February 15 2014

February 18 2014

Greetings My Friend,

My CPAP machine is broken. I am back to sleeping a couple of hours and then waking up for a few hours. At times I struggle to breathe. My CPAP helps me with my deviated septum. I should be getting a new machine soon but for now I struggle.

I went a night or two using my barely operational machine. Junior has noticed my struggle and has insisted I use his machine. It is hard because he needs his as well. With his machine though I have had a better nights sleep. I should have the new one tomorrow I hope.

For some reason I still marvel when Junior tends to “hear” my struggle. I've not been “heard” for so long that being “heard” is strange to me. As he “hears” me though I tend to move through the struggle and find solutions. He also will let me run thoughts by him.

I was talking to my sister about my latest struggle. I mentioned how I will feel congested often and she mentioned that Mom and Dad were heavy smokers along with my ex. She thinks that I may have some damage in the lungs and frankly it made sense.

I know I feel all “proud” when I am asked if I smoke and if I ever smoked and my answer is “no.” I have been divorced for 17 years now which means I've been away from having constant smoke in my home. Junior and I don't allow smoking in our home and neither one of us smokes. To be honest I love it.

In humid weather I struggle to walk my usual walking route. I seem to struggle doing something as simple as sweeping the floor. As I finish I am winded and need to sit down. I also have not said anything to my doctor. When she listens to my lungs she says they sound good. At this point though I do think I need to mention this struggle.

At first I think “not another problem.” One by one I have been moving through my various struggles and I was thinking I was nearing the end only to realize I have another issue that needs to be addressed. I want to be depressed, the whole nine yards. I am not though. I give this struggle over to God as well and I begin the process of working through what I need.

I also find some relief. I could not figure out why I would feel so winded doing a fairly simple task. It makes sense though. Even though I am winded and have to stop I find that if I relax for a bit I am able to get up and move about again. So as I see a picked up home or make another meal I feel good.

Even when I am walking on the elliptical I find that I need to do it in increments. I walk, rest and walk again and I am closing in on 20 minutes of exercise. I watch the news and eat lunch while I get on the elliptical. It works real nice to be honest.

As I write I realize that I am working through my struggle and not giving up. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am not giving up. Depression is not taking hold of me and for that I am very grateful. I may not be able to run a marathon but I am moving and doing.

Being home more and running less also feels good. We tend to need to get out of the house once or twice a week. We do and I love it. The running does tire me out so the next day I find myself moving even slower. That too feels good. At this point I know that I will be back to my old self in short order. I move about as I am able in the real slow down moments and I find things getting done.

Junior has hung a door to the enclosed porch. He has made another puppy door for the fur children to come in on their own. The doorway up until now has had no door so now they need to be able to get in to the living areas and Junior has made them a way.

I do like the kids letting themselves in and out as they need. When a car comes by they often want to go outside and bark at it. They can and I don't have to let them out. Daisy is the only one that seems to think she needs to be let out through the door. She comes in through the puppy door. Silly girl.

God....He is always near. As I pray I tend to think about God's faithfulness. To me He is always near. That comforts me. I truly am not alone in this world. As I realize I am not alone I find that I have confidence. It is not confidence in me but in God and I move about life with more ease.

I have more struggles to deal with. That is OK, God is guiding me.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet