February 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, On the way to church today Junior said that he is starting the kitchen. I was shocked but very happy to hear that the kitchen is going to be done in the near future. As he is working on the kitchen he is also working outside on the new porch which will be off of our master bedroom down the road. This porch will also be off the bedroom and means the dogs won’t be able to overpower me with their love etc. There also won’t be puppy chewed up mess to walk through all the time. That is exciting me. Junior has J over helping and soon he should be getting a job so we are trying to use him while we can. So Junior continues to do a few jobs at one time and it continues to be hard for me to see his vision. Still I have learned that Junior will finish what he starts and we will have finished house. So I go in faith that my Man will one day be done and the house will be complete. My mind keeps toying with “it will be done one day”. Junior will do some projects with the idea he will come back and upgrade through the years. We will keep the kitchen sink for now and replace it down the road. The goal is to get our home to a point of done and then go back and upgrade where we can. I think Junior doesn’t mind having work to do for a few more years. He tends to see his “job” as renovating and having things to work on for many years is not bad. I am good with his plan and don’t mind getting most of the stuff done and going back and putting finishing touches on. It works for me. I also see that I will have a real home and then we could go back and get even nicer things down the road. I also see that once the house is more finished I won’t be so in a state of flux that I should be able to keep it clean like the “old” Janet. That excites me because I don’t operate so well in a state of flux. I need order to feel whole and able to function. Going on three years in this home and the state of flux has been rough. The thought of a finished home, well I could be happy with that. Once the kitchen is done then the last room/rooms will be the enclosed porches and a master bedroom. At that point I will finally get a bathtub which I’ve longed for a long time now. I can see me soaking in a deep soaker tub and loving it. I am also anxious to see what Junior will do with the yard. He is so creative and seeing his projects come to fruition is exciting to me. I must say having so many dogs does not help with the looks of the yard. They seem to find something to chew on and our yard is often littered with dolls, toys and the like. Again down the road having a porch where we enter from our bedroom and no dogs can come out there on their own appeals to me. I hope to put a small fridge and a coffee pot near the porch would be awesome because I could get up, have breakfast outside with no friends to help litter up the porch. I also see me with my laptop out on the porch writing. The dreams still come and that is exciting to me. Instead of dreaming about a new house these days my dreams center on the next project. For the first time in my life I am not dreaming about the “next” house. Because it will take years I don’t think I will ever want to move again which again excites me. I continue to love the area and the house we have moved to. It is beautiful. The weather suits both Junior and I which is weird since I’d rather be in warm weather and Junior likes winter. The average winter temperature is 40 degrees. I can live with that. When it snows out here the snow is gone within a couple of days. Again that is good. As we see the end in sight I also my health seems to be coming under control. I will have health struggles like using a cane for the rest of my life but I am good with that. My sleep is way better. My emotions are on the upswing. I have not had to deal with the Ex in years now. He shows up in small ways like on FB in pictures, comments to the son but over all I am finally feeling free from the past. My counselor told me that I handled the last upset fairly well and I should realize that I will more than likely run into these situations through the years. With us in another state and no more family gatherings at least for a while I am able to finally feel at peace. I also see that if there is a time where we are at a gathering I will more than likely ask him to move on. If he wants to make me look bad, I can leave. For the first time I don’t feel a victim to his antics. I have wanted to not make a scene for our children’s sake and at this point I no longer worry about it. It is hard for me to see an end to all our work but I am very excited for that day. We will travel, I will write maybe another book, my blog and life settles into a comfortable retirement. I am hoping to meet a cousin I have yet to meet. I met her on the phone and I am anxious for our retirement to move forward. Again I see my faith journey has brought me to this day. I will have more struggles I am sure. Having God in my life gives me the courage to face whatever comes my way. May God bless you and keep, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, One of the most comforting things I love about Jesus is that he loved the lost, the lonely and the hurting. One of the most comforting lessons I have is when Jesus is at the well asking for a drink of water from the woman. She tells Jesus she has been married 5 times and is living with a man. Jesus tells her He is the living water and she believes Him. She goes into town and tells people that He knew her without her telling Him. I find such warmth and comfort in Jesus accepting this very unacceptable type of person. When I focus on this woman and how unacceptable she was in her society I find that if she was a wanted child of God then God wants me too. Since my divorce I have felt so unwanted by my family. It has been the hardest thing for me to overcome. When I read this about the woman at the well I always find a seed of hope rising up in me. There have been the moments where God has held me so tenderly. Then I begin to see who is in my life now and again I see that I am a wanted woman. I am loved. I am looked up to at times which feels nice. My friends think I am smart and funny. The more I focus on the ones in my life that enjoy me the more I find I have courage and hope. The more courage and hope I have the more I am able to move out of the pain of not being wanted. For the longest time I felt to tell the Good News about Jesus meant a willingness to mention God in every sentence. I am finally getting that it is also the way I handle my life which often speaks louder than any words can. As I hurt and go to prayer God has shown me how He was using my aloofness for His advantage and making me look bad. As God has sent me to the porch to watch nature unfold in front of me I find the beauty that God created and quietness enter my heart. Then there are the times God has put someone in my path. I think back to the time we went to buy a crock pot and we stopped for an ice cream. We sat down on the bench and a woman sat next to us. She was unhappy in her marriage. Both Junior and I know that a divorce is not always the answer for unhappiness. We told her about a program at our church to help struggling marriages. We gave her an opportunity to save her marriage. In that program she had the possibility of meeting Jesus and finding peace within her life. After I retired Junior and I were setting on our front porch and a lady stopped to talk to us. She had interviewed at the group home next door. She talked and then asked for a ride home. We took her home and for a few months we helped her in small ways. We gave her rides, some old furniture and some food. We moved to VA shortly after so we’ve lost touch with her. Out here B has become such a good friend. She also has financial struggles. She watches our babies when we travel and we pay her. Her son often will help Junior and he pays the son. J can do some of the hard stuff Junior can’t so it works out real nice for us. My niece came to live with us for a year. She was such a bright spot in our lives, almost like a daughter to us since we never could have children together. We got to impart our faith to her and as she has settled into adult life she has continued on in faith. Her mother also had given her a love of Jesus but we were able to live our faith as well and she seemed to grow even more in it. Again I am learning that I don’t have to say “God and Jesus” in every sentence and it is more how I handle my life than the telling that will get the message across. It is my consistent reading the Bible and prayer life that I tend to find myself growing and then being able to “go out into the world.” Some days the “go out into the world” is having the ability to walk out my front door without the despair that would like to run havoc in my life. It is the smile on my face and the belief that I matter that speaks louder than words. I am truly learning that it is how I handle the day to day junk that happens more than words. I find such a relief in that to be honest. I never knew what “words” to say and now I am learning that my actions speak louder than words. It is being the wife Junior needs, the friend B needs and helping the poor whether it is donating or helping a person out directly. I don’t have a need to gossip. That one was hard to let go of. I don’t have a need to get even. I don’t have a need to use my fists when someone won’t listen to me. I’ve grown out of so many bad habits and frankly that feels wonderful. These days I find that God is helping me move past despair and into a day to day life of comfort. Some days I do real good and some days I need to start over .But in the long run though I am finding myself moving forward more than backward which feels awesome because I don’t feel the despair I have known for most of my life. I find I live with hope and that feels wonderful. My hope is Jesus Christ. What is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, We just got back from a run to town for lunch a hamburger, a trip to the dollar store for hand soap and a trip to the car wash. Running around with Junior and spending a day with him is about the best fun I know anymore. His unassuming ways are so much fun to me. We don’t argue, we laugh at the other ones jokes and an afternoon with him is about as fun as life gets for me. He got a little hard to be around when he ran out of Paxil and before he got some more. With Junior though I can easily figure out what is bothering him. I leave him alone and when he is feeling calmer, nicer we hook up again and enjoy each other. I have studied Junior and his ways and for the most part I know when to back off and leave him alone. I know he isn’t going scream or go crazy when I do something like drive our car into a ditch. He isn’t happy with me and I know it but I never get slugged, yelled at or stuff like that. I know to be quiet, to let Junior process his anger alone and he will forgive me and we move on. That is a wonderful thing with Junior, I can handle his anger. He does not scare me to pieces. He lets me know he is not pleased with me and we move on. I also can tell Junior to “stop” and he will. I don’t like hearing things and Junior is good enough to hear me when I say “stop.” I used to tell him to take “that” back and he did. Now I just tell him “stop.” Junior may not have changed his mind about what he thought about me but he will stop when I ask him to stop. Prior to Junior I had never seen a man who could keep his anger in check so this man is a marvel to me. Is my husband perfect? No he is not? I love being with him though. Junior has an opinion and does not mind sharing it. He does not care if your feelings may be hurt he still will tell people what he believes to be the truth. I sure wish he was not this way but again he treats me like I am special and I am willing to deal with his warts. Junior has been used to being the unlikable person from his childhood on and at this point in his life he isn’t concerned whether he is seen as a nice guy or not. His main goal is God. I find that precious and frankly I benefit from his love of God. Junior tries to treat me like he hears God telling him to treat me and for that I am so grateful. I’m not sure by the world’s standard Junior is considered handsome. In my eyes though he is and a lot of his looking handsome to me is the way I am treated. The longer I am with Junior the more handsome he gets in my eyes. We understand each other like we have never understood another mate in our lives. We laugh, we hang out at the house day in and day out. We run our errands and frankly I love this new boring life I’ve been handed. I love that we go months without an argument. I love that when Junior snaps at me I know to ask a question or two and then I know to leave him alone because he may be struggling with PTSD, pain etc. I also know that our fights won’t last long and that feels so good. For 40 some years I lived in drama. I am a dramatic woman from time to time. I can’t just tell the story flat out I add drama to most stories. It was all I knew and I lived it. It was hard adjusting to Junior’s very unassuming ways. Once I did though I have fallen in love with this life style. There is no way I could work again. I can’t. My health stinks frankly. I am grateful that I was able to retire and I can do life with the energy level I have these days. If I can’t keep the house spotless, Junior doesn’t mind. If I can’t cook, he will or we will go out and he isn’t upset. We enjoy each other’s company and frankly that feels wonderful. Junior accepts my warts and I am thankful. He may not be the most popular of guys and to me though he is awesome. He will defend me if I need defending. He will listen over and over until his eyes glaze over till I work out my issues in life. Junior’s pain level is such that sleeping in bed is out of the question. He sleeps in the recliner at night most nights now. I was in an up and down mode the other night and Junior was sleeping in the recliner. Our new cat was in front of the TV batting at the screen. I tried to see if I could wake Junior up so he could chuckle along with me. He did not wake up so I chuckled and watched TV. Junior is generally easy to wake up and not cranky. I also appreciate that. He will chat with me and then go right back to sleep. So I don’t feel bad when I want to share a moment here and there. It is not something I do all that often. Still on occasion I will see if he will wake up to share a moment with him. I believe God brought the two of us together. I believe by listening to God I was given a man to live with, to love and to share life. Our years are full of good and pleasant memories. Our fights have been few and far between. The longer we are together the less we fight, we’ve figured out those rough spots and don’t enter into them as often these days. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 16, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am done trying to beat myself up because I did not measure up to what others thought I should be. I feel God telling yet again that if He will accept me warts and all what more do I need? So I begin to accept the not so perfect pieces of me from my past and even now. I begin to let go of the “I should haves” and accept I am where I am now in the Lord. I on my own would be curled up in a ball and crying and not doing life. In the Lord I find a reason to face each and every day so what was happened and I can’t change it and frankly I need to live and move on. In my heart I say “I’m sorry” yet again and then I find myself facing the new day in the Lord. With God guiding me I find that I have purpose, a reason and I live life as fully as I am able in the Lord. What happened in the past well that is then and this is now. With God guiding my steps I no longer feel that life is hopeless and helpless. As I continue to do holidays without my kids and grandkids around I find life continues on. We spend time with B and J and we enjoy the day. This year I forgot to thaw the turkey out. We thawed the turkey out and then celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday instead of Thanksgiving Day. They chuckled along with me for the silly mistake I made. They ate dinner on Saturday and were happy with me. I could berate myself to no end or move on. The older I get the less I’m into berating myself and I have decided that when life hands me lemons, I will make lemonade. Again I hear “Why did you stay, you made good money….” I have fussed at myself for the last time. I’m sorry I stayed. I stayed because I truly did not think I could survive on my own. I did not want to face poverty again. So sue me! God knows I did the best I could with my life. If you can’t understand, well, I am sad but I can’t change what was. God continues to remind me how much He loves me. I see D and P and J, and then M and M comes to mind. I go to Sunday school and feel very loved and wanted. I walk in our door and am greeted by warm fuzzy animals who love me to no end. Junior sleeps in the recliner many nights now due back struggles and I wake up with a warm furry body curled up to my back and feel loved. Petey and Tiger are young cats that reside with us and run all around chasing each other. I laugh and feel warmth and their young antics. Then I take my walks and feel God’s love. The beauty is outstanding. So people find me to be repulsive but God loves me and I find myself looking to God for my approval these days. I wasn’t the best mother, I wasn’t the worst. I should have left and did not. I can cry from now till the cows come home or I can move on and try to enjoy life. I prefer moving on and finding myself worth in the Lord. I can’t change the past and my goal is to live now and be the woman God is creating me to be. God says to me often “Janet I love you, I will never leave you or forsake you” I see that with the man I am married to. This man has not always been the most popular of guys. He tells me in his own special ways that I am his woman and he is going to take care of me the best he knows and I feel so loved and wanted. He may have his rough edges but with me he is tender and caring. So if people don’t appreciate my man, there is not a lot I can do to change their minds. He is the one who has held me as I cried over my lost relationships. He is the one taking me to doctor after doctor appointment as we struggle to figure out why my body is no longer doing what it once did. He is here holding me, loving me and we share life. So if others don’t like this man. That is their right. I love him. I am loyal to him even if he seems strange to others. I asked God when I went to marry this man if I should and God said “Go” and I have not looked back. My life is the most peaceful it ever has been. I like the woman God is creating me to be. I like the man God has placed me with. Yup life is truly sweet these days. I am sad I stayed with a man for so long who thought I was his personal punching bag. I am sorry that I still struggle with memories and he thinks I should be over it by now. Still it is to God I turn for love, for support and God gives me the strength to quit beating myself up for my mistakes. God often reminds me that I did the best I could with the information I had. God knows I loved those kids with all I had. I loved my first husband for many years and then one day I realized that he was not going to change. God allowed the divorce to happen even though I prayed to have the marriage work out. I have found peace. I will live in God’s peace and if other’s can’t accept what decisions I made back then or now, well I’m not looking for their approval but for God’s. Only in Christ I have peace…..thank you Lord Jesus! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am up and going through my morning routine of FBing, reading my daily Scripture passages online and journaling. The house is quiet. B and J are here and sleeping. They tend to stay up half the night and sleep most of the day. Junior has had his nap and is back to his putzing around. I am alone with my thoughts and enjoying the quiet. I am in the last stages of a cold. I took vitamin C and I feel the cold leaving my system already so that is a nice feeling. I’ve talked to M and her retirement seems to be going the way mine went. First she was let go due to breaking her leg. Then she has come down with shingles. That is how I felt when I retired I kept running into roadblocks with my health. I believe I’m on the other side of my struggles finally and can begin enjoying retirement more fully now. I don’t think I will ever get the burst of energy I had at one point in my life but I am finding that I can do what I once did only a lot slower. That is ok. I love the walks out here in VA. I love the quiet neighborhood we live in. I love the horses, wild animals etc. For me retirement seems to finally have the peace I’ve longed for most of my life. We have enough money to live on and that feels wonderful as well. I’m not a high maintance type of woman. Junior loves me because I am easy to please. He loves that I don’t need the “best” or the fanciest stuff. I like being with Junior and find that is about the best gift I’ve been given. Junior was told he was boring by several women he dated when he became single again. To me I love Junior’s boring ways. There is no drama in our lives and after living in drama for 40 some years I like living in “boring” now. I marvel that a trip to town is fun. Our sitting side by side in our recliners watching TV at night is fun. I love watching Junior wander around renovating the house. He seems he is doing little or nothing and then all of a sudden a room is finished and looks awesome. Junior’s way of working is foreign to me. At first I found myself getting frustrated and then I started asking God to help me accept this man and the way he does his life. God has been faithful and has shown me that Junior is giving me his best in the way he does life. So as I take my frustration to God I find a peace and contentment settle within me. As I see finished products of his labor I am amazed and in awe of what this man is capable of. I love learning to see Junior’s strong points and not focusing on his not so strong points. It is a blessing. Junior tends to be a bit upfront with his words. He is not generally understood and can sound harsh. God has taught me though to look at Junior’s heart. That is what I have come to love in my man, his heart. He has a tender heart for the lost and lonely of the world. We often will reach out and help people that are in need of a friend or even “things.” I heard about Junior’s short coming yet again the other day. Junior told someone they were fat. Yep that is blunt and to the point. I’d rather he did not do that but he is who he is. It is what he knows and does so I can be angry at him constantly or I can begin to see beyond the roughness that is part of who Junior is. God has taught me to look past the roughness. I have never been touched tenderly by a man until I met Junior. I have never had a person look out for my best interests until I met Junior. Since the fall, I see how much I mean to this man and he is going to stay by my side no matter what. So I accept that Junior has flaws. I’d rather he didn’t but to be realistic, we all have flaws and over all Junior is a gem. I’d rather be with no other man than Junior. Through the years I’ve learned to tell Junior that I don’t want to hear things, like I’m lazy. He was big on letting me know I was lazy after I retired. As the years went on we found that I wasn’t lazy but had issues that I had no control over. So I told him he can’t say those things anymore, I give him what I can when I can and he is accepting that. As upfront as Junior can be he accepts when I get in his face so to speak. I tell Junior that I don’t want him saying things or doing some things. He stops and accepts my upfront attitude. As I have found out that some of my “laziness” is due to being older and health issues and Junior sees me doing what I can when I can, he begins to truly accept me for what I can do these days. Junior understands as well on another level. He is minus a foot, has horrible back problems and he struggles to do everyday things often. As I accept Junior for what he can do, he begins to accept me for what I can do. I marvel that we have so many similar struggles and yet different. We both struggle with PTSD. Junior gets angry easily at times with his PTSD and with mine, I talk and talk about my fear. He is a man and I am a woman and we handle life the way we are wired to handle life, anger or talking. We both had crazy growing up years. We had a crazy first marriage and we come together understanding each other as many people can’t. God has shown me love in so many beautiful ways. Junior can seem to be too upfront but I understand him and he understands me. I believe God brought us together and when I asked God if I should marry this man, God told me to go and not look back. So Junior has his flaws for sure. I love him like no tomorrow as well. He is good to me and I give this man my heart. I am his helpmate and I love it. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

Feburary 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I found the box again. It has been part of my life for decades and for some reason when I see and go through it I am transported to a time before I was born. I sense Grandma as a young girl who just lost her mother going through her mother's bedroom looking for things to remembwer her by. I love touching the old handerchief, the old cemetery plot card, the old sweater guards and trying hard to imagine the 7 year old child losing her mother. I then remember her stories. Great Grandpa would tie a string to Grandma's toes at night because she kept waking up with nightmares. She was to tug on the string if she needed her Dad to come comfort her. I always find that precious beyond words. As I sift through the box many of Grandma's stories come to mind. The time their Daved shaved their heads when they come home with head lice, it did not matter that the girl's heads were shaved along the their brother. Dad could not afford to miss work and this was the way to handle the situation. It seems cruel by today's standards but back then...well the kids did not like it but I sense they understood as well. I hear once again about all the caregivers their father got and how the kids ran them off. I remember the story about the time Great Grandpa wanted the wallpaper torn down and the hose the kids got and watered the wall with thus soaking the wall to a mess beyond words. Then there was the time Grandma had put on her brother's pants because she didn't like wearing a dress or the time Grandpa caught the kids smoking. I hear about Great Grandpa's tenderness with his daughter who seemed to be sick a whole lot. She had an abscess in her ear and was at the hospital to get it removed when it broke and made a mess and she did not need the surgery. Grandma's eyes were real bad due to measles. She always wore real thick glasses and you often wondered how in the world she was able to see. She did not learn to do hand sewing because she could not see. As a young mother I spent hours and hours visiting Grandma. My son was in preschool near her house and it was a favorite stop while I waited for him to get done to pick up again. Grand would make us a cup of tea, get out her cheetos and we'd eat them talking and loving on each other. I grew to know Grandma's stories and often felt I was living them right alongside of her. I lover her telling and retelling of her stories. Mom used to get aggravated at the same story being told over and over but for me I often found myself transformed back in time alongside of Grandma. Oh there was the time Great Grandpa took the kids to the cemetery to see their mother in an old Model T Ford. He had to crank the front of the car to get it started. Then the tire blew out on them and he had to change it. I feel Great Grandpa trying to see his wife with his kids and a car that was not working and how hard that must have been. I can almost imagine a time a world that was so different than mine. They had no TV, electricty was fairly new and expensive and cars were not as reliable as they are today. I can almost see Grandma and Aunt Gert taking a street car downtown. I can feel the young women's excitement as they went to a Speak Easy bar. I can see their flapper dresses. There is a picture of Grandma in one and she always told how her mother-in-law was upset that she wore a dress like that. This box takes me back in time each time I open it. I remember the stories about Grandma being a little girl who lost her mother. I think of Grandma as a young girl asking her Dad if she could quit school in the sixth grade so she could work in the school cafeteria and make money. His response was it did not matter since she was a girl and a man would one day take care of her and an education did not matter since she was a girl. Today I get upset that he would say such a thing but back then and education was not what it is today. I understand history a bit better by living Grandma's turn of the century life. I learn how people often coped with the stresses of life in that time frame. I also marvel at how people got through their life without all the modern convenieces we have today. I tend to see how God was part of the culture back then, even if the people did not go to church as Grandma's family did not. I was accepted that God was God and good behavior aligned with the teaching in the Bible. Back then if people did not go to church they did not berate people for not believing in God because most people believed in God. There was not making excuses because we said "God or Jesus" and the like. In America at the turn of the 1900's God was God and people did not have to apologize for their belief. When I was growing up we said a prayer each and every morning before starting school. We said the pledge of allegiance and it was accepted without much thought. A lot of my friends were catholic and I was protestant but we enjoyed each other anyway. The Catholic boys often wore Saint Chirstopher metals on their necs and I always thought that was attractive. I went to vacation Bible school with my Bapist friends and took them to the Presbyterian Bible school classes when our church had them. It seemed most important to have a belief in God and to walk with God than it mattered on what religon you were. The different Bible sschools were available for us to choose which church to worship in as we got older. I believe it is wise to learn what went on before in history. I believe that our aversion to God these days only harms us and it is not healthy. That is what I believe. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 6, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My thoughts are on God again today. In God I have found a sense of self-worth and acceptance of whom and what I am. I am no longer the woman who wants the world to love her and accept her. If God likes the person I am and is changing me, I’m content with that these days. God forgives our sins when we ask Him to. God forgives them as far as the east is to the west. My understanding is that east and west never align up. So that is remarkable that God forgives me for those things I once was, did…..in that I accept that at one point in my life I was awful and now in God’s eyes I am to die for. Junior is the one I watch and am in awe of. Junior’s life before Christ was very not nice. I more than likely would have been afraid of him big time. In Christ though Junior is so gentle and kind and I love him to pieces. Junior’s goal is to love me as He hears God teaching him to love me in the Bible and in prayer….that has been awesome for me to accept and learn. The more Junior loves me as he hears God teaching him I find I want to love Junior as I hear God teaching me. As I state often I pray for our marriage. One failed marriage was awful and frankly I’d like to not do that again. I pray pretty much daily for this marriage. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I made the first time around. I remember thinking that everyone else seemed to understand what marriage was and what their part was and I felt confused big time. In prayer I now feel more able to deal with that strange man I am married to. God gives me patience when I’d like to berate this man. God gives me understanding when I’d rather do things my own way. God also points out times for me to say just the right words to reach into Junior’s heart with all the love I have. On my own…..I’d have probably drove this precious man out the door without a backward glance. I’d have done it with all kinds of love too. Junior hates when people fuss over him when he is hurting. He wants to deal with his hurt quietly and by himself. He wants patience when he can’t do what he wants to. Many times when we are staying in a motel or such Junior quietly requests a certain side of the bed. It is easier for him to maneuver around on that side so I get in bed on the other side. I could sleep on that side. I could insist on my own way. But from the start God has showed me to quietly allow Junior to choose what he needs so he can maneuver around without his proteases on. Junior does not want a lot of attention given to his disability so we figure things out without a lot of conversation. Sometimes I ask too many questions and Junior lets me know that he does not want to go into detailed discussions about his disability, his sore back and the like. I learn to stop talking by the way Junior responds to me. He will often say at a later time he appreciates that I let the subject go. Titus 2 is one of my favorite scripture passages. It admonishes women to love their husband and children. We are to set the example of Christ like behavior. We are to love and frankly my loving attitude at times can be annoying. I don’t mean to be but I am. So I read the Bible and reread it year after year. I am amazed at the lessons I get as I go through the Bible year after year. I also pray asking God to be the wife Junior needs, not a cookie cutter mold of what the world thinks I should be. That has been an awesome lesson to learn. There is no clear cut way to love Junior or any man. Each has a different background. There are the similar things but each man is different so I need to be in tuned to my husband’s unique ways. I only can do this by reading my Bible and prayer. Another verse that opens my eyes is “Wives respect your husbands.” That has been such an eye opener. I tried for years to love the man I was with the way I as a woman want to be loved. I want to feel precious, to think I’m the only one etc. Junior wants my respect. What is respect? Frankly more often than not I’m clueless as to what respect looks like so again I pray and pray. God tends to guide me to respect Junior and not get fussy all over him. He hates that fussy stuff. He loves when I admire his work, his muscles and the man he is in general. From time to time I will ask Junior how I am doing. I mostly hear that I am respecting him in the way he needs to be respected. He likes that I don’t constantly comment when his back is hurting. I will ask from time to time especially if he just bit off my face so to speak. Junior will be honest and I will pull back more and leave him alone. He will later come to me and tell me he appreciates that I backed off so he could deal with his pain alone. That helps me a ton. He gets what he needs and when he feels he is given the peace he needs he feels loved. For me, I need Junior to tag along to many of my doctor appointments. He helps me remember what I need to do. Sometimes he gives me strength by his quiet presence. I want to panic and I don’t because he is near and comforting me. When I came to after I fell and broke my vertebrae I saw Junior’s face. He was gentle and kind and I did not panic. As the pain set in I was able to cope with the pain. I did talk a lot. That’s what I do as a woman but in the talking I was working up my courage to be brave. I went for several hours due to the long drive to the hospital without pain medication. The talking and being silly kept me from crying and ranting and all the other stuff. Junior understood that on some level and frankly he has discovered in all of that that I am brave. I know pain. I don’t get quite like he does. I need to talk to be brave. It is who I am. Junior I believe has learned that I am not a man and I need to talk my way through my struggles. I have learned Junior is not a woman and as a man he needs to work through his struggles on his own. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 2, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior is home from his trip to California. He is in the chair next to mine and talking to an old friend and it is music to my years. I was up and down so I slept late and I woke up hearing Junior move around the house quietly. I heard the washer humming and again it was such a sweet moment. When my children were little I would do a week with the teens at church and leave my children with my parents. I always felt that the time away was for us to do different things and then come together and tell about what we did. For a while we even kept a journal of what we did so we could share with each other. They got to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa and I got to give time to young adults. I had a good week while Junior was gone and it feels wonderful to have him home again. We are catching up on all our stuff and frankly it is nice. I feel alongside of Junior the moments of the funeral, the time with old friends and it is precious. That is one of the most beautiful moments for me. I know deep inside of me that this man wants to be with me and share life with me and he wants no other woman. Yup, that is a precious feeling. It seems strange but making a statement that we truly want to be with no other seems to have let down the fear barriers of being replaced down the road. In that I feel safe enough to just love him knowing he isn’t going to walk out the door for some fraction. He is here for the long haul and again that feels so safe and wonderful. Again as I struggled with my fall I began to truly get the depth of Junior’s love for me. For most of my life I was given up on when I did not meet the exact expectations of those I was close to. It has been hard for me to realize that I can be a little much to deal with at times and I won’t be tossed to the curb. I don’t mean to be hard to deal with but if I am honest we all have those moments. Junior has come alongside of me and taken me “for better or for worse” and frankly that feels wonderful. I do try to be easy to get along with but frankly we all have moments. I am told often that I am fairly easy going but again we all have those moments. I do have my own thoughts and I don’t always back down so I know that at times can be a challenge. I’ve been like that since I was very young. I love to fight for a cause. It is who I am. As much as I’d rather be a complacent person, I am not. I try hard to be but soon my thoughts are coming out of my mouth and well. Now I don’t argue each and everything but I will stand up for an injustice if I sense it is one. Junior accepts this quirk in my personality and frankly that feels nice. Junior and I tend to have the same goals in life, the same beliefs so we don’t argue between ourselves very often. He has stood beside me when I needed him to stick up for me and frankly that is a wonderful feeling. He also lets me know when I’m off track in my thinking. That is nice to. I know that Junior wants my best and is not interested in being better than me. That helps me a ton. I sort through his comments and I am willing to change my view when I know that he wants my best. I read my blog to Junior. I read it out loud so I “hear” how it sounds and then with Junior’s ears I also hear how I am coming across. Junior is Godly and I look to him to help me present the God of the Bible not my own interpretation of God. I want to give the God of the Bible to people. It is that God that has held me so tenderly and grown me to the person I am today. I want to share Him with everyone and for me I have the opportunity to share Him in the blog. I also try to live day to day as if God were my God. Since I have begun this faith journey I have felt God’s love and acceptance of who I am. It feels wonderful when I have felt God’s hugs, love and tenderness. That is another thing. God loves me and corrects me tenderly. God knows that once I get my back up I tend to become hard headed and God teaches me through tenderness. Once in a while God will get stern with me but mostly God gives me tenderness which I need so desperately. I respond with God’s tenderness and grow and I’m amazed. God knows me so well and what will open my eyes to the truth and yup I’m amazed. I have a peace that “passes all understanding.” It amazes me often. I am God’s child and that feels wonderful. I am not a mistake. God loves me where I am and then He begins to do a work in me. I am learning the places God wants me to be….not just at church but in life in general. I like that. For a long time I felt the only place to serve God was in a church setting. Nope, it is when I befriend a neighbor, a child or I am a loving wife to my husband. Men want respect and loving Junior means I need to respect the person he is. Frankly respect is a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around at times so I go to prayer asking God to guide me and God does. If you were to ask Junior he’d tell you I respect him. I don’t know what I did and I believe it is God’s guidance that helps me to give Junior what he needs. Are you asking God to guide you? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet