October 17, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I went to the Dr. on Monday and the EEG showed nothing wrong. The Dr. thinks my black outs were due to my lack of sleep for so long and now that I’m on the CPAP machine I haven’t had any blackouts so I might get to drive again soon. Tuesday we went to Johnson City TN, 3 hours from our house so Junior could go to the VA to get his eyes checked. Monday’s trip was two hours there and two hours back. To say the rest of the week that I had absolutely no energy would be putting it mildly. I knew I was too tired when on Thursday I did not do the Chiropractor run which is a three hour trip there and back. Today I got up and went to church to do my volunteer thing, we ran to Norton and I’ve spent the afternoon vegging out in my comfy chair. I am beat up big time. For a long time it irritated me that I had absolutely no get up and go. I am starting to see this is what it is and I can be frustrated beyond words or live with my lack of energy. I am choosing to live with it instead of being upset all the time. I can’t change it, I can’t make it different so it is time to accept it and move on. My Mr. Wonderful has taken over a month to put in 6 new windows. He struggles with his projects, not knowing how to do it etc. His back will act up and he slows down. I know this way down deep inside of me. He works the way he works and for the most part I accept it even if it does not make sense to me but sometimes I lose it. We went out and bought curtains for all the windows. That was so exciting. Then he broke a window and had to put new ones in. I’ve run out of patience waiting for the curtains to be hung. I’d hang them but the hardware has to be put up and I don’t know how so I am waiting as patiently as I am able. I start off by asking ever so gently, “Can we hang the curtains?” I don’t want to be a bother but this means a lot to me and I ask over and over. He gets irritated with the constant asking so I back off for a bit. I stare at naked windows and get a bit more frustrated. I go back to asking daily and I even ask throughout the day. In the midst of window putting in he stops gets gravel and puts some out in the yard. To me this is more back breaking than the windows…. Finally Mr. Wonderful is irritated and lets me know and then he hangs the curtains. They are beautiful beyond my wildest imagination. I am tickled pink. I am so happy and tell him how nice they look, the windows even the bench for the window he made. I am about as excited as I can get to have curtains on the windows. Then I start feeling bad because I nagged my man so much. I feel bad because I felt some anger. Anger has always been a scary place for me to enter into. When my kids were young I found myself getting angry at them. I wanted them to pick up their mess or whatever and they did not and I’d get angry. In my childhood home that anger always meant a fist went flying and someone always got hurt and I did not want to be like that. I did not spank my kids a whole lot. Yup I did from time to time but it scared me and I did not want to hurt them and well it’s been a struggle for me to allow my anger to come out. I also worry that when we are angry at each other that our relationship might be breaking down and we won’t be friends and then worse. It scares me to no end. Junior does teach me over and over that just because he is angry he isn’t walking out the door and for the most part I’m getting it. Still I have those fearful moments. As I saw the curtains hung I was so excited. They were so pretty and I saw more of a finished look again and I even felt hopeful that one day these renovating messes will a memory. The new door looks real nice with the curtains. As I see these little things take shape I get excited. I now dream of the master bedroom Junior will make us. In the past I started dreaming about the new house I was going to move to someday. These days my dreams seem to move onto the new room that will one day take shape, I’m excited about the kitchen we will someday have. I even dream about the enclosed porch turning into our storage area, having a 2nd bathroom. Those dreams fill me these days and I am anxious to live in the house that Junior is creating for us. At this point I hope to NEVER move again. We have put a lot of ourselves into this home and frankly I’d hate to leave it behind. I don’t have the energy I once had for moving, decorating and such. I am thrilled to start going to the different areas around us. I love the mountains beyond measure. I love the views from our house we have and our walks to me are out of this world. I find a peacefulness being out here. It feels so good to have a slower paced life in a beautiful part of the country. This part of our retirement amazes me daily really. I am anxious to stay put, to travel to enjoy this brand new life style. So I learn, I grow even in my older years and I find that a blessing. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet