October 30, 2012 Greetings My Friend, The curtains for the front room and enclosed porch are hung up. I have been staying on top of the housework and seeing the house picked daily feels good down deep inside of me. I love looking at the curtains. To me it is the beginning of the end of renovation chaos and again that feels ever so wonderful. We still have a ways to go before everything is done but to have the house clean and the curtains up I find I don’t feel so at loose ends anymore. I have a new spot I sit in during the day to listen to my programs on the internet and frankly I love it. My chair in the TV area is comfortable for TV watching but this chair is a place to rest, to write and I tend to do the day in and out of this chair. I have the heavy layers of dust off the entry way furniture and I’m working on the TV area getting the dust down so I can use a duster more often. Junior is cleaning the wood floors for a few days to get the heavy dirt off. We still need to have the floors refinished so I am anxious for that day to arrive. As I finish up with the inside I want to direct my attention to the porch and then to the yard by picking up the debris that has accumulated all around. I feel like I am the “old” Janet with her fairly clean home and to be honest it feels wonderful. I’m not good with a mess all over the place. I move slower these days. That is ok as well. I’m good with I can’t be what I once was, but I can have what I once had even if I move slower to get it done. To be honest…that feels wonderful and I am staying away from depression more due to a more organized life. It is who I am and that is the way it is so I accept this part in my personality. I need order in order to function well. My walks are getting longer again. I am aiming for a half hour walk each day which would take me to the end of our street, road and back again. Each walk I fall in love with our surroundings. I see mountains, forests, sometimes and a deer. We watched a small deer run back into the woods this morning and to me it was beautiful. The tail was curled up and looked real cute. The other day Junior spotted a dead copperhead that was the first one I’ve seen in the 3 years we have lived in Virginia. Dead was good. We have heard that cats will keep the snakes away so Junior has let a cat live in one of our sheds with her babies. He is so creative, her name is Shed. I get Junior’s humor and find it cute to be honest. He accepts my strange humor as well. We are well matched in the humor department along with other very similar traits. It feels nice to be well matched to my mate. We tend to have the same goals, we both love Jesus and frankly it feels very nice to be well matched to my mate. Are we exactly the same, oh no we are not. I love to have a spot for everything and everything in its place. Junior likes a bit of clutter all around him. That has been my struggle the last few years. It got to be way too much for me. I love to talk and talk and talk and Junior being a man has only so many words each day. So we have our areas that are different as day and night. For me I have learned to take Junior to prayer when I do not understand him. I am not complaining to God and I don’t think God wants me to complain. I do ask God to open my eyes and heart to this man at times so I can live with him. God has been very good at opening my eyes and heart to Junior and to be honest when I see his heart, I find myself falling deeper in love with this man. As I go through health struggles, Junior steps beside me. When the doctor told me not to drive, Junior did not insist I drive and that was so very nice. Junior is tender in so many ways and yet he often sounds rough, it is weird. I love him a ton though. I would not want to be anywhere else but with Junior. As I was rolling on the ground when I fell and broke my vertebrae, Junior maintained a calm presence. He was fairly shook up but for my sake he presented a calm front. He took me to the hospital and did not get all edgy. I really appreciated his ability to keep himself under control so I would not panic. We had M here at the time and we needed to take her home to Michigan. I was left at the hospital which was a good place for me and Junior took her home. I could tell he wasn’t real thrilled with this project and leaving me at the hospital but we also had to get M home. So I knew I was on my man’s heart and frankly that felt good. Some days Junior’s back hurts him a lot, especially when he over does it, like putting a carport in. He needs to slow down and sit a lot. I am good with that to be honest. I sometimes think he takes on more than he should but I won’t tell him that. His body will tell him to stop and then I don’t have to nag him. It works. I see us enjoying our older years. We have the friendship we have longed a lifetime for. We work hard at trying to understand the other one and then we also seek each other’s highest good. In all of this I find life to be sweet. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 27, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am loving being able to hear my favorite radio preachers etc. I am moving and doing and frankly it feels wonderful. I do stop and sit and hopefully I can soon do a day without the constant stopping but if it keeps up I am ok with that. One of the thoughts I ponder from time to time is what I wear to church. I have changed through the years and at this point I believe it is not what I am wearing but where my heart is. For me I believe when God had the priests put on underwear that said volumes. They were to put on underwear so they would not inadvertently expose themselves. That was the biggest lesson I learned in the OT. Oh and being clean. God was often telling them to wash up before a get together time. I see the washing up in a couple of ways. God wants us to clean our bodies and I believe if God wants a clean body then it is for our health that we need to clean them. The other part of the washing I also associate with the heart. God wants us clean from the inside to the outside. He wants my thoughts to not focus on filth or anger etc. God wants me to consistently clean my heart. In the NT I find the teaching for women to not focus on our looks that much. I find God wants us to be more focused on what He considers important. For me I can get into make-up a bit too much. I miss the days where I had eye shadow on each and every day. I felt like a girl with it on. I can’t wear it anymore due to allergies. I started doing some make-up routines in recent years and I am finding that I don’t have the need anymore. Junior loves me with or without make-up. He finds me attractive in almost any situation. He has thought I was cute with a few pounds on me. He thinks I’m cute at a better weight too. For the first time in my life I have discovered that men like their women the inside part more than the outside part. Junior loves me because I care for him and am not ashamed to be seen with him. It isn’t all about my looks. He does enjoy looking on occasion but I am his beauty, he will tell you so. My girl behavior at present seems focused on my hair. I’ve grown it out some and it gets in my way sometimes. My nose will itch and I want to pull it back so I am toying with hair clips and bands and frankly I am having fun. The little bit of color is fun. For some reason it fills the girl need in me and I enjoy it so that is where I turn my attention to these days. As I have learned to go without make-up I find myself giving “me” to the world even more so. I am not hiding behind make-up anymore. I also find that I am loved and wanted and it is not all about my looks. I like learning that lesson a ton. So I reflect again on what I have learned reading my Bible. God seemed to get that women want to look “just right” for their men. I remember as a teenager thinking I had to wear hip huggers or a bikini so I could get a boy to check me out. I wanted a boy’s attention and I was willing to do these things. In my high school years the dresses were real short too. I wore mine short. I was tiny and relished that I was cute in short skirts. One day you find that you are not that tiny little person any more. These days’ people tell me I am small and I think “really” I am heavier than I have ever been. I weigh more than when I gave birth to my children. I struggle seeing me this way. I had put on weight and needed to lose some so I asked my Doctor what a good weight was for me. I needed to be a good ten pounds heavier than I was in high school. That hurt. At this stage in my life I find my looks aren’t that important. It is more what is in my heart that people truly like. I find the more I give God all of me, that person deep inside is when I feel content. It isn’t about what clothes I wear. Junior has been a thrift store shopper for years. Since I’ve been with him I have come to enjoy thrift stores and to be honest a good portion of my clothes come from there these days. Through the years I have learned that no one sees me with designers label’s on. They see if I have a constant attitude. They see if I have a heart for those in need. They see how I relate to my husband. It isn’t what I have on but how I present myself. That is what people see. So again I learn to be neat, be clean and give my heart where I can. Junior often goes to church in jeans and a tee shirt. For a long time we have heard of people not going to church because they don’t have the right clothes. Our thought is if someone comes in and sees us in less dressy clothes then maybe they will continue to come. Now there are the ones who say they don’t have anything to wear but they also never truly wanted to go. This is their excuse and frankly there isn’t much I can do to change their mind. Then again there is the person who truly has little or nothing and they come and find Jesus well I’m grateful at that point. What is beneath your looks? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 24, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I’m on day two of the rest of my life…well the new structure I came across yesterday. I had my Bible in my inbox when I got up and read it. There are no pages to turn but I do believe it isn’t going to be a big deal soon. I always have a physical Bible if I want to look up something… One of the hugest struggles I have dealt with is what denial can do to your life. The way Mom coped was to make life the way she wanted it too look in her life and then live it regardless what was going on. I more than likely adopted some of that myself and yet I have also rebelled against that for most of my life. It drives me crazy to say the least. I see and I want to live in reality. I may struggle to figure it out since I was often told that what I saw wasn’t real and you know what, it was real. So I think I am hyper-vigilant about being real. I tell too much etc. As I left my former marriage I realized that I truly lived that life and did not want to deny that I did. I also wanted to help others in their journey out of abuse. I felt that was my gift to God. Still he occupied way too much head space and I had such a hard letting him stay where he needs to be, in the past. I could not shut the door as many do….. Yesterday’s conversation has given me a way to deal with my past and leave it where it needs to be. Many shut the door people never really look at what went wrong and for me…I did not want to go back there again so I didn’t want to shut the door until I resolved my struggles. Yesterday’s lesson of the old high school days in my memory banks was so right on. Some things come to mind easily and there are a ton of things I have forgotten altogether. There aren’t any hidden struggles or such, the memories are just gone. Sometimes when I talk with someone an incident may come back but overall I don’t ever think on it. When I saw this picture in my mind I saw how I can leave Him behind, not deny him, but leave him where he needs to be, in the past. At this point I believe that there may be things I recall from time to time, funny things and rotten things and then he goes back to where he belongs in the past. That is so freeing and on day two I feel as free as I did yesterday. I have learned fully and truly that this man can no longer enter into my every day. He can’t meet all my friends and try to win them over. He may have my family but at this point I have learned to let go and move on. If family don’t want me well that is ok, I’d rather be in relationship but I’m not going to beg or grieve myself sick. I’ve done that bought the tee shirt and wore it. No more. As I come through this I find myself content like I have never been content before. I am finally accepting me for the way I am and I realize all the way inside of me that I am who I am and I can’t change for everyone. That is a freeing feeling as well. I find myself letting God set my standard. I read my Bible, I pray, I go to church and hang with Christian friends. Along with that being fed I find I can now talk to non-Christians and still stay strong in my faith. I know many times we Christians associate with the world trying to win souls for Christ and find ourselves following the world more than Christ. It happens. That is what I wanted to guard against. I believe we need the church and in the church there will be plenty of people who appear to be Christian and are not really. The more I read my Bible and pray though I can spot the ones who are putting on a show. Do I know each time, no? Still I don’t think God wants me to keep my faith to myself. So I need God’s help in reaching the ones He wants me to reach. It is part of my daily prayer really. “Dear Lord help me to be where you want me to be, say what you want me to say and help those you want me to help.” As I ponder this I begin to see that I don’t need to set up situations like I have been doing. At the checkout many times I make a comment about living in abuse with the hopes I can help someone. I have a few times talked to people who needed that bit of encouragement. Overall most of the times though there is no response to my comments so again I see that God will put the people He wants in my path. I have not for years brought the subject up so I could get people to sympathize with me. I have Junior, friends and frankly I am content with my past overall. I just wanted to help someone….I think I wished I would have had that hand out to me along the way so I wanted to give what I wanted. This also helps me with the poor struggles I deal with. I learned early on that I cannot give to every person, situation etc. God often will place it on my heart to reach out to those He wants me to reach out to. He put B in my path and we have a deep friendship now. I help her, she helps me and we are truly friends and it is wonderful. If anyone ever would have told me I’d be learning so many lessons at my age, I would not have believed them but I am growing in the Lord and it feels great. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you. Love Janet

October 20, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am about as excited as I can get right now. I hung up the phone from an hour and half chat with my mentor and I am giddy. She has been telling some of this stuff for a while and I heard but not all the way like I did today. Today I got it in a big way and began my new journey. For years I have read the Bible through each year. I slacked off when I had cancer due to tiredness and as we moved our lives have gone all astray so staying up on Bible reading has been difficult but I’ve managed to get through the Bible each year. This year, I have fallen way behind. I’ve started wanting to do Bible study on line, reading too. My friend gave me a site to go to and today I began a journey I’m excited to go on. She gave me her way and I’m excited to start. For a few years I loved buying a Bible study to do alongside of my daily read through. I loved it. Then my health went south, I retired and a new life began and I’ve been amiss for some time now. Because of my overactive brain I have to start and stop and several things at once type of doing. It is who I am and how I operate. I feel today is the start back on a journey I’ve been wanting for some time. I have longed for those old mornings in the Word. One of the suggestions I had was pull up on the computer a Christian leader I enjoy and listen. I did that and it was awesome. In Michigan I loved Christian radio and on my down times I’d listen for most of the day. Out here the radio signal is poor and thus I can no longer listen. My friend also told me how to bring up the broadcasts and my journey in that area began today. Janet is one happy camper and feels that another piece to the puzzle has been put in place. My work routine I believe will get better as well. I rarely nap these days. This new Doctor has been so instrumental at giving me back an energy level I haven’t seen in years. I’m not where I want to be but I am more than I was and it feels wonderful. I no longer go through long bouts of depression. I am gaining my energy back in my walks as I have started increasing my route. I sleep at night….yup life is moving in a much better direction at last. I can’t tell you how exciting it was to sweep and listen to the Christian broadcast. My friend also opened my eyes to my fears and my need to talk about them. I think I can truly begin to let go and move on with my life….15 years later but better late than never! I thought that I was using my situation to open the door for others to come out of their struggles. It worked on occasion. Today I learned if the person needs to know that I know then God will guide my heart and my conversations. I don’t have to bring it up all the time. As I look on my journey I see where God has been my protector. It started when I was asked for a divorce. There were times I cried and God held me. I pulled away and then went back into my kid’s lives at a later date. As we moved I realized how much of a struggle this person gave me in my spirit. One of the reasons I believe we moved is for me to finally be free of all that junk. Then when I could not let go of the fear which I knew was irrational I was given Prozac. To say that I can go days without thinking about Him….to me is a miracle! My friend taught me today that using my “example” though was not helpful and it was time to let it go. I get it and it feels so freeing! My friend has had some of the same journey so she was talking to herself as well… I don’t feel alone, I don’t feel God hates me….it is time to let go some more, for me I believe the last leg of the letting go is here. I can begin to truly live in the peace I have longed for. Gone are the memories of…… that also feels freeing. Junior has been trying for some time to teach me to let it go only I did not understand. My friend was able to give me a clear picture that I truly was able to grasp. My Junior is very happy with my mentor right now. I love walking with God; it is about the best feeling in the world. I feel bad when I don’t “get it.” God though will keep working with me until I do though and that feels wonderful. I’ve been given up on so much in my life that I am grateful to know that God won’t give up on me. My friend also taught me more about spirits today. She said my kids knew. I said no I try very hard to say very little about their Dad to them. She said if I say it to anybody that spirit is in the air and they know somehow. On some level they know of my struggle and as I struggle they feel it. You know….like when you see your child hurting from some event at school or such. They feel my struggle even if I am not telling them. So beginning today….my goal is to not have a need to mention that name again…..for my sake and for theirs. I am grateful I don’t hate their Dad, I really don’t but now he is a part of my past all the way and no longer a name I need to mention. It is like those school friends I haven’t seen or talked to in 40 years now…they are a memory that occasionally pops in my head, some not even that often. It was then, this is now. I get it! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 17, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I went to the Dr. on Monday and the EEG showed nothing wrong. The Dr. thinks my black outs were due to my lack of sleep for so long and now that I’m on the CPAP machine I haven’t had any blackouts so I might get to drive again soon. Tuesday we went to Johnson City TN, 3 hours from our house so Junior could go to the VA to get his eyes checked. Monday’s trip was two hours there and two hours back. To say the rest of the week that I had absolutely no energy would be putting it mildly. I knew I was too tired when on Thursday I did not do the Chiropractor run which is a three hour trip there and back. Today I got up and went to church to do my volunteer thing, we ran to Norton and I’ve spent the afternoon vegging out in my comfy chair. I am beat up big time. For a long time it irritated me that I had absolutely no get up and go. I am starting to see this is what it is and I can be frustrated beyond words or live with my lack of energy. I am choosing to live with it instead of being upset all the time. I can’t change it, I can’t make it different so it is time to accept it and move on. My Mr. Wonderful has taken over a month to put in 6 new windows. He struggles with his projects, not knowing how to do it etc. His back will act up and he slows down. I know this way down deep inside of me. He works the way he works and for the most part I accept it even if it does not make sense to me but sometimes I lose it. We went out and bought curtains for all the windows. That was so exciting. Then he broke a window and had to put new ones in. I’ve run out of patience waiting for the curtains to be hung. I’d hang them but the hardware has to be put up and I don’t know how so I am waiting as patiently as I am able. I start off by asking ever so gently, “Can we hang the curtains?” I don’t want to be a bother but this means a lot to me and I ask over and over. He gets irritated with the constant asking so I back off for a bit. I stare at naked windows and get a bit more frustrated. I go back to asking daily and I even ask throughout the day. In the midst of window putting in he stops gets gravel and puts some out in the yard. To me this is more back breaking than the windows…. Finally Mr. Wonderful is irritated and lets me know and then he hangs the curtains. They are beautiful beyond my wildest imagination. I am tickled pink. I am so happy and tell him how nice they look, the windows even the bench for the window he made. I am about as excited as I can get to have curtains on the windows. Then I start feeling bad because I nagged my man so much. I feel bad because I felt some anger. Anger has always been a scary place for me to enter into. When my kids were young I found myself getting angry at them. I wanted them to pick up their mess or whatever and they did not and I’d get angry. In my childhood home that anger always meant a fist went flying and someone always got hurt and I did not want to be like that. I did not spank my kids a whole lot. Yup I did from time to time but it scared me and I did not want to hurt them and well it’s been a struggle for me to allow my anger to come out. I also worry that when we are angry at each other that our relationship might be breaking down and we won’t be friends and then worse. It scares me to no end. Junior does teach me over and over that just because he is angry he isn’t walking out the door and for the most part I’m getting it. Still I have those fearful moments. As I saw the curtains hung I was so excited. They were so pretty and I saw more of a finished look again and I even felt hopeful that one day these renovating messes will a memory. The new door looks real nice with the curtains. As I see these little things take shape I get excited. I now dream of the master bedroom Junior will make us. In the past I started dreaming about the new house I was going to move to someday. These days my dreams seem to move onto the new room that will one day take shape, I’m excited about the kitchen we will someday have. I even dream about the enclosed porch turning into our storage area, having a 2nd bathroom. Those dreams fill me these days and I am anxious to live in the house that Junior is creating for us. At this point I hope to NEVER move again. We have put a lot of ourselves into this home and frankly I’d hate to leave it behind. I don’t have the energy I once had for moving, decorating and such. I am thrilled to start going to the different areas around us. I love the mountains beyond measure. I love the views from our house we have and our walks to me are out of this world. I find a peacefulness being out here. It feels so good to have a slower paced life in a beautiful part of the country. This part of our retirement amazes me daily really. I am anxious to stay put, to travel to enjoy this brand new life style. So I learn, I grow even in my older years and I find that a blessing. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 13, 2012 Greetings My Friend, B has been here again for a few days. I love her visits. She has helped me get the renovating mess cleaned up from the new windows and today I am hoping to tackle the spare bedroom area. She talks gently giving me permission to do what I can when I can and isn’t critical which is important to me. We have the ellipse set up in the front room looking out into the field. I’ve been on it a few times. I have a supplement that is supposed to help me focus and not allow myself to get overwhelmed…..the front room is now picked up after all the windows have been put in. Curtains have been hung and I am praying that soon Junior will hang the hardware for the second set of windows so I can hang the last of the curtains. They are lace and look old fashioned which is my favorite look. We have a hummingbird feeder hung up and I can sit in the comfy chair and watch the birds fly in for a drink. I love watching those tiny critters. The lace curtains keep taking me back to a simpler time in my mind and I love that. Junior found an old fashioned floor lamp which is so pretty to me. I love taking myself back to a simpler time. It is a pleasure to me. My Dr. has recommended a supplement which is helping me to focus and work on projects better. I am still struggling with feeling overwhelmed and finding the ability to get work done the way I want to. This supplement helps me focus and stick with projects…..for that I am grateful. I was so tickled when the floors got swept and cleaned. My goal is to have more housework routines and keep the house looking picked up. I’m not a spotless housekeeper but I do like a picked up and clean look. I also am dealing with my ADHD ways which surprise me. Mom, my ex and my son always displayed their ADD ways more so. I held mine in check by being over organized and doing a lot at a time. It was something I loved to do and could do and now I struggle. My brain is more active than my body can do and it is a huge struggle for me. Then I get overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks and I tend to give up easier than I have in the past. This supplement seems to be helping me stay focused on a project and then seeing it through. I love that. I am starting to see a work routine fill in with me doing the sheets each week, cleaning the bathroom etc. Slowly I am adding more to my day. The biggest question I have is why have I fallen apart so? No answers come readily so I am learning to “live” with the new me that is emerging. My favorite saying lately is….”it is what it is.” That helps me to not be critical of myself and to move forward instead of berating myself at every turn. I am realizing that as I am getting older my body isn’t what it used to be and you know what? That is ok….another saying I toy with to learn how to accept me where I am at in life at this point. It has been hard to realize that I can’t do a part time job. I can’t. That is ok. I’m home with Junior and I feel his love a ton. He accepts me for what I can give and doesn’t get angry because I can’t do what I once did. I am grateful for his acceptance of me and where I am in life. Junior is happy with me making one meal a day. He is up real early so he makes his own breakfast. Dinner is often a sandwich or something light. We tend to eat the heavier meal at lunch time and he enjoys my cooking. I still have the makeshift kitchen so I am grateful that one meal is good. I want to feel impatient with the slowness of the renovating until I see how patient Junior is with me and then I feel ever so patient with him. He really is a marvel. He works daily almost and the house is coming along. His back is such a mess and no one would blame him if he sat and did little or nothing. He is able to work past the pain level but he does tire easily and needs frequent naps. So I learn to accept what Junior can do and give. His to me unorganized way of accomplishing things are hard for me to deal with and then a project is finished and looks wonderful and frankly I learn to accept Junior’s work habits even if they are foreign to me. I find myself being patient with Junior because he is patient with me. I’d like to beat myself up and berate myself because I can’t do what I once did. As Junior accepts me as I am I learn to accept Junior for what he can do. I accept myself for what I am able to do and I keep moving forward even if the forward movement is taking years. Our life is settling nicely into some wonderful routines. Daily we tend to go for a walk. We take the dogs and they love walking along with us. We tend to run once or twice a week and I love that. I am finding myself doing more than sit in my comfy chair these days and frankly that feels nice. Of course we tend to hit more yard sales which is fun. Yup I love our life even if this isn’t how I pictured it to be. I have learned that a slower pace is really very nice. I have learned to accept that my brain isn’t as bright as it once was. I have learned to accept those that enjoy me and let the ones who think I am a little to “much” to go their own way. Yup that is the best part now. I am who I am, I do what I do and you know what???? That is ok. May God bless you and keep you make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 3, 2012 Greetings My Friend,, Let’s try this again. I finished a blog, read it to Junior and he felt I could do better and I needed to start over so here I go.. Junior has enjoyed my ability to write and has encouraged me to write through the years. I am now writing and he continues to be supportive of me. It feels nice to have a talent and that he enjoys my talent and isn’t afraid I may be better at something than he is. In another life every time I showed more intelligence in an area I was put down and discouraged from showing my skills. I soon believed I was no good and I also learned to relate to others with a dumb blonde attitude. I’m not that dumb but I got tired of getting slugged every time I was able to do something better and discouraged from using my skills. Junior tends to see me as a partner and he realizes I have talents he does not have. He likes for me to excel in my area of expertise. Frankly when we each do the things we are good at and allow the other the opportunity to shine it tends to helps us reach more goals in life. I am the better bill payer. For the first 10 years of our marriage we carried no debt. The last 4 years I have let Junior pay bills. I had a hard time letting him be in charge but to be honest I think he has learned a ton. I think going forward we will live within our means much better. Junior often felt I wasn’t letting him have or do things and when he took over he realized that was not the case. Has it been easy? No it has not but again he has learned and I believe we will move forward on the same page. We felt led to move and we have moved. Had I been in charge of the bills I would not have wanted to risk the move. As we continue to settle in Virginia I love being here so I’m grateful Junior has got us here and I did not have figure out how to finance our move. Having had a bad marriage the first time, I find myself being very grateful for Junior. He loves me and I feel it just about daily. I am wanted and that means a lot as well. So Junior has a few bad habits. I want to learn to accept my man for whom and what he is. As a woman I have a tendency to want to change him. As I have taken relationship classes and learned that a woman tends to do that I have worked hard at letting Junior be Junior. When I allow him to be himself I get a very content husband so it is worth letting him be himself. I also get to see life from a different perspective which helps me do things in a new way at times. I love being a partner in marriage. It is about the best feeling in the world to me.. I love that Junior enjoys me using my talents where they come in at and it feels wonderful. When Junior lets me do what my talents are I tend to feel more grown up and productive. Junior is putting in new windows so the furniture is moved to the center of the room. Junior somehow finds a way to fill the kitchen table with stuff. I was sitting at the table wondering how it got so full in such a short time. I am taking on more chores but still have moments that I am totally overwhelmed. Junior is so patient with who and what I am. As he is patient with me I find myself being very accepting of Junior and his ways even if they don’t align with mine. That does not mean that I always know how to deal with his ways. As I see Junior finish projects and how beautiful they are I also don’t want to discourage him and to me sloppy ways. Our home is turning out awesome and it is exciting to see his creative talents. Some people seem to be able to keep order even if the family does not. I have yet to figure out how to do that. I also don’t want to be-little my man. He is way too good to me. So my struggle continues to be how I let Junior be Junior and keep “me” in the equation. I do have needs and when I don’t give into them I find myself depressed. Junior has been able to let relationships go due to his crazy upbringing. As I grieve my relationships Junior understands and often will teach me how to let go. The more I let go the less emotional stress I put myself through. So I am grateful that we are not exactly the same. We have similarities for sure but our differences often help us do more than we ever imagined. When I can look beyond Junior’s crazy to me ways I begin to see a precious man. I also see his heart and that continues to amaze me. Sometimes I struggle beyond words. I keep praying and talking to God. God guides me and I continue to marvel at the man I am married to and I don’t hate him. I like that a whole bunch and I am more in love with Junior than I was 14 years ago. Pretty nice. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

October 6 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am going through that “I’m not wanted” feeling again. I hate when I do this but it is the struggle I have so it is something I ponder and try to move out of. I have quit trying to beat myself up and that is nice. I think my feelings of “not being wanted” originate in my youth. Our home was chaotic and well I don’t think I knew for sure I was wanted. As I have been on Prozac and in my faith journey I am coming to terms with not everyone will like me including family. As I hear my son say the same thing to me I want to cry, to scream “No you matter to me, to a lot of people!” He doesn’t seem to need my love and well sometimes I can get very depressed thinking even he doesn’t need me. I know I did the best I could and well there comes a time when you accept you were who you were, did what you knew and you have to let it go. My son gave me a reason to live when I did not want to and my daughter too and in my new life I feel loved by many people. I have made precious friends who would mourn if I were gone. That is now my focus. As I was on Prozac for a while, I felt God say “Janet, if I gave you friends, family do you think I’d let your ex take them away from you?” That has been a huge comfort. Apparently I could not learn this prior to Prozac but now I know that I know that there are people who love me for who I am and it feels wonderful. We have been to MI and back and well I have struggled through that feeling of not being wanted again. I could not hook up with my kids and felt left out and unwanted. Back here in Virginia I am feeling the love and frankly I am soaking it up. Junior continues to show me he isn’t going to discard me when I’m not fun and hard to deal with. My health issues mean I can’t do what I once did and Junior seems to say “I love you even now.” That warms my soul a ton. Junior continues to work on the house and each improvement is awesome. I love it when he comes and gets me for a look at his handiwork. It warms my soul deep down. I love decorating each room as it comes to completion. I love our walks. We went for our daily walk with our four dogs and our neighbors’ dogs and it is precious to me. So God has given me love from many places, friends, my husband, family….so life is truly good. If I can’t be loved by those that I’d like to love well my feeling now is “that is ok.” I do have people who truly enjoy me for who I am and it feels wonderful. I find that many people get to a point where their life is what it is and if everyone doesn’t like them and that is ok. It seems to be something most 50 something year olds go through. I think we finally make peace with who we are and what we have. We may not have achieved our goals and now we accept ourselves for where we are at in life. It is what it is. I must say that phrase really helps me do life. So my goal these days is to enjoy the life I have and stop mourning the life I have made up in my mind. I have what I have and I have decided to enjoy what I have instead of constantly mourning that picture I have in my mind. I wanted to have family get together time and did not know how to make it happen and well it is what it is. I may not be surrounded by kids and grandkids for the holidays but I have kids and grandkids and well that is ok. I love it when I feel friends love. M who has become close to me since I retired can feel like family. M who has known me forever and a day feels like family. I have learned to enjoy the quiet holidays. These days B and her son celebrate holidays with us and frankly they feel good too. So my Hallmark holidays are a memory and I enjoy what I have in front of me now. It is what it is. I find I have precious moments that warm my soul and frankly I love it. B and I are learning what we want to have our holidays look like. We have had a few where they were not so good. Bad weather has kept us apart or something else. The ones we have been able to celebrate together well we have enjoyed. I guess we are learning how to celebrate. She has done holidays alone for most of her son’s life. Junior and I have done many alone these past 14 years so we come together and enjoy each other. B generally cooks because she likes cooking. I will help at times. We eat a good meal and we enjoy a special day and frankly it feels real nice. I am who I am and frankly I can’t be who I am not. If I don’t measure up to someone’s expectations I am not that person and frankly that is ok. What a freeing lesson I am learning. Instead of wishing and dreaming my life away I am learning to take what I have and enjoy it. Junior has been able to let go easier than I have. I have finally learned this lesson and frankly life is too short to keep wishing it were different. I change where I can, do what I can and learn to be content in which I am. I am finally learning to like me and well it is nice. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you Love Janet