February 6, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My thoughts are on God again today. In God I have found a sense of self-worth and acceptance of whom and what I am. I am no longer the woman who wants the world to love her and accept her. If God likes the person I am and is changing me, I’m content with that these days. God forgives our sins when we ask Him to. God forgives them as far as the east is to the west. My understanding is that east and west never align up. So that is remarkable that God forgives me for those things I once was, did…..in that I accept that at one point in my life I was awful and now in God’s eyes I am to die for. Junior is the one I watch and am in awe of. Junior’s life before Christ was very not nice. I more than likely would have been afraid of him big time. In Christ though Junior is so gentle and kind and I love him to pieces. Junior’s goal is to love me as He hears God teaching him to love me in the Bible and in prayer….that has been awesome for me to accept and learn. The more Junior loves me as he hears God teaching him I find I want to love Junior as I hear God teaching me. As I state often I pray for our marriage. One failed marriage was awful and frankly I’d like to not do that again. I pray pretty much daily for this marriage. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I made the first time around. I remember thinking that everyone else seemed to understand what marriage was and what their part was and I felt confused big time. In prayer I now feel more able to deal with that strange man I am married to. God gives me patience when I’d like to berate this man. God gives me understanding when I’d rather do things my own way. God also points out times for me to say just the right words to reach into Junior’s heart with all the love I have. On my own…..I’d have probably drove this precious man out the door without a backward glance. I’d have done it with all kinds of love too. Junior hates when people fuss over him when he is hurting. He wants to deal with his hurt quietly and by himself. He wants patience when he can’t do what he wants to. Many times when we are staying in a motel or such Junior quietly requests a certain side of the bed. It is easier for him to maneuver around on that side so I get in bed on the other side. I could sleep on that side. I could insist on my own way. But from the start God has showed me to quietly allow Junior to choose what he needs so he can maneuver around without his proteases on. Junior does not want a lot of attention given to his disability so we figure things out without a lot of conversation. Sometimes I ask too many questions and Junior lets me know that he does not want to go into detailed discussions about his disability, his sore back and the like. I learn to stop talking by the way Junior responds to me. He will often say at a later time he appreciates that I let the subject go. Titus 2 is one of my favorite scripture passages. It admonishes women to love their husband and children. We are to set the example of Christ like behavior. We are to love and frankly my loving attitude at times can be annoying. I don’t mean to be but I am. So I read the Bible and reread it year after year. I am amazed at the lessons I get as I go through the Bible year after year. I also pray asking God to be the wife Junior needs, not a cookie cutter mold of what the world thinks I should be. That has been an awesome lesson to learn. There is no clear cut way to love Junior or any man. Each has a different background. There are the similar things but each man is different so I need to be in tuned to my husband’s unique ways. I only can do this by reading my Bible and prayer. Another verse that opens my eyes is “Wives respect your husbands.” That has been such an eye opener. I tried for years to love the man I was with the way I as a woman want to be loved. I want to feel precious, to think I’m the only one etc. Junior wants my respect. What is respect? Frankly more often than not I’m clueless as to what respect looks like so again I pray and pray. God tends to guide me to respect Junior and not get fussy all over him. He hates that fussy stuff. He loves when I admire his work, his muscles and the man he is in general. From time to time I will ask Junior how I am doing. I mostly hear that I am respecting him in the way he needs to be respected. He likes that I don’t constantly comment when his back is hurting. I will ask from time to time especially if he just bit off my face so to speak. Junior will be honest and I will pull back more and leave him alone. He will later come to me and tell me he appreciates that I backed off so he could deal with his pain alone. That helps me a ton. He gets what he needs and when he feels he is given the peace he needs he feels loved. For me, I need Junior to tag along to many of my doctor appointments. He helps me remember what I need to do. Sometimes he gives me strength by his quiet presence. I want to panic and I don’t because he is near and comforting me. When I came to after I fell and broke my vertebrae I saw Junior’s face. He was gentle and kind and I did not panic. As the pain set in I was able to cope with the pain. I did talk a lot. That’s what I do as a woman but in the talking I was working up my courage to be brave. I went for several hours due to the long drive to the hospital without pain medication. The talking and being silly kept me from crying and ranting and all the other stuff. Junior understood that on some level and frankly he has discovered in all of that that I am brave. I know pain. I don’t get quite like he does. I need to talk to be brave. It is who I am. Junior I believe has learned that I am not a man and I need to talk my way through my struggles. I have learned Junior is not a woman and as a man he needs to work through his struggles on his own. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet