August 30 2014

August 30 2014 Greetings My Friend, The quietness surrounds me. I hear the rain falling outside my window as I sit another day in a chair attempting to feel better from bronchitis. Today I feel like I did last week and I am discouraged. So I sit in the quiet listening to the quiet sounds of life around me. Junior is taking his afternoon nap and Bella is curled up at my feet with Daisy on the floor next to me. In this quiet I find a contentment even in my illness. I am happy that I am able to get up to make a small meal, throw the sheets in the dryer and even push myself through making the bed again. Of course these are all done at intervals. I’ve called the doctor and have another appoint in the morning to get this thing checked out once more. The last time I remember struggling to get over bronchitis I was a child and that took me 6 weeks to get over. After that time frame I’d still get it but I usually moved through it easier. This bout of bronchitis reminds me of that time long ago. I hope it is just another round of antibiotics that will kick it but if not I’ve learned to do what I can and sit when I can’t. Doing my Bible study is a challenge to get focused. Even TV is not helping but for some reason I am able to sit and listen to the quiet sounds around me and accept the peace that this quietness seems to bring me. Prayer time took the focus off of my discomfort as I thought of people to list and ask for God to touch. A friend is struggling after her surgery and has a setback and she is down being quiet again. We both seem to be rebounding poorly with our ailments. She has checked in on me and I have checked in on her and even that moment of thinking about her has helped me keep my attitude on the positive side. I keep learning to attempt to put the focus back to God and onto another person who is hurting. For some reason I am able to let go of my illness for a bit and when I am dealing with a choking spell or my lungs feel like exploding I am able to walk through the rough moment and then refocus on others and not stay all tuned into “me.” I am praying for others, trying to do for myself as much as I can, listen to Junior as he comes and goes throughout the day. Facebook continues to let me touch the outside world. I have a laugh over a picture that is sent around. I say a prayer for someone struggling and I even feel a few “poor babies” as I comment on my struggle here and there. My major work these past few days has been my work on the computer so I still have a sense of accomplishment. My forays into the house attempting to cook, clean even if it is to sweep one floor also help me to keep engaging the world around me. I also realize that I am still serving, giving, loving and sharing the Gospel as I wade through each day of this illness and frankly that feels good too. In this deepest darkest moment of sickness I again see that God can use me anytime and all the time. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 28 2014

August 28 2014 Greetings My Friend, Yesterday’s Sunday school lesson is still playing around in my mind. It is a thought I tend to have often. The thought/lesson is “ It is not the denomination but the heart of the believer.” At times I enter into fellowship with people of different denominations on a deeper level and I find a connection I can’t put into words. Our teacher also made a comment that God’s church body will draw closer and become more involved as Christians continue to be persecuted around the world. It won’t be a denomination but the denominations will draw closer and begin to work together to reach out to those that are being persecuted. I could see the logic in her comment and I must admit I felt that her comment was right on the mark. The more I ask God to open my heart as I read and as I pray the more His voice is entwined into my being. I have never been Catholic but I must admit I love some of the rituals. I love watching people go forward for communion in a prayerful stance. I love watching the people kneel on their kneelers. I love the way so many parts of the service speaks to me. I am not Catholic today I am Baptist. This church tends to line up with God’s Word in a way I can understand and worship God. It isn’t the only denomination but this one is where I can grow my faith journey deeper. For another person a different denomination may do the trick. Does this church have its own flaws of course it does. Again I hear the refrain “I don’t like all the hypocrites I meet in church so I won’t go.” Again my heart responds with “ a church is a hospital for sinners and of course the hypocrites are there.” For me I know for the longest time I was in a church where I was more of a hypocrite than a Bible believing woman. Today though because many people kept reaching out to me with Christ’s love I am now on a faith journey to follow Jesus as best as I can. I am reading the Bible and I often hear God’s voice and the Holy Spirit’s prompting to change to be more like Jesus. Some people may never get the “heart” message and walk along in trying to show the world they are Christian and some will go further opening their heart all the way to God. We never know which ones are going to go deeper and which ones prefer to look like they are believers so we love as God loves us. Jesus often talked rather frankly with the religious leaders of His day. He would say things like “the cup is clean on the inside but the outside is dirty” (paraphrased) This and many other comments teaches me that God knows our “true” intentions so for me I have finally gotten the message to open and honest with God in all areas of my life. I have also learned God sees me everywhere I may be and even knows each and every thought I have so that means if I would not want Him to know something then I should leave it at the cross. When God pricks my mind with a sin then I learn to confess for it is in confessing that I can begin the journey to let go and to find healing. God wants my best He does not want to lord it over me that I am a rotten person. He doesn’t enjoy beating me up but wants me to be all that I can be and in that I feel safe to confess and with God’s help I move away from sin more and more. I also know that I will never be perfect but that is okay because I am being made new all the time. In heaven I will then know full perfectness. Again I see that it is not the denomination but the deep heart love that will change me, mold me and begin to fill me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 26 2014

August 26 2014 Greetings My Friend, Physical work is still rough right now so my work tends to turn to writing. Having learned to do both throughout the day has helped me do a full days work and to work at my ability to do so. With this bronchitis my recovery is taking time so as I feel awake more I do one small task and sit. I turn to Bible study, prayer and writing so my day feels productive even if my housework is on the downside at the moment. I read on a Chiari help support site about a lady who is newly married, and some famous TV person is also newly married. The TV person is starting a family right away and the lady on the help site can’t because she is going to have two surgeries due her Chiari. She resents the fact that people are asking her when she and her husband will start their family. My heart breaks for this woman. I have my own version of “it’s not fair so I relate and wonder.” For me I take it back to God each time I feel deprived of life’s simplest things. Being stuck in the “it is not fair” thought process only takes me further down into the pit. Giving my grief to God though helps me to see sunshine when only dark clouds try to circle me. It has been a long journey for me in some ways. I wanted to be the “mom” my kids adored. I am not and crushed is putting it mildly. Through the years though God has taken me by the hand and directed my steps. The hurt is still there but now it is a dull pain and not a deep bleeding wound. I find joy in the work God has directed me in. Part of my journey to “now” has been declining health with each twist and turn. About the time I thought I could not go any lower I went down even further. As I went downhill though God began giving me assignments. I learned to talk to God all day long. The more I talked the closer I felt to Him. He pointed me to a long lost love, writing. I started with a blog, wrote a short book and in the last few months I write a daily Facebook page about my faith journey. I am spending a few hours each day writing. I have been able to start walking and as my energy got better I swapped the walking out with doing housework. Just before bronchitis hit I was able to do both walk amd housework along with my writing time. My days are filling in rather nicely so this bronchitis set back is discouraging. Only I am not going as low as I have in the past when I encounter a setback. This time I sense a new lesson as I hang out in my comfy chair most of the day. For the most part I am able to give God all struggles. I have found myself wanting to take perfect care of myself. My thought is if I am pro active I won’t get sick very often. I sense God saying you aren’t staying well on your own will alone. I sense God does like my trying to be as fit and able as I can but I also sense that if I believe I am doing it all on my own then I have a problem. I felt if I was real good about how I ate, exercised and what have you then I’d be rewarded with very little down time due to illness’. I have to accept the fact that my body is challenged these days in a big way. I can’t will health to this body of mine. I can do my part and then I need to accept the illness’ that do come. I go back to the statement my doctor gave me. “Because of the work I strived to do to maintain good health I will be able to work through cancer easier.” So I take this to heart and realize that I am doing my part to keep my health as best as I can and I may not be able to bring my health back to 100% and that is okay. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 23 2014

August 23 2014 Greetings My Friend, I am reading in 1 Corinthians right now and a discussion I am running across pecks at my thoughts again. I must say that each time I come across verses like this I tend to have a stop and ponder moment. The passages reads something like this “Some say I follow Paul, others say I follow Apollos and other say I follow Peter.” Paul admonishes his followers with that all of the leaders follow Jesus, not each other or words to that effect. This generally gets my mind to engage. Through the years I find that I have a deep connection with other believers and often times they are from another denomination. My mother in law is my “go to” person I think of often. She is gone now but as I came to my faith it was my mother in law who opened my eyes to the Bible being lived out in her life. I was Presbyterian and she was Catholic. Today I am Baptist. I know some Pentecostals that inspire me with their genuine love of God. For the longest time I thought I could not feel close to God as I was in a worship service without saying the Lords prayer. I now belong to a denomination that rarely says this prayer corporately and I find peace in the love and acceptance each member of this church gives me. It isn’t about a way to come to the Lord but the Word that draws us closer. I can’t speak in tongues and that is okay. God teaches me He is in my life. The Pentecostals are able to share God’s love in a way a mainline church may not. The comfortable routine of a mainline church may speak volumes to someone totally different. I love the rituals of a Catholic service. Not one church though is more right than another. Again I think of Junior who grew up and lived the other side of the tracks than I did. He knows a real rough way of life and I know a more cultured way of life. We both grew up in dysfunction so we meet at that level. Junior can speak to people who know that side of life more than I can. I can talk to people on my side of the tracks. I keep learning that God puts us where we will have the most out reach for Him. Junior’s use of swear words turns a lot of middle class people off. To the crowd Junior knows these words are tame and they can relate and begin to hear the Good News. I am learning that God wants “all of us” to “hear the Good News.” He doesn’t want the ones who look nice on the outside only. He wants “all people” to come to Him. I again see Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman. This woman’s life was about as low as a life could be but Jesus reached out to her and gave her “The Good News.” I see it again with the woman caught in adultery or with the lepers He healed. Jesus sat with the tax collectors another group that was despised. Jesus also taught that many people looked good on the outside but inside they were filthy. Over and over I hear Jesus say that God wants a true repentant heart not just a pretty white washed looking heart. For me as I retired and began to believe those close to me that I was about as undesirable as I could be I found God saying “You are mine and you are going to be the way I want you to be.” Once I grasped this I began to find healing and acceptance. Yes I know I can change thoughts mid stream and it can be annoying but God says “that is okay. I created you this way for a reason.” I relate to others through my experiences and many think I am “all about me.” In fact I start with me because that “I’ve been down there” road often opens the door to a hurting person seeing the love of Jesus. I am not afraid to share those deep emotions as some are. If it means a wholeness in the Lord it was worth opening that wound again. I am frank in my writings about my journey. I wanted to see a real person walking through their struggle so I could begin my walk. I resented people who pretended all was well when it was not. The only one they truly fooled was themselves. Mom comes to mind she told anybody and everybody she gave up smoking. She fooled herself only. For me I could smell it on her since I was not a smoker. Her health kept declining. So I strive to love like Jesus loves me. I know what His love is as I read the Bible and I begin to imitate what I read in my own life. As I meet other believers that are in the Word I sense our spirits joining in fellowship as I imagine we will be in heaven. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 21 2014

August 21 2014 Greetings My Friend, I find so much encouragement from a little question Junior asked me as we were thinking to marry. At the time I fluffed it off because I had felt it was an obvious fact. It is one I subscribed to only I never put it in words and now he was. “Will you take this marriage seriously and there will be no ‘outs” was his question. As each year passes though I realize the depth of that question and I appreciate it. My ex and I never committed to this idea and frankly we divorced after 24 years. In my mind as we hit the decade and then into our 2nd decade I thought we had bought into the “no out” idea. We fought before we married, fought on our honeymoon and was fighting all the way to the end so how I came up with this idea I’m not sure. It did end and we were the statistic of two teenagers who married young. It took a while but it did end. These days I find myself relishing the idea we aren’t going to give up on each other. I relish that Junior loves Jesus and tries to love me as God loves him. I have learned to love Junior as God loves me. I continue to pray my prayer asking God to teach me. I love the “teach me” part a whole lot. In asking God to “teach me,” I learn what Junior needs. I start off with “Teach me to be the wife, friend, lover and companion Junior needs, not what I want to be for him. When I am seeking to be what Junior needs I am able to hear that small voice that says “not that way but this way Janet.” As I do it I see contentment on Junior’s face. Next I pray “open my eyes and heart to Junior.” This part is amazing. In my preconceived thinking a strange to me habit is not so strange and I even see love mixed in for others. I learn to focus on what Junior’s good points are and not on all his strange to me ways. I ask God also to “teach me to honor and respect Junior.” So what does honor and respect look like? About the time I think I know I find out Junior sees what I am doing as disrespectful. So God helps me here also. “Teach me to be sensitive to Junior and to seek his highest good,” comes next. I have a mouth that can berate someone in a heartbeat. As a woman I often move on as if nothing was wrong. I learned early on that a statement like that cuts Junior to the quick. These days I ask God to teach me to temper my words and show me how to focus on uplifting comments. Seeking Junior’s highest good also keeps the thoughts in a positive direction. As I pray I see Junior in my mind and find I marvel at this man God has placed me with. Each day I grow more in love with him. I am in awe of Junior as well. When Junior feels wanted he feels safe. In all of this I see a man in love with me. I finish up with “Protect us, hold us close. Teach us to be faithful and fruitful, first to You and then to each other. Lead us guide us for Your kingdom and glory. INJN I know that Junior too seeks to be the husband I need as well. As I struggle in life and Junior quietly but firmly insists I sit and rest or get out of the heat or such I feel a deep love from him. I find times where Junior studies me and reaches me in my love language. I learn Junior’s love language is words of encouragement. I am an encourager by nature but I know to add encouragement in all I say and do for him. Junior knows I need lots of attention. The more attention I know I will get I find I am quite comfortable with alone time these days. We’ve been married for 16 years now and frankly I’m not even close to thinking I’ve got this thing mastered. My goal is to pray until the end. I know that it is easy to break down a lifetime of work one day at a time, one step at a time so the goal is to keep praying as long as we live. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. ‘ Love Janet

August 19 2014

August 19, 2014 Greetings My Friend, “Be prepared to give a defense for the hope you have.” This is paraphrased but it is the thought I tend to have as I read Scripture. A friend wrote on her status about the innate need to be acknowledged by others. When someone steps besides you and gives you acknowledgement for your worth you tend to have more confidence. I agree with her statement and I add to it by stating for me God gives me that innate acknowledgement through Jesus. As I accepted Jesus as my Savior I started to experience real love. Until that moment I knew conditional love. As long as I pleased others I was acknowledged and when I displeased others I felt wrath instead of love. With God I felt accepted even when I messed up. He taught me to fess up to admit that I made a mistake. As I learned to be honest and look at my mistake I found God did not yell and scream “How dare you” but I was shown how to not enter into that sin. Sometimes it took several tries before I had it conquered. On occasion I even fell back in that sin years down the road. When I learned to confess it though I walked away quicker than in the past. With God I definitely feel convicted when I do something that is not good for me. A while back I chose to avoid a confrontation instead of being upfront and honest. I hate confrontations so I tend to smooth over things that in truth tend to irritate me. I know if I tell the truth in love that I’ve let the other person know where I am coming from. Even the truth in love at times is hard for me to do because I conjure up all kinds of anger and wrath in my mind. The day I glossed over my anger though I felt convicted. The person would not learn from her mistake if I did not confront her disregard for what I was paying her to do. I texted her that night and began to be honest. I did not fully enter into all the upset but I told her we would have someone else watch our pets. As the days unfolded I was able to enter more fully into my concerns. It was a process for me but I began that process and at that point my heart settled down. I was doing what God wanted me to do and peace reigned in me. I keep learning that “truth in love” is not always that hard to do and being honest all the way is much better. So again I learned God forgave me and I had another instance that was positive. That helps me want to do so again so I try to learn and grow as I go through each situation. I am not perfect but God seems to teach me and then at that point I grow through these situations. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 16 2014

August 19 2014 Greetings My Friend We’ve been to the VA in Johnson City and Junior’s hearing aids are on order now. It has been a year of trying to get an appointment to find that somehow he was never contacted for an appointment. A trip to our family doctor got him an appointment with an audiologist. The hearing test showed he needs 2 hearing aids. Once more Junior contacted the VA and this time he had an appointment. The audiologist had forwarded the results and now the hearing aids are on order. Since his appointment was early in the morning and Johnson City is about 2 - 3 hours away we decided to go there the day before and rent a room. The hotel had a pool so I was able to use the pool to exercise. The hot tub came in handy for Junior’s hip and back also. Due to his amputation Junior has a lot of back and hip problems. Married couples need to take time outs and spend time alone. We learned that is an important part of being married. We learned we need to date each other frequently. At first I thought the dates had to be dinner out or a shared sport. As the years have gone on I see the strangest moments as a date. For the longest time Friday night grocery shopping turned into a date for us. I got off of work late and we’d go grocery shopping at that time. More often than not the store was fairly empty as we went through each aisle. We sometimes stole a kiss, shared a favorite story and enjoyed this special time. Later in our marriage as we both grew tired from our work week we started to rent a video and that was our entertainment. We enjoyed the slow down time alone eating popcorn. For me walking is always a treat so Junior and I often went for a walk through our neighborhood. In our marriage retreats we also learned that it is important to get away periodically. If I remember right it is recommended that every few months it is important to do this. I soon learned that it did not have to be a fancy get away. Sometimes it was a marriage seminar and the ones we attended had built in couple time as well. For Junior and I a trip to the woods was a treat. We started to hike trails for a while but as we got older it got too hard. These moments of couple time has helped to cement our bond to each other and even today we need some special alone time. We are both retired now and we’ve learned new ways to get our couple time. We tend to get involved with our activities around the house during the day. We have lunch together and share what is going on then. When the mail comes in Junior brings the mail into the TV area and we rest and talk, sometimes while I’m talking to Junior I jump on the elliptical and we visit while he reads through the mail. After Junior is done looking through the mail more often than not he takes his nap. Sometimes I sit in the chair next to him and pray. Since most things are a drive around here we tend to lump things into a day or two of errands here and there. The travel time is more time to connect and we enjoy that a lot also. When I first retired I felt that traveling was what to do. We do like getting away. At first we’d go back to MI several times a year. That was getting too expensive so we’ve cut that down to once or twice a year now. We are switching our travels to a day here and a day there. I am enjoying this break in routine and a week or more away is not necessary. Our night in Johnson City was just enough time away and getting back home sooner is a treat also. While in Johnson City we shopped, swam and enjoyed our couple time a lot. Junior and I also need some alone time as well. Sometimes Junior runs to the hardware on his own. Sometimes I head to the dollar store on my own. We both go about our day in our own roles. I clean and cook and craft along with squeezing in some exercise. Mornings for me is the quiet time I need. I get online, read my Bible, write and pray. Junior renovates inside, outside and all around the place. So we are doing things we enjoy alone. I think this is important as getting away and spending quiet time. It to me is a balancing act to keep the right amount of alone time and couple time in our lives. As I figured out our dates, couple times don’t have to be the standard things I found our unique to us times even more of a blessing. Through the years I’ve learned it is the connecting more than the activity itself. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 14 2014

August 14 2014 Greetings My Friend, Paul is talking about our adoptions into Abraham’s family. We are adopted in when we believe and I learn that my conscience knows due to the Holy Spirit’s confirmation in my thinking. I am a wanted child of God. I can’t say with my lips I believe and then my actions continue to seek the pleasures of the flesh. As I have walked in faith I find that those little things in life are what truly comforts me. It is the pretty flower, the snuggle of a warm fur child, the happy face of a husband who is giggling at one of my antics. I keep coming back to “the little things” are what truly make life good. I do enjoy having a home and creating in it as Junior renovates and I decorate. Our home is 97 years old or so. The grandson of the man who built our home is our neighbor. It isn’t a fancy home and I marvel at how this man from so long ago made it “just right” for us today. The wrap around porch is awesome. I sit outside from time to time looking into the woods, across the street into more woods. Inside it is “just the right size” for us. All of our needs are on one floor and we only have one step to come up onto the porch. With the stove top in place I am finding I am in the kitchen cooking a bit more. Junior has a long way to go yet but I now have a stove instead of a hot plate. Slowing down has been a huge process for me. I love to be on the “go.” God has slowed me way down and it has been hard. I want to be like so and so. Then I stop in my tracks and realize I am not them. I am unique in God’s eyes and I need to relish my unique giftings. I have a talent for writing and at the same time a deep love. I believe this is a gift from God and as I write I find joy in telling others about His greatness in my life. I am about as silly as they come. That silliness causes many smiles and giggles as I go about town, my day. I bring a moment of relief to frazzled people. I take tension off of some situations and bring them back to a grounded moment. I help Junior let go of a project for a moment that is giving him trouble. I am friend to many. When I give my heart in friendship I am loyal, caring and encouraging.; I am an encourager by nature. Part of my encouraging ways is a “want” from a lifetime of being put down and ignored. That is okay because now I am an encourager and I love it. Being ADHD I tend to bounce rather easily when life throws me curve balls. My mind goes a mile a minute and thoughts, hurts tend to roll off of me because I am into a new thought like that. I tend to forget because I can’t stay focused. It is what it is that is my motto. The more I slow down the more I am learning, seeing and growing. How awesome is that? It isn’t about the fast pace as much as it is about learning to be content in all things. I work hard and enjoy my work especially these days. I always like each job I had but these days I enjoy not being able to crowd a ton of things into 24 hours. I have learned to stay home and clean and cook and write and be still. How awesome is that? May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 12 2014

August 12 2014 Greetings My Friend, Day #2 and that energetic woman is going at life with a storm. Floors swept, mopped. Sheets washed and in the dryer to be put back on the bed. Writing working on and I have more plans to enter into for this day. Junior is beside himself with joy also. Daily he comments on all of my achievements. He has had to take over many of the tasks I had always done for many years now. Alongside of that he has undertaken renovating our home, moving two times in two years and I marvel at this man. He has his own health issues, a bad back one foot missing and PTSD. He is my example to keep on keeping on when I’d just as soon call it quits, sit in my chair and wait for a miracle or some such thing. At first Junior thought I was lazy and he mentioned that fact often. I told him to stop, he did and as we weeded through each struggle and found some answers he has come to understand why I had such lack. He is now my cheerleader and with each encouraging moment I strive to reach further. I haven’t gotten to this point in my own steam that is for sure. I have to credit God with His all loving kindness, patience and His push. God and Junior and as some people left I started to see new people entering my life. The new people also encouraged me, pushed me and helped. Some gave me accolades for the smallest achievement. My doctor and I walked through each health issue one by one until I am where I am today. As I learned to work when I can and sit when I can’t I was learning that life for me anyway is not about blocking out time to do things. I now am able to work as I am able and I even work in the resting moments of life like writing is a quiet time activity or even quiet time with God whether in prayer, Bible study, or even listening to Christian radio. The thing that drove me the craziest about Junior is his what I felt was lack of focus turned out to be just what I needed to learn. He changes his jobs often throughout the day. He works on the kitchen renovating, he is extending the front porch and shoring up a wall out side our underneath since it was starting to collapse. Some days he takes care of the vehicles or we run errands and go to the doctor. Now that I am able to keep the house up more I feel like I am contributing again. I always wanted him to come home or finish his day to a comfortably clean home. He doesn’t want spotless but he does love things in some order. I am cooking more and more also. I have even undertaken a few craft projects and life could not be sweeter. In the end I am thankful that God allowed my health to go south and to bring me back to this moment. Do I want to go through it again, I hope not anytime soon but again the wonderful moments of learning how valuable I am to God has been precious. I have to me some big health concerns like COPD, Chiari Malformation, GERDS and osteoporosis. So my health is definitely still challenged to say the least. Part of my learning is learning how to manage and how to be proactive with each health struggle. I think if God had healed me in a moment I would not have learned to slow down, regroup and even to go to God for my life. Doing them in the process God took me through has taught me so much. Even in the storm I have learned to be thankful and content. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 9 2014

August 9 2014 Greetings My Friend, For a long time I bought into the “works” gets me closer to God idea. Today as I was reading Romans 9 I found myself re-learning this lesson that it is by faith I can get close to God and it is not by works. It is confusing to me at times because out of the genuineness of my heart I want to help others. I also want to give back to God so my faith makes me want to serve. As I read this and reread it even wrote out the whole passage I felt the Holy Spirit talking to me. I understand that I have special gifts that God has given me. I understand that as long as I work for the most part in my gifting I find peace. So here I am giving again? As I mull the question though I start to sense a new direction of thought. God has indeed given me a unique gift, a few different types even. As I continue to draw closer to God though I sense that it is more about letting God teach me where He wants me to be used more than giving as I desire. If I am faithful to God’s leading I find myself very content. As a parent I’ve had those moments where my child has done something “just” for me. The child thought they were helping me in a huge way but in essence it did not. I was proud of the work done for sure but I needed help with something totally different. Somehow I sense this with God also. We can go off on in our own journey but is it really doing what God is wanting out of me? The more I absorb this though I start to hear that small still voice deep inside of me. If I go out and do that then I find a peace a strength and an ability that I never knew existed. My pre existing thoughts were the only way to serve God is to be a minister, a missionary an evangelist or through works done through the church such as a youth advisor or short term mission trips. Those are very good ‘“works” in of themselves. The more I went on mission trips and did construction I found that is not my calling. I don’t hammer very well etc. I was an encourager to the teens and could get them involved in jobs and what have you but carpentry is so not my calling. I am getting feedback that my frankness helps but as I learned that most people don’t want to hear the details of my abuse they can relate to the lessons I have learned so I share those lessons. I am still real and at the same time not so full of details.So even in my gifting I sense God is growing me, using me and my walk is going deeper still. Not a bad way to go if you ask me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 7 2014

August 2014 Greetings my Friend, Is God teaching me another lesson. I am learning to pay attention to the small details in life that don’t seem to have anything relevant with life in general. My laptop wireless connection is not working and I am now plugged into the internet service via a cord. I have enjoyed sitting in my comfy chair and being on the internet. I write, I explore and do my rest periods there. Plugged in I am at Junior’s office desk in the spare bedroom which is playing havoc on my neck issues. I went outside grabbed my adirondack chair I have a pillow supporting my back and just now I’ve taken the laptop off of the desk and I am typing with it in my lap. Is God teaching me to find an out of the way place? Is He teaching me that the comfy chair is okay when I am playing around but when I am writing I need to be more secluded? As I walk around this thought I begin to hear a lesson I heard a few years ago about “the sin of comparison”. Since I have had a poor self esteem for a good portion of my life I tend to think I am nothing, have nothing and in general I am a no nothing kind of woman. Then I realize once more that God continues to teach me that I am unique and I don’t have the noticeable talents the world always will recognize. I am able to be open, frank and share details many find too hard to share. In sharing I find a group of people who relate, who are encouraged and truly love me and my unique ways. It isn’t about numbers per se. I always felt if I had a huge group of friends that meant I mattered. The more I live in my own uniqueness the more comfortable I am and the more I write, share my faith online and share my faith in day to day life. As I watch my numbers decrease I feel a sense of panic and my daily prayer to God is “not about me Lord but the one person You want me to reach.” I have to pray this a whole lot because to me numbers mean everything. To God it is about that one person and that one person and that one person. It isn’t about the numbers although sometimes the numbers increase and sometimes they decrease. I am finding joy in being able to keep house again. As I look into each room I enter and absorb the flavor Junior and I are creating I feel love and peace. I love sharing time with Junior day in and day out. Our fur children speak to my heart and little Daisy is that precious girl I’ve longed for. She claims me first before Junior. Alex snuggles me and life could not be sweeter. As I settle into accepting “me” for the woman God wants me to be I find myself able to reach out even more so to others. I see that I bring joy, a thoughtful moment in one of my ponderings and sometimes a deep talk of faith with someone. At the start of this journey it was hard to “hear”God’s voice but along the way God has taught me to be still so that I can hear His voice. For me the very first lesson in being still was cancer. I was so wore out that I sat, slept and sat again. I have a couple rounds of the sitting as Chiari and COPD have claimed what energy I once had. As I work back to an ability to move and do I am finding a sense of purpose to my life that I had never known before and it feels very comfortable to me. I find that there is no real “in crowd” but a group of people who share life with me and I share with them. It doesn’t always seem to be the ones I choose as well. God chooses who should be in my life or in another person’s life. “I am who I am in the Lord” and that is just right for me. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

August 5 2014

August 5 2014 Greetings My Friend, I don’t know why “God moments” tend to surprise me but they do when I experience them. I am in awe of all that God is able to do and I know He can do anything but that sense of “WOW!” continues to amaze me. Each day I ask God to put me and my day to His use for His glory. Many days I go about the day cleaning, loving Junior, the fur children and such. Then I have a day of amazement like I did yesterday. A friend at church knows someone who has my birth defect which is rare. We’ve talked a few times now. As she was going out the door she sent me an e-mail telling me that I should not see a Chiropractor. Many times I’ve heard this from MD.’s and frankly I’ve seen what they can do. Junior is able to be rather functional with his adjustments. With the shape his back is in the fact that he is able to move about like he does is amazing. This new friend mentioned about spinal fluid sacs erupting. So for now I will hold off. She also told me where she has gone for her surgery. I started researching and found a doctor that specializes in CM. I sent a message asking her if she heard of this doctor and he is her doctor. I must gather information and forward it to him but I am moving forward to get an understanding of what is going on. I have a cousin in Colorado and we have phone visits from time to time. There is a 2 hr. time difference so hooking up is a challenge at times. If either one of sees the other one online then we tend to make a call. Recently I’ve called a few times with no answer. This puzzled me but I also know she is a busy lady and we hook up when we can so I let it go. A few hours later I get a phone call and recognize her area code so I pick up. The caller mentions that I’ve called there a few times and he thought I might like to know I am not calling the number I think I am calling. We talk a bit and I recognize his voice. It is the brother or my other cousin. We’ve talked a bit here and there but I grew weary of his anger. I had that “rescue” feeling and I could tell he did not want to be rescued so I stopped calling him. I told him who I was and he thought it funny. I told him he sounds like a gentle guy and he said was unless people irritated him. At that point he lets people know how he thinks etc. I told him that I used to have lots of anger and Jesus has helped me to walk away from all that anger. He said he likes his anger. My guess is God wanted me to tell him how Jesus helped me and my anger. We talked a bit more and hung up. If I think further I’ve had other moments recently as well. I read that eucalyptus leaves helps with my COPD congestion. I had been in search of them and was not finding any. One day at Walmart I saw some wax melts that had the oil in them. I bought them and they are helping me a lot. Then there are the years and years of prayers about a relationship struggle I’ve had. Recently that relationship has turned around and we are moving forward. I am ever grateful for this renewed relationship. Many days I feel like I am not moving for God. The thing is that in the quiet times I tend to learn to listen to God more and trust forms within me. As I sit and wait and watch all of a sudden I see God working in my life in amazing ways. Again I learn to “Be still and know God.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

August 2 2014

August 2 2014 Greetings My Friend, A recurring theme I see on my support group sight is how people may look good but are truly struggling with pain, with an unseen illness that is playing havoc in their lives. In a round about way it is something I have dealt with but since I had no name for my birth defect much less knew I had one until a couple of years ago. As I began researching about Chiari Malformation I started to see why I was the way I was/am. Extreme tiredness has plagued me for a lifetime. When Junior met me he mentioned a time or two about how either I was up and running or I crashed. I did not seem to have that “in between” stable day to day energy. Either I was going or I stopped. Next I learned that balance issues is another aspect to this disease. For me as a youngster I was doing cartwheels, back bends, running and other assorted physical activities. I had good coordination over all but I often would all of a sudden trip over my feet for no apparent reason. Today I know that the culprit is CM. My current balance issues is part of this problem along with my hands shaking. I spent a lot of time vomiting in recent years which some of it is GERDS, a hiatal hernia, and more recently I have found it is also CM. So the disease disguises itself alongside of other common problems. In fact with Zantac and Protonix I don't vomit very much these days. Although I still regurgitate my food even my water consumption several times a day. More and more in recent years I've had bronchitis again. I was struggling with being winded doing simple tasks. I kept thinking it was the price I paid for entering into my senior years. I had never smoked so COPD did not make any sense. Then I was diagnosed with COPD and I learned that 2nd hand smoke was the culprit. A couple of years ago I blacked out and rolled down a hill. I had never blacked out like that. My doctor thought it was due to my lack of sleep. At that time I was sleeping only an hour or two at a time. A sleep study test showed I had sleep apnea. I thought due to a deviated septum. Now I learn that most CM patients tend to have sleep apnea and need a CPAP machine. My balance issue hit me hard and was out of the blue. All of a sudden I began tripping over “nothing”. I took some more huge spills. I had some goose eggs on my forehead and even a black eye due a fall. Of course CM is the culprit. I learned that some people may have CM and live symptom free for their entire life and some people develop symptoms later in life. I fall into that category. I was told I am at the worst and things should settle down. I've learned that most people don't have a headache when they sneeze, strain or even wake up with a headache. Mine are highly uncomfortable but a cup of coffee usually settles my pain. Some people are in major pain and need decompression surgery to relieve pain to quiet down the decline. The problem is once symptoms come on those symptoms will never go away. For me my headaches when I sneeze or cough feels like my brain bouncing around my skull. It is quick and it ends quickly for me but those few seconds are awful. My Dad had polio when I was a young girl. I grew up with disability and I learned many lessons on how to treat the disabled by letting them know I was there but also allowing them to try if they wanted to. Today while we were at a yard sale I bent down to get something on the ground. As I was attempting to rise up the lady next to me reached out to help me up. I was surprised that I was that unstable looking. I was glad her hand was there and surprised at the same time. My cane is a physical sign of a disability. Sometimes I am standing still and I wobble around again there is a physical sign. Many CM patients don't have that physical sign. The headaches come on as strong for some like a migraine. Many CM patients go weeks in constant headache pain and people are insensitive to their struggle. People assume you are faking, trying to get attention and frankly they are in major pain. I began my faith journey with extreme emotional pain. As the emotional pain subsided I am now facing physical pain. Both COPD and CM are progressive which can be very scary. My first instinct is to feel real bad for me, to be angry at the smokers in my life. As I left my abusive marriage and realized the horror that my children lived through I was beside myself. A minister taught me that I can't change the past and I can change the future. To be honest the anger and unforgiving attitude won't make things better. Being pro active means I can live a quality of life and even a longer life. At this point in my journey I start off with more confidence than I did at the start of my faith journey. I have past experiences to call upon where God held me, moved me out of a situation and I saw/see the day where the huge struggle is a memory. It is that hope that keeps me keeping on. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet