October 29, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I must say that I am enjoying the warm days we are experiencing so far this fall. We are having several 80 degree days and they feel nice. We tend to leave the screen door open and Miss Daisy is using the open screen door to take herself outside. She cracks me up because she will now go out the doggy door but she comes in the other doggy door near the kitchen. At least she knows it is there to use and I have a feeling that come winter she will go out and not go very far coming back in asap. Daisy is also feisty these days when we get ready to go away and I tell her she needs to stay, only to be getting into the truck to see her looking up at me wanting to go. Sometimes we concede and take her while other times we tell her no because it will not be good for her to be in the truck when we are not in it. On the same vein Roscoe our rescue cat has started wandering out of the spare bedroom more. Today while I was cleaning a corner in the sitting room Roscoe came out to inspect what I was doing and another room or two. That always makes me happy when he ventures out. I have had him on the cat walkway in the dinning room but he is still not sure he likes it. He sees the dogs and gets fussy and then wants to go back to the spare bedroom. Next week I see my PCP which is 2 months since I last saw her when she said she was sending me to Vanderbilt University Hospital for them to do some diagnostics on why my gait continues to decline. I will then ask why they have not called me or what is going on. At this point I have quit being concerned and have decided I need to be patient with whatever comes my way. I have started seeing new changes in my decline so I think when I finally do go in for the tests something should show up. I also am finding myself being bewildered at the changes within my body. Recently I decided to clean a corner where my material for sewing was getting out of control. The struggle was getting up from being on the ground. I have had this problem for a while but it is usually a struggle getting back up with me grabbing onto something. With the cleaning out the corner I had to get up and down several times while I unpacked an overflowing cube, wiped out a plastic 3 drawer container and this bothered me a ton. I sit often on my chair with my legs crossed Indian style, if I hold onto something I can reach the floor with my hands stretching downward so I feel like I am flexible to some extent. It is my disability I am sure but in my mind I feel like I should be able to navigate this much easier. I need the walker as I walk around the house and I am making myself use it more rather than wandering off on my own steam. I tell myself that my decline is slowing down but I am not so sure it is. This is another growing in my struggle moment. I find that I release my concern into God's hands and remember that He is quiet aware of what is going on in my life. When I focus on this I am able to accept what is going on. I told Junior that I want us to use his truck for our outings for as long as I am able to pull myself up into the cab using the running board and handle inside the cab. I feel this is also a way to stay as mobile as long as possible. I also use my arm muscles to pull myself up and that means I should be able to push myself more in the wheelchair. Lastly learning to focus that God is walking alongside of me helps a lot and I see what I do have with my thankful prayers. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 27, 2016

Greetings My Friend, In the NT Jesus teaches about the seeds that are sown, one on rocky soil and it comes up strong but withers quickly, one that is sown on good soil which grows strong and 3rd one sown I can not remember right now, the idea though is that our faith is much the same, some grow quickly in their faith only to be distracted with life's ups and downs and other are sown and grows steadily, becomes strong and produces fruit. This of course is a very general idea of what is written. Today In 1 Kings 11 I read about Solomon and how he married many foreign wives who tore him away from worship the true God of his fathers. Early on God had insisted that His people not intermarry with the nations they were overtaking and those around them. The people of Israel agreed not to and then went in to over take the land and soon they were intermarrying, following other gods and in the process turned away from their God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Many people today toy with all kinds of ways to find that inner peace, I have even met some who seem very relaxed and spiritual. At one time I was taken with the eastern religions, yoga and such. I loved yoga a lot for stretching and calming breaths. After I came to a faith journey in the Lord Jesus I slowed down on my love of yoga and stopping all together. I found the answers I was looking for in the Bible. Nothing grieves God more than for us to take our focus off of Him and attempt to find the peace He gives elsewhere. Today my goal is to commit each day to the Lord Jesus and to be filled with His will for my life. I did not know what an insult all these other religions were to God was until I started reading the Bible and now I am upset with myself for this. I have learned in this faith journey that God does not want me to keep mulling over my mistakes, my sins but to confess them and allow God to cleanse me, mainly by teaching me to walk away from those things that come between me and Him. For me I attempt to ask God with each prayer to put me, this day and every day to His holy use. By stating this awkward prayer each day I find that my focus stays on God, the things of His will many of which I find in the Bible as I read it almost daily. The more I learned to do this I find myself asking God to teach me to stay committed to many of the relationships He has put me in such as my marriage to Junior. Junior is human and I admit that he annoys me at times and I can tell that I annoy him as well, two imperfect people living side by side can create a lot of friction. As I ask God to use me daily I also ask Him to teach me to be what Junior needs and a very helpful part of my prayer is asking God to open my eyes and heart to Junior. It works and I am grateful because I find myself recommitting to him daily alongside of recommitting myself to God daily. The more I am committed I also find my spiritual roots growing deeper withstanding the storms of life. I find when I take my eyes off of Jesus that I begin to wither and be beaten down by life. When the beginnings of our move from Michigan started to form I was excited and then I sunk fast into a spiraling downward turn in my health. Junior managed the move mostly on his own as I slept most days. I kept praying and slowly God showed me things I could do to improve my health. I have taken a few more turns in my health along the way but today I am moving through the struggles easier because I am learning to keep my focus on Jesus. Through each storm God taught me lessons, gave me an armor to defend myself with and I am able to face the struggles. I pray I never invite other gods into my life again. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 25, 2016

October 25, 2016 Greetings My Friend, Getting caught up in pride can be as simple as telling myself to keep going knowing full well when I am as tired as I feel I will not do a good job. I did that yesterday and I missed church today because I pushed myself beyond my limits. When I do not go to church I feel a piece of me missing. I do okay when I am sick and miss church, I do not want to spread my germs, I feel so cruddy etc. but missing church because I wanted to sew a skirt after a long day was stupid which opened my eyes to the factI was being prideful. I wanted to wear a new skirt that I made, why to feel prettier, maybe receive a compliment or two. Each time I went to bed throughout the night I laid there thinking about how to fix my huge mistake. I got up one time and tried something that made the mistake worse. When I was finally able to drift off to sleep, I figured out how to fix my mistake and came face to face with pride. When I think of pride I do not think of these little things that seem so insignificant, I think of the boasting or arrogant type of pride where it is up in front of the world. In the midst of my reflection I met pride on another level, I notice that I continue to attempt to wander off without the walker and by doing this I am extra tired and struggling to stay on top of the things I want to do. At first I felt I had a good reason which was to be able to demonstrate my lack of coordination when I go for diagnostic testing at the University hospital. I am nearly 2 months in waiting and I realize that with the walker my coordination has gotten worse so I do not really need to make myself tired to display what is going on. Little by little pride started working its deceitful message of you can last longer on your feet not giving into aids that will help. Once I start using them I will never be the same so keep going. I also still fall prey to if you work hard enough you will no longer be handicapped. Lies, how I listen to them and even believe them! Last night all of this came at me full blast and I found myself in prayer asking God to forgive me. I asked God first off this morning when I woke up and started to function if I could sew and I got a strong "no". I then made my way into the kitchen making meatloaf muffins and turkey burgers and in the midst of all of this a man came to the door selling meat. He is somewhat like the Swanson people selling door to door. We listened and decided to try the chicken package which was only breasts. Junior and I are not fond of chicken breasts but we thought, we are on the way to stocking our freezers with meat and the meat was grown and processed here in the south. Once the salesman left we packaged the meat into gallon bags labeling them and dating them. I understood why God said not to sew today, He knew we would buy this package of meat and need to attend to it. In another hour we will leave to go to night church Bible study. I am looking forward to a time of fellowship, learning and being in God's house worshiping Him. I know that I am starting fresh on my walk away from the strongholds in my life with God's help. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 22, 2016

Greetings My Friend, Today has been a "just roll with it kind of day". I did my quiet time with God and found myself getting up entering into this Saturday with the cooking done for this week or so I thought. I pulled out some meat to make chicken soup to put into my homemade broth and some ground meat for hamburgers, meatloaf muffins to find that the ground meat had not thawed and I was hungry, so I put in place plan B, egg muffins with home made bread. At that point we finished off the egg muffins so I needed to make more, I keep them on hand for quick meals or something to grab if we are running so we won't get fast food. Next I decide to make more egg muffins before I realized there was no sausage cooked up to put in them. We have adopted Boogie and Debbie's method of boiling the ground meat and then draining the water off of it. It works out real nice. Once the sausage was done I was tired so off I went to take a nap. Today's nap was a short one 20 minutes to a half hour which makes me real happy. While getting lunch together Junior informs me that after his nap we will head to Lowe's and grocery shopping, I was planning on making a skirt so plan C is in the making as I write. At one time in my life these interruptions would have thrown me into a thither, not so today. I keep seeing that the work gets done or it is not that important. I was a little irritated I grew so tired although I know this is what I deal with. Some days I don't need much of a nap and other days I conk out for a few hours. The closer to the weekend I get the more I need a longer nap so today's short nap surprised me. Last week I could not get to sleep until late into the morning and this week has been about 1:00 am when I am nodding off which is later than I'd like to fall asleep but life keeps teaching me to roll with it. I have learned to start my day when I wake up no matter what time I wake up and it helps me tons. I do have a hard time making myself get things done late into the night. A friend mentioned that she did a lot of sewing when she had a family and she found that if she had things cut out she sat down to sew when time opened up for her. Yesterday I cut out 3 skirts to sew and now the game plan is to work on them as time allows. This would help me at night when I am awake late into the night. Settling into my older years has been a lot of change, learning to live with change, learning new ways to do old things and in the process I find I have not gotten stuck in the mind set of it has always been that way and desire to stay stagnant. All of this upheaval has opened the door for learning new things and a wonderful joy with growing and learning. I believe God has allowed some of these things to happen in my life so that I stay active, growing and not stagnant. I am grateful to learn lots of new things and from the growth we are eating home made bread instead of store bought, less processed food, sleeping under quilts I have made and so much more. Junior has been learning how to renovate which is keeping him active both physically and mentally. We know it is not us but God who is working in us. Junior will be 70 in a few weeks and I marvel that we can still do most things although in different ways these days. We see around here in Clintwood where people are into their 80's and beyond keeping up their house, farm and so much more. That is awesome and Junior and I are working toward this goal with God's guidance. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 20, 2016

Greetings My Friend, As I write it is Friday, I got up this morning and did my quiet time and I was going to start a second Bible study with a group online. I read the chapter last night in the middle of the night and frankly my brain was not connecting well so I was going to read the same chapter again after my quiet time. The phone rang interrupting my plans which means I was a bit irritated, it was Brenda and we have had moments of great friendship and moments of "oh no, now what?" Right now Brenda is dealing with cancer, her tumor is not shrinking and she is upset understandably. I knew I would answer the phone and hangout with her so I answered the phone with the expectation that my plans were going astray. I had not gotten dressed so I proceeded making the bed, filling the CPAP machines etc. We talked a while longer so I decided to put lunch on. When I finally hung up I understood the importance of giving of your time some more. I found myself encouraging Brenda to minister to another person in order for her to take her mind off of all the junk that is going on right now. She mentioned a man who came in for Chemo how bad he looked and she tried to make a silly comment to him. She wanted to take away some of the sadness she saw in him. That is the moment I realized how important it is for us to reach out to others. We in the church usually call it ministring to others and it is good for us as much as it is for the people we are reaching out to. I remember the summer I was divorced, I decided to stick with my role as an adviser to teens. That particular summer we were going to help 3 different groups one a thrift store, one an abused women's shelter and I forget the last one. Anyway I was selected to work with the women's shelter painting rooms. As an adviser I worked with the teens organizing them and showing them how to work the projects and teaching them how respond to the women who were around us. It hit me more than once that summer that I should have been in a shelter during my marriage. I did not go to one because I kept thinking I was not the candidate to utilize one. I was ashamed too, I felt I should have learned how to deal with the craziness of the life I was in and a host of other things so that summer I came to terms with the need I truly had. I got through the moments though, talked with some of the women knowing their pain. I told my story, that is important at first telling the story so I shared some things. They shared and frankly that group of women wound up helping me face the struggle I had ahead of me. I helped them, they helped me and we healed a little. For a little while my problems did not seem as hard as I thought they were. It is those moments when we connect with someone else who is a little further along in the walk we have gone through. I have had cancer and Brenda knew that I could understand so she reached out to me. The more I focused on Brenda I also had little time to wonder about why I have not been called in for my diagnostic testing yet. I know it will come when it comes in the meantime though I want it to be in progress or over with and learning how to work through my disorder. I saw in our conversation that each step come when it is the right time as slow as it seems at times. After Brenda hung up I ate lunch with Junior and then I began the long process of shelling chestnuts. They are shelled and now are dehydrating so I can make flour. I am anxious to make my first batch of flour and try a few recipes. Keeping busy helps keep my thoughts quiet too. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 18, 2016

Greetings My Friend, Living in our home as we renovate is a struggle at times, other times I am so glad we are living in the home. Yesterday as I was pinning the quilt on the table island we have I felt it was too wide once more. When Junior came by we started talking about what we want the table to look like that he will make for the kitchen and we both agreed we would like our island table half the size of the one we have now. Next we looked at making the island U shaped or L shaped and I am thinking on one side placing the sink and stove. Junior is not sure he wants this. I know that Junior will think out the best use while I want pretty at the end of the day the best use makes more sense so I will be happy with what he decides. I am grateful that he listens to my thoughts and many times he will use them while other times he will not. That is what I have always wanted someone to listen and then we decide what is best. I also have so many ideas that I will change my mind several times, the sweet thing is Junior stops and listens each time I have a new idea he has learned I am working it out like a puzzle piece and he wants to hear each of them so he can pick and choose as he works the the final plans. I love that once Junior starts thinking on how he wants to work a room he will have me come look at what he is thinking about as he shows me what he wants here and over there. In my heart I believe we are nearing the stage of getting the finishing touches in place for the kitchen. I see a wire mesh on the roof of the carport which means Junior is nearing the end of this project, just in time for winter's snow and ice. Once the carport is done Junior will work much more in the kitchen and start the process of finishing off insulating the enclosed porch for the master bedroom and TV room. I am not sure if he will break the porch project into 2 sections for insulating time will tell. I asked Junior about how many feet will be added to the TV room and he thinks it will be about 6 feet,not bad if you ask me. I have enjoyed the small space and I also know that a bit more will be nice too. At first I thought the 3 season room could be where I craft, but knowing me I would not, I would want to be working in the TV room where Junior and I relax the most. I marvel what we have accomplished in this house over the last 7 years or so. It had been left unused, rented and started renovating on and off and was a mess. It is now comfortable and loved by us. Junior who knew very little carpentry when he started is getting so much more confident in his abilities and I am learning new things and relearning old things again. I have work to attend to these days now that I am feeling more energetic. Junior has work to do since he did not want to retire but wanted to work his entire life. God knew us so much more than we knew ourselves. I saw that we would do mission trips and out reach ministries in some form. We have not gone on any mission trips since I retired and ministry is not outreach like we knew in the past. We still have ministry to each other, to our community and even to our fur children. I have a writing ministry that I enjoy a ton and our lives are rich in the Lord. I have learned that what I thought I would do and what I end up doing may not coincide but it is just right. God knows and God will show us the way. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 15, 2016

Greetings My Friend, My thoughts today are about chestnuts and quilts. Today I worked on both and I learned something new with both of them. Yesterday I went to Fabric House in Pound to get some material to make some skirts with and while I was there I asked about tying a quilt. I had ran a seam down the quilt with the back on and quickly found I did not want to do the whole quilt this way so I looked on Pintrest and Youtube to see what else I could do. I learned the technique is called tying off the quilt. Susan showed me how to do this method on a piece of scrap and batten. Today I began the process of pinning the quilt for tying it off. I have a row and a half done and I am seeing how tying off the quilt will hold all the pieces together. I was so unaware of the way quilting works on the process of keeping the pieces together. On the other quilts I sewed the seams and was happy enough with this method. Three of my quilts I did not use batten because I was not looking for a lot of warmth. In the midst of this my cousin Dawn called me and we got to talking about my quilt she asked me if I had taken lessons. I told her that I had not and I am making up my own process along the way. When I was 18 I made a quilt with no knowledge of the quilting process. I saw squares on the quilts I had seen in my lifetime. I figured out to make a pattern for a square and then I cut out squares, sewed them together finishing off with a sheet for the back. Back then I did not do the 2nd seam to hold the front to the back, I came up with that with the 1st quilt I made for Junior. I made 3 that way. This quilt I decided I needed to do something besides sewing the seams together so in came the research on tying the quilt. This quilt I wanted for winter so I sewed a sheet on the inside and a flannel sheet on the outside back of the quilt. I love looking at the pretty quilts but I prefer the more rustic looking quilt squares. I ran out of pins so this project is on hold for a few days until I get out to get some. Next I worked on some chestnuts or was it before, anyway you get the idea. I looked up a video on how to roast them so I could get the outside layer off, I found a method using water and the microwave so I went to town. I peeled the outside layer off and tasted my 1st chestnut which was okay. Now I need to see how to make chestnut flour or maybe chestnut butter. I marvel again at God's provision for us in the craziness of these times. We have several "crops" that are growing wild on our 9 acres like rasphberries, blackberries, walnuts, ginseng and chestnuts. We have a root cellar on this property and this year we are using this to store apples and potatoes and I dehydrated over 20 jars, baggies of fruits and vegetables. I did some canning and vegetable gardening over 30 years ago and then I entered into city, urban life leaving the back to the roots kind of lifestyle. Today I have picked up from years ago and I am loving this back to the earth way of life. I am not at this point able to plant a huge vegetable garden so I bought fruits and vegetables in season and dried them. We also don't have the ability to care for farm animals at this time if ever so we are buying our meat too. We are starting to get our meat from a meat packing place in Castlewood and I like this idea too. I do not know how far our efforts will take us but we will keep working at this for a while anyway. We have 2 sources of heat, wood stove and propane, we have our own well and a lot of produce on our property that is growing wild. That is awesome. We have a septic field for our sewage and we have a generator for electricity if the power goes out. Down the road we will find an alternative source for our electric needs. I thank God for pointing us in this direction and for all of the provisions found on our land and in our home. I love this lifestyle a ton. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 13, 2016

Greetings My Friend, For some reason I have been intrigued by the homestead lifestyle. They mostly are off the grid a bit away from urban America and sustain themselves for the most part, by bartering and using very little money to live. In recent years I have become doubtful of the power companies that supply our water, handle our sewage and heat and strive to have our own heat, water supply and eventually our own electric supply. In this I am learning to put up food for the winter and I have learned that many homesteaders put up a supply of food for a year, I think from planting season to planting season the next year. This too appeals to me and I have begun this journey to some extent. I have found that for us it may take a while to get to this point of a years supply of food staples. My new thought is that we build at this for a year getting food staples, meat, fruits and vegetables and such. Recently I read of a good way to work through this process is to have a set amount of money for the extra things and not to get those with the groceries when I am doing weekly shopping. I believe this will help me a lot. Yesterday we were doing our weekly shopping at Walmart since I needed to get a bobbin winder and then we did grocery shopping. These days we get me the wheelchair from the grocery store. The idea is we will not be as apt to impulse buy due to the limited space in the basket on the wheelchair. I wanted to get a sack of potatoes and a bag of apples mainly to put in the root cellar since these are in season right now. We needed the space so we will pick those items up during the week. As much as I want to wait I struggle picking up extras and this week the basket space was more limited which is making me keep to the program. I have decided I should make a list of what we need like flour and then determine approximately how much we will need for a year. By shopping the list I believe it will be easier to achieve our goal. Junior has 2 rooms to start renovating on and finish the kitchen. Once those rooms are done most of the renovation process will be over with. He will then need to fine tune things like redoing more of the ceilings in each room finishing a deck on the back of the house and such. I am not able to get around in the yard that well so gardening seems to be low on our list of priorities. We do have some plants we put in pots and I am sure this will be perfected. I see that once fruits and vegetables are in season we will more than likely buy them and preserve them. The same with meat we will buy it from a meat packing place since tending for animals is difficult for us to do. The more we learn to rely on the earth's bounty the closer to God we have become. I like this closeness so much. Training ourselves to see that all of the things we have in our modern times is difficult, I think I have to have the latest gadget to keep our home clean, comfortable or beautiful is truly more work. Junior and I are decorating our home in primitive decor and in so doing he is making the cabinets in the kitchen very rustic. This shows me that the simpler design is easier and less work. I have begun to think that much of technology does not save us but gives us one more thing to stay on top of. We have no true down time anymore even if we don't answer that text or phone call it will intrude on the moment. Breaking away from all of the noise of our world seems to make sense. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 11, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I hear it down deep inside of me as I read. I feel sad and I almost know how God feels as I read 3 times in Ezekiel 30 God says "Then they will know that I am the the Lord." I have a daughter who will not call me Mom or Mother, she insists on calling me by my given name Janet, I hurt when she does this even though I keep correcting her and asking her to call me Mom. To me it is a slap in the face for the love and work I did while raising her. Now that I see God cries out to us to acknowledge Him as the Lord,our God I truly understand His sadness. He created us, the awesome world around us and we think we are on the same level as He is. He displays His awesome power to the Jewish nation time after time. They are in awe of God when He rescues them for but a moment before they are back to worshiping false idols, made of wood and stone and cannot breathe. God parted the Red sea to have the people of Jacob pass by on dry land for them to forget a few chapters later and moan about being brought out into the desert to die of hunger and thirst. God displays His awesome power over and over generation after generation only to find that past believers and current believers will soon forget what He has done for them. God teaches us to give Him accolades, to confess, to be thankful and to ask for what His people need and His people soon quit worshiping the true God in favor of a feel good god and a what have you done for me lately attitude which often requires more than the true God. All God wants is to be acknowledged and revered by His creation and His creation refuses. I find that we humans seek to be acknowledged and loved all the time. I want the love and acceptance of my husband, my children and when I do not have that my life is full of great sadness. If I feel this way then I think our true God feels a pain just as deep. When I return from a long day away from home I go to the phone and see who called but may have not left a message in the hopes one of my children has called me. Time after time I do not see their phone number on the caller ID as I scan it. I feel a sense of loss and a deep sadness well inside of me and many times I turn to God for the comfort I seek. He always fills that huge void in my life and I soon let go of that not wanted feeling. Day after day I find that I rely on God so deeply to help me to face each trial I face, every moment of despair that attempts to overwhelm me. I long to please God with all of my heart and soul and mind. I even have moments where I am afraid if my deepest longing in my heart were to be fulfilled I would soon forget all the times God was at my side holding me, comforting me. I pray I never forget the things He has done in my life and I practice the ACTSS format as much as I am able. I try to give God the glory, accolades by telling Him how awesome He is. Next I learn to confess I truly believe that confession is good for the soul. The more I admit that I am sinning in a certain area I see God guiding me out of that sin and into a wholeness I never believed possible. Next I am thankful. Being thankful each day and throughout the day shows me my life is not as awful I have thought it was. Lately I marvel at the simple things I take for granted like a warm home to live in, food for the table and clothes for each season. These simple daily routines bring me close to God, not the fancy house, material things but realizing I have a home,with a bed to sleep in, food to eat as I need to eat and clothes for my body. Remembering all the times God has been by my side astounds me and keeps me walking in faith. I pray that I never ever disrespect God again. As I proofread this to my husband He gave me another passage which makes sense to me. In Hebrews 11:6 I find that God wants us to know that He is. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 8, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I loved working with the teens for 15 years. At the end of those years I knew it was getting time for me to stop due exhaustion, I no longer could do what I once did. Next I found myself entrenched in remarried ministry helping other remarried couples to navigate the ups and downs of combining lives and traditions etc. I loved this too. My first ministry in remarrieds was helping to put on workshops that spoke about the things couples had to deal with such as a united front. Later I found a ministry of helping to write a newsletter to the remarrieds. After a while I was barely involved in ministry as I became unable to function due to exhaustion, which I now know as Chronic Fatigue. When we moved to Virginia I hoped to recover and begin to find my work within the church again. I did a small period where I helped fold bulletins and straighten the pews but I was not able to deal with this ministry. I have struggled a lot trying to find where my energy would allow me to minister to others. In this journey I have started to see that as an older woman it is time for me to pull back to allow for another generation to do much of the work I once did. If we want our next generation to be involved then we need to allow them to step up to the plate. Our church is handling this fairly well. We have a multiple generation that is involved in the church life which is exciting to me. I have found that God has had new things for me to work with, not the work inside of the church building but out of my home where I can work with my energy level. For me writing has been a dream most of my life and the internet allows me this opportunity. Junior and I also have found a few people in the community that we have reached out to as well. With us being retired and home a lot we are able to see a need that is not as visible to those who are working and raising children. I am amazed at the amount of ministry there is outside of the church proper. I am thankful to be of use to God even in my declining abilities. That has been hard to deal for me the thought that my older years will mean I was not of value to God. God has shown me this is not true and I am amazed at all the things God has given me to do. He also has encouraged me to learn new/old things like baking bread and sewing. I have a desire to do things how I have always done them which many older people do. Because God had us move from one state to another, to see my health fail deeply and to come back to a certain level and then to learn to deal with a broken body in new ways I am not doing many things the same old way because my new life in Virginia and disabilities have made that impossible. God loves us and wants us to be useful our entire life. I know that I will always be able to pray for others when nothing works. God is awesome. May God bless you and make her face shine on you. Love Janet

October 8, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I just wandered out the front door to take Daisy out to the yard. The porch is closed in, we now have a gate to keep most of the dogs on the porch and they have the backyard to roam. I soon realized that my days of wandering onto the porch without the walker are about over. I felt myself start to fall backwards. Junior had gone to the Chiropractor so I was home alone, it is chilly in the mornings and colder still with my nightgown on and I realized I could have truly fallen and been out there for a long time. I am getting very tired walking around the house without the walker these days so I need to use it. I wobbled more when we visited Debbie and Boogie the other day too. I tell myself this will go away and I know it won't next I tell myself that by not using the walker when Vanderbilt Hospital calls to do diagnostic testing in order to find out what is wrong with me I will be able to display my gait issues better. The fact is I need to use the walker and I am avoiding it. I have not been using the recumbent bike lately and I wonder if I began using it if I would be able to walk better. We have run a lot the past 2 weeks again and I am tired so for now I have put it off, I have things I want to catch up on as well. Facing this latest decline is not as fearful as the one I went through last year, I do find I am deluding myself in thinking it will be a little longer before I truly will decline. With this I am fighting to stay on top of my allergies and asthma. I am hoping to make a year and longer with no bronchitis. I am going on 11 months right now and the ragweed season is playing havoc with my goal. The joys of deciding which chronic problem to work on. I want to get on line and seek some sort of comfort from one of the groups I am involved with and I am not because I do not know where I belong. First I was told I have Chiari Malformation and I joined a group. The more I read, interacted the more I saw that my symptoms were not what most of the other people deal with. I have some of the problems the straining headaches for instance but I do not have the pressure in my head headaches that most of the others deal with. Next I was told I have ataxia and I relate to many of these symptoms too but not all and then I hear that this is not my problem. The one diagnosis I relate to the most is Myasthenis Gravis but I have been told that I do not have this disorder either. The good thing with all the groups is I have learned a few things to help me be proactive. Then there is that too, I choose to be in a wheelchair when I am out because I tire so easily walking and because I also have osteoprosis which means my bones are brittle and can break easily. I was talking to a woman recently who has hip problems and once more I heard how she is able to keep up with groups she is involved in and gets around even though she too tires out. People want to know if I can walk and then when I tell them I do walk at home I get either looks or comments. It is like they believe I am being a little too dramatic. I am starting to understand some of the comments from the groups about "it is my journey and don't judge me" attitudes. My doctor is real happy with my decisions so I am attempting to not to take to heart what others think. Add to this I often ask God if I am on track with how I am handling my situation. Junior was very supportive of my need for a wheelchair when I am out. At the end of the day I am the one with the struggle and with God's guidance I am attempting to live as fully as I am able and that is all I can do. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 6, 2016

Greetings My Friend, It seems my lesson the last little while has been to stick it out. I have a tendency to give up if I can not figure it out on the 1st try. My old sewing machine died and I bought a new one from one of the home shopping networks internet. I saw that the price was a bit above the price of the one I had, it was the brand I had which I found to be easy to work with so I bought it. It came and I discovered I had bought a computerized sewing machine. Being older in years the thought of trying to figure out more computer related issues bothered me. I began by pulling up a Youtube video learning how to thread the machine and fill the bobbin. I thought I understood but it did not seem right. I worked on several "unpaper towels" I had been making and finished that project wondering why I had to thread the needle each time I cut the thread. After that I decided to make some aprons so before starting this project I pulled up another video, this one having more information about my machine. I saw that I was threading the machine wrong and I learned what the computer buttons were for. I went to town working on my apron but something was still not right. I finished the apron and quit. I made myself look at the video again and I saw where I was going wrong, after a rest period I attempted once more to thread the needle and this time I had it. Yea me. I made another apron and for both aprons I did my own binding for the ties. One binding was not great but I did it and I am ready to make some aprons. I am using aprons a whole lot these days, they are useful for wiping my hands quickly instead of on my clothes or looking for a towel. I used the method for one apron that I had used making my "unpaper towels" and I loved it, the next apron I cut a pillowcase in half and sewed the binding/tie to that and I am pleased with this one too. Lastly I want to take a kitchen towel sew a binding/tie to that one and from these I will see which ones I like the best and go with that style. Giving up has been a lifetime trait for me and God has been teaching me that giving up is not an option. I realized that my not giving up on the machine was something God had been teaching me for a long time. God has also been teaching me that sometimes it is best to walk away from things. I am a loyal person so walking away from relationships no matter how unhappy I am has not been something I did. One day God had me do one of the many reviews of the past. In my review I saw that sometimes you do yourself more harm by staying than by walking away. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and if only 1 of you is interested in the relationship it is best to let it go. I balked as I often do and God said "just do it." I did and now looking at the present I am at peace. I do not have the conversations in my head trying to "say the right thing". I do not have to listen to angry outbursts that stab me in the heart and I am not blowing up myself. When I look back on God's lessons I see that what I am learning in one area of my life frequently falls into other areas of my life. There is a time to keep pushing until you resolve the problem and there is a time to let go and move on. God is teaching me to know when to do each situation. I am grateful I kept walking away from my sewing machine only to return until I finally got it. I am grateful understanding that sometimes it is best to let go and let God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet.

October 4, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I am a believer in the whole Bible as God's Word and I do not believe that because Jesus came the NT is the only part of the Bible to live by. I have learned so many lessons from the OT, I also see that Jesus and the NT writers each quote from the OT which says to me that God wants us to learn from the entire Bible. Many people believe that the God of the OT was a God of wrath which does not make sense to me. He to me showed His mercy to a stiff necked people time after time before punishing them. He warned them what He was about to do and taught them to turn and repent. When they would not, He disciplined them in His righteous anger. A few times the people repented and God took away His wrath but soon afterward the people turned from Him once again. In Ezekiel this morning I saw God's loving ways. "Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel everyone according to his ways, declares the Lord God. I learn from this passage that God judges each of us according to the way we listen to Him. I read further "For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God;so turn and live." Our Father does not enjoy watching us destroy ourselves, it grieves Him. He tells them to turn away from their sinful ways, He would rather they live. God is compassionate and I feel it in this passage. He also will not tolerate the ugliness of sin either. He can't and won't. I love the analogy of the potter forming the clay. If the potter does not like the way the clay turns out, he will destroy it and begin again until it shaped just the way he wants it. So God does with us. In order to enter into God's presence we must truly believe Jesus is His Son, died for our sins and rose again. If we do the Holy Spirit dwells with us, leading us into righteous living. We can not just believe Jesus is Lord, we have to believe and then begin the work of being changed from what we are at the moment of asking Jesus into our hearts. Another passage in the NT teaches us that we are a new creation in Christ, which means we can not believe and then go on with the way we always have before. God understands that it will take the rest of our lives and is patient with us if we are working with the Holy Spirit. Learning to listen is a challenge but the more we are hearing His direction in our lives we see that we are changing. It is amazing to turn and look back from time to time to see where you once were to where you are at the moment. Even more amazing is realizing that from this moment to years into the future you will change even more so. Our walk of faith is not a stagnant walk, it is a changing walk, a daily walk. I find that I need to commit daily to walk with God just as I commit daily to Junior in our marriage. Junior and I have been married 18 years now and in the same way I see my faith has grown so has my marriage grown. The first years were learning each other, our sensitive areas and respecting those. We have worked hard and are a team. I also know if we do not continue working on our marriage we will loose the closeness so it is in our relationship with Jesus. We must commit each day to stay in relationship. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 1, 2016

Greetings My Friend, Part of the problem with PTSD is my mind tends to want to rehash hurts and logically I know it will not get me anywhere but the thoughts come, even on medication. I found myself rehashing an argument and through the years with regard to my thought life I have learned to ask God to take the thought away and He always does. This morning an old thought was trying to worm its way into my mind and I did the usual asking God to take the thought away. Sometimes the thought will try to peek its way back in which is what happened today and it came to me that part of the rehashing is a need to be comforted. I usually don't take time to feel the moment I want the thought to leave me alone but this morning I found myself focusing on God and how awesome He is. As I thought about God's creation, His power and the power of love I found myself settling down and I had a feeling of being hugged. Recently I have found that part of my struggle has been the sense of not being heard, I want recognition and a sense of "You endured so much". Usually I get "you need to quit thinking on this" or "it wasn't so bad". It is hard to make myself not think on these things and it takes every ounce of energy to quit when the thoughts come. With medication I have come a long way and right now I am dealing with some fall out of the abuse. I do not argue with my abuser much anymore but I argue with my child because I do not know the "because" but I do. We get along for a minute and then he is upset again and these bouts of anger hurt almost as much as the abuse. When God comforted me though I had what I was searching for an acceptance that my pain was real and that was okay. I am now moving through this last intrusion of pain into my thoughts easier. For a while people liked to point out that I contributed to the problem and that is right I did. I also struggle with this too. God has reminded me that I could not get better until I learned how to not enter into the situation and I find comfort in that. I have left that type of lifestyle overall. In my marriage to Junior we have never been physically aggressive with each other or used cruel words with each other. I have come a long way from the dysfunctional women I once was. God has taught me to talk to Him when I am stress, when I am not in stress and He has taught me to praise Him, confess, to be thankful thinking on all that I do have and in that I have grown so much. Today I learned to be comforted by God. That has been a deep need in me for the longest time. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I learned this lesson decades ago when I was struggling with the abuse I suffered from my Dad. One counselor told me it was not that bad and I felt emptier still. I went to another counselor who listened and accepted my pain. I soon started forgiving my Dad because I was heard and acknowledged. Once I was made to feel that my pain was real I began the work of forgiving. I need to do this work with the others that were in the line of fire with me. Part of the problem is we often want to blame each other and that does not help the situation. Junior and I both suffer from PTSD, his is from Viet Nam and mine is abuse. I have learned that the pain does not truly ever leave, we learn how to manage it. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet