November 28 2015

November 28 2015 Greetings My Friend Today I am soaking up the love of our fur children. I lay back in the recliner with 3 dogs on my lap and our newest addition Mary a kitten on the top of the chair. Lately I lay back and close my eyes and begin thanking God. Sometimes in the thanking I drift off to sleep. I find myself marveling at each animal’s warmth, their bodies touching mine and feeling them breathe in and out. I crave their touch and find comfort as they respond to my petting. A long ago memory slowly works it’s way to the front of my thoughts. I loved being a mother and I loved how a toddler would find their way to my lap. I remember holding them and feeling them squirm, reach and give me a hug. Sometimes we held this position for a while like when they were sick or scared. Next I recall the squirming to get down. I was not ready for them to wander off yet but it did not matter because they squirmed until I released them from my lap. All of sudden they were bigger than me and lap sitting was just a memory. When I divorced I got Alex my cat and as he got older he often found his way to my lap. Those old memories usually accompanied our lap being filled with love moments. Next Blanko came to live with us our white cat and Junior and I often lamented that we could not go do what we wanted to because a fur child was snuggled in sleeping on our lap. In all of this I see the need to be touched and to touch. Junior and I find joy when we pull up in the driveway and our fur children greet us with such excitement. They are glad to see us and want to be loved on. As they try to follow us in the house these days I tend to put the walking stick between us. Their jumping on me throws me off balance rather easily so I have to push them away until I can sit down. With winter’s coldness our fur children want to be close more often. I tease that they are trying to soak up what heat I have. Alex was real cuddly when the weather was cold and when spring came he was aloof. Those last months before he died though he kept searching me out. I held him and felt the pangs of loss knowing his days were coming to an end. We had shared 20 years of life. His passing was very difficult for me to handle. This may be why we have added to our fur family recently, I am trying to bring Alex home again to me. Mary our newest addition a kitten and Blu our pit bull puppy are filling the “baby” need. They still nap a lot and seek to be close as they sleep. Now that Blu has been with us for a few weeks she is getting secure and growing more curious so our snuggle times are getting less frequent. These kids know that we need these snuggle moments so different ones approach me throughout the day. Daisy and Val watch out for me the most. Daisy stays near me and each time she hears a noise she barks to warn me. Val will follow me around the yard making sure I am okay. All this attention is what motivates me. I want to be there for them much like they are “there” for me. Junior and I have divided up the caring routines much like parents do for their children. I am the nurturer and Junior is the provider and disciplinarian. We love our little family. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 26 2015

November 26 2015 Greetings My Friend Each day I have more energy, I am shaking a lot less and my balance is increasing again. Then today I wake up tired, I nap a few times and getting myself moving is a major chore. I have been active again but today getting out of my chair is hard to do. I understand the Chronic Fatigue part of my disability on a deeper level today. I want to enter into my routine of cleaning, cooking and writing but my body acts as if I ran a marathon yesterday. I did my usual routines, nothing out of the ordinary but today I feel so beat up. I have struggled slightly with asthma this past week. It is seasonal allergies and for the most part I have been able to keep from developing bronchitis. I am using my inhaler and essential oils as I feel the congestion creep in. These measures so far are working because today the congestion has not crept in on me. I am the eternal optimist. The minute I have a few days in a row of some sort of energy, feeling good I think that things are going to turn around and I will be the active woman I have always been. About the time I start feeling like the “old” me I get a reality check like fatigue so draining that I think I am drowning in tiredness. Some days I even think that I will stay at my new normal without these days of draining fatigue and then this fatigue plagues me. I nap, wake up look at the internet, drink my coffee and soon I am napping again. Through the years I am learning to sit when I can’t and move when I can. I have quit looking at the clock and berating myself. When I feel even the smallest amount of energy I start slowly doing the routines I have set up. I may do one or two things today and as I can I add to the routine. This summer’s heat took me to a new level of being drained. As the heat and humidity went away I was still tired. I was out of breath still and fatigue became a daily reality. I was sleeping all night and taking a 2hr nap in the afternoon most days. Even brushing my teeth was hard, I needed to sit just to brush my teeth. I kept doing what I had learned to do, work, sit and work again but still my energy was not coming back. After a month or so of this it came to me that I was entering into a new stage in my disability so I went to the doctor. I was displaying potential heart problems so my doctor sent me to the hospital. After a work up of tests my heart is healthy. At my next visit the doctor put me on a new medication. This medication has settled many of my symptoms and I am almost back to my old new normal. I can once more stand to brush my teeth and my activity level has increased again. I tell myself that this fatigue should not have happened. Next I realize that this fatigue has been with me for many years now. I can not work through it as I once did and I need to accept that fatigue is here to stay. I don’t beat myself up and I talk myself into starting from the start again. Work when I can and sit when I can’t. I know that soon I will be functioning again. This latest round of struggles has taught me to check in with the doctor quicker instead of attempting to keep pushing myself. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 24 2015

November 24 2015 Greetings My Friend “But if you would tell us or show us…” I hear this refrain often as I read the Bible. I think this refrain in my day to day life too. I want to know that I know that I am giving my whole heart to God and I am following His directions for my life. I think I know but….. My journey of faith often is filled with questions and the answers are hard to discern. There are times I hear God say “just do it.” Do what? The Bible teaches me the ACTSS format all over the place but …..where are the exact words “Just do it?” The Psalms have lots of praises in them. They praise God after He has done a miracle and saved His people. When God took the Hebrews out of Egypt He put plagues on the Egyptians, 10 in all I think. He would turn the river blood red, sent gnats and other signs. The people repented, then decided that was not for real. God took the Hebrews through the Red Sea on dry ground and then swallowed up the Egyptians in the river. The next crisis came along and the people did not believe. God would rescue them only for them to forget again. My own spiritual journey has been filled with these kinds of moments. I believe, things go easy for a while and then the next problem arises and I have forgotten how God saved me before. The more I read my Bible I learn to “remember” all the times God has saved me in the past. The Psalms teach this too. God doesn’t want me to remember how bad I hurt but how I was saved. Proverbs teach me too. I learn to give, to be faithful first to God and then to my spouse. I see where I am rewarded when I live life as I am directed. I have peace in my heart. I learn to confess too. God is always saying throughout the Bible to “repent.” My parents taught me to say “I am sorry” when I was mean or stole something. With them I said it to get them to be quiet and leave me alone. I am not sure I repented because I felt bad for what I did. I admit I did the same thing with God. One day I saw how my act of rebellion truly hurt someone. I felt so bad and I wanted to not do it again. As I learned to truly see what my actions were doing I learned that I hurt God deeply when I rebelled doing that. When I asked God to forgive me after that I meant it and God started to show me how to not do it again. Oh….God did not want to beat me up because I was bad, He wanted me to understand and to live the way He created me/us. As I started to change my desires to align with God’s ways God kept teaching me new things. The Bible had Psalms, and stories where people thanked God for His provision. At first my thinking was “God already knows this so why do I need to tell Him?” One day it occurred to me it was not that God did not know but it was for my good. I learned in this marriage the more I focus on Junior’s good qualities I did not see his flaws or stay focused on them. God taught me to be thankful and the more I was thankful the more I saw all that I truly have. Service and supplication were my next lessons. I used to attempt to do everything I could think of to serve God. The more my health declined the more I found doing all kinds of activity wears me out more than anything. I started asking God where He wanted me to serve and I had a sense of satisfaction. God does not want me to wear myself out but to seek Him as to what He wants me to do. Along the way I learned to have a heart for people and I added them to my prayers. Today a friend lost her father and I ask God to bring His peace to the family. Another friend had his appendix taken out and I prayed for him. I have quit being absorbed solely about my life and its struggles and I learn to reach out for others. I learn to take the focus off me for awhile. In the the quiet I sometimes hear God teach me how to cope with my struggle. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 21 2015

November 21 2015 Greetings My Friend, It is cold outside and cooler in the house so I find reasons to sit a bit longer with my blanket wrapped around me and a cup of coffee close by. While sitting I find myself poking around at different thoughts and I begin chewing on Chiari Malformation and its progression in my life. When I first learned about this disorder I realized I have lived with Chiari’s effects for most of my life. If I had tried to get answers I would have been told the symptoms were in my head “figuratively.” Little did I know it was literally in my head. So goes life. I have never had great stamina but I worked with it. I had days where I was totally exhausted and slept all day. After a day of sleeping I usually could pull it together to begin my arduous schedule of being a wife, mother, student and hold down a full time job. Next I saw time where all of a sudden I tripped over air. I was agile but all of a sudden I tripped and sprained an ankle or such. I thought I was clumsy. I remember having a flash of a headache way back in elementary school. It could have been my Chiari, hard to say. After my accident of rolling down the hill and breaking a vertebrae an MRI detected this birth defect. It took me a year or more to begin to put together these symptoms. I joined an on line help site or two and slowly pieces of information began to gel as to what I have had dealt with for a lifetime. Many days I recall a period of time that my neck hurt so bad I had tears. Nothing helped it and either I grew used to it or it settled down. I had other symptoms like I could barely lift a pan of water and I felt like I would drop it because my wrist felt so weak. When I married Junior he introduced me to his Chiropractor who gave me a special pillow that supported my neck. I recall those severe neck moments happening less often. I hardly paid any attention to the times I needed to stop and sleep for a day or two. It was a part of my life and I figured most people had these moments. When I started to see that a lot of the things I was experiencing were also things other Chiari friends dealt with it began to make sense to me. My fatigue got so bad just before I retired that I could not do my daily walk. I spent time taking a nap instead just to get myself through the day. I started having a nasty flash headache and vomiting. Nausea and intestinal upsets were plaguing me. I could not sleep for more than an hour or two at a time and I had brain fog so bad I could not think my way out of a paper bag. One tiny step at a time I worked my way back to a semblance of energy. One day I discovered vitamin b 12 and from that point I increased my energy level. I was taking supplements, I started using a CPAP machine and one tiny step at a time I kept building up again. I felt that was the answer I had been searching for but I soon learned that chronic fatigue could come crashing back. I then learned my triggers and one day I realized that I may know some more energy but I was never going to be as energetic as I once was. I learned how to tame straining headaches like making sure I ate enough fiber or kept my allergies under control which meant the coughing did not set off a headache that made my brain feel like it is bouncing around in my skull. Time has taught me that many symptoms may come and go. I have also learned that some symptoms are never going to leave me completely. I know that chronic fatigue and balance issues are here to stay. I have had to use a walker and I have worked back to using a walking stick again but I also can’t balance with the stick like I did a few months ago. I can use the stick getting to the car or to a shopping cart and I can no longer go as far with just the stick. At present I am able to deal with barometric changes fairly well. There may be a day though that I will have awful headaches ( at the base of my skull). I may end up in a wheelchair down the road. Right now a medication is helping me control my shaking hands. In the meantime I pray that doctors will discover ways to treat Chiari but for now I tell my doctor and together we will do what we can. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 19 2015

November 19 2015 Greetings My Friend We have a house in Michigan that we are renting out due to the downturn in the housing market a few years ago and we owe more than it is worth. We have been blessed to have renters that make our house payment while we wait to come out even when we sell it. The first few times the renters left Junior and I headed up north to paint and clean up the house. It was a chance to check out the home and make repairs if they were needed. This year the trip seemed to be daunting so we asked our nephew if he would paint for us. Without hesitation he said he would and we are grateful. He sent pictures and then began the process of painting our house. This is the first time we have reached out and asked one of our children to help us out. We have been able to handle most of our struggles on our own. Junior and I are fairly much self sufficient. I have to admit that this gesture was refreshing for us. We don’t want to burden our children but sometimes an assist is nice. I long for them to move down to Virginia and have a sense of family to interact with. My niece lived with Junior and I for a year when her sister went through a divorce and could no longer keep her. For Junior and I it was like having a child of our own in a roundabout way. She was working her way through college and staying with us allowed her to continue with her education. This gesture has grown into a deep relationship on both of our parts. She will do whatever she and her husband can to help us out. Junior and I will do whatever we can to help her out if need be as well. We watch out for each other. Our own children are involved very little in our day to day lives. Divorce is like that sometimes. Through the years we have spent more holidays by ourselves than with our children. They tried, we tried but for some reason it did not work out for the most part. Our move to Virginia has meant that we spend holidays alone. None of our children have come to see us. I can feel lonely at times. We will go to the church potluck for Thanksgiving and to be honest this is a joy to share with our family of faith. Putting on a holiday meal is getting harder for me to do so Junior and I make a meal and enjoy the day alone. Sometimes we break out old movies and enjoy the afternoon in this way. We will giggle at the antics of our fur children and we are content. It took me several years to find this contentment. Today it is just another day. Junior and I have our holiday celebrations and it is okay. My lesson has been to learn to look to Jesus. I am grateful to have a good meal, a warm home. I focus on the gift Jesus has given each one of us if we accept Him as God’s Son. This reflective time is important to me today and that is where I find my greatest joy. In my old life it was just a day to gather with family and friends. Today I sense God’s love more so and in that I have great peace.. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 17 2015

November 17 2015 Greetings My Friend November is a month where we remember to be thankful. I strive to thank God daily for those things He has given me or done for me. I started this journey about 18 years ago when I divorced. Back then I read a book on being thankful and was challenged to write 5 things I was thankful for each day. It was hard when I began this journey. Newly divorced I felt like I was a victim, I was living with my mother since my job was downsizing and I was not sure how I would support myself if I were laid off. I began searching to get to 5 each day and there were days it was a huge struggle to find 2 much less 5. If I could not find something I would be thankful that all the drama of my married life was finally over with. I was not fully sure I was glad but it was something. Slowly though I started to see how much I truly had and my thankfulness moments was opening my eyes to all that I truly had. I had a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat. These still amaze me today the very basics of life I have. I started going to Single Point first with Divorce Recovery and then to Sunday services with other singles. I had a group of friends to share this scary journey with. Junior was there and our romance started quickly, much too quick but it kept getting stronger and stronger. We married 5 months after meeting and realizing that our odds of being divorced jumped measurably we decided to do what we could to strengthen it. On our honeymoon Junior insisted we pray together each day. I was not sure about this since I felt my prayers had to be flowery. Junior started off praying each day and I attempted to say something in prayer. Soon I was leaving the pretty prayers alone and slowly I started talking to God about my day, my fears and my desires. My counselor taught me the ACTSS prayer format and I took off using this as my guide. I found myself awake deep into the night or awake with Junior early so I prayed through this format daily mainly in one session. Today I pick up from where I left off and some days I just chat with God. Those longer sessions are fairly much gone but they opened the door to opening my entire heart to God. Junior taught me to pray for my ex and that was hard but day after day I lifted up his name only. Slowly I did not hate him anymore. Part of the prayer is giving thanks so I found myself pondering all that I had. After a while I realized even the smallest things I had were a gift from God. I could see maybe the nice house or the car but a toothbrush? The more I focused on being thankful for even the smallest things I understood the depth of things I was given. Today I continue the thanksgiving part of prayer but I find myself stopping throughout the day and thanking God for things. I suffer from Chiari Malformation and as I read the help sites I realize that so far I don’t deal with the pain many suffer with. I have some headaches that slow me down but not often. Today I realize I am thankful that my pain is minimal even as I see my balance issues increasing. I am learning to do old things in a new way and I am able to take care of most of my needs. I am thankful for this as well. I am sad that I have this struggle but then I find without it I would not have discovered my endurance. To be honest I would not endure as well as I do without taking my fears to God all the time. He hears me, comforts me and then sends me back into the day. Our God is awesome! May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 14 2015

November 14 2015 Greetings My Friend, I have been friends with Marilyn since were kids in Sunday School. Later after we were grown up we were youth advisors at the church we grew up in. We renewed our friendship and it grew even deeper. One day Marilyn was facing a divorce and our friendship grew deeper. A few years later she came beside me when I faced my divorce. Our friendship has withstood many of our life’s trials and has grown us closer. I bounce things off of Marilyn frequently. She is my sounding board and will be frank with me when I need total honesty the most. I am the same way with her too. I called her this morning just to chat and catch up with her. She loves to travel and does so frequently. I love hearing about her adventures. She has won a trip to Africa and I am so happy for her. Her son is doing well and her husband is her friend whom she enjoys traveling with. In the back and forth I mentioned I was trying to find a way to get out on my own. The walker I have is too bulky for me to get in and out of the car. Her Mom needed a walker for many years and she knew the solution to my struggle. She encouraged me to stay as independent as possible which is what I want also. Her solution was so simple, get a walker without a seat. They fold up more compact and are easier to get in and out of the car. They are inexpensive and I knew right away that was the answer that I have been seeking for some time now. I have seen these types of walkers at the thrift stores and Junior and I will be out looking for one in the next few days. I haven’t been to my favorite dollar store in some time. Many times I would go through the grocery store with Junior and pick up things I needed then scoot off to the dollar store. Lately I have not had the energy to do this. Today though I see that I can make a quick trip to town for a quick in and out to the dollar store. I can get out and about on my own and I feel so much freer. I am trying to convince myself that my shaky hands are getting better. In reality no they are not. Some days I don’t shake as much as other days. The more I tried to print in my journal the more I saw the shaking in the words I wrote. I think this is one of the hard parts of declining agility. I keep thinking that if I will myself enough I will not shake, I won’t feel so weak and so on. It is good that I keep pushing myself to stay as able as I can but I need to also give myself permission to accept the fact that I literally can’t do what I did as recent as a week ago. This balancing act is difficult. I don’t want to quit too soon but at some point I need to accept that I am moving into less agility. At present I believe I will attempt to have the back and forth of thoughts so that I don’t give up too soon. Now I need to accept the fact that things are changing and not allow myself to get so worked up also. I am finding that a consistent conversation with God and asking questions seems to point me in the right direction. A while back Debbie gave me the okay to use my walker. Her input helped me a ton. As I keep asking God I find that answers keep unfolding before me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 12 2015

November 12 2015 Greetings My Friend Serving others is a precious gift God has laid upon my heart. To be honest I have always wanted to please people thus I felt this was serving people. I continue to learn there is a huge difference in “seeking their best” and “seeking to please”. The more I study my Bible the clearer I understand the difference and I strive to seek another person’s highest good. I have a tendency to want to do all kinds of acts of kindness not to help others to achieve their fullest potential but to be liked. God keeps teaching me the difference between being a “yes” person and a person who is willing to do the uncomfortable for their best. I am also learning that I won’t be liked by everyone and that is okay too. Being loved by God is enough and the more I learn to walk in His ways the more content my life is. Most of the people in my life prior to giving my heart to Jesus taught me that I am worthless and not good for much of anything. So I kept trying to find the right formula to be accepted, looked up to and loved. God teaches me He loves me even when I don’t understand or I make a huge mistake. He will let me know that what I did is wrong but He also comforts me for a time before He sends me out into the world again. Some of the best conversations I have with God are ones where I keep questioning what I did wrong, how do I know etc. Piece by piece He gives me the information I need to proceed to the next step. As I attempt to do what I am being taught I find a sense of accomplishment. At that point I am learning to do God’s will not my will. I also see the different types of people and how to relate better to them. I had a friend who did not drive so I was taking her around town as she needed. I was taking her when I was exhausted beyond words. One day I found myself being discussed online and it was not nice. I realized at that point that she liked me as long as I could give her a ride. When I was not able to keep up with the rides then there was not much likeable about me. Another friend is a hoarder. I tell her often and I insist she does her part to keep our home in order when she stays overnight. She continues to visit me, calls me and we work through our differences. She often points out that she likes the up front way I talk to her. She has finally had to admit the fact she is a hoarder. She knows that I will be her friend regardless and in this she feels safe. She has made attempts at getting her life under control, she stops and Junior and I love her until her next burst of working on her problem. Junior has stopped by to help her and has now told her he can’t be there every week. If she gets the porch cleaned off or a room empty he will be back to help her get some repairs done. He has learned that if she is not working at cleaning up her mess she will not keep her home in order. It would be easy to go in and totally empty the house of all its piles of junk. We have also learned unless she invests her own energy into the process she will go back to her hoarding. I don’t know if she will overcome this disorder or not. I also know doing the work she needs to do won’t help her either. I must say that I find myself asking God often how to proceed with this friend. On my own I would have walked away a long time ago. Most people have but God shows me the longing heart in her as well so I keep trying until I am told to let it go. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 10 2015

November 10 215 Greetings My Friend As a young mother I learned about keeping a journal. I did it for an English class and I have journaled on and off ever since. My parents were always on me because I was a nail biter and I was still biting my nails when my youngest was born. I decided I needed to give up this habit and I set the goal in the pages of my journal. I had made a decision and then I wrote that decision down. I found it hard to ignore the habit because I had “spoken” through writing that it was time to quit. Through the years I have set other goals and journaled them. With each written and spoken goal setting I find myself living up to the goal setting. I often write the goal and then I find myself speaking the goal out loud to others. For some reason this works and I found a job after being out of work due to child rearing. I wrote, I spoke and one day I was applying for a job and soon I had a job. I worked through a lot of my forgiving on paper first. Writing out the hurt that was done to me soon led to speaking and then I was able to forgive. It was a long slow process but it was evolving. One of my first counselor’s told me that what was done to me was not all that bad. I felt angry and unheard. A few years later I repeated my hurt to a new counselor. This counselor did not dismiss my pain but acknowledged it. When I felt heard I started working at letting go of anger, hurt and fear. Journaling gave me the ear I needed to “hear” of my hurt and then it encouraged me to let it go. The process was long and hard but I was learning that my pain was real and I was able to let it go. Years later I found myself talking to God about my pain and much to my surprise He “heard” me. I felt hugged and slowly I felt God dusting off the hurt and giving me a pat of encouragement to enter the day. I still go through this process although I don’t always have a journal going. Facebook for me is a way to goal set. A lot of times I will write what I am having for lunch or dinner. As I keep putting it out there I see that I am making less and less processed food, I am eating more fruits and vegetables. One day I realize I haven’t wrote what I was eating in a long time. My niece and nephew showed me how to use “MyFitnessPal” and I now log in the food I eat each day, the amount of water I drink and how much time I walk or do housework. The consistent keeping track has helped me to lose about 20 pounds and I am keeping the weight off. I learned portion sizes as well. By logging my activity I saw my energy begin to return..I learned that in my older years exercise is not what it was in my younger years. I might have worked out for a half hour a day along with housework. Today doing housework I find takes me longer to do but at the end of the day I am moving about a lot more all day. I can’t get the house in order any more in a half an hour but I can work at it all day and the house is as clean as it was in my younger years. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 7 2015

November 7 2015 Greetings My Friend I look out the window and see rain, the leaves are in fall’s colors and they are falling from the trees.. Inside I am in my chair with a favorite blanket over me and Chiari is at my feet. I am welcoming the new work week as I write. Today I will follow my routine and start off the week emptying the trash baskets and hauling the trash can out to the curb I will clean the air filters and ever so slowly I begin the process of keeping house. These routines define me and I find that the mundane is sweet. The long ago life continues to fade from my memory and again I am thankful to be off the crazy roller coaster of emotions that was my everyday. I see my doctor next week slowly I begin making a list to share with her. I take stock of my health since my last visit. I note that my being out of breath is better but I still find myself wore out rather quickly. As I got ready to leave for church yesterday and got to the truck I recall sitting in the seat a moment and thinking that took quite a bit of energy. I ask myself since I have asthma does this feeling of being wore out mean I have a new normal? I next focus on my weakness. It is still there but different. I don’t feel like I will buckle under as I move around as much. I take off in the house from time to time without the walker. If I have Daisy in my arm I feel steady. I also find I need the walker still. I am not ready to venture outside the house without the walker yet. I notice I have to retype a few words because my hands are shaking a bit more. I spill things more and I am thankful that Junior does not get irritated with my lack of agility. By him not getting irritated I find I give myself permission to deal with the things that keep falling from my hands. We now joke often about “you married me” and we giggle. I also notice the panic I felt as I discovered this new decline is gone. I am thankful for the assist with medication to help me deal with this struggle. I wonder if I could go down on the dosage and think not really because it also helps with my shaky hands to some extent and I wonder how bad I would be with a lower dose. I am much better but I also am not back to where I was before this recent decline. I ponder what will be next in regards to what the doctor will recommend. I am not afraid and at the same time I am not looking to all the running I will be doing in order to find out what is wrong. At this point I refocus on my surroundings. Daisy is in her dog bed and Chiari is snuggled close to my lap. I thank God for our fur children and the way they bring comfort to me/us in so many little ways. They need attention, food and I soak up their love for me. They bring definition to our life. I also thank God that my roller coaster life is behind me and I find peace with this life even though I don’t know what each day will bring. I realize that it is God that holds me in the palm of His hand and I am not taking this journey alone. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 5 2015

November 5 2015 Greetings My Friend My steps to deal with my allergies is paying off because I am getting bronchitis less and less. I am now going a few months at a time before I come down with bronchitis and this girl is a happy girl. First we took all the area rugs and throw rugs out. We bought another bigger air purifier and added it to the ones we already have. This too is keeping a lot of allergens out of the air. The weather has broken from all the heat and humidity which is also helping me and my doctor has prescribed a stronger inhaler and I am not so winded these days. Along with switching between allergy medication and supplemental allergy oils and supplements my allergies are staying under control better. It is too hard to get rid of all of our fur children which might help me more so but our emotional health needs them more so. It may mean we won’t keep as many as they leave us but I am sure we will always have a couple of pets. Daisy has given me my focus back and taken a lot of my inward thoughts of me away. With less focus on all that is wrong I am able to keep looking for ways to deal with my disabilities and function at my best ability. I am willing to deal with a few allergy struggles for that reason alone. Daisy is an older dog so she has her struggles too. She has dry eye which has left her eyes cloudy and her sight minimal. She has arthritis and some other dog/joint struggles so I rub her down with Emu oil and give her joint supplements. Daily I watch her attempting to defend me by barking at Junior each time he walks in or out of the house. She stays at my side keeping me company and together we are growing old. As my lungs are able to function better and my windedness declines I find my energy level increasing again. I also am moving about the house with the walker less but my balance issues still arise and I use the walker as I feel the need. As I reflect again on where I was and where I am today I am so thankful for God prompting me to keep at it. The more I enjoy a day of productivity the more I am thankful to have worked hard at overcoming the limitations that brought me low. It has been worth the long journey back to some semblance of health. I don’t feel like a victim but I feel like a survivor. The journey out of abuse was a very long and winding road too. I knew abuse as a child and I married into an abusive relationship. I had anger issues and my bully quickly started teaching me how anger issues are so destructive. I still have that “you can’t make me” attitude when someone tries to force their ways on me. I don’t react in anger though. That I am grateful for each day. Proverbs teaches often on anger and how it seeps into other people’s ways of life so silently. I think on Proverbs when I am feeling agitated and I remember again keeping company with angry people takes me down to their level. I go to prayer today when I feel anger rising in me and God shows me a better way to deal with the situation. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 3 2015

November 3 2015 Greetings My Friend Wants versus needs is rolling àround in my thoughts again. We have a handyman who is helping Junior do somethings that Junior needs help with. When I asked God for help I was thinking of a contractor that would work with the Veterans Association who would do our kitchen and bathroom. Instead the guy is a man who knows general skills. At first I was miffed. Junior has done well much on his own. Junior has been teaching himself as he goes. He has been renovating for five years now and at times he seems tired. I also know that he needs to have some work to do. I mulled this over for some time before it hit me that God has given Junior exactly what he needs. The handyman is filling in the jobs where Junior needs help. These jobs are things we can afford to pay for. I see that Junior is relieved of a few burdens and he is not as tired these days. The renovating keeps my husband busy which is what he needs the most. For me I keep trying to rush the process which mens I keep learning to slow down and enjoy the process. I also learn that even though Junior is handicapped he has much to give and do. As I slow down there are many things I can still go. I may be slower but I am still able to contribute much to our lives and to other's lives. My work has changed and how to get it done is different. I actually learn “it is not over until it is over.” God reminds me again to trust Him. May God bless you and make His face shine on you. Love Janet