October 13, 2012 Greetings My Friend, B has been here again for a few days. I love her visits. She has helped me get the renovating mess cleaned up from the new windows and today I am hoping to tackle the spare bedroom area. She talks gently giving me permission to do what I can when I can and isn’t critical which is important to me. We have the ellipse set up in the front room looking out into the field. I’ve been on it a few times. I have a supplement that is supposed to help me focus and not allow myself to get overwhelmed…..the front room is now picked up after all the windows have been put in. Curtains have been hung and I am praying that soon Junior will hang the hardware for the second set of windows so I can hang the last of the curtains. They are lace and look old fashioned which is my favorite look. We have a hummingbird feeder hung up and I can sit in the comfy chair and watch the birds fly in for a drink. I love watching those tiny critters. The lace curtains keep taking me back to a simpler time in my mind and I love that. Junior found an old fashioned floor lamp which is so pretty to me. I love taking myself back to a simpler time. It is a pleasure to me. My Dr. has recommended a supplement which is helping me to focus and work on projects better. I am still struggling with feeling overwhelmed and finding the ability to get work done the way I want to. This supplement helps me focus and stick with projects…..for that I am grateful. I was so tickled when the floors got swept and cleaned. My goal is to have more housework routines and keep the house looking picked up. I’m not a spotless housekeeper but I do like a picked up and clean look. I also am dealing with my ADHD ways which surprise me. Mom, my ex and my son always displayed their ADD ways more so. I held mine in check by being over organized and doing a lot at a time. It was something I loved to do and could do and now I struggle. My brain is more active than my body can do and it is a huge struggle for me. Then I get overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks and I tend to give up easier than I have in the past. This supplement seems to be helping me stay focused on a project and then seeing it through. I love that. I am starting to see a work routine fill in with me doing the sheets each week, cleaning the bathroom etc. Slowly I am adding more to my day. The biggest question I have is why have I fallen apart so? No answers come readily so I am learning to “live” with the new me that is emerging. My favorite saying lately is….”it is what it is.” That helps me to not be critical of myself and to move forward instead of berating myself at every turn. I am realizing that as I am getting older my body isn’t what it used to be and you know what? That is ok….another saying I toy with to learn how to accept me where I am at in life at this point. It has been hard to realize that I can’t do a part time job. I can’t. That is ok. I’m home with Junior and I feel his love a ton. He accepts me for what I can give and doesn’t get angry because I can’t do what I once did. I am grateful for his acceptance of me and where I am in life. Junior is happy with me making one meal a day. He is up real early so he makes his own breakfast. Dinner is often a sandwich or something light. We tend to eat the heavier meal at lunch time and he enjoys my cooking. I still have the makeshift kitchen so I am grateful that one meal is good. I want to feel impatient with the slowness of the renovating until I see how patient Junior is with me and then I feel ever so patient with him. He really is a marvel. He works daily almost and the house is coming along. His back is such a mess and no one would blame him if he sat and did little or nothing. He is able to work past the pain level but he does tire easily and needs frequent naps. So I learn to accept what Junior can do and give. His to me unorganized way of accomplishing things are hard for me to deal with and then a project is finished and looks wonderful and frankly I learn to accept Junior’s work habits even if they are foreign to me. I find myself being patient with Junior because he is patient with me. I’d like to beat myself up and berate myself because I can’t do what I once did. As Junior accepts me as I am I learn to accept Junior for what he can do. I accept myself for what I am able to do and I keep moving forward even if the forward movement is taking years. Our life is settling nicely into some wonderful routines. Daily we tend to go for a walk. We take the dogs and they love walking along with us. We tend to run once or twice a week and I love that. I am finding myself doing more than sit in my comfy chair these days and frankly that feels nice. Of course we tend to hit more yard sales which is fun. Yup I love our life even if this isn’t how I pictured it to be. I have learned that a slower pace is really very nice. I have learned to accept that my brain isn’t as bright as it once was. I have learned to accept those that enjoy me and let the ones who think I am a little to “much” to go their own way. Yup that is the best part now. I am who I am, I do what I do and you know what???? That is ok. May God bless you and keep you make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet