March 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am hunkered down with a blanket over me and several candles burning inside of the fireplace. The candle smells are mostly of baking cookies type of smells. The fire brings warmth on a cold blustery day and I feel warmth deep inside of me even though it is so cold outside. I’ve said my prayers and I am thankful that I’ve been steady in saying them for the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I get up and run and when I get home I forget to pray, not lately and frankly that feels wonderful. I’m once again keeping up with my Bible readings. My internet has been doing weird stuff and I have fallen behind again only to get to the point of reading my Bible online daily and yup that too feels good. I have a couple of relationships that I’m struggling to stay in. I love the people deeply but I can’t figure out how to stay connected. We seem to misread each other and I don’t know how to make the connection work. I call and call and seldom get a call back from them on their own and I wonder if I am bothering them. Often our conversations are difficult and hard to process. I keep asking God to show me how to relate to these people. I love them deeply and at the same time I feel clueless as how to relate to them. There has been a painful life in the past and frankly I don’t know how to move beyond the past even though I try. So I go to prayer pretty much daily and at some point I know God will reveal to me what I need to do to overcome the divide that is there. I also know at the right time, God’s time not mine I will be able to accept the relationship and move forward or not. God will be involved of that I am sure. Life without God is too painful for me to do anymore and my whole goal is to keep coming under God’s authority. If I can keep giving God control of my life I find I live in peace and contentment. I still need my anti-anxiety medication. I wish I didn’t but I do need it. I believe God has given me this medication so I can live more at peace and be whole. One of the hardest things for me to process is inside of my family I am looked at as strange and a very incapable type of person. With friends though I am seen as a person who has overcome a lot of adversity and still made life decent and it is confusing at times. In general I see myself as a survivor. I may not know how have to the best of family relationships but I have survived a whole lot of abuse in my life and I am not a person who resorts to using fists, nasty words at the drop of a hat to harm another. It has taken a lifetime of trying and for the most part I don’t resort to these methods anymore. That feels real nice. I truly like “me” these days. I am content with the woman God is making me to be and I like her. Most people I meet seem to see a woman who cares deeply. That is what I see reflected back to me as I am in relationships. I have a tender nature and caring nature. So when I see this reflected back, personally I like this woman. My husband tends to portray this image to me as well. I see deep love in his eyes as I am “me”. I like that feeling a ton. I have also learned in life that there will always be people who don’t like the type of person you are. No matter how hard you try to be likable. These days I don’t find myself distraught over not being a liked person. I can’t be anyone but me. The “me” I want the most to be seen is a woman who loves God and tries to walk with God day to day. I am walking away from being a total “people pleaser” and frankly I have found that the “people pleasers” of the world are generally annoying to others. So these days I try to be “me” even if another doesn’t like “me.” I am who I am in the Lord. I continue to reach out in these relationships. I am told often that it is up to me and I can see their point but there comes a time and I don’t know. I’ve done what I know how to do. Some people seem to think that we automatically know how to be a parent, a grandparent, a friend etc. Frankly the longer I live I find that “no I don’t automatically know” how to do these things. God has taught me that He needs to be my all in all. The more I give my life, my relationships to God, the more I am able to have peace inside of myself. God does show me as well and sometimes God allows the hurt to help me to become more of what God wants me to be. If I am able to allow God to be master in my life I am able to let go, move on and do life. Now again I do need medication to be able to process and I don’t think that God is angry with me for taking medication. I believe that God has given me this medication to help me process more and do more and in it all my walk becomes deeper. Some people don’t need medication, some do and that is ok. I will take these relationships to prayer for the rest of my life. That is how important they are to me. Maybe they won’t get my struggle, maybe they will and we will become real good friends. I am at peace with it though. That is a comforting feeling being at peace even though I don’t have what I want. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet