March 23, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am forming my retirement routines more steadily now and I am falling in love with the fullness I feel in life. I am thinking about writing more and that pleases me to no end. I have the prayer I say for my marriage floating around in my brain and soon I am sure the words will be put down on paper so to speak. As the house becomes more of a home that is settled and lived in and not a renovation nightmare I find myself moving forward in my life. I like that feeling a ton. I continue to look around the house and marvel at the prettiness of the house as Junior finishes each project. Yesterday I went out and bought a bunch of candles to put in the fire place and lit them last night. It was so pretty and now I don’t know if putting a small electric stove that looks like a wood burner or even an electric insert in the fire place is what I want to do anymore. I love the various candles burning inside of the fireplace and Junior even noticed that there is heat coming from all the candles. It isn’t a ton of heat but some. We have a propane fireplace in front of the other fireplace. That one has been cemented up and has a piece of wood over it so the insert is nice. We have back up heat for when the power goes out and that feels nice. In the kitchen we have a wood/coal burning stove which again helps us when the power is out and we don’t use as much energy from the heat pump. These days we set the temperature low and the other things we have in place heat our home and costs us a lot less. It works. I am no longer concerned when the power goes out because we have these back-ups in place. I have an electric heater that looks like a wood burner going in the entry way where I sit during the day. I love that too. With me sitting out in the entry way I write, pray and do my day time in this spot going into the TV area later in the day. I am not turning the TV on as early and that is a good thing. As Junior comes in and rests he tends to sit at his computer so he can play solitaire for an hour or more. It helps him re-focus and rest his back. We can chat with each other or not. I like that too. We draw near the other one throughout the day without being a pest. We have our times where we connect and then go about doing what we want to. It works and it is comfortable as well. I am enjoying moving at a much slower pace. I love to be involved in activities and frankly I don’t have the energy I once had so now I am learning to live a more settled quiet life. I love it. When the weather is nice I love my walks down our country lane. I think it is so cute that our dogs love following along. I find it so precious. I am not alone they feel like company. We have pillows and beds down throughout the house and I often smile when I see them all cuddled up in their favorite spots. It is precious to me. This day of settledness seems to have taken its time getting here. Now that it is here I find a peace and love the life out in this quieter area. I believe if we still lived in the bustle of the suburbs I would try to do way more than my body could handle and life would not be as sweet as it is out here. I have had to learn how to stay home more and sit more. It has been hard to learn. I am ADHD and being still is not something I do naturally. My mind still goes but the body can’t. I learn and grow into being a more quiet laid back person and frankly I am finding it to be rather sweet. Alex my 17 year old cat is getting old. It hurts. He has been with me through so many of life’s trials and the thought that his life is coming to an end makes me sad. Still he has been at my side and I find myself loving him so deeply. My sleep has finally begun to settle into a routine. I don’t go to bed till midnight most nights. I sleep more than 8 hours often like nine or ten. I would like to be up in 8 hours but you know what? That is okay these days. I get up do my day and enjoy life. I am with Junior which is a blessing beyond words. We are retired together and enjoy being around each other. I remember thinking in my life of abuse that I did not want to be dealing with this stuff in my 50’s. I was asked for a divorce and I asked God to save the marriage. The marriage ended. With Junior I have been given my dream. I often thought it would be nice to read the paper, to share the news and to discuss the news. We do that. We are quite comfortable with each other and having Junior in my life is a dream come true. I love that we don’t need to argue about everything. I love that we don’t use our fists. I love life with this man. Sometimes I find we pray and the answer is no. It is hard to accept at times. The longer I am with Junior the more I realize that my ex and I could never have overcome our differences and God allowed the divorce. It makes me sad but it is what it is and in Jesus….I have a sense of freedom and calm. Both of these feelings are strangely new to me and I love them. I go to prayer just about daily asking God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. In this I have been taught how to be what my man needs me to be. We love each other deeply and it feels wonderful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning time quiet routine and I begin to think back. Yesterday at my nieces house my sister started pulling out her bottom teeth and sticking them out at her granddaughter. My mind went right away to Grandma C. She was widowed before I was born and we often took her on trips with us. Grandma loved to do that trick when we’d get a little overly cranky. We’d start laughing and soon life wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. I loved Grandma C so much. I loved her stories. She told them every chance she got. They were about when she was a child and having no mother and how they all got through the rough times. I loved them. I almost felt like I knew my Great Grandfather because her stories became that familiar to me. Grandma quit school in the 6th grade so she could work in the school cafeteria. Great Grandpa let her because she was a girl and men supported the women and she would not need an education. As a child of the 60’s I was blown away. Because she was a girl she did not need an education? As I grew older though I began to see that was went on in the early 1900’s. I met my Great Grandfather in these stories and I found a man who loved his family dearly even if he sounded so rough to me. He tried to hire women to help with the kids, keep the house clean and the like. The kids kept running the women off. Finally Grandpa left the kids at home while he went to work. Oh I always want to cry when I think of the year the kids got head lice. Great Grandpa shaved their heads and sent them back to school. The girls were bald and I cringe. He did what he knew to do with what he had to deal with. I t seems mean and then there is a part of me that begins to understand. Of course I can’t think of Great Grandpa without thinking of how after his wife died and Grandma was so scared at night and he tied a string to her toe and the other end to his so Grandma could tug on the string if she woke up at night. He then knew to come in to comfort her. That rough sounding man had a very tender spot for his children even in his grief. As a young mother I found myself visiting Grandma while my son was in preschool. It was near her house and a visit meant we’d drink tea and eat cheese curls. It was precious. Grandma’s eyes were real bad because she had measles as a child and it affected her eyes. I loved walking in and seeing Grandma’s eyes behind her real thick lenses. They always lit up when I entered the room. Soon I was giggling at her stories. For Grandma humor was how to cope with the struggles of life and she seemed to make just about everything funny. Grandma was part of all family gatherings. We had her over for the holiday’s and she often went on summer vacation with us. I was the one who got to sleep beside Grandma in the camper we had. I did not wet the bed so I got it by default. I am now a Grandmother and I’ve longed to tell the stories. You know the time my son or my daughter….My son always had head hair in the mornings and it was precious. He had so many struggles as a child. We’d find out one only to learn he had more. At three he could not talk. I’d tell the doctor over and over and the doctor thought I was spoiling my child. I remember holding out a cookie telling him to say cookie. I finally gave up when he was in tears. As the years went on we found he had hearing problems. Not an everyday situation. He had it often enough to need tubes put in his ears. The tubes weren’t staying in as well. So his hearing was good some days and not on other days. When we had the ear problems figured out then we discovered the boy could barely see. That was strange to realize because he was riding a two wheeler at 4. Then one day we went for a walk and I saw a dog across the street and I pointed it out to my son. He could not see the dog. I felt horrible. We were so focused on his hearing problems that I did not realize he could not see. Add allergies to that and I felt like I was constantly trying to puzzle what else was wrong with my child. I also had a lot of people tell me I was overly protective. I guess in some ways I was. Each time though it proved that he needed me to be because he had major problems. My son entered into speech therapy at age 3 and at age 9 he was finally up to speed with his language skills. I always knew to get his ears checked when he called his friend Jeremiah, Germy. That meant he could not hear well and we needed to go get more tubes put in. I want to tell these stories to pass on the family history. In Grandma’s telling I learned that my Great Great Grandmother had serious hearing problems. Grandma did as well. So I began to see the family struggles with hearing. The stories told me about my background of where I came from and what our family was made of. I loved that. My sister and I are the first generation to be divorced. We both picked very poor marriages the first time. I am sad but it is what it is. Our second marriage though has been a strong union. I’d like to share with the gdrandkids about picking out a mate. I’d like to teach them that no one has a right to hit you no matter how annoying you are. I have not been given the chance to tell the stories. I tend to tell them in my writings though. So if some future relative wants to know them I’ve put them down. The stories may never go to another. I am ok with that as well. I left them behind and that is all I can do. What is your story? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning time quiet routine and I begin to think back. Yesterday at my nieces house my sister started pulling out her bottom teeth and sticking them out at her granddaughter. My mind went right away to Grandma C. She was widowed before I was born and we often took her on trips with us. Grandma loved to do that trick when we’d get a little overly cranky. We’d start laughing and soon life wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. I loved Grandma C so much. I loved her stories. She told them every chance she got. They were about when she was a child and having no mother and how they all got through the rough times. I loved them. I almost felt like I knew my Great Grandfather because her stories became that familiar to me. Grandma quit school in the 6th grade so she could work in the school cafeteria. Great Grandpa let her because she was a girl and men supported the women and she would not need an education. As a child of the 60’s I was blown away. Because she was a girl she did not need an education? As I grew older though I began to see that was went on in the early 1900’s. I met my Great Grandfather in these stories and I found a man who loved his family dearly even if he sounded so rough to me. He tried to hire women to help with the kids, keep the house clean and the like. The kids kept running the women off. Finally Grandpa left the kids at home while he went to work. Oh I always want to cry when I think of the year the kids got head lice. Great Grandpa shaved their heads and sent them back to school. The girls were bald and I cringe. He did what he knew to do with what he had to deal with. I t seems mean and then there is a part of me that begins to understand. Of course I can’t think of Great Grandpa without thinking of how after his wife died and Grandma was so scared at night and he tied a string to her toe and the other end to his so Grandma could tug on the string if she woke up at night. He then knew to come in to comfort her. That rough sounding man had a very tender spot for his children even in his grief. As a young mother I found myself visiting Grandma while my son was in preschool. It was near her house and a visit meant we’d drink tea and eat cheese curls. It was precious. Grandma’s eyes were real bad because she had measles as a child and it affected her eyes. I loved walking in and seeing Grandma’s eyes behind her real thick lenses. They always lit up when I entered the room. Soon I was giggling at her stories. For Grandma humor was how to cope with the struggles of life and she seemed to make just about everything funny. Grandma was part of all family gatherings. We had her over for the holiday’s and she often went on summer vacation with us. I was the one who got to sleep beside Grandma in the camper we had. I did not wet the bed so I got it by default. I am now a Grandmother and I’ve longed to tell the stories. You know the time my son or my daughter….My son always had head hair in the mornings and it was precious. He had so many struggles as a child. We’d find out one only to learn he had more. At three he could not talk. I’d tell the doctor over and over and the doctor thought I was spoiling my child. I remember holding out a cookie telling him to say cookie. I finally gave up when he was in tears. As the years went on we found he had hearing problems. Not an everyday situation. He had it often enough to need tubes put in his ears. The tubes weren’t staying in as well. So his hearing was good some days and not on other days. When we had the ear problems figured out then we discovered the boy could barely see. That was strange to realize because he was riding a two wheeler at 4. Then one day we went for a walk and I saw a dog across the street and I pointed it out to my son. He could not see the dog. I felt horrible. We were so focused on his hearing problems that I did not realize he could not see. Add allergies to that and I felt like I was constantly trying to puzzle what else was wrong with my child. I also had a lot of people tell me I was overly protective. I guess in some ways I was. Each time though it proved that he needed me to be because he had major problems. My son entered into speech therapy at age 3 and at age 9 he was finally up to speed with his language skills. I always knew to get his ears checked when he called his friend Jeremiah, Germy. That meant he could not hear well and we needed to go get more tubes put in. I want to tell these stories to pass on the family history. In Grandma’s telling I learned that my Great Great Grandmother had serious hearing problems. Grandma did as well. So I began to see the family struggles with hearing. The stories told me about my background of where I came from and what our family was made of. I loved that. My sister and I are the first generation to be divorced. We both picked very poor marriages the first time. I am sad but it is what it is. Our second marriage though has been a strong union. I’d like to share with the gdrandkids about picking out a mate. I’d like to teach them that no one has a right to hit you no matter how annoying you are. I have not been given the chance to tell the stories. I tend to tell them in my writings though. So if some future relative wants to know them I’ve put them down. The stories may never go to another. I am ok with that as well. I left them behind and that is all I can do. What is your story? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning time quiet routine and I begin to think back. Yesterday at my nieces house my sister started pulling out her bottom teeth and sticking them out at her granddaughter. My mind went right away to Grandma C. She was widowed before I was born and we often took her on trips with us. Grandma loved to do that trick when we’d get a little overly cranky. We’d start laughing and soon life wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. I loved Grandma C so much. I loved her stories. She told them every chance she got. They were about when she was a child and having no mother and how they all got through the rough times. I loved them. I almost felt like I knew my Great Grandfather because her stories became that familiar to me. Grandma quit school in the 6th grade so she could work in the school cafeteria. Great Grandpa let her because she was a girl and men supported the women and she would not need an education. As a child of the 60’s I was blown away. Because she was a girl she did not need an education? As I grew older though I began to see that was went on in the early 1900’s. I met my Great Grandfather in these stories and I found a man who loved his family dearly even if he sounded so rough to me. He tried to hire women to help with the kids, keep the house clean and the like. The kids kept running the women off. Finally Grandpa left the kids at home while he went to work. Oh I always want to cry when I think of the year the kids got head lice. Great Grandpa shaved their heads and sent them back to school. The girls were bald and I cringe. He did what he knew to do with what he had to deal with. I t seems mean and then there is a part of me that begins to understand. Of course I can’t think of Great Grandpa without thinking of how after his wife died and Grandma was so scared at night and he tied a string to her toe and the other end to his so Grandma could tug on the string if she woke up at night. He then knew to come in to comfort her. That rough sounding man had a very tender spot for his children even in his grief. As a young mother I found myself visiting Grandma while my son was in preschool. It was near her house and a visit meant we’d drink tea and eat cheese curls. It was precious. Grandma’s eyes were real bad because she had measles as a child and it affected her eyes. I loved walking in and seeing Grandma’s eyes behind her real thick lenses. They always lit up when I entered the room. Soon I was giggling at her stories. For Grandma humor was how to cope with the struggles of life and she seemed to make just about everything funny. Grandma was part of all family gatherings. We had her over for the holiday’s and she often went on summer vacation with us. I was the one who got to sleep beside Grandma in the camper we had. I did not wet the bed so I got it by default. I am now a Grandmother and I’ve longed to tell the stories. You know the time my son or my daughter….My son always had head hair in the mornings and it was precious. He had so many struggles as a child. We’d find out one only to learn he had more. At three he could not talk. I’d tell the doctor over and over and the doctor thought I was spoiling my child. I remember holding out a cookie telling him to say cookie. I finally gave up when he was in tears. As the years went on we found he had hearing problems. Not an everyday situation. He had it often enough to need tubes put in his ears. The tubes weren’t staying in as well. So his hearing was good some days and not on other days. When we had the ear problems figured out then we discovered the boy could barely see. That was strange to realize because he was riding a two wheeler at 4. Then one day we went for a walk and I saw a dog across the street and I pointed it out to my son. He could not see the dog. I felt horrible. We were so focused on his hearing problems that I did not realize he could not see. Add allergies to that and I felt like I was constantly trying to puzzle what else was wrong with my child. I also had a lot of people tell me I was overly protective. I guess in some ways I was. Each time though it proved that he needed me to be because he had major problems. My son entered into speech therapy at age 3 and at age 9 he was finally up to speed with his language skills. I always knew to get his ears checked when he called his friend Jeremiah, Germy. That meant he could not hear well and we needed to go get more tubes put in. I want to tell these stories to pass on the family history. In Grandma’s telling I learned that my Great Great Grandmother had serious hearing problems. Grandma did as well. So I began to see the family struggles with hearing. The stories told me about my background of where I came from and what our family was made of. I loved that. My sister and I are the first generation to be divorced. We both picked very poor marriages the first time. I am sad but it is what it is. Our second marriage though has been a strong union. I’d like to share with the gdrandkids about picking out a mate. I’d like to teach them that no one has a right to hit you no matter how annoying you are. I have not been given the chance to tell the stories. I tend to tell them in my writings though. So if some future relative wants to know them I’ve put them down. The stories may never go to another. I am ok with that as well. I left them behind and that is all I can do. What is your story? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning time quiet routine and I begin to think back. Yesterday at my nieces house my sister started pulling out her bottom teeth and sticking them out at her granddaughter. My mind went right away to Grandma C. She was widowed before I was born and we often took her on trips with us. Grandma loved to do that trick when we’d get a little overly cranky. We’d start laughing and soon life wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. I loved Grandma C so much. I loved her stories. She told them every chance she got. They were about when she was a child and having no mother and how they all got through the rough times. I loved them. I almost felt like I knew my Great Grandfather because her stories became that familiar to me. Grandma quit school in the 6th grade so she could work in the school cafeteria. Great Grandpa let her because she was a girl and men supported the women and she would not need an education. As a child of the 60’s I was blown away. Because she was a girl she did not need an education? As I grew older though I began to see that was went on in the early 1900’s. I met my Great Grandfather in these stories and I found a man who loved his family dearly even if he sounded so rough to me. He tried to hire women to help with the kids, keep the house clean and the like. The kids kept running the women off. Finally Grandpa left the kids at home while he went to work. Oh I always want to cry when I think of the year the kids got head lice. Great Grandpa shaved their heads and sent them back to school. The girls were bald and I cringe. He did what he knew to do with what he had to deal with. I t seems mean and then there is a part of me that begins to understand. Of course I can’t think of Great Grandpa without thinking of how after his wife died and Grandma was so scared at night and he tied a string to her toe and the other end to his so Grandma could tug on the string if she woke up at night. He then knew to come in to comfort her. That rough sounding man had a very tender spot for his children even in his grief. As a young mother I found myself visiting Grandma while my son was in preschool. It was near her house and a visit meant we’d drink tea and eat cheese curls. It was precious. Grandma’s eyes were real bad because she had measles as a child and it affected her eyes. I loved walking in and seeing Grandma’s eyes behind her real thick lenses. They always lit up when I entered the room. Soon I was giggling at her stories. For Grandma humor was how to cope with the struggles of life and she seemed to make just about everything funny. Grandma was part of all family gatherings. We had her over for the holiday’s and she often went on summer vacation with us. I was the one who got to sleep beside Grandma in the camper we had. I did not wet the bed so I got it by default. I am now a Grandmother and I’ve longed to tell the stories. You know the time my son or my daughter….My son always had head hair in the mornings and it was precious. He had so many struggles as a child. We’d find out one only to learn he had more. At three he could not talk. I’d tell the doctor over and over and the doctor thought I was spoiling my child. I remember holding out a cookie telling him to say cookie. I finally gave up when he was in tears. As the years went on we found he had hearing problems. Not an everyday situation. He had it often enough to need tubes put in his ears. The tubes weren’t staying in as well. So his hearing was good some days and not on other days. When we had the ear problems figured out then we discovered the boy could barely see. That was strange to realize because he was riding a two wheeler at 4. Then one day we went for a walk and I saw a dog across the street and I pointed it out to my son. He could not see the dog. I felt horrible. We were so focused on his hearing problems that I did not realize he could not see. Add allergies to that and I felt like I was constantly trying to puzzle what else was wrong with my child. I also had a lot of people tell me I was overly protective. I guess in some ways I was. Each time though it proved that he needed me to be because he had major problems. My son entered into speech therapy at age 3 and at age 9 he was finally up to speed with his language skills. I always knew to get his ears checked when he called his friend Jeremiah, Germy. That meant he could not hear well and we needed to go get more tubes put in. I want to tell these stories to pass on the family history. In Grandma’s telling I learned that my Great Great Grandmother had serious hearing problems. Grandma did as well. So I began to see the family struggles with hearing. The stories told me about my background of where I came from and what our family was made of. I loved that. My sister and I are the first generation to be divorced. We both picked very poor marriages the first time. I am sad but it is what it is. Our second marriage though has been a strong union. I’d like to share with the gdrandkids about picking out a mate. I’d like to teach them that no one has a right to hit you no matter how annoying you are. I have not been given the chance to tell the stories. I tend to tell them in my writings though. So if some future relative wants to know them I’ve put them down. The stories may never go to another. I am ok with that as well. I left them behind and that is all I can do. What is your story? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am at my morning time quiet routine and I begin to think back. Yesterday at my nieces house my sister started pulling out her bottom teeth and sticking them out at her granddaughter. My mind went right away to Grandma C. She was widowed before I was born and we often took her on trips with us. Grandma loved to do that trick when we’d get a little overly cranky. We’d start laughing and soon life wasn’t as bad as we thought it was. I loved Grandma C so much. I loved her stories. She told them every chance she got. They were about when she was a child and having no mother and how they all got through the rough times. I loved them. I almost felt like I knew my Great Grandfather because her stories became that familiar to me. Grandma quit school in the 6th grade so she could work in the school cafeteria. Great Grandpa let her because she was a girl and men supported the women and she would not need an education. As a child of the 60’s I was blown away. Because she was a girl she did not need an education? As I grew older though I began to see that was went on in the early 1900’s. I met my Great Grandfather in these stories and I found a man who loved his family dearly even if he sounded so rough to me. He tried to hire women to help with the kids, keep the house clean and the like. The kids kept running the women off. Finally Grandpa left the kids at home while he went to work. Oh I always want to cry when I think of the year the kids got head lice. Great Grandpa shaved their heads and sent them back to school. The girls were bald and I cringe. He did what he knew to do with what he had to deal with. I t seems mean and then there is a part of me that begins to understand. Of course I can’t think of Great Grandpa without thinking of how after his wife died and Grandma was so scared at night and he tied a string to her toe and the other end to his so Grandma could tug on the string if she woke up at night. He then knew to come in to comfort her. That rough sounding man had a very tender spot for his children even in his grief. As a young mother I found myself visiting Grandma while my son was in preschool. It was near her house and a visit meant we’d drink tea and eat cheese curls. It was precious. Grandma’s eyes were real bad because she had measles as a child and it affected her eyes. I loved walking in and seeing Grandma’s eyes behind her real thick lenses. They always lit up when I entered the room. Soon I was giggling at her stories. For Grandma humor was how to cope with the struggles of life and she seemed to make just about everything funny. Grandma was part of all family gatherings. We had her over for the holiday’s and she often went on summer vacation with us. I was the one who got to sleep beside Grandma in the camper we had. I did not wet the bed so I got it by default. I am now a Grandmother and I’ve longed to tell the stories. You know the time my son or my daughter….My son always had head hair in the mornings and it was precious. He had so many struggles as a child. We’d find out one only to learn he had more. At three he could not talk. I’d tell the doctor over and over and the doctor thought I was spoiling my child. I remember holding out a cookie telling him to say cookie. I finally gave up when he was in tears. As the years went on we found he had hearing problems. Not an everyday situation. He had it often enough to need tubes put in his ears. The tubes weren’t staying in as well. So his hearing was good some days and not on other days. When we had the ear problems figured out then we discovered the boy could barely see. That was strange to realize because he was riding a two wheeler at 4. Then one day we went for a walk and I saw a dog across the street and I pointed it out to my son. He could not see the dog. I felt horrible. We were so focused on his hearing problems that I did not realize he could not see. Add allergies to that and I felt like I was constantly trying to puzzle what else was wrong with my child. I also had a lot of people tell me I was overly protective. I guess in some ways I was. Each time though it proved that he needed me to be because he had major problems. My son entered into speech therapy at age 3 and at age 9 he was finally up to speed with his language skills. I always knew to get his ears checked when he called his friend Jeremiah, Germy. That meant he could not hear well and we needed to go get more tubes put in. I want to tell these stories to pass on the family history. In Grandma’s telling I learned that my Great Great Grandmother had serious hearing problems. Grandma did as well. So I began to see the family struggles with hearing. The stories told me about my background of where I came from and what our family was made of. I loved that. My sister and I are the first generation to be divorced. We both picked very poor marriages the first time. I am sad but it is what it is. Our second marriage though has been a strong union. I’d like to share with the gdrandkids about picking out a mate. I’d like to teach them that no one has a right to hit you no matter how annoying you are. I have not been given the chance to tell the stories. I tend to tell them in my writings though. So if some future relative wants to know them I’ve put them down. The stories may never go to another. I am ok with that as well. I left them behind and that is all I can do. What is your story? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 23, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am forming my retirement routines more steadily now and I am falling in love with the fullness I feel in life. I am thinking about writing more and that pleases me to no end. I have the prayer I say for my marriage floating around in my brain and soon I am sure the words will be put down on paper so to speak. As the house becomes more of a home that is settled and lived in and not a renovation nightmare I find myself moving forward in my life. I like that feeling a ton. I continue to look around the house and marvel at the prettiness of the house as Junior finishes each project. Yesterday I went out and bought a bunch of candles to put in the fire place and lit them last night. It was so pretty and now I don’t know if putting a small electric stove that looks like a wood burner or even an electric insert in the fire place is what I want to do anymore. I love the various candles burning inside of the fireplace and Junior even noticed that there is heat coming from all the candles. It isn’t a ton of heat but some. We have a propane fireplace in front of the other fireplace. That one has been cemented up and has a piece of wood over it so the insert is nice. We have back up heat for when the power goes out and that feels nice. In the kitchen we have a wood/coal burning stove which again helps us when the power is out and we don’t use as much energy from the heat pump. These days we set the temperature low and the other things we have in place heat our home and costs us a lot less. It works. I am no longer concerned when the power goes out because we have these back-ups in place. I have an electric heater that looks like a wood burner going in the entry way where I sit during the day. I love that too. With me sitting out in the entry way I write, pray and do my day time in this spot going into the TV area later in the day. I am not turning the TV on as early and that is a good thing. As Junior comes in and rests he tends to sit at his computer so he can play solitaire for an hour or more. It helps him re-focus and rest his back. We can chat with each other or not. I like that too. We draw near the other one throughout the day without being a pest. We have our times where we connect and then go about doing what we want to. It works and it is comfortable as well. I am enjoying moving at a much slower pace. I love to be involved in activities and frankly I don’t have the energy I once had so now I am learning to live a more settled quiet life. I love it. When the weather is nice I love my walks down our country lane. I think it is so cute that our dogs love following along. I find it so precious. I am not alone they feel like company. We have pillows and beds down throughout the house and I often smile when I see them all cuddled up in their favorite spots. It is precious to me. This day of settledness seems to have taken its time getting here. Now that it is here I find a peace and love the life out in this quieter area. I believe if we still lived in the bustle of the suburbs I would try to do way more than my body could handle and life would not be as sweet as it is out here. I have had to learn how to stay home more and sit more. It has been hard to learn. I am ADHD and being still is not something I do naturally. My mind still goes but the body can’t. I learn and grow into being a more quiet laid back person and frankly I am finding it to be rather sweet. Alex my 17 year old cat is getting old. It hurts. He has been with me through so many of life’s trials and the thought that his life is coming to an end makes me sad. Still he has been at my side and I find myself loving him so deeply. My sleep has finally begun to settle into a routine. I don’t go to bed till midnight most nights. I sleep more than 8 hours often like nine or ten. I would like to be up in 8 hours but you know what? That is okay these days. I get up do my day and enjoy life. I am with Junior which is a blessing beyond words. We are retired together and enjoy being around each other. I remember thinking in my life of abuse that I did not want to be dealing with this stuff in my 50’s. I was asked for a divorce and I asked God to save the marriage. The marriage ended. With Junior I have been given my dream. I often thought it would be nice to read the paper, to share the news and to discuss the news. We do that. We are quite comfortable with each other and having Junior in my life is a dream come true. I love that we don’t need to argue about everything. I love that we don’t use our fists. I love life with this man. Sometimes I find we pray and the answer is no. It is hard to accept at times. The longer I am with Junior the more I realize that my ex and I could never have overcome our differences and God allowed the divorce. It makes me sad but it is what it is and in Jesus….I have a sense of freedom and calm. Both of these feelings are strangely new to me and I love them. I go to prayer just about daily asking God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs. In this I have been taught how to be what my man needs me to be. We love each other deeply and it feels wonderful. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Jane

March 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am hunkered down with a blanket over me and several candles burning inside of the fireplace. The candle smells are mostly of baking cookies type of smells. The fire brings warmth on a cold blustery day and I feel warmth deep inside of me even though it is so cold outside. I’ve said my prayers and I am thankful that I’ve been steady in saying them for the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I get up and run and when I get home I forget to pray, not lately and frankly that feels wonderful. I’m once again keeping up with my Bible readings. My internet has been doing weird stuff and I have fallen behind again only to get to the point of reading my Bible online daily and yup that too feels good. I have a couple of relationships that I’m struggling to stay in. I love the people deeply but I can’t figure out how to stay connected. We seem to misread each other and I don’t know how to make the connection work. I call and call and seldom get a call back from them on their own and I wonder if I am bothering them. Often our conversations are difficult and hard to process. I keep asking God to show me how to relate to these people. I love them deeply and at the same time I feel clueless as how to relate to them. There has been a painful life in the past and frankly I don’t know how to move beyond the past even though I try. So I go to prayer pretty much daily and at some point I know God will reveal to me what I need to do to overcome the divide that is there. I also know at the right time, God’s time not mine I will be able to accept the relationship and move forward or not. God will be involved of that I am sure. Life without God is too painful for me to do anymore and my whole goal is to keep coming under God’s authority. If I can keep giving God control of my life I find I live in peace and contentment. I still need my anti-anxiety medication. I wish I didn’t but I do need it. I believe God has given me this medication so I can live more at peace and be whole. One of the hardest things for me to process is inside of my family I am looked at as strange and a very incapable type of person. With friends though I am seen as a person who has overcome a lot of adversity and still made life decent and it is confusing at times. In general I see myself as a survivor. I may not know how have to the best of family relationships but I have survived a whole lot of abuse in my life and I am not a person who resorts to using fists, nasty words at the drop of a hat to harm another. It has taken a lifetime of trying and for the most part I don’t resort to these methods anymore. That feels real nice. I truly like “me” these days. I am content with the woman God is making me to be and I like her. Most people I meet seem to see a woman who cares deeply. That is what I see reflected back to me as I am in relationships. I have a tender nature and caring nature. So when I see this reflected back, personally I like this woman. My husband tends to portray this image to me as well. I see deep love in his eyes as I am “me”. I like that feeling a ton. I have also learned in life that there will always be people who don’t like the type of person you are. No matter how hard you try to be likable. These days I don’t find myself distraught over not being a liked person. I can’t be anyone but me. The “me” I want the most to be seen is a woman who loves God and tries to walk with God day to day. I am walking away from being a total “people pleaser” and frankly I have found that the “people pleasers” of the world are generally annoying to others. So these days I try to be “me” even if another doesn’t like “me.” I am who I am in the Lord. I continue to reach out in these relationships. I am told often that it is up to me and I can see their point but there comes a time and I don’t know. I’ve done what I know how to do. Some people seem to think that we automatically know how to be a parent, a grandparent, a friend etc. Frankly the longer I live I find that “no I don’t automatically know” how to do these things. God has taught me that He needs to be my all in all. The more I give my life, my relationships to God, the more I am able to have peace inside of myself. God does show me as well and sometimes God allows the hurt to help me to become more of what God wants me to be. If I am able to allow God to be master in my life I am able to let go, move on and do life. Now again I do need medication to be able to process and I don’t think that God is angry with me for taking medication. I believe that God has given me this medication to help me process more and do more and in it all my walk becomes deeper. Some people don’t need medication, some do and that is ok. I will take these relationships to prayer for the rest of my life. That is how important they are to me. Maybe they won’t get my struggle, maybe they will and we will become real good friends. I am at peace with it though. That is a comforting feeling being at peace even though I don’t have what I want. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Easter is at the end of the month. One time I heard a minister teach that we should begin to prepare ourselves for communion before we arrive to church on Communion Sunday. I find myself trying to remember the cross, the reason for the cross the week before I arrive to church for communion. By the time I get to that quiet time of communion I find myself even more reflective and grateful for the gift I’ve been given. Our church generally celebrates communion the first Sunday of the month. I like the routine of knowing that we will celebrate each month and many months I try hard to think about the gift of the cross before arriving to church on that Sunday. As a young person who struggled with ADHD I struggled to still my mind. I still struggle to still my mind to be honest. These days though I am able to stay with the thought longer. When I do I feel blessed. I am able to understand God’s great love for us, His perfectness and the harsh reality that sin is about as foreign to God as perfectness is foreign to us. For me, I am finding that I tend to also try to think on the gift of the cross at Christmas and Easter. If I can do this I meet Jesus on a more personal level. I find I don’t get upset if a holiday doesn’t measure up in my mind’s eye the way I’d want it to be. I do grieve the loss at times but then I am able to move out of grief and into thankfulness by the time the holiday is done. I find myself feeling like I am a wanted child of God. I am not a mistake. For me that is marvelous. I matter and frankly when I know that I matter I tend to feel alive even more so. I deal the harshness of life easier and I find myself willing to keep trying when I’d rather give up. In this I finally “got” that Junior truly loves me. I had figured he’d leave me when the fun wore off. It is what I knew. Knowing that Junior is staying regardless well that feels wonderful and I feel he is a gift from God. As Junior comes along side of me as I struggle with life’s situation helps me so much. I am not alone physically. He goes to doctor appointments and helps me figure out life on a day to day basis. I like looking to Junior as my “leader” in many ways. I believe I am a helpmate to Junior and I am there to stand beside him and help him. To me that is what I was created to be, a helpmate. When I strive to make life easier for Junior I feel whole. Together we face life and in that I find peace. It is the looking at the cross that was able to help me see the true gift I’ve been given. I remember asking God to not make me look at the horror of what Jesus endured. God said I needed to look at the cross regardless of the horror of it all. I did and frankly I am thankful. Jesus willingly left heaven and the wonderful peace there is in heaven. He came down as a baby born of a woman as we all are. He lived life and knew our emotions of joy, sorrow and the like. He died on the cross. There was tremendous abuse to his body before being nailed on the cross. I always struggle to see Jesus nailed literally to the cross. But Jesus was nailed and before the nails he was scourged (had a whip struck across his back and I have learned that there was glass and stone tied to the whip making it even more painful.) Jesus was mocked which was painful physically as well as emotionally. By the time He was nailed to the cross, Jesus’ face was swollen and disfigured. His head had a crown of thorns put harshly on it. Somewhere along the way I see so much pain, physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Then I see Jesus dead. The soldier put a spear into his side and Jesus had blood and water spill out of Him. In my mind he was dead. He is taken down and put in a tomb. For me I begin to find hope residing in me as I see that Jesus has risen from the grave. I don’t like the idea that we die and nothingness. I like that we go onto an eternal life and for me because I believe in Jesus I will live with Him and God. I don’t know what that life will be but I know that the hope of life going on forever and ever sustains me. I find I have hope in the day to day struggles this life pours out on me. I must say I am afraid of dying and the pain I may experience. I see Jesus in the garden praying “Take this cup of suffering from me, not my will but your will.” I see angels come beside Jesus and Jesus going to the cross and Him rising from the grave and I find I have hope. That hope allows me to face the trials of life big and small. I find I matter to God. I find a desire to go out and share the Good News as best as I can. I still feel life’s pain, I also feel joy. I marvel that I have a chance to live and be and do for God. That drives me more and more. I am also learning that sharing the Good News doesn’t mean saying “God and Jesus” in every sentence. It does mean living at home with the hope I have. It means not giving into porn, bad words or being mean to others. It means I am honest even when I could gain something because of a sales clerk’s error. I also know that I will screw up and say something mean, do something not nice from time to time. At that point I take it to God and ask to be forgiven. I find I will walk away from sin more and more and I am a wanted child of God even in my mistakes in life. God keeps working on me and frankly that feels wonderful even though I screw up often. I find though that my screw ups aren’t happening as often, that feels real nice. What is your hope, where is it found? Is it money, a nice home, family???? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

March 5, 2013 Greetings My Friend, This last trip to MI and back has taken a toll on me. It is a good 6 weeks or more since we have gotten back and finally today I am back to the routines I started before leaving to MI. I have been longing to get back to this routine but life seems to keep happening and I am struggling to get back to what I started. I woke up real early today as did Junior so we decided to make the run to Vansant to see our Chiropractor which is a 3 hour round trip. When we got back I headed back to bed and I am now up and moving again. When we got back from our errand running yesterday I was able to move some furniture around and put a 3rd chair into our entry way. It will be a nice place to visit with people when they come by and not have the TV interrupting our conversations. I keep thinking that I have made a “coffee house” look and I find myself enjoying it a whole lot. We picked up an electric heater that looks like a wood burning fire for the entry way. With that going I have the warmth I need to sit back here again. I have a blanket to cover up with. These are the comfort things I tend to like to wrap myself up in. They make me feel safe and content. I am enjoying the warmth of sunshine coming through the door and window. I feel hope stirring inside of me. I haven’t felt down, depressed but this hope is just contentment with life hope. I love the old fashioned look from years gone by, probably like the 1930’s or so. For me it seems to be a time of peace within the home. I know Dad grew up in the 30’s and his life was anything but nice. Grandpa was a cruel man and Grandma was a young bride and mother. Still the older look tends to make me quiet and calm. I look up from the computer screen and see one of the dogs up on the table. I yell at him to get down. My tiny cat is my buddy and he is snuggling me wanting me to pet on him as he steps on the keys to the computer and I find myself making corrections. Yup I love the peacefulness of life right now. It feels like getting to this period of quiet peace has been a journey. Two moves in two years and retirement have seemed to be about the most challenging struggle I have faced since my divorce. With Junior though I knew somewhere deep inside of me that he was going to walk through all these struggles with me. That is the sense I keep coming across lately. Since the accident I know way down deep inside of me that we are here for the duration. He is not going to quit and I am not either. To tell you the truth that is one of safest feelings I have had in life. Up till Junior I never felt like I made the grade and when I did not I was given up on. This month we will be married 15 years. I was married the 1st time 24 years so I feel like I am to be a married lady. Junior has come into my life and at this point I truly believe that a man and woman can enjoy each other in all areas of life. The first marriage I thought we needed to be together to have children and we may like to do the man/wife thing and that would be about it. I thought that we women wanted our friendships because we could not draw close to the man and men liked to be out with their buddies so they did not have to listen to their women. It is what I knew. It was no different for me than when I was growing up so to me this was normal. With Junior though I have found a deep enjoyment and we tend to like being around the other. We enjoy time away from time to time and when we come together we have a deeper appreciation for the other one. Junior went to California for a funeral recently. As he called me I sensed that he had needed to be around the guys. He had time to remember and to talk man stuff. He called me every day. I still sensed his need to see these friends without me at his side. When he called I also sensed his desire to be back with me again. I was able to fill the days with busyness and in short order Junior was home and we were enjoying each other’s company again. As I sit here writing Junior is working on renovating the kitchen. I find a peace with him doing his thing during the day and me doing mine. At some point we will turn the TV on and we will sit in our chairs talking and sharing and enjoying each other’s company. I will work in the entry way some more, clean out the TV area and have a sense of making our home a home. I like that feeling a whole lot. I like that when Junior is done that the house will feel comfortable. I have gotten away from cooking since returning from MI but I will be back to that in short order. I do love making life comfortable for my man. It is something deep inside of me that fills me. Again I sense the need to be a “helpmate” to my husband and as I am a “helpmate” I find a sense of peace within me. I don’t want to be better, smarter or make more money than Junior for the sake of bettering him. I want to come alongside and help him in his “work” which at this point in our lives is him renovating our home. As a room is finished and I get to keep house again I find a satisfaction being what I believe God created me to be. I am not dumber than Junior or smarter. I feel like that clog fitting into the gear rather nicely. What does your relationship say about your life? Do you have to prove you are the better person? Can you let someone else get the attention? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, On the way to church today Junior said that he is starting the kitchen. I was shocked but very happy to hear that the kitchen is going to be done in the near future. As he is working on the kitchen he is also working outside on the new porch which will be off of our master bedroom down the road. This porch will also be off the bedroom and means the dogs won’t be able to overpower me with their love etc. There also won’t be puppy chewed up mess to walk through all the time. That is exciting me. Junior has J over helping and soon he should be getting a job so we are trying to use him while we can. So Junior continues to do a few jobs at one time and it continues to be hard for me to see his vision. Still I have learned that Junior will finish what he starts and we will have finished house. So I go in faith that my Man will one day be done and the house will be complete. My mind keeps toying with “it will be done one day”. Junior will do some projects with the idea he will come back and upgrade through the years. We will keep the kitchen sink for now and replace it down the road. The goal is to get our home to a point of done and then go back and upgrade where we can. I think Junior doesn’t mind having work to do for a few more years. He tends to see his “job” as renovating and having things to work on for many years is not bad. I am good with his plan and don’t mind getting most of the stuff done and going back and putting finishing touches on. It works for me. I also see that I will have a real home and then we could go back and get even nicer things down the road. I also see that once the house is more finished I won’t be so in a state of flux that I should be able to keep it clean like the “old” Janet. That excites me because I don’t operate so well in a state of flux. I need order to feel whole and able to function. Going on three years in this home and the state of flux has been rough. The thought of a finished home, well I could be happy with that. Once the kitchen is done then the last room/rooms will be the enclosed porches and a master bedroom. At that point I will finally get a bathtub which I’ve longed for a long time now. I can see me soaking in a deep soaker tub and loving it. I am also anxious to see what Junior will do with the yard. He is so creative and seeing his projects come to fruition is exciting to me. I must say having so many dogs does not help with the looks of the yard. They seem to find something to chew on and our yard is often littered with dolls, toys and the like. Again down the road having a porch where we enter from our bedroom and no dogs can come out there on their own appeals to me. I hope to put a small fridge and a coffee pot near the porch would be awesome because I could get up, have breakfast outside with no friends to help litter up the porch. I also see me with my laptop out on the porch writing. The dreams still come and that is exciting to me. Instead of dreaming about a new house these days my dreams center on the next project. For the first time in my life I am not dreaming about the “next” house. Because it will take years I don’t think I will ever want to move again which again excites me. I continue to love the area and the house we have moved to. It is beautiful. The weather suits both Junior and I which is weird since I’d rather be in warm weather and Junior likes winter. The average winter temperature is 40 degrees. I can live with that. When it snows out here the snow is gone within a couple of days. Again that is good. As we see the end in sight I also my health seems to be coming under control. I will have health struggles like using a cane for the rest of my life but I am good with that. My sleep is way better. My emotions are on the upswing. I have not had to deal with the Ex in years now. He shows up in small ways like on FB in pictures, comments to the son but over all I am finally feeling free from the past. My counselor told me that I handled the last upset fairly well and I should realize that I will more than likely run into these situations through the years. With us in another state and no more family gatherings at least for a while I am able to finally feel at peace. I also see that if there is a time where we are at a gathering I will more than likely ask him to move on. If he wants to make me look bad, I can leave. For the first time I don’t feel a victim to his antics. I have wanted to not make a scene for our children’s sake and at this point I no longer worry about it. It is hard for me to see an end to all our work but I am very excited for that day. We will travel, I will write maybe another book, my blog and life settles into a comfortable retirement. I am hoping to meet a cousin I have yet to meet. I met her on the phone and I am anxious for our retirement to move forward. Again I see my faith journey has brought me to this day. I will have more struggles I am sure. Having God in my life gives me the courage to face whatever comes my way. May God bless you and keep, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet