February 15 2014

February 18 2014

Greetings My Friend,

My CPAP machine is broken. I am back to sleeping a couple of hours and then waking up for a few hours. At times I struggle to breathe. My CPAP helps me with my deviated septum. I should be getting a new machine soon but for now I struggle.

I went a night or two using my barely operational machine. Junior has noticed my struggle and has insisted I use his machine. It is hard because he needs his as well. With his machine though I have had a better nights sleep. I should have the new one tomorrow I hope.

For some reason I still marvel when Junior tends to “hear” my struggle. I've not been “heard” for so long that being “heard” is strange to me. As he “hears” me though I tend to move through the struggle and find solutions. He also will let me run thoughts by him.

I was talking to my sister about my latest struggle. I mentioned how I will feel congested often and she mentioned that Mom and Dad were heavy smokers along with my ex. She thinks that I may have some damage in the lungs and frankly it made sense.

I know I feel all “proud” when I am asked if I smoke and if I ever smoked and my answer is “no.” I have been divorced for 17 years now which means I've been away from having constant smoke in my home. Junior and I don't allow smoking in our home and neither one of us smokes. To be honest I love it.

In humid weather I struggle to walk my usual walking route. I seem to struggle doing something as simple as sweeping the floor. As I finish I am winded and need to sit down. I also have not said anything to my doctor. When she listens to my lungs she says they sound good. At this point though I do think I need to mention this struggle.

At first I think “not another problem.” One by one I have been moving through my various struggles and I was thinking I was nearing the end only to realize I have another issue that needs to be addressed. I want to be depressed, the whole nine yards. I am not though. I give this struggle over to God as well and I begin the process of working through what I need.

I also find some relief. I could not figure out why I would feel so winded doing a fairly simple task. It makes sense though. Even though I am winded and have to stop I find that if I relax for a bit I am able to get up and move about again. So as I see a picked up home or make another meal I feel good.

Even when I am walking on the elliptical I find that I need to do it in increments. I walk, rest and walk again and I am closing in on 20 minutes of exercise. I watch the news and eat lunch while I get on the elliptical. It works real nice to be honest.

As I write I realize that I am working through my struggle and not giving up. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am not giving up. Depression is not taking hold of me and for that I am very grateful. I may not be able to run a marathon but I am moving and doing.

Being home more and running less also feels good. We tend to need to get out of the house once or twice a week. We do and I love it. The running does tire me out so the next day I find myself moving even slower. That too feels good. At this point I know that I will be back to my old self in short order. I move about as I am able in the real slow down moments and I find things getting done.

Junior has hung a door to the enclosed porch. He has made another puppy door for the fur children to come in on their own. The doorway up until now has had no door so now they need to be able to get in to the living areas and Junior has made them a way.

I do like the kids letting themselves in and out as they need. When a car comes by they often want to go outside and bark at it. They can and I don't have to let them out. Daisy is the only one that seems to think she needs to be let out through the door. She comes in through the puppy door. Silly girl.

God....He is always near. As I pray I tend to think about God's faithfulness. To me He is always near. That comforts me. I truly am not alone in this world. As I realize I am not alone I find that I have confidence. It is not confidence in me but in God and I move about life with more ease.

I have more struggles to deal with. That is OK, God is guiding me.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

February 13 2014

February 13 2014
Greetings My Friend,
Romance is in the air. Commercials are about Valentine's Day. A walk through
the drug store I see aisles of Valentine gifts to give. I see commercials
about Valentine's Day.
As I went through marriage workshops for the re-married I learned that it is
important to continue to date your spouse after the wedding vows have been
said. It is important to find time to go away and be alone for a period of
time, like a weekend get a way.
Junior and I have strived to keep on dating after we married. I am gratefull that
he insisted on this. I continue to know I am important to him. I love fixing myself
up pretty for time out with my guy and I love when I can hang onto his arm.
Due to Junior's balance issues I don't hold onto him often. I understand he can't but
he holds my hand when we are sitting in a movie, in church from time to time. So that
feels like the "hold his arm" moment for me.
As the years passed date nights took on different aspects. At first we went away for a
few day more often. We went to the show and out to eat more often. We then developed our
own date nights that were not the "norm". We loved Friday night grocery shopping. Since
I got off of work late we tended to shop later and the store was fairly empty. We got to
where we stole kisses in the aisles when no one else was there. We do that on the elvator
as well. When we are alone we tend to kiss for a bit before the next floor.
Our hectic work lives and volunteering and such meant that many times Saturday evening found
us watching a video at home with a bowl of popcorn. I loved it all snuggled up on couch next
to my man.
Sometimes when our health was better we would take off for a hike in the woods. We'd follow
trails and soak in the surroundings and we talked about everything. I loved it. As walking
trails became too hard we'd walk the asphalt trails. Then we learned to walk our neighborhood.
Out here in VA we walk our country lane and see woods, moutains and once in a while a deer. It
is like our hiking days.
These days we tend to work during the day and turn the TV on at night and to me it is a date. I
love our time to come togeather. Our trips to Johnson City, Kingsport or Bristol tend to be a
long drive. They begin to feel like a date to me as well. We are alone in a car and for some reason
that alone time always feels like time I draw close to Junior.
We tend to run to town once or twice a week and even that feels like a date to me. I think each couple
needs to find those things that work for them. For a time we went to a marriage retreat once a year. We
learned things and then one night was date night. Some couples had a picnic on the floor of the hotel
we were staying at. Some couples like the man combing the woman's hair or massaging her feet. Frankly
I am not all that excited about such things.
I have also seen couples that tend to do what the woman wants mostly. I learned to shoot a gun and some
date nights found us at a shooting range. Those nights Junior was about as excited as he could get. I
learned that he liked that more than a fancy meal in a resturant so I attempted to give him those moments.
Junior loves to shop and for that I am gratefull. He can look through racks and racks of clothing for hours
right alongside of me. I also have found that if I enter into his Lowe's shopping time he loves it. I have
walked up on Junior holding a drill and making the drill noise. As I come alongside of his likes he tends
to want to do my likes often. We don't quabble about what is fun. We try to accomodate each other.
For the longest time I thought I/we were not the romantic type. As the years went along I discovered that we
indeed were romantic. Just because we did not find the Hallmark moments the romance we enjoyed we did have
our own style of romance. We try to be true to our particular romance needs and we find love growing. We try
to take time outs often.
Come summer time I am sure we will head down the country lane several days a week. I look forward to our walk
with the dogs and with each other. We will dream about the next phase of rennovation or our next vacation and
a closeness developes. I feel connected because we take time to be alone.
May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.
Love
Janet

February 11 2014

February 8 2014

Greetings My Friend,
"Today is the first day of the rest of my life." "I know the plans I have for you, the plans to
prosper you and not harm you." "Faith, hope, love, the greatest of these is love." These things
help me do life. I thrive on little sayings. I also tend to share them on FB as I run across them.
I have many friends share what I share on their FB page as well.
I sense that many people tend to need to use sayings to help them do day to day life. Some people
don't seem interested in sayings. I find that we all tend to find strength and comfort in our own
special way.
At the hospital recently I was given a warmed up blanket. At home I tend to sit with a blanket over me
summer and winter. Blankets are a comfort to me. When life is too full or even scary I find that a blanket
will settle me down. My fur children settle me as well. We all find those little security things
so we can face life in general.
I've come to think of God in that way. He is my comforter and my strength each day anymore. I've found
that He likes the things I do and I strive to make Him happy each day all day. As I learn to trust God to
rely on God I find that I can face life even when it is real scary.
As I layed in the hospital bed recently I found myself talking to God asking for strength and courage for whatever
the diagnosis was. I asked for strength as I was poked mutiple times with a needle that did not feel real good.
As I went moment by moment I found a deep hug on me. I was handling the situation and I did not feel
panicky. That felt real nice.
Junior's back was bothering him and he was getting real sleepy while waiting in the ER. He went to the car to take
a nap. In the meantime the Doctor came in to see me after a few hours that is. He wanted to admit me so I could get
a stress test the next day. Junior was outside and I was being moved. Panic wanted to settle in. It did not though
because I told the doctor where Junior was. The doctor had a security guard come in and get the information on our
car and such. He went out knocked on the window and Junior came in.
The old Janet would have panicked. I would have worried the whole situation to death to find out it wasn't that
big of a problem. Now I prayed and I asked and it worked out just fine. Junior got the rest he needed and I was
being taken care of. He came in and I told him the news. Since it was real late he went on home and I went to my
room.
When the doctor came to me the next morning we discussed that I was to have a stress test and then more than likely
I'd be released. I called Junior with the information and the estimated release time. He came to get me at that point.
I was glad he did not come earlier because I was in and out of my room quite a bit. I was glad when he showed up to
pick me up and we waited 3 hours more for me to be released. He was there when I needed him and that was nice.
It is tiring when a loved one is in the hospital. It takes a lot of energy to keep the fires at home going, to go to
the hospital and visit the sick loved one. Many times the sick loved one isn't feeling good so they are sleeping a lot.
I find I am happy when Junior stops by for a visit. I don't expect him to stay all day long at my side as well. Knowing
he is taking care of the house, the fur children and such brings comfort to me.
I am gratefull for a smart phone because I can look online from time to time. I watch a lot of TV and of course the
hospital staff tends to want to do blood work, take my vitals and such. Between naps, the cell phone, TV and the hospital
staff poking at me I don't mind that Junior is not at my side all day long.
I do like his visits though. His visits tell me that I matter. He sometimes will intercede for me as well. He will
ask the nurse for a snack for me. He will get the nurse if something is wrong. I do have the call button but when
Junior is around and helping I feel wanted. I don't need him all day long though.
Soon the hospital visit is done with and I am on my way home. At home it usually takes me a day or two to get back into
the swing of things. My routines are a comfort for me as I re-enter into them. I know when I am feeling stronger by how
many of my routines I am doing.
I find myself talking to God more as I am alone a lot. I find comfort and strength as I talk to God. It was hard for me
to pray but as I tried to fall asleep I attempted to walk through my prayers. I fell asleep in the middle of some of
them. I started over and over as I forgot what I'd asked for earlier. In all of that though I felt God's gentle hand
on me and panic was not ruling me.
The Scripture that says "I will not leave you or forsake you" comes to mind and in that I relax and roll with the
whole situation.
Where is your strength?
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet

February 8 2014

February 8 2014

Greetings My Friend,
"Today is the first day of the rest of my life." "I know the plans I have for you, the plans to
prosper you and not harm you." "Faith, hope, love, the greatest of these is love." These things
help me do life. I thrive on little sayings. I also tend to share them on FB as I run across them.
I have many friends share what I share on their FB page as well.
I sense that many people tend to need to use sayings to help them do day to day life. Many people
don't seem interested in sayings. I find that we all tend to find strength and comfort in our own
special way.
At the hospital recently I was given a warmed up blanket. At home I tend to sit with a blanket over me
summer and winter. Blankets are a comfort to me. When life is too full or even scary I find that a blanket
will settle me down. My fur children tend to settle me as well. We all find those little security things
so we can face life in general.
I've come to think of God in that way as well. He is my comforter and my strength each day anymore. I've found
that He likes the things I do and I strive to make Him happy each day all day. As I learn to trust God to
rely on God I find that I can face life even when it is real scary.
As I layed in the hospital bed recently I found myself talking to God asking for strength and courage for whatever
the diagnosis was. I asked for strength as I was poked mutiple times with a needle that did not feel real good.
As I went moment by moment I found a deep hug on me. I found myself handling the situation and I did not feel
panicky. That felt real nice.
Junior's back was bothering him and he was getting real sleepy while waiting in the ER. He went to the car to take
a nap. In the meantime the Doctor came in to see me after a few hours that is. He wanted to admit me so I could get
a stress test the next day. Junior was outside and I was being moved. Panic wanted to settle in. It did not though
because I told the doctor where Junior was. The doctor had a security guard come in and get the information on our
car and such. He went out knocked on the window and Junior came in.
The old Janet would have panicked. I would have worried the whole situation to death to find out it wasn't that
big of a problem. Now I prayed and I asked and it worked out just fine. Junior got the rest he needed and I was
being taken care of. He came in and I told him the news. Since it was real late he went on home and I went to my
room.
When the doctor came to me the next morning we discussed that I was to have a stress test and then more than likely
I'd be released. I called Junior with the information and the estimated release time. He came to get me at that point.
I was glad he did not come earlier because I was in and out of my room quite a bit. I was glad when he showed up to
pick me up and we waited 3 hours more for me to be released. He was there when I needed him and that was nice.
It is tiring when a loved one is in the hospital. It takes a lot of energy to keep the fires at home going, to go to
the hospital and visit the sick loved one. Many times the sick loved one isn't feeling good so they are sleeping a lot.
I find I am happy when Junior stops by for a visit. I don't expect him to stay all day long at my side as well. Knowing
he is taking care of the house, the fur children and such brings comfort to me.
I am gratefull for a smart phone because I can look online from time to time. I watch a lot of TV and of course the
hospital staff tends to want to do blood work, take my vitals and such. Between naps, the cell phone, TV and the hospital
staff poking at me I don't mind that Junior is not at my side all day long.
I do like his visits though. His visits tell me that I matter. He sometimes will intercede for me as well. He will
ask the nurse for a snack for me. He will get the nurse if something is wrong. I do have the call button but when
Junior is around and helping I feel wanted. I don't need him all day long though.
Soon the hospital visit is done with and I am on my way home. At home it usually takes me a day or two to get back into
the swing of things. My routines are a comfort for me as I re-enter into them. I know when I am feeling stronger by how
many of my routines I am doing.
I find myself talking to God more as I am alone a lot. I find comfort and strength as I talk to God. It was hard for me
to pray but as I tried to fall asleep I attempted to walk through my prayers. I fell asleep in the middle of some of
them. I started over and over as I forgot what I'd asked for earlier. In all of that though I felt God's gentle hand
on me and panic was not ruling me.
The Scripture that says "I will not leave you or forsake you" comes to mind and in that I relax and roll with the
whole situation.
Where is your strength?
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet

February 6 2014

February 6 2014
Greetings My Friend,
I got home last night after an overnight visit to the ER. On Sunday I had
chest pain that would not go away so I thought it best to go get it checked
out. I was admitted to the hospital. Several EKG's and a stress test later I
found out that I did not have heart problems.
It appears that I do have stomach issues that was causing the pain in my chest. So I
will have this checked out as well. I attemtpted to keep my hope in God and tried to
allow the process to take shape as it will.
That is one of my prayers lately, "Your will, Lord" and then I ask "Give me the courage and
strength to handle what is coming my way." I know on my own I'd like to be a big baby. As I
kept having needles stuck into me I wanted to be a baby for sure. I have little veins so the
process is trying at times. It took three attempts to find a vein for the IV.
I know if I chatter during the process I won't be a big baby. I tell the person that is working
on me that my chatter is more for me and please excuse my constant babbling. They tend to giggle
at my comment. If it is rather painful I may say "cuss words" not using real ones but that phrase. In
that I am letting them know it hurts real bad. They begin to offer soothing words and we both get
through the moment.
The staff was real nice with me. They were patient as I was woke up and tired to figure out what they
needed from me. The people out here are so nice. I rarely get a cranky person. It amazes me to no end.
Their gentle words and ways speaks volumes to my heart.
My sleep was not good that night. First the pain kept me awake and sometimes as the pain subsided I would
find myself falling asleep. I finally got some medicine that quieted the pain down and then I was being woke
up for lab work and such. Later in the day I had a stress test done. I found myself falling asleep on and off
during the day.
When we got home I Went to bed and I slept all night. I slept 11 hours I was that tired. I woke up refreshed and
I was once again back to being "me." At this point I am working hard to stay warm. The temps have dropped to barely
in the single digits during the day so the heater is working overtime to keep the house at a decent temperature.We
have heaters helping the main heater. To add to this our water pipes are frozen, not the ones in the house but the
ones to the house. Junior is getting snow and melting it on the kerosene heater and the wood burner so we can wash
our hands, flush the toilet and such.
We have been drinking bottled water so that part is not too bad which gives us water to make coffee. All the fur children
are hanging out inside and only go outside for a bathroom visit. They snuggle on us to warm themselves up as well as warm
us up. It is precious.
At times like this I marvel at the spirit of "getting through the moment" I have. I marvel that I will survive so to speak
to tell the story in future years and I know again that I am a survivor. I am glad we aren't in MI as well because it is
even colder there than here. I also think all those "camping" experiences come into play as well.
Another thought comes to me. On FB I see a picture of a road cleared in Canada. The snow is several feet high at the side
of the road, more than out here and more than in MI. The thought that runs through my mind is "it is not greener" on the
other side of the road. It is different and many times what I am dealing with isn't as bad as what the next person is dealing
with.
I know my own struggles and I feel safe working through them. I often find myself gratefull that I am not struggling through the
next person's struggle. As I ponder this even more I find that we all have struggles in life. We all have moments of great
joy. To get through this life we will face a struggle or two. (even many more)
As I think on this some more it is when I get to the other side of a struggle that I look back and I marvel at what I was
able to walk through. For me I know I did not do it on my own but God has guided my steps. In my way of thinking God placed
camping on my heart years ago. As I learned how to cook over an open fire, to bring water for the week and such I begin
to see that those experiences have taught me how to deal with power outages and the like.
I also know that in short order the cold will lighten up and that life will be winter again. Spring will follow the winter and
summer will follow spring. Those moments are "hope" for me. I know that this will not last forever. During the warm season I
will soak up the warmth and enjoy it. I will also have moments during the warm weather. It may get extra hot for a few days. I
will find that hard to deal with. I will learn how to work through even this.
Now my thoughts turn to the end of life. In the end I will know that I lived life and lived it the best I could. I will know
moments I tried to do it on my own and failed. I will know moments where I trusted God to get me through the rough spots and
moments when God rejoiced right along side of me.
I have "hope" and that means I know that I know that the end will come and then I will be on another journey as I leave this
world. My "hope" is eternity with God. That is what often gets me through the harsh realities of life. That never ending journey
appeals to me. I sometimes wonder what will etertnity will be like and then I begin to trust that it will be wonderful
even if I don't know what is in store.
My heart breaks for the folks who do not accept the "hope" Jesus has brought us. Their eternity is not going to be so
wonderful. It will be painfull. I decide again to attempt to pass on the "hope" I have. I don't want to be over bearing
but I also don't want to be told "why didn't you tell me?"
Where is your hope? Do you believe in "life after death?" I do.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet

February 4 2014

February 4 2014
Greetings My Friend,
It is so cold outside that the heat in the house struggles to stay warm. Daisy sits
in front of the heater, moves for a moment and Cinnamon is quick to sit right in front
of the heater.Mindy is on my lap as I write and I feel her warmth.
My neck is screaming at me. I try to put my head back in the chair to rest it. I feel a
little tension leave. I realize the tension is from the cold and this time the cold is
settling in my neck. I guess I am glad that I only tend to get one area that acts up with
the humdity or cold. The last cold spell it was my arm. The one before was my foot.
Yesterday was the first time since Sunday that I went somewhere outside the house. We had a
Lowe's run and a Wal-Mart run. It felt good to get out for a bit. We picked up a seat cover
for my chair in the TV area, a few groceries and a new coat for Mindy. I find that dressing
my two girls up is a lot of fun. At first I could not see me doing this. I thought my days of
dressing up dolls or little girls were over with. Both girls need a coat on to go outside. At
this point I tend to find cute little coats. I can see me dressing them up this summer as well.
Today I made meatloaf for lunch. We eat our main meal at lunch time and a light meal at dinner
time. It works real nice for us. I have worked out how to make chicken and rice in the crock
pot in my mind and I have chicken thawing to give that a try.
I make a lot of meals in the crock pot these days. With our make shift kitchen this has become
my style of cooking choice. Between that and the toaster oven I would say I make the majority
of our meals. I am not big on the hot plate burner. I will use it from time to time but it is
not a choice I make often.
I guess the last five years since retirement have taught me how to be flexible. I have learned to
deal with life when organization can not be had. I have learned to work around tiredness. Instead
of waking up and tackling a work routine I now work here and there all day.
My computer has become my good friend. Sometimes I write, journal etc. Sometimes I am on social media
finding out about other's and their lives. It becomes the "filler" I use when I sit for a spell due
to fatigue. I use it for a spell and then I get up and do again.
I also have started using the internet to find answers to questions I have. Recently I was asking about
my birth defect on line and found some usefull information. This type of reading is sparodic and I tend
to be able to get my reading "fix" these days from my computer.
I have missed sitting down with a good book and letting it become my friend for a period of time. So why
can I concentrate using a computer but not read a book? All I know is it works. It is easy to put down
whatever I am reading and move onto something else easier than a book.
Part of my ADHD ways is the constant re-focusing and the computer tends to fill that void for me. For a few
days I get up and take my L-tyrosine and don't wait to eat breakfast. I hear from friends and Junior that I
am overly fidgety and talkitive again. I guess I will wait the 20 minutes before I eat which is what I shoud
do. It feels the same to me so I am totally unaware of my need to fidget, talk more than usual etc.
I am gratefull for an honest answer to my question about my fidgeting. It was given in love when I asked and now
I can do what will truly work. Take the supplement and wait 20 minutes. When I do this people seem to see a
difference and I am not annoying them.
I marvel again at how much my Doctor out here seems to be able to help me with my health struggles. As I could not
sleep more than a couple of hours at a time she had me do a sleep study. I need to sleep with a CPAP machine
and I am able to sleep 6-8 hours a night now. I do struggle getting to sleep some nights but once I get to
sleep I am out for the night.
I could not shake depression even with counseling which has worked for most of my life. I told my Doctor about
my depression and she put me on medication. Two years into this medication I see such forward movement. I have
walked away from fear. I could not walk away on my own and even in prayer. As I started taking the medication
I have been able to let go of fear.
My last struggle has been the constant fatigue I can't seem to shake. Taking vitamin b 12 has worked wonders for
me and I am functioning more like the woman I have been in the past.....slower but active and engaged again. I can
reason again. I can figure out how to work through un-organization in our home.
I believe down deep in my heart that God has directed "me." I have found answers as I worked through each issue from
doctor's and couselors. I am gratefull for each step that I've taken on this journey back to wholeness. It has been
a real struggle at times and I thought I'd never be "me" again. I am more "me" these days and life could not be
sweeter.
In fact I am a more content "me" these days. I am a thanfull "me" and my thankfullness tends to spill out as I pray
to God. For the first time in my life I am at peace with my past, my fear and my anger. As I settle down in Va I
am amazed at how much I love where we were directed to move. I love this house like I have never loved a home
before. I love our fur children to no end. Mylove for Junior is so much deeper than when I first married him. I never
believed this was possible with my first marriage and now God has shown me how a man and a woman can be best
friends. It is awesome beyond words.
My faith journey to this point has been a lot of hard work. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to admit that I am
a sinner and as I admitted it I began to learn how to walk away from some pretty nasty things in my life. I am thankfull
daily anymore. When I am grumpy I tend to pull out my "thankfullness" thoughts and stay in them until my grumpiness
leaves. I find myself praising God all over the place and even that feels wonderful. I don't question God anymore
about why life needs to be fully focused on Hin and His will. I know that I know that this is what I need to do
and accept it.
I realize again and again that turning my life over to God - "all of me" is good for me. I am able to give God more of
me. Do I give "all of me" yet? I am not sure I do. I'd like to think I do but about the time I think I do I find some
area of resistence. When I see the resistence I tend to ask God for His help and He always does. I am more open to
giving God whatever He asks me to give to Him for sure.
I am thankfull that God has given us a "will". I am also gratefull to learn how to give "all of me" to God as I am able.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet

February 1 2014

February 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,
Lately I can't seem to get to sleep at night. I made it to bed and asleep around 5:00 this
morning. I was back up at 11:00. How do I go from struggling to have energy to being up most
of the night? It dawns on me that it may be time to back off some of the vitamin b 12. So today is the first
day with none and then maybe if I need to I will add back a smaller dose.
The nice part of being awake is I had energy so I did some extra house cleaning while I was awake. That felt
good too. I organized some parts of the TV area that tends to get out of control. I am a basket person so I
place a few more baskets with the clutter in them. It looks a lot neater.
I am again getting anxious with Junior's progress. He is working hard so it is hard to be real mad at him. I
ponder "do you really need to work on that?" Right now he is working on high places for the cats to not have
to come down around the dogs. We have a cat tower that is long. We have another high place for Alex to live in
without ever having to come down. Junior put up a series of boards in the dining room for him to climb around
on.
My heart wants him to get the internet TV up and running. We'd save money not having a cable bill. I want him in
the kitchen working. I want, I want and he does what he does. I learn again and again to accept his work methods.
He will complete his work in his own way. In the meantime I need to be his cheerleader not one to nag him into
giving me what I want. I will get it. He has always completed what he started so I learn to accept Junior and
his work style.
I do like that it is too cold for him to work outside. He is pounding, sawing and right around the corner near
me. That feels nice. He does his thing. I do my thing, clean, write, excercise and we stop once or twice during
the day to chat. It works real nice. Evening time we tend to watch TV and talk. Real nice again.
As I was finally going to bed this morning Junior was getting up for the day. He has many hours up before I get
up for the day. We often tend to live on two different time zones due to our awake times. He is not ready to eat
when I am for obvious reasons. Lately I put something in the crock pot and it is ready when he wants food or when
I want food. It works.
I have made a list and wrote it on the chalk board. It is my attempt to not mention to Junior too many times things
I am looking forward to him accomplishing. It helps me but again I find that anxious feeling inside of me and I want
to gently mention to him a project. I don't though because I don't need to remember that I've already asked that. I
have a tendency to forget that I already asked and the third time he about as irritated as can be. So this is my
attempt to ask once.
With the list I find that he knows what needs to be done. I do find comfort in that so I am able to move on in my
anxiousness. As I move on I find another project to work on. I hang out on the internet and I find a site for my
birth defect. It is a place to ask questions and others answer with how they deal with it or the symptoms. I learn
some new stuff I've been dealing with is very likely my birth defect Chiaria Malformation. My brain stem is growing
into my vertebrae.
I knew my balance issues tend to be the result of this. I learn a few more things like when I strain I tend to get
a nasty headache. It is Chiaria Malformation. I can't seem to focus for long periods. Reading a book or playing computer
games are too difficult to concentrate on. Again I find this is more than likely my birth defect. I begin to
understand "me" a bit better.
At some point I may be wheel chair bound. My question is how long? I try to find an answer but don't. I ask my Chiropractor
and he thinks it may be a good 20 years. I absorb this and think by 80 I might get around faster in a wheel chair anyway.

Junior's back issues also may mean a wheel chair down the road. I think " won't we be cute wheeling around the house togeather."
I want to panic. I worry about how we will be cared for and I hear God gently nudge me and say "I've got this covered." I
relax and quit the panic mode.
With the bitter cold I have been keeping a coat on the two little dogs. To be honest I find myself liking dressing them up
and changing their outfits often. I think I may continue on with this little game this summer. I remember I liked dressing
up my dolls way back when and in a way this fills a need.
I washed Daisy yesterday. I wrapped her up in a towel when I was finished and we snuggled for a good little bit before she
got down and did the shake thing dogs do. I loved that as well. I loved that special closesness. Mindy falls asleep in my
lap most nights and as Junior goes to bed he takes her with him. She sleeps most days until I get up all curled up beside
him and then me. It is precious. Daisy gets up and down with me as I get up and down during the night. There is that prayer
of thankfullness again. Life is sweet. Days and months go by and I feel peace. It is the first time in my life. I have
felt safe with God but God has helped me work out a lot of things since I began this faith journey. Today I feel the
peace again and I am thankfull for each step. I know I will have more struggles in life but again I feel safe and I don't
feel alone.
May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.
Love
Janet