December 31 2015

December 31 2015 Greetings My Friend “Am I closer to God at the end of the year than I was at the start of the year?” For a few days I have started sifting through my thoughts to see where I stand in my faith journey. Today I fully contemplate my faith journey in detail. With the start of 2015 I was discovering that the deep pain of strained relationship with my daughter was not eating me alive anymore. I feel like I gave it the one more look and I see that as hurt as she is I know that I did my best during her growing up years. I could not leave craziness until I knew what stable was and what it looked like. When the time came to leave I did so with a satisfaction of “I tried everything I knew to try” and it was the end. At that point I began a new journey of faith and growing. I learned what love truly is and did my best to love as God was loving me. I mourn these days but like in death time passes and the memory never fully leaves but somehow life continues on. With this new nugget growing in me this year I have found my mental health better than it has ever been. After a few years of deep introspective work I understand my limitations more fully and I avoid triggers as much as I can. I have learned to do old things in new ways so I don’t feel limited by my limitations. At the same time I am open to keep digging into my my introspective thoughts so that I can keep growing within my limitations. The heat of summer brought the usual struggle with asthma. I have learned to lean into it, allow myself to sleep, to move slower while coping with congestion. As summer gave way to fall my congestion was leaving but I struggled more so trying to move about, I had a weakness that was making me weak and walking on my own steam was giving way to using my walker. It hit me that I had another problem besides asthma and finally went in to see the doctor. A short stint in the hospital to rule out heart trouble my doctor then gave me another medication. This medication has helped tremendously. I continue to be on an upward swing. As I look upon these events I see God’s hand on me. I can say God has given me the courage to keep on going, to face the scary moments with courage and fear is kept at bay. When I was in a panic state my doctor noticed and gave me medication to quiet my concerns down. At this point I struggle to overcome panic on my own and only with prayer. I am on medication that helps me and I feel God has put this medication in my path because some of “wires” in my brain have been permanently damaged so the medication keeps those “wires” in check. I have been asking God due to concerns about medication. To be honest I feel so much stronger these days and God’s blessing that this is what I need. My comments to a few close friends in recent days finds me telling them that for the first time in my life my emotional health is the best it has ever has been. My day to day life allows me to be, do and make decisions without the constant questioning of myself as I have for most of my life. I am older and I am okay with this. Junior and my relationship is closer and we both keep taking our marriage to God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet