April 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, We are home from our trip to SC and a visit with our friends we love dearly. They are both having health struggles and it hurts to see them struggle so our goal was to come be beside them for a short period of time and then get back to our home. I pray we brought them a measure of comfort. Due to their health struggles they nap most afternoons so Junior and I took off exploring while they slept. We mostly went shopping for various things we needed. It was fun and gave us a diversion for a couple of hours then in the evening we watched TV and frankly it was sweet. I met E as a newly single again woman. We both met the men in our lives at about the same time and we enjoy the friendship a great deal. We were thrilled that the men enjoyed each other. The men tend to work on projects and us girls often will go out shopping….when they feel good that is. As we get older the running around and sight-seeing is not the excitement it used to be. I cherish being close and our talks. We share our struggles and our joys. Their little dog Bella is so friendly and we love on her as well. E and I walk around with Bella each day and I love that. Their house is comfortable. They have made it all their own and have done a marvelous job. Their house feels like home to me when we visit although our styles are both a world apart. She still manages to make it comfortable. I love to feel comfortable when I am in a home and their house does that for me. It has that deep south warm weather climate feel to it. We live more north in the south and our look has taken on a different style. I tend to like old furniture and enjoy that “back in time” feeling. The “back in time feeling” seems to bring out the days where life was not as complicated as they are now feel so I prefer to step back in time. I also realize that life was not easy as well but for some reason that “back in time” feeling brings peace to me. My dream is that people that come into our home have that “put up your feet and sit a spell” feeling. They can let go of the days worries for a bit before reentering into the day to day grind. I have done this for most of my adult life and I still like that feel. My children have said that is the feeling they get when they come into my home. I have also heard from friends they tend to feel that way. Junior and I have blended our styles as well and again people tend to feel comfortable when they enter our house. Junior is a “messy” compared to me although not dirty. He keeps the floors cleaned, the dishes up etc. He does like a pile or two as well. It is the pile or two that I don’t care for but I have learned to accept it and live with it. I did not do this on my own. It has been a lot of talking to God to not change Junior but asking that God teach me to accept Junior’s ways. Junior has also respected my need to not have major piles everywhere. When a pile gets to be a bit much I put it in Junior’s office chair and he puts it away, no complaints. We have truly learned to meld our styles and find that comfortable medium. Junior is so creative and I marvel at his talent. He has renovated this house for the most part and with each finished project I marvel. He tends to see my needs as well, I am short and I can’t reach real high so he makes things for my height. I appreciate that. He has moved the bathroom mirror down so I can see into it. At one point all I could see was my nose. I have commented a time or three that the yard clutter was getting under my skin so he has suspended renovating and has started cleaning up the yard and porches. Again I appreciate that he gets my struggle and does not crictize me for my struggle. We both try to meet each other in the middle and frankly I find that awesome. As my health has declined I find I can’t keep a spotless house anymore. Junior is not upset with me because I can’t do what I once did. I find that my standards have relaxed and frankly our standards are now more compatible with the other one. I like blending the two of our “likes”. Neither one of us is uncomfortable in our home nor frankly that feels awesome. We have truly learned to accept each other and have melded our style into a style that works for both of us. Junior allows me my needs and I have learned to allow Junior his needs and when we do this we both are comfortable. Housework is also a team effort. As my abilities tend to decline Junior comes along side of me and helps me keep things in order. As I come back I begin to take over jobs I once did where I can and I am thankful that Junior has considered my need. He is such a good man. He studies me and gives me what he is able to give me. I study Junior and try to give him what he needs. Junior needs to be alone throughout the day. He does not want to be at my side constantly. Frankly I like a bit of time to do my thing as well. We have found those moments to go off on our own and we share time together as well. We often share what we’ve done on our own time and enjoy the accomplishments we each have made. Once a week we try to go out on a date…..to the show, to a museum or such. I enjoy dressing up for my guy. He is sweet because he will clean up for me as well. Every few months we take off for a trip or a long day trip. I love that too. I love the quiet time in the car, the chats we get into and to me I feel we are drawing closer to each other. I love it. I am even comfortable if no chatter is forthcoming. I have learned to sit in the quiet and enjoy it. What are you doing to make your marriage work? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I’m almost into retirement 5 years now and I am finally feeling settled and enjoying this new phase in my life. It has taken me a while to get here but now that it is here I am where I need to be. That feels wonderful. Routines continue to take shape in my life and since I am a person who operates better in routines I am once more feeling whole and alive. I have a fascination with organizing things. I love to organize and to read how to organize. It is something that excites me. Junior is an unorganized type of person in my thinking. He gets work done so he is not totally unorganized. He goes about it differently than I do and then I am confused how to fit in with him. Our home is never total chaos. It has stuff laying around that I’d rather not but it is generally clean. Junior doesn’t make a total hoarder. He will move stacks of stuff so he can mop the floor and then move it all back. He did that in his home before I came along. Junior takes a shower regularly and I’m grateful for that. These days when a stack gets under my skin I have a tendency to pile it in his office chair and the next time I go there the things are put away not stacked back where they were. Even in our companionable marriage we do find areas that don’t align up the same. I am more inclined to find a home for everything and then put the stuff in their place. Junior tends to let things pile up before attacking the pile. We seem to get to a point and it does not go beyond that point. For that I am very grateful. Hoarding runs throughout my family line. I have been one of the people who would go get them in order only to have them back to hoarding in short order. I am paranoid about piles. I am not excessively clean by no means but I am neat and I do like order. Part of my neatness is my ADHD ways I’m sure. For me to function I need order. I need to have routines. That is how I operate. When life is in dis-order I tend to fall apart. I tend to get confused and I have a hard time working my way back to order. The minute things are out of order I tend to start trying to make order. Mom was a hoarder. When I divorced I cleaned out her house. It was good therapy for me really. Each night I would be cleaning and hauling things and I’d go to bed tired and life began to take shape as a single woman. After the house was all cleaned up I’d find Mom with her newspaper around her and a book or two and she’d shuffle them around her. She needed stuff around her to feel safe. I was surprised at this behavior when she was in the hospital one time, her shuffling paper and stuff around. Then when she came home I also saw her shuffling her paper and stuff around her. She needed the dis-order in order to function. It did not have to be a total shambles but she needed some dis-order in her life. Junior is like that somewhat as well. He likes stuff around him. Right now he has a tool bench he made outside our door and under the porch. I can’t see the top of the table and I often see Junior move several things in order to cut a piece of wood. For some reason he needs the dis-order in order to create. Our home is turning out so nicely. I admire Junior’s creative ways with what he has done. He amazes me to no end but the dis-order drives me nuts. As the house becomes more finished as far as the renovating goes I find myself once more making order within our home. I could easily get mad at Junior but I tend to take my struggle to prayer instead. I usually tell God that I need help accepting my husband and his strange to me ways. The more I pray the more God opens my heart to Junior. I think from time to time God will also work on Junior’s heart and he will make order out of a pile of disorder on his own. I find I don’t get mad, yell or fuss at the messes within our home. I clean what I can and I live with what I can’t figure out how to clean. I let go of the need to be angry. That is really refreshing. I don’t do it on my own, God has given me the peace I need to deal with my husbands to me strange ways. I mostly am so grateful for Junior’s love. He is tender. He is thoughtful and in all of that I don’t want to be with anyone but Junior. We make a good team. That feels wonderful. We both have our strange to each other parts but somehow with God at the center of our lives we are able to blend our differences and be good friends. I love that. God teaches me to accept Junior’s ways. Junior accepts my strange to him ways and frankly our lives are sweet. We enjoy each other. I like that a lot! Sometimes Junior is more blunt than I’d like him to be. For the most part people take Junior’s bluntness fairly well. I’ve learned that this is Junior and I can’t change him so I can get upset or accept this quirk in his nature. Again I see his tenderness to me. I see a man who loves God deeply and tries to be the man God wants him to be. I couldn’t ask for more. I also see that most people seem to get Junior. Here in Virginia the people truly seem to get Junior. They often seem to see his blunt ways but they also seem to see that precious heart of his. These days I don’t seem to have a need to “explain” Junior. People out here understand the man he is. That feels real nice. Do you accept your mate the way they are or are you trying to change them? May God bless you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am having one of those mornings. We are trying to get ready to leave for a trip and nothing is going according to plan. I could not get to sleep last night till real late, I woke up after a few hours of sleep so I thought I would get up and start the day to begin reading my Bible and fall asleep again. Yesterday we went to the Chiropractor which is a 3 hour journey. We got home then I took the car to town 20 minutes from our house bought a few items for the trip came home ate lunch and I found I could not move if I wanted to. So I sat. My packing is mostly done and I will finish that soon. Junior is up and around he has mopped the kitchen floor, washed dishes and frankly he is a bit cranky this morning. I don’t know what I did to upset him, but I do know I am under his skin already by being my usual self. He barked back at me when I asked a question. I silently slunk off, sat down at my computer while I ate breakfast and then a blog thought happened….so I share my day. Junior did not get his afternoon nap yesterday. He slept through the night a whole 8 hours but I guess he is still tired. With his back and PTSD he sleeps strange to me anyway. He has nightmares and has gotten in the habit of waking up after 6 hours. This way he won’t have as many nightmares. It has been his habit for decades now. He gets up, reads his Bible, does a few back exercises and then he generally will go back to sleep for a couple of hours. It works. He still needs an afternoon nap for his back. The back pain wears him out so the nap. I keep trying to find my medicine for my acid reflux disease and I can’t find the next bottle. I thought I had called it in last week to find I did not. I had got another prescription instead….so I call it in. By the time we leave we should be able to swing by and get it before leaving for our trip. This trip is getting off to a late start. When I got home I was wasted for the rest of the day from the trip to town and the Chiropractor I found I couldn’t move if I had wanted to. I received a phone call and it took all my energy to go outside to tell Junior. I hate having this struggle but I can get upset or accept it. I choose to accept it at this stage of the game. Junior is going about his work in a very quiet way. He is doing what he does like mop the floor, wash the dishes etc. I am waking up and after I finish this I will finish getting myself ready. We will get in the car and we will leave. I know that we will be friends in short order. I may need to be quiet for a bit longer but in short order we will be friends. I love that about him. He has a lot of pain and won’t tell me. He doesn’t want to bother me with the fact his back is hurting because it hurts all the time. Through the years I figure it out when he is hurting more than usual. It is when he is short with me for no reason that I can figure out. I love Junior to pieces so I will be quiet and wait this out. When we were at the Chiropractor yesterday Junior did his usual fall asleep routine as soon as he sat down in the waiting room. I took a picture of him with his hat down over his eyes. When we got into the room I showed him and he chuckled at my antic. To me he is precious when he sleeps, that is part of my guy and sometimes I think he is so cute I find myself snapping a picture of him. We will giggle about this a time or two today. I marvel at Junior’s cuteness. To me he is the most handsome guy in the world. I remember when we were driving back from getting married looking at him and thinking that he wasn’t the most handsome man. I remember thinking though that I loved his gentle but strong ways. I remember I liked his humor and frankly looks weren’t in the equation. The longer we are married I marvel at how handsome he has become to me. I marvel at how compatiable we are. I love this man’s very boring lifestyle beyond words. I love that we don’t fight about everything. We do get on each other’s nerves from time to time. I like that when we do I know that in short order we will be friends again. That is a huge comfort. For me in my life a fight was always loud and more often than not fists went flying. Everything was drama. I grew up this way, lived this way and it was all I knew. At some point though I grew tired of this type of lifestyle and I went into counseling to learn how to not resort to the drama all the time. It took me a long time but I began to walk away from that craziness. I was divorced, met Junior and frankly I love our life. Junior is the first tender touch I have ever known prior to him. He is the first person who said lets work out our differences instead of resorting to lots and lots of anger. It took me a while but I began to not say mean things when he upset me. We both promised to not use sarcastic humor on the other one. We don’t drink, he is an alcoholic so drinking is not an option. We don’t smoke. We don’t party. We hang out and live quietly. I love it. God has taught me to Agape love – seek another’s highest good. I attempt this type of love on Junior each day. The more I seek his highest good the more I find I don’t need to be the center of attention. I find my love, my patience growing and it is wonderful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you. Love Janet I

April 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, My hope is Jesus. This hope sustains me and gives my life definition and a purpose these days. I continue to hurt and grieve but in all of that I have hope. One of the thoughts I continue to ponder is after we die. I hate thinking that there is nothing. We rot and return to the earth and nothing. In Jesus I find I have hope even in death. I like the thought of living in eternity. I think about the word eternity and find myself trying to wrap my brain around that thought. Eternity is forever and ever. In heaven we will not have pain or sorrow. I can’t imagine life without the ups and downs. I long for it but I can’t begin to imagine it. I then ponder what we will do in heaven. In my younger years I thought we would sit around on a cloud and play harps. As I get older I tend to see Jesus after the resurrection interacting with the disciples. He had a body, he cooked food, he walked through doors and he taught his disciples. Then I see Him ascending into heaven, floating upward until He is lost in the clouds or such. As I continue to look at this I then begin to believe we will have a body and we will have work to do. I also have a hard time wrapping my brain around the thought that Jesus is alive in heaven with his earthly body. I believe all this but I find it hard to realize that Jesus is in heaven in a body like we have. Most days I find I have hope when I bring these thoughts to the forefront of my brain. I am willing to live this life on a day to day basis with all of its ups and downs. When I want to give up I find that deep love of God to keep on keeping on. I have had my God hugs. I marvel at the people in my life these days. I believe that God has put precious people in my path for me to love, to be loved by and to live alongside of. That alone feeling of yesteryear is fairly much gone these days. When I start mourning lost relationships God reminds me often of the people that still want me and in all that I find hope. Part of my thoughts tend to be the amazement I feel with my marriage, this new house and our new state. I must say that I can’t go a day without pondering how nice life is these days. As I ponder our home in Redford I once more realize that it was a good home at one time in my life and now I am so in love with this new home. I can’t imagine living anywhere else now. This is new to me since I had a tendency to begin dreaming about the next house within a couple of years into the current new house I was living in. I now would like to stay here till the end. I miss being near family and then I don’t mind. I love the country setting we are in. I love the animals that have become part of our family. I love my walks, our drives and just looking out a window into the woods nearby. When I keep immersing myself in these thoughts and scenes I find peace taking a hold of me on a consistent basis. It feels nice. I continue to fall in love with Junior. He is the right man for me and I am the right woman for him and in all that it feels wonderful. We live in contentment and we rarely will fight. If we do have hard words it generally is when his back is hurting him big time and I have learned to pull away for a period of time and we will be friends in short order. My years of writing Junior a note and not mentioning his faults but telling him I love him have trained me to see his good qualities. I also think asking God to open my eyes and heart to him has helped me to not over focus on his irritating qualities and frankly I rarely see them these days. The hardest thing for me to overcome is to me his lack of organization. I think that has been a lot of the depression I’ve struggled with these past few years. I keep taking this to God and God keeps showing me how to let him be him and well I learn to be patient and accept that Junior operates to a different drum beat. When I can keep my thoughts to myself I find my man is content, continues to renovate and make me a pretty home. Again after my accident last year I have truly learned that Junior loves me deep inside of himself. I’ve known on one level that he loved me dearly but I guess I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting till the day my cuteness wore off and I was not going to be wanted only to find that Junior meant it when he asked me to make a lifetime commitment to him. In that type of love I find myself growing even more comfortable. I know I am not going to get dumped because I am no longer cute or fun. He likes all of me. Junior understands my strong points accepts my weak areas and helps me to be the woman God is creating me to be. I learn Junior’s strong points, his weak areas and God continues to point me to be what Junior truly needs, not what I make up in my mind to be for Junior. In all that we continue to grow and enjoy each other. Our love continues to grow deeper and richer. Are you praying for your marriage? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I have moved my entry way recliner to a new corner and I am enjoying it here even more than the last corner. I sit and ponder my work routines and how to manage them. I had a set back after returning from Michigan the last time and it is taking me time to get where I want to be. I am also staying up late into the night. B and J tend to be night owls when they stay here. B has breathing problems so long periods of sleep are not possible for her. I am learning to use my night time hours to get things done. I’m not all the way there yet but it is getting comfortable for me to start doing something when I am awake. For a long time I thought I needed to stay quiet so I could get to sleep. Not so. I also was not sure about making noise while Junior slept. He has not worried about making household noises while I slept and my concern was off the mark. For the past few weeks I’ve been doing the morning quiet routine of FBing, read the Bible, journaling, writing if I had something to write and praying. This takes me a few hours to get through and to be honest I’ve enjoyed the quiet time. I’m not on FB all day anymore. I mainly check in first thing when I get up and maybe once more throughout the day. It was a friend when I needed one but life is now getting full and my in and out of FB all day every day is not needed. By late afternoon I am turning the TV on and watching programs. After the news is over and before my night programs come on I do a few things to maintain the house. It works real nice. Junior has noticed my being busy more and commented that I am not sitting as much as I was. It makes my day feel fuller. So if I add a couple of things to the night time hours that would help. I definitely cannot move like I did at one time in my life. I wear out rather easily these days so dividing my housework time up appeals to me. Gone are the days where I could tackle a project and work like crazy for a few hours at a time. I flat out can’t anymore. My head wants to go out and volunteer and do more. I love doing and being around other people. My once a week volunteer job is about all I can handle and lately I’ve even slept through that time frame. I then start feeling like I am not doing enough for the Lord. It bothers me. I have to remind myself that good works don’t get me into heaven. It is my deep walk with God. God may have me being still for a reason and if that is the case I need to accept it. I want to give back to God because I am so grateful for the life I now have. As I sit I pray, read the Bible (on line) do my Sunday school lesson, read my lesson for my women’s Bible study and even attend a monthly missions meeting. I try to focus my entire day around living a life for God whether it is in caring for Junior or volunteering. This past week a friend’s mother died. She is in Michigan and we could not make it out to be with her. I have called her a time or two as she has run like crazy getting the arrangements and called people. We will be out there in another month or so and we will stay with them. It occurs to me that generally there is a lot of comfort at the time of the death but it is several months later when the reality of them being gone begins to truly sink in. That may be the time I show up and can comfort her. I can remember her mother with her since we grew up together. About this time I again learn that we serve God in many ways. Prayer time is serving God. Learning who God is by reading my Bible also helps. Being involved in Sunday school and helping with the bulletins once a week is a way to serve God as well. Then of course the time I spend with my husband being his friend, keeping house and the like is a way to serve God. I always want service to God to be something special like a mission trip or such. Those are good ways to serve God but also making a phone call to a friend in need is a way to serve God as well. I believe that a lot of our service to God is in the quietness of life. That is the lesson I am learning. I don’t have to say God’s name in every sentence or be gone once a week or more. Those are just some ways we can serve God. He does not want me to be a show off as well. It has to be my heart. That heart lesson is hard to grasp at times. Today I was talking to B my mentor. She can put into word pictures some of the deepest thoughts for me to grasp. She has taught me why I don’t need to tell everyone everything that crosses my path and I am on a journey to not bring the deepest parts of me to everyone. Even my weekly phone calls to B is in service to God. With her I am learning more and growing more. As I wanted to become a writer a friend came alongside of me. She met with me for once a week or so for a year or more. I then practiced writing things at home. About the time I retired I came up with the idea for this blog. ( I believe God placed it on my heart). So it took me a few years of quietness before I was able to go out and do. I have written a book and hope to write another one again. For now though I write the blog in the hopes of sharing that faith journey is not always something everyone can see. It is the thoughts I have about others, it is keeping my mind clear of sexual junk and the like. It is treating Junior with respect. A faith journey covers all of our lives so we can be in constant work for God by learning to not tell every detail in life or being gone several days a week. Yup I like that. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, If someone would have told me that I’d turn into a night owl I would have laughed. I have always loved going to bed early and being up early. It is what I have done for most of my life. Even as a young party person I often found myself falling asleep before midnight. I am a person who likes living life during the daytime hours. This afternoon I got up at 2:00. I woke up at 8:00 and ate breakfast. I went back to bed and got up at 2:30. I do seem to need to eat at my regular times and I wake up only to go back to bed to finish my night’s sleep out. I even woke up with a headache this afternoon because it was time to eat lunch again. I have found that if I keep to a routine time in eating I don’t get the headaches like I did at one point. The bad thing is I need to quit drinking caffeine by about 1:30 in the afternoon if I want to get to sleep at a decent hour. I don’t know what I was thinking for New Year’s Eve this year. I drank a chocolate chip frappinico late in the day. I told myself it was New Year’s Eve and why not. Well with that drank I was up till 4ish. I knew better but my taste buds won that battle and I paid the price. I have the same struggle with eating too many carbs late in the day. It affects me much the same way caffeine does. The sugar keeps me going far longer than I’d like to be going. I have learned to get up and do my routines no matter what time I get up and that helps me not get upset constantly. I do my routine of looking on FB then reading my Bible passages on my e-mail taking the computer over to the comfy chair to journal and finally I pray. After that if there is running around that needs to be done we do that or I begin watching my programs until the news is over and nothing is on till my evening programs begin. At that point I am doing some sort of housework routine. My husband wouldn’t mind if I got back to making dinner again. I hope to start that routine soon again. I am so excited that Junior is working on the kitchen more and more. With that done we’d have a house pretty much in shape and done. That will be awesome. There is still a master bedroom he wants to make for us and that dream is awesome to me. I’ve never had a master bedroom with all the bells and whistles so it appeals to me a ton. I love the thought that the last big area after the master bedroom would be our porch area. With the new one it will be off of our master bedroom. I can see us having a coffee pot near the porch and maybe a small fridge so we can eat breakfast out on the porch. It is separate from the other porches and the furry children won’t be able to get on it as easily as they do the other porches and frankly I like that a lot as well. I think the constant clutter of finds they bring to the porch won’t be out there and then I won’t have to deal with each child wanting me to pet on them. I love those kids a ton but sometimes I’d like to not deal with them as I sit outside. I can see me and my laptop hanging out on the porch. I can see me writing more and yup it is a dream I am having often. That is what I’ve loved about this house. I begin dreaming of what I can do with each project and I get excited. I begin to dream how I will use that space and find myself so happy. I also see that in not too long of a time now that we will live in this house and I see it being a rather pleasant place to live. It will have all the dreams I’ve ever dreamt about in a home and that is exciting to me. Homes will always need some sort of work done and I think there will be enough to keep Junior busy for many years. I like that he will get into gardening again. I’d like to help with that but allergies seem to keep me from being out in the garden. I can sit and enjoy Junior’s handiwork though. I love that we have dreams even at this age. These dreams are what fuel us and give us a reason to keep going and frankly they feel real nice. I have hope these days. If you would have asked me years ago I would have told you I had hope. I think I really had wishing at that point. These days my real hope is Jesus. I find that Jesus accepts me the way I am and then God begins to change me and I enjoy the changing part of me. I am not alone and that always feels safe and wonderful. I have felt alone for a good portion of my life and now I have that feeling I am never alone and I love it. My husband truly loves me. That is hard for me to grasp. I thought he thought I was cute and he’d tire of me and I’d be on my own and that is the feeling I felt for years. As I went through the accident of falling and passing out I learned deeply that Junior loves me enough to stay no matter how difficult I can be at times. I try hard not to be difficult but frankly sometimes I am. I feel safe these days because I truly know that we will stay together no matter what. I also am a loved wife and that feels nice. It is not about my looks and he thinks I am beautiful with or without make up on. I rarely put make up on these days and Junior is still looking at me like I am beautiful. I have allergies and make up is hard to wear anymore. My husband has my heart. Now I know that I know that I have his heart. Yup life is sweet these days. May God bless you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 15, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Tax day is today. Twenty one years ago today Dad died. I can’t believe he has been gone that long…..strange. I miss him and yet I don’t. I love him and frankly I am indifferent as well. It is strange. I am more like my Dad than my Mom but…..Dad was hard on us. Dad was a kid raising his kids. He left home at age 14 and never returned home again. In many ways Dad was a kid as he raised us. I understand this at my age. As a child and young adult I did not. I did not like being pounded on and I hated it. It took me years to look beyond Dad’s ways to see the stuff he grew up with and then I’m amazed at how well he did. Add polio to the mix and yet again I am amazed. Dad survived polio when the Doctor’s thought he would not. Dad taught himself to walk again without aids. The Doctor’s also told him he would never walk again. That in itself is amazing. I remember Dad’s gait often. He used his back muscles to walk. He looked like a drunk really but it was the way he could walk and he did. In many ways I feel the same way about Mom. Mom often ignored things so she did not have to deal with them. She let a neighbor take us in the car and expose himself to us and put us back in the car after we told her he was doing that. Mom often read a book instead of dealing with Dad dragging us around the house beating on us. Mom didn’t know what to do so she pretended she didn’t see things. It was how Mom coped I get that now. In general though my parents amaze me, Dad had polio. His parents walked out on us. Mom and Dad got back to MI after he was well enough to travel. Grandma C took care of us giving us a home, some meager income and food. Grandma’s work in a hospital cafeteria often sent home food so our family could eat. If it wasn’t for them, we would have ate many less meals. We could not get aid because we did not live in the state long enough. So we struggled. One day the minister that married my parents heard we were back and he came by. He gave us food, clothes, a back brace for Dad and later on helped Mom get a house loan when women did not get those loans. That church was our life line for years and as we got on our feet our goal was to give back. I did that as an adult as well. I brought my children up in that church. I did not how to enter into a personal relationship. For some reason I never got the message. After my divorce I did learn how to relate to God on a more personal note. I am still walking with God in that way. I would have ended up in a Looney bin without my personal walk with God. I was able to meet and marry Junior who is so good for me. I asked God to help me to choose my next mate and He did. As I look back at my parents’ lives I again am amazed. I guess Mom went to church as a girl. Grandma insisted she go but would not go with her. When she met Dad she said it was a must. Dad agreed and went as well. I believe in my heart that on some level my parents walked with the Lord even though they did many things wrong. That sustains me. At church everyone was in awe of what my parents endured. They acted like my parents were awesome people and did not see the abuse. I struggled with that. Later on after my divorce I began attending another church and I learned how to walk in close relationship with Jesus my Savior. I love it to this day. I asked God to let me marry again and this time I wanted my husband to take his faith seriously. Junior does. Rough men are what I know and Junior in his own way is rough. Junior is the first man that has also shown me how tender they can be. It is a marvel to me. My first inkling that not all men were cruel just to be cruel was my son. He could be tender but he also could be rough. The first thing I felt after my divorce was for my children. At that point I realized how awful our home life was for them. I cried and cried. Then my minister at the time told me that I could not do a “re-do” so I needed to get myself functional and that my children would follow. That has been my goal and frankly there are days I wonder if they will overcome the abuse. My son and his wife are good friends. They are very active raising their children. They do things I had wanted to do but did not know how. My grandchildren are into travel league sports. I barely could convince their Father to help me get them to their events. My heart tells me that he has in some ways moved passed the dysfunction of his growing up years. In many ways I moved passed the dysfunction of my growing up years and even further I see now that Dad moved passed his dysfunction. It has taken a good three generations but abuse does not appear to be part of the family line any longer. To me each generation had to learn lessons and then the next was able to move passed that. I am not sure what type of environment Grandpa lived in. I know very little about him. I know a bit more about Grandma and my heart often goes out to her even though I did not know her. She was the youngest of 11 children. Her Dad died leaving Mom with no money or income. Mom then started renting out bedrooms to support her. Grandma took up valuable real-estate. So she was often shipped off to one of her siblings’ homes. Grandpa came along when she was 14 and he married her. To her he was her ticket out the door into her own life. I relate to that feeling often because I married my first husband for about the same reason. He was my ticked out of the craziness of home. Some days I am so sad that my children and I don’t relate better than we do. That said…..I am so happy that there is not any abuse from what I can tell. I live with the effects of dysfunction. If it has left the family line….I am ok with it. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Should I or shouldn’t I? That is what I am pondering. I am writing a blog 2 days a week and slowly as life settles I sense that writing 3 days a week would be nice. Writing a book isn’t there as of yet….but the blog sounds good to me. I get my writing need met and I have something to work at besides housework. It appeals to me. I am once more exercising. I go in and out of that. I don’t want to walk in the cold and possible ice outside. We have the ellipse and I have another machine that I lost the instructions on how to use it. I will see if I can get more instructions. This getting older thing can be annoying at times. My brain does not function in an organized manner like it once did. I lose track of my appointments, I forget things and the like. It is irritating. I have tried the talking to myself routine to get back in shape and nope it does not work either. I’ve decided that I’m older and this is what I deal with. It is what it is. I am on day number 3 of not leaving the house. It feels real good at this point. I stay in my pj’s until I have a reason to get dressed and be out in public. At one point I did not handle not getting dressed daily well but these days I am good with pajama days. It works. I love it when Junior is at his computer playing solitaire and I am at mine doing my routine programs. Sometimes we chat and sometimes we don’t. I see him and find comfort as well. It is what we do. I love it. Gone for me are days of constant arguing and bickering. I love that as well. I love our boring life. As we near summer I am excited that finally we may start getting the porches and yard more in shape. I don’t know how to keep all the clutter the dogs find to chew on up though. I will learn I am sure. The new porch is made which means I can sit outside with no furry friends and even open the door and let the cats out there with me. We will see. I love looking out at the woods on our property. I love the openness of our property. I continue to find a peace to country living. It amazes me that this city girl has turned country. I don’t need to be involved in a bunch of volunteer projects. I don’t have the energy and being home is a comfort to me these days. Our drives continue to astound me. The mountains year round are beautiful. I have not liked winter time for most of my life. I have hated the dying off of the leaves and the bare branches for most of my life. Out here in the country though I find a beauty in the bare woods during the winter and I don’t mind winter like I used to. The temps out here are bearable as well. I can deal with an average winter temp in the 40’s. It can get cold like in MI but it doesn’t stay as long and it doesn’t get that cold as often. I am good with that. The summers aren’t generally real hot. For some reason I don’t handle either extreme in weather so well. I’ve had frostbite and heat exhaustion and frankly both extremes tend to be rough on me anymore. Once more I marvel that God brought us to this area. Junior and I are at opposite ends with our weather preferences. I prefer it to be warmer than cold anything. He is the opposite. Here in VA we have found a place that seems to speak to us both. It continues to amaze me that God led us to the right place. This past winter I found myself not as down as I usually get in the winter. As fall came part of me knew that it would be ok. What a comfort! We are on a small country lane and my walks continue to astound me. The dogs tagging along on my walks continue to make me smile. The ellipse inside helps me to walk when the weather is bad out helps me as well. I even like that we tend to lump our various errands to one day during the week and we both generally go. It is a chance to shop and then on the weekends we often will go to a movie. I love it. The days of constant drama are gone from my life and now I live day to day boring and to be honest I love it. At times I believe God has allowed my body to slow down so that I would write. God wants me to write that is what I sense and so I write my blog maybe a book again. Time will tell. Growing up in the 60’s all my friends were Christian. We talked about our faith and it was natural. I can see though that a faith walk with the Lord is leaving our country. That is why I write my blog. For a long time I believed if you said the sinners prayer that life right away began to be easier and sweeter. Being on a faith journey does not mean that life becomes an instant cake walk. At times it is even harder. For me I don’t feel alone anymore. Knowing God is always near brings me comfort and trusting in God brings about some amazing moments. We moved to VA. We felt led to move. Some believe we made that up but I believe God directed us to move. Since arriving in VA we have been content beyond belief. We love our home, our life out here. The slower pace helps me as well. I don’t have all the distractions of doing that I had in city living. My body won’t do what it once did and so learning to slow down out here works wonders for me. I am not distracted and trying to do all that is available in the city living. Yup I am still happy living here in the country. God knew what we needed and pointed us to the place we needed to be. How amazing is that! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you Love Janet

April 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior and J have insulated the front porch that Junior enclosed when we moved in so we could store stuff till we found a home and then decided to make it part of inside. Part of it will be our master bedroom down the road with a bathroom and the other part will open up our TV room more so. We will then also have a view to the road at the front of our house. Right now all we see is the side of the driveway where we come in and a neighbor’s house a ¼ of a mile away. I like the idea of seeing more of what is going on outside. As Junior has had J here the last week they have finished working on the new porch area and the insulation for the enclosed porch and even hung some sheet rock in the dining room. Two years into this process I still wish Junior would work on one room at a time, finish it and move on. To my amazement all of a sudden a room will be done and I will love it. I have learned to accept this quirk in his nature. I don’t like it but I accept it. My dream at present is maybe I’ll become a cook again like I have been in the past. Hard to say if that is true or not but it is my dream. I bought the bread maker last fall at a resale store but have yet made the bread. I still think it may happen. My marriage prayer continues and frankly I think the more I desire a good marriage and pray for one God has given me the desire of my heart. Throughout the moving and renovating process I have kept a steady prayer life for our marriage. We continue to seem to draw closer and closer. I love it. I have found that Junior’s quirky ways at one time in my life would have annoyed me to no end. I more than likely would have found myself telling my mate off and being angry. Not these days. I believe my patience is nothing to do with me but more with God’s direction in my life. When I compliment Junior and see his face light up I find I am grateful for keeping my mouth shut. As he finishes things and I totally adore his work he seems to light up. It is worth learning how to keep my thoughts to myself. I have sat more these past few years than I have ever sat in my life. Part of me thinks God has allowed my body to slow down and sit for a couple of reasons. One is I am in Bible study more, prayer more and the other is I accept Junior’s to me strange way of working with grace. These days I don’t have to be gone all the time. Part of my running throughout my life has been I’ve been ADHD and the other part is I found if I was not at home all the time then I would not enter into another fight. These days I have learned to stay home days on end, not even getting dressed and to tell you the truth I love it. When we were first married we took country dancing classes, took a computer class and we were involved with our church and we both loved the running. As we have gotten older and retired we find we don’t need to run anymore. We aren’t even traveling like we did the first few years we were married. We are content with each other’s company and frankly that feels nice. I spend time writing and Junior spends time working on our home. I hope when the major renovating is done he will build himself a workshop in one of the sheds to do his crafts in. I can envision him going outside for several hours a day to work. I can even see me calling him in for lunch. I love the idea that we work and come together throughout the day and then in the evening we watch TV, go to a movie or whatever. We both worked for the first years of our marriage and the work now is different but we are working. It feels good. When Junior brings in the mail and goes through it, he often will do it in the chair next to me in the TV area. We have a discussion about whatever and I find I enjoy this time greatly. His being busy means I can do things I like without being concerned about his needs. I can also share in what I have done when we are together. One of my favorite lines is “Come here and see” when Junior wants me to check out his progress. Due to Junior’s back being so bad I also know he will come take a nap in the afternoon. Again I have quiet time to do my thing. I am sure I will again do cross stitch, make dishcloths and bake. I do like baking sweet breads and the like. I also find so far anyway going to the church on Fridays to be a lot of fun. I am with other women. The same for my monthly Bible study. I go have women time and enjoy it a whole bunch. As I re-read the above paragraphs I again realize I am finally into retirement routines. The first several years were hard but now there is a rhythm to life and it feels real nice. I want to work at a job and find that this old body aint what it used to be. I find I am no longer upset about it but have learned how to cope with the body I now have and frankly I still feel life is full and rewarding. Even my sleep has settled down into a routine. I wanted to be up about 7 or so. Nope because I can’t get to sleep most nights till midnight I’m up later and I’m even accepting that. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 9, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Junior and J have insulated the front porch that Junior enclosed when we moved in so we could store stuff till we found a home and then decided to make it part of inside. Part of it will be our master bedroom down the road with a bathroom and the other part will open up our TV room more so. We will then also have a view to the road at the front of our house. Right now all we see is the side of the driveway where we come in and a neighbor’s house a ¼ of a mile away. I like the idea of seeing more of what is going on outside. As Junior has had J here the last week they have finished working on the new porch area and the insulation for the enclosed porch and even hung some sheet rock in the dining room. Two years into this process I still wish Junior would work on one room at a time, finish it and move on. To my amazement all of a sudden a room will be done and I will love it. I have learned to accept this quirk in his nature. I don’t like it but I accept it. My dream at present is maybe I’ll become a cook again like I have been in the past. Hard to say if that is true or not but it is my dream. I bought the bread maker last fall at a resale store but have yet made the bread. I still think it may happen. My marriage prayer continues and frankly I think the more I desire a good marriage and pray for one God has given me the desire of my heart. Throughout the moving and renovating process I have kept a steady prayer life for our marriage. We continue to seem to draw closer and closer. I love it. I have found that Junior’s quirky ways at one time in my life would have annoyed me to no end. I more than likely would have found myself telling my mate off and being angry. Not these days. I believe my patience is nothing to do with me but more with God’s direction in my life. When I compliment Junior and see his face light up I find I am grateful for keeping my mouth shut. As he finishes things and I totally adore his work he seems to light up. It is worth learning how to keep my thoughts to myself. I have sat more these past few years than I have ever sat in my life. Part of me thinks God has allowed my body to slow down and sit for a couple of reasons. One is I am in Bible study more, prayer more and the other is I accept Junior’s to me strange way of working with grace. These days I don’t have to be gone all the time. Part of my running throughout my life has been I’ve been ADHD and the other part is I found if I was not at home all the time then I would not enter into another fight. These days I have learned to stay home days on end, not even getting dressed and to tell you the truth I love it. When we were first married we took country dancing classes, took a computer class and we were involved with our church and we both loved the running. As we have gotten older and retired we find we don’t need to run anymore. We aren’t even traveling like we did the first few years we were married. We are content with each other’s company and frankly that feels nice. I spend time writing and Junior spends time working on our home. I hope when the major renovating is done he will build himself a workshop in one of the sheds to do his crafts in. I can envision him going outside for several hours a day to work. I can even see me calling him in for lunch. I love the idea that we work and come together throughout the day and then in the evening we watch TV, go to a movie or whatever. We both worked for the first years of our marriage and the work now is different but we are working. It feels good. When Junior brings in the mail and goes through it, he often will do it in the chair next to me in the TV area. We have a discussion about whatever and I find I enjoy this time greatly. His being busy means I can do things I like without being concerned about his needs. I can also share in what I have done when we are together. One of my favorite lines is “Come here and see” when Junior wants me to check out his progress. Due to Junior’s back being so bad I also know he will come take a nap in the afternoon. Again I have quiet time to do my thing. I am sure I will again do cross stitch, make dishcloths and bake. I do like baking sweet breads and the like. I also find so far anyway going to the church on Fridays to be a lot of fun. I am with other women. The same for my monthly Bible study. I go have women time and enjoy it a whole bunch. As I re-read the above paragraphs I again realize I am finally into retirement routines. The first several years were hard but now there is a rhythm to life and it feels real nice. I want to work at a job and find that this old body aint what it used to be. I find I am no longer upset about it but have learned how to cope with the body I now have and frankly I still feel life is full and rewarding. Even my sleep has settled down into a routine. I wanted to be up about 7 or so. Nope because I can’t get to sleep most nights till midnight I’m up later and I’m even accepting that. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 6, 2023 Greetings My Friend, I hate when those nights crop up. The nights where I wake up from a sound sleep and I am arguing. Last night the argument was about Junior. The other talker was reminding me of Junior’s past. In Junior’s previous life he was a real not nice guy. He had little concern for another human life and he did to the people as he chose. The talker also reminded me of times where Junior was in another room and we had a young person over and I was in bed and I kept being asked what was taking him so long. Fear tries to grip me real hard. Through the years when this argument starts I remind the talker that God told me to marry Junior and God would not give me someone I could not deal with. I say it a few times and then I pray quickly “Lord I need some help please” At that point I begin to see all of Junior’s tender moments with me and his gentle way and soon that argument inside my head is focused on Junior and his sweetness to me. Some nights I wake up arguing with my ex. I hate those nights as well. I wake up and he is doing something mean to me again or he is laughing because I am hurt and he thinks the whole thing is funny. Again I ask God to take these thoughts away from me. God does and soon I am back to sleeping. I remember me waking up on the ground last year. I kept passing out, standing up only to fall because I passed out again. I was heading toward a cliff with a river beneath it. For me I don’t remember any of it other than waking up lying on the ground. For Junior and my friend they saw me stand up only to fall again and begin rolling down the hill headed toward the cliff. When I opened my eyes I saw Junior. Some part of me knows he had his brave face on for my sake. He had his in control voice going. I had no idea of what I had been through because I had passed out. What Junior and my friend saw was frightening at best. Then there was the time I said I’ve had enough stomach distress take me to the hospital. I had been struggling for a few months and finally I could take it no longer. I needed my appendix taken out. There was Junior at my side. He held my hand and talked real brave for my sake. My stories of how Junior has held me, supported me go on and on. He was there as I woke up with nightmares. He was there when life hurt. He was there when life was fun. Junior keeps telling me I am important to him. He is the first person I felt safe and close with. When I wake up with a nightmare like the one I was having I am puzzled. I take the situation to God as soon as I am able to. God starts showing me picture after picture in my mind’s eye of all the times Junior was at my side loving me so tenderly. God reminds me of my prayer I prayed as I went to marry Junior. We only knew each other a few months. We connected right away and our relationship grew fast. I was happy but not so sure so I asked God if I should go and marry Junior. God relaxed my whole being and I felt God say “go”. I went and have not looked back. I am content with this man even though he has his flaws. I have my flaws and frankly our flaws seem to work well together. I wake up and hear Junior working. I do my day and he does his day and we connect throughout the day and frankly I love the feeling. We can spend a whole day running in the car and frankly I even love those moments. We have gone on many trips and he is fun. He wants to do what I want to do and we never fight about what to do. We can sit and do nothing and I find Junior a comfort. We can do things and I find Junior a comfort. So why does this voice in my head try to derail my joy? Through the years I have learned when fear has tried to grip me and hold me hostage I have learned to begin talking to God right away. I am always amazed when I ask God to help me through the struggle that in short order I am moving out of my fear. God is amazing to me each time. I love that God takes away my fear and soon I am moving through the day with peace in my heart. I have heard from people that I am carrying too much fear in my life today. I need to let it go since the things I feared happened 16 years ago. I want to tell them it is none of their business and I will take as long as I need to get away from the fear. Why this person feels a need to give me a time frame in order to be over my struggles boggles my mind. Frankly it is none of their business. God has helped me to see I am not helpless. God has put me with a tender and caring man whom I adore. I have never felt safer in my life than I do with Junior. Is Junior perfect? No he is not. Still I find his flaws doable. We seem to connect and enjoy each other and frankly I find myself loving him beyond words. I believe that God brought us together and God is the best match maker. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, It is the week after Easter so the question I have is “Have you thought of a journey with the Lord?” I don’t think I can state often enough the importance of a faith journey in the Lord. It is a decision that can affect you for eternity. To me eternity is hard to wrap my brain around. I have lived 59 years and that seems forever and ever. Eternity is longer yet. I like that when we die we go onto something else. It sustains me. Even living this life for eternity and the lessons we need to live forever and ever sustain me. The teacher who taught over the radio that we are living in redemptive time helps me to keep on keeping on. I find life very sobering when I realize we can choose our eternity. We can accept Jesus and the cross or reject it. God gives us the choice. Accepting Jesus means a life of “No more pain, sorrow or tears.” That thought sustains me often. Sometimes this life’s trails can overwhelm me big time. I find myself wanting to give up and go sit in a corner and suck my thumb till the end comes. As I read the Bible and learn that hell won’t be a fun place to live I find myself trying to tell the good news of Jesus’ life and the cross. I don’t want my worst enemy to endure that. I really don’t which always surprises me. I have been treated badly by some people. I don’t care if I ever see them again but I don’t want them to live in hell and I want to offer them the hope I have. I believe that the Bible is the truth the real truth and in it I find God and His love for me , for His creation that fell from grace. When I was in the midst of abuse I always felt that if “He” needed to hit me then I should “turn the other cheek.” As I have left abuse behind me I realize that Jesus did not let others abuse him for the fun of it. Jesus often told them what he thought in a very straight forward manner. Jesus did endure the pain of the cross for us. He did it so we would have a way into heaven and an eternity with God. Once I have given my heart to God then God begins to do a work in me. I love that as well. I am not the Janet of 30 years ago. I am not the Janet that allowed Him to punch me in the face, the stinging words and the like. I will tell people the truth and I try hard to not knock people over with the harsh facts just to blow them away. I learned “truth in love.” That is my goal these days to always tell the truth in love. It does not mean beat someone up for the sake of being mean and telling the truth. I like living “truth in love.” The more I learn truth in love then I don’t find myself getting back just to get back at someone. I don’t say mean things in truth to watch another feel pain. I don’t like to do that. I do love people enough to tell the truth in a gentle manner though. Junior can be blunt about truth. He isn’t doing it to be mean. He is trying to be honest even if the answer hurts from time to time. For me I like to be tender all the time so I tend to watch how I say things the best I can. I try to say the hard truth with as much compassion as I can. Junior has lived a rough life with a very rough crowd and sometimes the only way they can “hear” what you are saying is by speaking the way they talk. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. I am not a rough person by nature and I cherish a gentle approach. It is who I am. I marvel at my relationship with God. God had me figured out long before I had me figured out. If people get tough with me I usually will get an attitude and not listen. It is the way I am made. God has known this about me from the beginning. I find it amazing. I have grown in God’s tender love of me. He knows I will quit listening when I am strong armed. I have learned more in the hugs than I ever learned in the beatings. It is how I am. Junior knows this as well about me. If he wants me to get something done then he will speak to me gently and ask for it. I will come through more often this way than if he berates me. When I retired and my health kept going south for a while I found myself sleeping and sitting a whole lot. I have realized that I am not being lazy for the sake of being lazy. Junior kept telling me I was lazy. As we see my health issues continue to come under control we see me moving about more and doing more. I truly do what I can when I can and then there are days I do nothing more than sit. Headaches, digestive struggles and even my tendency to fall at the drop of a hat have plagued me these past few years. So I have learned to do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t. I marvel that God knows each of us so personally that He knows when to be tough and when to be gentle. It amazes me. I have grown so much with God’s tender hand on me. I let go of strongholds and move on with God’s tender hand on me. I reach out to others with the love I’ve been given so I may not be the one to speak to a rough character but I am the comfort a person may need for their struggle. I helped M a long time ago. She reached out when she was getting beat up and we went to Celebrate Recovery and she was able to leave her abuser behind. We have a tender heart because we know the sting of abuse and we hold each other up often. She is a sister in many ways to me. She understands when I have a fearful moment and she can generally talk me back to the present when I need help. I want to ask “Have you given God your heart yet? Is it time?” May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

April 2013 Greetings My Friend, Starting this month I’m going to start writing 3 days a week. This fills my day like a part time job and I enjoy sharing my faith journey. As a child growing up in the 60’s people went to church more than the kids of today do. We all talked about our faith alongside of our other conversations. As I look back my kids’ generation did not do this and many did not even attend church and now my grandchildren know even less. As a young person I believed in God but never got the connection of how to have a personal walk with the Lord. After my divorce I began walking with God in earnest and I often feel God’s presence when life is hurting. I go to God as much as I am able to take my life to God and I continue to find answers and a direction for my life. It feels good frankly. I also don’t feel so alone in this big scary world anymore and that is awesome. My goal in writing is to write about the “every day” walk with God. Some days I do real good and some days I don’t. I continue to feel God’s love even when I am not taking my life to God and that feels wonderful. I no longer feel alone in this big crazy world. I have contentment now that I never knew and at this point I want to learn how to give my all to God. I asked God in a prayer after my divorce for Him to allow me to marry again only this time I wanted my husband to take his faith seriously. Junior takes his faith very seriously and it is awesome. He also helps me in my faith journey and I appreciate that so much. Sunday mornings find us getting up and getting ready for church. There is no discussion, no fight we both want to go to church. It is refreshing to me. Lately I find myself up late at night and sleeping during the day more so if I miss morning church we will go to evening church together. When I am up we do both. When I am not then I go to evening church. When I read the Bible I often will come to a passage and I struggle to understand it. Junior helps me sort through the passage and I appreciate that a bunch. By reading my Bible daily I find that I am learning who God is and what God likes and I find myself continuing to grow in my faith. I love it. It is part of my day along with praying. In fact these days I pray as I go to sleep and when I wake up and then I go to prayer in my comfy chair when I get up in the morning. Our church also has a Bible study guide we do in class so I read that during the week alongside of a study for a women’s group. I tend to need to read a few different types of things and this works for me well. For a while I was also listening during the week to some of the radio preachers. I’d like to get back into that habit. I found that listening to another preacher often opened up more of the Bible to me so I enjoy hearing my own Minister preach alongside of additional teaching. It works for me. I find that the more I immerse myself in the Word, the more contentment I have and that I begin to know what pleases God so I change my life to align with God’s ways. For the first time in my life I like me in my own skin. God loves me just the way I am and then He changes me and it feels wonderful. Sometimes the growing in faith is difficult but to be honest I’d rather be on a faith journey than feel the lonely feelings of yesteryear I knew so well. Lots of people have rejected me, told me I was worth nothing and now I feel I am precious to God and life is worth living. I find myself forgiving easier and yes sometimes I have to talk to God a bunch to be able to forgive. God always helps me forgive and for that I am grateful. There are a couple people that I feel indifferent to but I don’t hate them. That feels wonderful. I continue to ask God to open my heart to these people that I struggle with. I have learned to not forgive is disastrous to my emotional well-being. These days I ask God to guide me as I learn to forgive others. I want to cry “but they….” And God always says that I need to forgive them anyway. When I am able to let go of a hurt….I find peace. I am finding forgiveness is about learning to let go even if you were wronged. I generally try to remember the verse that says “Revenge is mine sayeth the Lord.” When I can give God the struggle I find freedom reigning inside of my being and again it feels wonderful. The more I read the Bible the more I learn how God has made us and that living the way we were made is really a soothing balm to my soul. I am also able to admit my sins to God these days. In the past I was upset bringing my sins to God. I felt I might get beat up for admitting my faults. That has not been the case. When I can give God my sin I soon find myself walking away from that sin and more peace reigning within me. I also learn that I will fall down and when I do God is waiting for me to admit my wrong and love me even more so. Have you read the Bible? Are you on a faith journey? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet