December 3 2015 Greetings My Friend For me I find that looking at the manger means I need to remember the cross as well. In my mind’s eye I see the baby Jesus in His manger all wrapped up tight and in the background I also see the cross imposed into the scene. It is awesome to think about Jesus leaving heaven, entering our world the way we enter the world as a baby. He was conceived by the Holy Ghost and born of the Virgin Mary. We are conceived by our fathers and born of our mother’s in like manner. That tiny bundle is so sweet, innocent and there is a need to nurture the child, just as we do with our own children. Right away I see that our Lord experienced life just as we experience life from the very beginning. I marvel as I carry this picture in my mind’s eye forward. Jesus learned to walk, to talk, to feed Himself just as we do. At the cross I see our Lord knows pain as deeply as we know pain. One of His closest followers betrayed Him. He was ridiculed with words like “If you are God then save Yourself.” He had a whip taken to His body. The whip had objects of stone and bone tied to it which meant huge chunks of flesh were ripped from His body. A crown of thorns was shoved forcefully onto His head, a robe was placed on His tender back as He once more was ridiculed about saving himself. A staff was shoved into His hand and the soldiers found great fun in shoving Jesus, taunting Jesus and then taking the staff He was given they beat Jesus. I discern that a good portion of the beatings were on His face, His was disfigured which means to me that He was beaten so bad that His eyes and face were swollen beyond recognition. All of this takes place before the nails were pounded into His flesh and he hung on the cross. On the cross breathing was difficult at best. Our Lord had to ride up and down to get air into His lungs and I see Him in my thoughts that tender back being ripped up even more. Jesus dies on the cross. The disciples are scared and confused. They don’t know what to make of Jesus actually dying. They huddle together in confusion when on the third day Jesus rises from the dead. He appears to the women, to the disciples and many other believers. Thomas doubts until he sees Jesus and touches the holes in His flesh. Upon seeing and touching Jesus Thomas believes. As a believer in Jesus He is the hope I have, the desire to grow into His likeness as much as possible. I can’t do it alone but the Holy Spirit begins to teach me. My life is changing and growing and the world’s values leave me little by little. I learn new hope a real hope and that hope strengthens me. I for the first time in my life see the value of my life. Jesus is my hope. His resurrection is what gives me hope and a belief so strong that He is the Savior of the world. For me I have to celebrate Christmas and Easter together to understand this precious gift of eternal life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

December 1 2015

December 1 2015 Greetings My Friend I am now dealing with insomnia. Part of me thinks it may be the new medication for my tremors. II sleep but it is a disrupted type of sleep. Instead of sleeping 7 or 8 hours each night I sleep 4 or 5 hours and nap throughout the day. So far my energy level is okay and I have decided to run with it for now anyway. I am able to get most of the things I want done, done. Junior sleeps like this. Seeing him deal with this helps me to not get upset. Dad also slept like this too. At the end of the day Junior gets enough sleep to accomplish quite a bit. At first this method of approaching his day confused me greatly. Again as I start having my problems I am able to understand more fully and to work with it. This insomnia is different than when I was first retired. At that point I never felt rested so functioning was a major struggle. I think now that I have finally had a chance to get fully rested this unsettled type of sleep allows me to get rested even if I am sleeping in shifts during the day. All of this may change down the road but for now I am able to function. If I can’t get that sense of being rested then I will have to talk to my doctor but for now I am going with it. I am grateful that the shaking has settled down and I have regained a sense of balance to where I can get around fairly well. If the medication is keeping me awake I don’t mind. In a little bit we will leave for Michigan. We are making a trip back to Michigan to do some work on our house that we rent out. Our nephew helped us with painting and cleaning the carpet and in the meantime we received a couple of notices of other things that we need to deal with. Junior built a shed and it has to be torn down. The previous renters left a big stack of wood that has to be cleared out. We have decided to go bring all the wood back with us to burn in our wood burning stove. Our nephew does not have a truck and we do so off to Michigan we go. Yesterday we packed, picked up medications and got the house in order so we can leave soon after Junior gets up. We have been in Virginia 6 years now and we have finally settled into a routine of getting things together so we can leave. We know how long it takes to get to Michigan and we are comfortable with the drive which helps also. We both have a suitcase fairly much ready to go for these trips also. At first I attempted to pack both summer and winter clothes all in one suitcase. I have since decided to pack clothes for each season we travel and then swap them as we need. At this time of the year I know I won’t need shorts or a short sleeved shirt so I don’t bother to stick them in the suitcase. Other times I pack at least one outfit for the opposite season when we are in a transition time of year. I used to pack each time we traveled and found this to take less time overall. Junior got the truck cleaned out for our traveling yesterday, we picked up medications and now all we have to do is wake up, eat and take off. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet