October 6 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am going through that “I’m not wanted” feeling again. I hate when I do this but it is the struggle I have so it is something I ponder and try to move out of. I have quit trying to beat myself up and that is nice. I think my feelings of “not being wanted” originate in my youth. Our home was chaotic and well I don’t think I knew for sure I was wanted. As I have been on Prozac and in my faith journey I am coming to terms with not everyone will like me including family. As I hear my son say the same thing to me I want to cry, to scream “No you matter to me, to a lot of people!” He doesn’t seem to need my love and well sometimes I can get very depressed thinking even he doesn’t need me. I know I did the best I could and well there comes a time when you accept you were who you were, did what you knew and you have to let it go. My son gave me a reason to live when I did not want to and my daughter too and in my new life I feel loved by many people. I have made precious friends who would mourn if I were gone. That is now my focus. As I was on Prozac for a while, I felt God say “Janet, if I gave you friends, family do you think I’d let your ex take them away from you?” That has been a huge comfort. Apparently I could not learn this prior to Prozac but now I know that I know that there are people who love me for who I am and it feels wonderful. We have been to MI and back and well I have struggled through that feeling of not being wanted again. I could not hook up with my kids and felt left out and unwanted. Back here in Virginia I am feeling the love and frankly I am soaking it up. Junior continues to show me he isn’t going to discard me when I’m not fun and hard to deal with. My health issues mean I can’t do what I once did and Junior seems to say “I love you even now.” That warms my soul a ton. Junior continues to work on the house and each improvement is awesome. I love it when he comes and gets me for a look at his handiwork. It warms my soul deep down. I love decorating each room as it comes to completion. I love our walks. We went for our daily walk with our four dogs and our neighbors’ dogs and it is precious to me. So God has given me love from many places, friends, my husband, family….so life is truly good. If I can’t be loved by those that I’d like to love well my feeling now is “that is ok.” I do have people who truly enjoy me for who I am and it feels wonderful. I find that many people get to a point where their life is what it is and if everyone doesn’t like them and that is ok. It seems to be something most 50 something year olds go through. I think we finally make peace with who we are and what we have. We may not have achieved our goals and now we accept ourselves for where we are at in life. It is what it is. I must say that phrase really helps me do life. So my goal these days is to enjoy the life I have and stop mourning the life I have made up in my mind. I have what I have and I have decided to enjoy what I have instead of constantly mourning that picture I have in my mind. I wanted to have family get together time and did not know how to make it happen and well it is what it is. I may not be surrounded by kids and grandkids for the holidays but I have kids and grandkids and well that is ok. I love it when I feel friends love. M who has become close to me since I retired can feel like family. M who has known me forever and a day feels like family. I have learned to enjoy the quiet holidays. These days B and her son celebrate holidays with us and frankly they feel good too. So my Hallmark holidays are a memory and I enjoy what I have in front of me now. It is what it is. I find I have precious moments that warm my soul and frankly I love it. B and I are learning what we want to have our holidays look like. We have had a few where they were not so good. Bad weather has kept us apart or something else. The ones we have been able to celebrate together well we have enjoyed. I guess we are learning how to celebrate. She has done holidays alone for most of her son’s life. Junior and I have done many alone these past 14 years so we come together and enjoy each other. B generally cooks because she likes cooking. I will help at times. We eat a good meal and we enjoy a special day and frankly it feels real nice. I am who I am and frankly I can’t be who I am not. If I don’t measure up to someone’s expectations I am not that person and frankly that is ok. What a freeing lesson I am learning. Instead of wishing and dreaming my life away I am learning to take what I have and enjoy it. Junior has been able to let go easier than I have. I have finally learned this lesson and frankly life is too short to keep wishing it were different. I change where I can, do what I can and learn to be content in which I am. I am finally learning to like me and well it is nice. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you Love Janet