February 18 2014

February 15 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I have my new computer at last. It seems like an eternity since the old one went bad....useable but not. I now have a new computer that doesn't act silly every other minute. I also have spell check again and of course that makes me real happy. I have a tendency to not know which words have double letters and which one don't so spell check helps me.

I had my follow up visit with my doctor yesterday. She wants me to have a scope put down my stomach so we can see what is going on. I also mentioned my stumbling to her. I asked her about the birth defect I have. Apparently she does not think that the birth defect is the cause of my stumbling. So she wants me to see a neurologist for that. I again think that my job in old age is to go to various doctor appointments. It is what it is.

There is a part of me that wants to panic. I begin with all the questions trying to force their way through my brain. I find myself dwelling on them and then I begin praying. I ask for God's direction and for strength. As I lift up my prayer I begin to settle down and those thoughts aren't coming in so fast and soon they are gone all together. It does no good to go through the “what if” questions because in the end it may be nothing or there will be nothing I can do about the situation.

To me the prayer helps me stay grounded on the “now” of the problem and as I receive answers I will be able to deal with what needs to be dealt with. I continue to take the struggles to God and I find myself facing what I must face without all the drama that I used to cave into.

Once I found out I had cancer I started dealing with following the doctor's orders. I started my prayers asking for God's help and for God to give me courage as I faced unpleasant procedures. I learn to live in the moment and frankly it is easier.

I only went through radiation. The radiation did me in though. I believe my “lack” these last few years are the result of radiation and cancer. As I deal with all the stuff that has been happening, one by one I find answers and then I move onto the next until I am now functioning better than I have been. It is a process and it takes time. I also learn that my faith journey is a process and I continue to find myself growing.

In my older years I also learn to slow down and work on housework, day to day life one at a time. In breaking down my day to moment by moment steps I find that I am able to do a days work. My days work now can take me all day but that is OK. I accept that life needs to move slower and in the slowness I find the day to fill in rather nicely. It works.

I still find myself wanting Junior to renovate quicker and I get irritated with myself. He is working as hard as he can the best he can. If I am slowing down so is he since he is seven years older than I am. God is the one who helps me not be impatient, it sure isn't me on my own.

Again I am grateful for the prayer for our marriage that God has helped me pray for years now. As I continue to bring my frustration to God I find that I tend to back off from the need to nag my husband and to be overbearing. As I don't fuss at Junior he continues renovating and the house continues to take shape and I am often thrilled with the results beyond belief. So God gets my “mouth” and He helps me to see the good in my husband. It works real nice to be honest.

I continue to marvel at how much Junior and I enjoy each other. It isn't what we've done on our own. It is “us” taking our marriage to God and God teaching us to be what the other one needs. I learn to quit wanting life to go my way and to seek Junior's highest good. For some reason that begins to feel good. The more I seek Junior's highest good the more content I feel.

There have been moments as well that I had a need. It needed to be addressed and God was working on Junior's heart. Junior gave me what I needed and I did not need to ask. It amazes me when this happens and I continue along the journey of Agape love. It is awesome really.

Both Junior and I know dysfunction real well. We were raised in dysfunction and then grew up to marry into dysfunction. For both of us our faith journey has led us out of our dysfunctional thinking and way of handling life.

We still have what I call “bus driver” moments. Some things Junior does will take me back to those years. Housebreaking our dogs was one of those moments. Until I met Junior all the men in my life caved into their anger. Anyone around them often felt their blows including animals. Junior has been very patient but firm with the fur children. It has taken me up to the last puppy we just got to be able to hear Junior say “bad dog” and not panic. These days I hear those words and I don't talk to myself or pray. I just let him correct Mindy and then I move on. Before I was paralyzed. It took me a while to be able to enter into the same room with Junior due to my fear.

Junior also has his moments with me. His first wife was constantly sick and wanted Junior to be near him all the time. It has taken Junior time but he is not fussing with me these days as I struggle like he once was. He felt his first wife tended to want attention more than there was a real problem. He has to sort out his “ex” and “me” as I struggle. These days though he knows that my struggles are real and that I tend to handle pain and what have you. I have to be able to “say” what is wrong with me. I do it more for reporting purposes and then I want to be left to deal with my pain.

Junior has also learned that I don't expect him to sit up in the hospital room with me all day every day. First of all the doctor's want tests done and I am being taken all over the hospital for those tests. That means he'd be sitting in the room alone. I'd rather have Junior pop in for a bit and visit and not sit there all day. I also don't mind talking with him on the phone. We connect and that is what is important to me.

We've been married 15 years now. We still have moments we need to work through. We take our struggles to God and He opens our hearts to each other. We both are happier than we have ever known before we met each other. It is God. It sure “ain’t” anything we've done on our own. On our own we would have drove the other one crazy.

Are you taking your marriage to God? Is it time?

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.

Love

Janet.