February 16, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am done trying to beat myself up because I did not measure up to what others thought I should be. I feel God telling yet again that if He will accept me warts and all what more do I need? So I begin to accept the not so perfect pieces of me from my past and even now. I begin to let go of the “I should haves” and accept I am where I am now in the Lord. I on my own would be curled up in a ball and crying and not doing life. In the Lord I find a reason to face each and every day so what was happened and I can’t change it and frankly I need to live and move on. In my heart I say “I’m sorry” yet again and then I find myself facing the new day in the Lord. With God guiding me I find that I have purpose, a reason and I live life as fully as I am able in the Lord. What happened in the past well that is then and this is now. With God guiding my steps I no longer feel that life is hopeless and helpless. As I continue to do holidays without my kids and grandkids around I find life continues on. We spend time with B and J and we enjoy the day. This year I forgot to thaw the turkey out. We thawed the turkey out and then celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday instead of Thanksgiving Day. They chuckled along with me for the silly mistake I made. They ate dinner on Saturday and were happy with me. I could berate myself to no end or move on. The older I get the less I’m into berating myself and I have decided that when life hands me lemons, I will make lemonade. Again I hear “Why did you stay, you made good money….” I have fussed at myself for the last time. I’m sorry I stayed. I stayed because I truly did not think I could survive on my own. I did not want to face poverty again. So sue me! God knows I did the best I could with my life. If you can’t understand, well, I am sad but I can’t change what was. God continues to remind me how much He loves me. I see D and P and J, and then M and M comes to mind. I go to Sunday school and feel very loved and wanted. I walk in our door and am greeted by warm fuzzy animals who love me to no end. Junior sleeps in the recliner many nights now due back struggles and I wake up with a warm furry body curled up to my back and feel loved. Petey and Tiger are young cats that reside with us and run all around chasing each other. I laugh and feel warmth and their young antics. Then I take my walks and feel God’s love. The beauty is outstanding. So people find me to be repulsive but God loves me and I find myself looking to God for my approval these days. I wasn’t the best mother, I wasn’t the worst. I should have left and did not. I can cry from now till the cows come home or I can move on and try to enjoy life. I prefer moving on and finding myself worth in the Lord. I can’t change the past and my goal is to live now and be the woman God is creating me to be. God says to me often “Janet I love you, I will never leave you or forsake you” I see that with the man I am married to. This man has not always been the most popular of guys. He tells me in his own special ways that I am his woman and he is going to take care of me the best he knows and I feel so loved and wanted. He may have his rough edges but with me he is tender and caring. So if people don’t appreciate my man, there is not a lot I can do to change their minds. He is the one who has held me as I cried over my lost relationships. He is the one taking me to doctor after doctor appointment as we struggle to figure out why my body is no longer doing what it once did. He is here holding me, loving me and we share life. So if others don’t like this man. That is their right. I love him. I am loyal to him even if he seems strange to others. I asked God when I went to marry this man if I should and God said “Go” and I have not looked back. My life is the most peaceful it ever has been. I like the woman God is creating me to be. I like the man God has placed me with. Yup life is truly sweet these days. I am sad I stayed with a man for so long who thought I was his personal punching bag. I am sorry that I still struggle with memories and he thinks I should be over it by now. Still it is to God I turn for love, for support and God gives me the strength to quit beating myself up for my mistakes. God often reminds me that I did the best I could with the information I had. God knows I loved those kids with all I had. I loved my first husband for many years and then one day I realized that he was not going to change. God allowed the divorce to happen even though I prayed to have the marriage work out. I have found peace. I will live in God’s peace and if other’s can’t accept what decisions I made back then or now, well I’m not looking for their approval but for God’s. Only in Christ I have peace…..thank you Lord Jesus! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet