February 4 2014

February 4 2014
Greetings My Friend,
It is so cold outside that the heat in the house struggles to stay warm. Daisy sits
in front of the heater, moves for a moment and Cinnamon is quick to sit right in front
of the heater.Mindy is on my lap as I write and I feel her warmth.
My neck is screaming at me. I try to put my head back in the chair to rest it. I feel a
little tension leave. I realize the tension is from the cold and this time the cold is
settling in my neck. I guess I am glad that I only tend to get one area that acts up with
the humdity or cold. The last cold spell it was my arm. The one before was my foot.
Yesterday was the first time since Sunday that I went somewhere outside the house. We had a
Lowe's run and a Wal-Mart run. It felt good to get out for a bit. We picked up a seat cover
for my chair in the TV area, a few groceries and a new coat for Mindy. I find that dressing
my two girls up is a lot of fun. At first I could not see me doing this. I thought my days of
dressing up dolls or little girls were over with. Both girls need a coat on to go outside. At
this point I tend to find cute little coats. I can see me dressing them up this summer as well.
Today I made meatloaf for lunch. We eat our main meal at lunch time and a light meal at dinner
time. It works real nice for us. I have worked out how to make chicken and rice in the crock
pot in my mind and I have chicken thawing to give that a try.
I make a lot of meals in the crock pot these days. With our make shift kitchen this has become
my style of cooking choice. Between that and the toaster oven I would say I make the majority
of our meals. I am not big on the hot plate burner. I will use it from time to time but it is
not a choice I make often.
I guess the last five years since retirement have taught me how to be flexible. I have learned to
deal with life when organization can not be had. I have learned to work around tiredness. Instead
of waking up and tackling a work routine I now work here and there all day.
My computer has become my good friend. Sometimes I write, journal etc. Sometimes I am on social media
finding out about other's and their lives. It becomes the "filler" I use when I sit for a spell due
to fatigue. I use it for a spell and then I get up and do again.
I also have started using the internet to find answers to questions I have. Recently I was asking about
my birth defect on line and found some usefull information. This type of reading is sparodic and I tend
to be able to get my reading "fix" these days from my computer.
I have missed sitting down with a good book and letting it become my friend for a period of time. So why
can I concentrate using a computer but not read a book? All I know is it works. It is easy to put down
whatever I am reading and move onto something else easier than a book.
Part of my ADHD ways is the constant re-focusing and the computer tends to fill that void for me. For a few
days I get up and take my L-tyrosine and don't wait to eat breakfast. I hear from friends and Junior that I
am overly fidgety and talkitive again. I guess I will wait the 20 minutes before I eat which is what I shoud
do. It feels the same to me so I am totally unaware of my need to fidget, talk more than usual etc.
I am gratefull for an honest answer to my question about my fidgeting. It was given in love when I asked and now
I can do what will truly work. Take the supplement and wait 20 minutes. When I do this people seem to see a
difference and I am not annoying them.
I marvel again at how much my Doctor out here seems to be able to help me with my health struggles. As I could not
sleep more than a couple of hours at a time she had me do a sleep study. I need to sleep with a CPAP machine
and I am able to sleep 6-8 hours a night now. I do struggle getting to sleep some nights but once I get to
sleep I am out for the night.
I could not shake depression even with counseling which has worked for most of my life. I told my Doctor about
my depression and she put me on medication. Two years into this medication I see such forward movement. I have
walked away from fear. I could not walk away on my own and even in prayer. As I started taking the medication
I have been able to let go of fear.
My last struggle has been the constant fatigue I can't seem to shake. Taking vitamin b 12 has worked wonders for
me and I am functioning more like the woman I have been in the past.....slower but active and engaged again. I can
reason again. I can figure out how to work through un-organization in our home.
I believe down deep in my heart that God has directed "me." I have found answers as I worked through each issue from
doctor's and couselors. I am gratefull for each step that I've taken on this journey back to wholeness. It has been
a real struggle at times and I thought I'd never be "me" again. I am more "me" these days and life could not be
sweeter.
In fact I am a more content "me" these days. I am a thanfull "me" and my thankfullness tends to spill out as I pray
to God. For the first time in my life I am at peace with my past, my fear and my anger. As I settle down in Va I
am amazed at how much I love where we were directed to move. I love this house like I have never loved a home
before. I love our fur children to no end. Mylove for Junior is so much deeper than when I first married him. I never
believed this was possible with my first marriage and now God has shown me how a man and a woman can be best
friends. It is awesome beyond words.
My faith journey to this point has been a lot of hard work. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to admit that I am
a sinner and as I admitted it I began to learn how to walk away from some pretty nasty things in my life. I am thankfull
daily anymore. When I am grumpy I tend to pull out my "thankfullness" thoughts and stay in them until my grumpiness
leaves. I find myself praising God all over the place and even that feels wonderful. I don't question God anymore
about why life needs to be fully focused on Hin and His will. I know that I know that this is what I need to do
and accept it.
I realize again and again that turning my life over to God - "all of me" is good for me. I am able to give God more of
me. Do I give "all of me" yet? I am not sure I do. I'd like to think I do but about the time I think I do I find some
area of resistence. When I see the resistence I tend to ask God for His help and He always does. I am more open to
giving God whatever He asks me to give to Him for sure.
I am thankfull that God has given us a "will". I am also gratefull to learn how to give "all of me" to God as I am able.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet