October 1, 2016

Greetings My Friend, Part of the problem with PTSD is my mind tends to want to rehash hurts and logically I know it will not get me anywhere but the thoughts come, even on medication. I found myself rehashing an argument and through the years with regard to my thought life I have learned to ask God to take the thought away and He always does. This morning an old thought was trying to worm its way into my mind and I did the usual asking God to take the thought away. Sometimes the thought will try to peek its way back in which is what happened today and it came to me that part of the rehashing is a need to be comforted. I usually don't take time to feel the moment I want the thought to leave me alone but this morning I found myself focusing on God and how awesome He is. As I thought about God's creation, His power and the power of love I found myself settling down and I had a feeling of being hugged. Recently I have found that part of my struggle has been the sense of not being heard, I want recognition and a sense of "You endured so much". Usually I get "you need to quit thinking on this" or "it wasn't so bad". It is hard to make myself not think on these things and it takes every ounce of energy to quit when the thoughts come. With medication I have come a long way and right now I am dealing with some fall out of the abuse. I do not argue with my abuser much anymore but I argue with my child because I do not know the "because" but I do. We get along for a minute and then he is upset again and these bouts of anger hurt almost as much as the abuse. When God comforted me though I had what I was searching for an acceptance that my pain was real and that was okay. I am now moving through this last intrusion of pain into my thoughts easier. For a while people liked to point out that I contributed to the problem and that is right I did. I also struggle with this too. God has reminded me that I could not get better until I learned how to not enter into the situation and I find comfort in that. I have left that type of lifestyle overall. In my marriage to Junior we have never been physically aggressive with each other or used cruel words with each other. I have come a long way from the dysfunctional women I once was. God has taught me to talk to Him when I am stress, when I am not in stress and He has taught me to praise Him, confess, to be thankful thinking on all that I do have and in that I have grown so much. Today I learned to be comforted by God. That has been a deep need in me for the longest time. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I learned this lesson decades ago when I was struggling with the abuse I suffered from my Dad. One counselor told me it was not that bad and I felt emptier still. I went to another counselor who listened and accepted my pain. I soon started forgiving my Dad because I was heard and acknowledged. Once I was made to feel that my pain was real I began the work of forgiving. I need to do this work with the others that were in the line of fire with me. Part of the problem is we often want to blame each other and that does not help the situation. Junior and I both suffer from PTSD, his is from Viet Nam and mine is abuse. I have learned that the pain does not truly ever leave, we learn how to manage it. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet