October 24, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I’m on day two of the rest of my life…well the new structure I came across yesterday. I had my Bible in my inbox when I got up and read it. There are no pages to turn but I do believe it isn’t going to be a big deal soon. I always have a physical Bible if I want to look up something… One of the hugest struggles I have dealt with is what denial can do to your life. The way Mom coped was to make life the way she wanted it too look in her life and then live it regardless what was going on. I more than likely adopted some of that myself and yet I have also rebelled against that for most of my life. It drives me crazy to say the least. I see and I want to live in reality. I may struggle to figure it out since I was often told that what I saw wasn’t real and you know what, it was real. So I think I am hyper-vigilant about being real. I tell too much etc. As I left my former marriage I realized that I truly lived that life and did not want to deny that I did. I also wanted to help others in their journey out of abuse. I felt that was my gift to God. Still he occupied way too much head space and I had such a hard letting him stay where he needs to be, in the past. I could not shut the door as many do….. Yesterday’s conversation has given me a way to deal with my past and leave it where it needs to be. Many shut the door people never really look at what went wrong and for me…I did not want to go back there again so I didn’t want to shut the door until I resolved my struggles. Yesterday’s lesson of the old high school days in my memory banks was so right on. Some things come to mind easily and there are a ton of things I have forgotten altogether. There aren’t any hidden struggles or such, the memories are just gone. Sometimes when I talk with someone an incident may come back but overall I don’t ever think on it. When I saw this picture in my mind I saw how I can leave Him behind, not deny him, but leave him where he needs to be, in the past. At this point I believe that there may be things I recall from time to time, funny things and rotten things and then he goes back to where he belongs in the past. That is so freeing and on day two I feel as free as I did yesterday. I have learned fully and truly that this man can no longer enter into my every day. He can’t meet all my friends and try to win them over. He may have my family but at this point I have learned to let go and move on. If family don’t want me well that is ok, I’d rather be in relationship but I’m not going to beg or grieve myself sick. I’ve done that bought the tee shirt and wore it. No more. As I come through this I find myself content like I have never been content before. I am finally accepting me for the way I am and I realize all the way inside of me that I am who I am and I can’t change for everyone. That is a freeing feeling as well. I find myself letting God set my standard. I read my Bible, I pray, I go to church and hang with Christian friends. Along with that being fed I find I can now talk to non-Christians and still stay strong in my faith. I know many times we Christians associate with the world trying to win souls for Christ and find ourselves following the world more than Christ. It happens. That is what I wanted to guard against. I believe we need the church and in the church there will be plenty of people who appear to be Christian and are not really. The more I read my Bible and pray though I can spot the ones who are putting on a show. Do I know each time, no? Still I don’t think God wants me to keep my faith to myself. So I need God’s help in reaching the ones He wants me to reach. It is part of my daily prayer really. “Dear Lord help me to be where you want me to be, say what you want me to say and help those you want me to help.” As I ponder this I begin to see that I don’t need to set up situations like I have been doing. At the checkout many times I make a comment about living in abuse with the hopes I can help someone. I have a few times talked to people who needed that bit of encouragement. Overall most of the times though there is no response to my comments so again I see that God will put the people He wants in my path. I have not for years brought the subject up so I could get people to sympathize with me. I have Junior, friends and frankly I am content with my past overall. I just wanted to help someone….I think I wished I would have had that hand out to me along the way so I wanted to give what I wanted. This also helps me with the poor struggles I deal with. I learned early on that I cannot give to every person, situation etc. God often will place it on my heart to reach out to those He wants me to reach out to. He put B in my path and we have a deep friendship now. I help her, she helps me and we are truly friends and it is wonderful. If anyone ever would have told me I’d be learning so many lessons at my age, I would not have believed them but I am growing in the Lord and it feels great. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you. Love Janet