Tuesday, January 29, 2013
January 30, 2013
Greetings My Friend,
I have been on my own all week. Junior’s sergeant from his days in the military has died. The guys have been getting together every few years for 40 years now. They have helped each other cope with being rejected for serving their country, PTSD, the physical struggles that war brought them and the list goes on. I do believe these men and their wives have in a sense become siblings in a way in Junior’s heart.
As I talk to Junior each day I sense his peace at being around these guys. I am able to do my days fairly well frankly. I am a person who likes people around her a lot. I can be on my own and have grown quite comfortable on my own but I prefer to have someone around me. Junior and I may barely see or speak to each other during the day as he does his renovating and I am into my day of writing, cleaning etc. I do like knowing he is around, will stop to sit and chat as he rests etc. I like making him lunch and eating it with him. So even though we are not connected at the hip so to speak, we are near and touching often throughout the day.
I have quickly settled into a routine of getting out each day. One day I shopped for boxes and shelves to re-do the dressers in our hallway. Another day I went to a women’s group and one day I did my volunteer activities. He will be home in a couple of days so I want to get out and buy him a birthday gift since the day he gets home is his birthday. When I come home I tend to work at bringing more order to our home and cleaning. It has been a week filled with enough “out” times and home doing times. I have written several blogs this week as well. I have had a well-rounded week.
I was sad that I could not go with Junior, I’ve never been to California and I would have loved to visit this state. Junior used his frequent flyer miles and it cost him next to nothing to fly out. So I am home on my own and doing life and finding I don’t mind.
I have cheated and allowed one of the dogs to sleep with me at night. When I wake up and feel their warm body next to me I feel safe and loved. Blanko our cat continues to find his spot right near me as well. Yup even though Junior is not here I am not afraid or angry or unhappy.
I know he will come back to me. One of the ladies asked me the other day if I minded Junior going to an older women’s Sunday school class without me. They wondered if I was jealous or anything. I am not. I know way down deep inside of me that I am Junior’s woman. I am the one he will come home to; give his life to so I am not jealous.
Since my accident I have finally put that piece together. My man wants me “in sickness and health, in good times and bad.” Junior through the years has pointed out that he truly needs no one. Due to his growing up craziness he is able to let relationships go so if we didn’t work out, well he’d move on without much struggle. As I watched Junior stay calm for my sake, as he drove me to the doctor’s appointments and what have you I began to sense his deep love for me and I know that I am “his” woman. There is no other woman who can touch him the way I do. That to me is a wonderful feeling.
I also reflect back to when he asked me to marry him. He wanted to know that I was in it for the long haul. That felt good back then and when I reflect back it still feels good. I don’t think I had that attitude the first time around. I wanted it but I’m not sure I had that attitude. We have promised each other that we will stick with each other regardless of how much fun the other person is. In that I have felt safe and willing to deal with Junior’s strange to me ways when I’d rather not. I have learned to pray for our marriage fairly much daily and I believe the more I pray for “us” the more I am able to keep opening my eyes to this man.
That is another lesson that has been precious to me. When I asked God to “open my eyes and heart to Junior” as he was curb side shopping and I saw Junior’s heart I found myself falling deeper in love with him. Junior is a messy person. I am a neat person and frankly it often makes me crazy. The more I pray to open my heart to him, the more I accept his messy ways. I find ways to allow his messy nature out and to have a clean home. We aren’t there quite yet with this house but in MI I found letting him have his own office space allowed him his space to be messy and I could shut the door to that mess when it got too much.
I am looking for a space for Junior to be messy in this house and I am sure we will come up with a space for him to be messy as we continue to put the house together. Until then though I cope, I pray when it gets to me.
We’ve been married 14 years now. We keep growing closer and closer. He truly is my best friend. He is also my lover and my companion. I love that. I am able to let Junior go off for a week with some guys from his past and I also know he is anxious to get back to me. I had to tell him I expected a phone call or two a day and he has been faithful to touch me each day. Sometimes I have to tell Junior what I want and he is willing to give it to me. That too is precious.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 25, 2013
January 26, 2012
Greetings My Friend,
I had a Christian radio program on the radio as I drove around town. Today a Preacher was teaching on the Lord’s Prayer. It is about as familiar to me as my morning coffee. I have heard this prayer since I was a young child and have said it often in my life. I am always amazed that something that is so familiar can still have a great lesson. I also am amazed that when life is too hard to deal with I will often pray this prayer repeating it until my mind settles and I then can begin to pray in my own words.
I was reminded yet again that we are on a day to day journey with the Lord. We are learning and growing each and every day. Some days we see a great movement in our faith and other days it is a mundane process.
The teaching was focused on praising God. I again learned how important it is to praise God. In learning to be thankful and praising God I find myself being able to live in the now instead of the past or a dream of the future that never will actually happen. I find the more I tell God with a genuine heart how great He is I find that He stays right at the center of my life. For me I’d like to worry each detail of life until it is a soggy mess. I’d like to fret and fear and be dramatic and all of a sudden I am worn out and fearful. So praising God helps me stay focused on God that life is under control, God’s control and God will be there every step of the way so I need to just run with it.
At about this point I often reflect on the Scripture verse that says “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Part of my thought process at this point is a backward look at those moments when I have seen God work in my life in the past. I tend to do this in my daily prayers. For me a daily reminder helps me to realize that God’s promise “I will never leave you or forsake you” is true. I am able to stay strong when I’d rather quit. I am able to move forward easier.
I also find that a daily reading of the Word helps me stay in tune to God’s ways and not the desires of what I want God to be. My prayers begin to line up with whom and what God is more than who and what I am. I am not a proponent of “Name it and claim it” theology.
In reading God’s Word I find I begin to align my life differently. My goal in life is to love God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength. As I learn this I begin to see changes in me in the way I feel and deal with life. I am not about “me” as much as I am about trying to be about God and His ways. I find that when I am not focused on God daily then I begin to be self-absorbed and every detail in life is a huge struggle.
Many days the old hurts try to flare up. I have not been able to completely let go of the past hurts so I often dwell for a bit anyway on that hurt. Sometimes I hear God say “Janet, I’m here or Janet, I’ve got this or even the time God showed me how “He” was using his friendliness toward me as a way for “Him to get people to feel sorry for him.” In this I find that my past focus is not as long or even as painful. I think on them and then soon I am onto other more pleasant thoughts.
I believe because I have a daily focus time for God I am able to stay more in my faith journey than not. I also find that again I am on a journey so there are moments where the road is easy and moments when the road is hard. The hard moments tend to be when I take my eyes off the “Cross” so to speak. Many years ago when we were first married Junior constructed a large wooden cross for me. We hung it up in our basement and Junior put a small shelf next to it. On the shelf were placed a box of nails and a hammer. When I had a struggle I found myself writing out the struggle and then nailing it to the cross. For me the more I did this the more I was able to give God my problem and when I began helping God, God reminded me that it was nailed to the Cross and I gave it to Him and I needed to let it go.
Last week in Sunday school I finally was able to “get it.” Jesus said “Go forth and make disciples of all nations” as he ascended into heaven. I believe that my faith is not to be a private walk but a public walk as much as possible. I had thought being public meant saying “God or Jesus” all day long. Nope, it is also important to walk the walk and talk the talk. I am to be a Christian wife to Junior. I am to be a Christian woman when I am in public and at home. That means I don’t need to be a gossip, say hurtful things, get into pornography and the like. I need to love my family. So my daily goal is to read the Bible, to pray and talk to God and in that I find I am more content.
When I was a mother of young children I often heard “Children live what they see.” That is also true of my faith journey. If my children see me cussing, cheating and telling them that they should be honest and not swear well guess what? They more than likely will do what they see you doing not what you are telling them. Same goes for our faith journey.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
January 23, 2012
Greetings My Friend,
I am sad beyond words today. Even though I am on Prozac I still struggle through moments. I now can move out of the sadness quicker and I am learning to accept myself for who I am. I can’t go back and change what happened in the past and it won’t do any good so I am learning to accept that what happened in the past happened and today I am trying to live life with Jesus as my Savior. When I can do that I tend to find peace and contentment.
My kids grew up with a lot of fighting. It was hard to hear us screaming at each other. It was hard watching us strike each other. Many times I would get to a point of “I don’t care” and come out swinging even though I knew I was going to lose.
My growing up home was much the same way so for me I did not know that people could live in harmony. I did not learn that till I met Junior in my 40’s. I had a Dad who pounded on us kids, a Mom who seemed indifferent and I married a man who pounded on me and my son. Why would I know there was a different way to live?
As I entered into counseling time and time again my family made fun of me. They thought I was a weakling and that counseling was stupid. I read every parenting article I could find. As the years went by I found myself not resorting to aggression as often and I was learning how to be angry without punching who ever walked by me. I got tired of being punched and I strived to not throw punches. Some days were better than others but in the long run I no longer have a need to thrust my fist at people. I don’t boil up with anger over every grievance.
I do deal with deep despair and hurt and I try as hard as I can to accept myself for the person God is creating me to be. I can’t undo what happened in the past. The Prozac helps me move out of the despair and back into day to day life quicker. I still feel extremely sad. I am angry at that man for creating the havoc he created. I don’t hate him. I am angry though.
So I am in a conversation yet again and I hear about the fact I stayed. I stayed 24 years. The good thing in that I believe is that I am not a quitter. I also felt if I left that I’d more than likely enter into the same relationship over and over. At some point I thought that their Dad may be rough but at least it was only their Dad and not a bunch of men being mean to me and to them.
We moved to VA 4 years ago. I love it out here. In the 4 years I have not had to deal with “Him.” I no longer need to find a way to not celebrate Christmas with him at my Son’s house. I no longer have to deal with “Him” being overly friendly when we are at family gatherings. He was trying to show everyone that I was the problem. That’s okay if that is what he wants everyone to believe, just leave me alone. When I see him, I don’t see the funny guy most people see. I see anger spewing out of him. I can’t let that image go. I try to but it won’t go away. So if he wants everyone to believe I was the whole problem, well go right ahead. Leave me alone. That is all I want. I want to be married to Junior. I want to enjoy life without fear and Junior gives me that.
For me, I have taken my struggle to God. God has held me ever so tenderly and then God has shown me how to go on and live and enjoy each day. Some days are better than other days but I am enjoying my life without all the chaos of the first 40 years of my life. I can be in a relationship with a man and not fear. I like that feeling a ton. I feel wanted and precious. That hurts too. I often hear “I did not feel I was wanted.” I don’t care how many times I say “I wanted you.” He does not seem to hear me.
I am grateful for the years of counseling. I am grateful that I have entered into a serious faith walk with the Lord. In this I find I can accept what happened, what I did. I don’t like it but I accept that was what happened. I continue to grow in the Lord and learn Agape love. I find wholeness in that. In that I find that I don’t have to be the “yes” person of yesteryear. I thought being a “yes” person was what people wanted and loved. Nope, they don’t. In Agape love though the “no’s” are given with love, a genuine desire to seek a person’s highest good.
I am who I am in the Lord. That’s all I can be. What happened in the past, well I can’t change that. I’m sad it happened but I can’t take it away. My goal is to keep learning and growing in the Lord. I have learned not to resort to using my fist whenever life throws me a curve ball. I have learned to tame my mouth and not insult people when I am hurt. I have learned that not everyone is going to like me and you know what “that is ok.” It is not a reflection of who I am. Again I am grateful for years and years of counseling and for God’s patience as He grows me into the person He wants me to be.
When I give God my struggle, I can face each and every day. God does not bring up my past. He takes me and moves me forward. Yup I find peace even though there are those awful moments in life.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 18, 2013
January 19, 2012
Greetings My Friend,
Junior will be leaving for California in a couple of days. I am in a new to me state, in a new to me neighborhood and I will be on my own for a week. I want to go with him but money doesn’t seem to be there for the two of us and he is going to a funeral so I will be my own woman for a week.
I find that I miss him already but I am also looking forward to filling my days without Junior being around. I do love to have someone around me. B may be coming out and that would be nice. Right now though I don’t know if she will or not so I plan on doing the days on my own. I am good with being alone though.
My health continues to get better. I can’t do the amount of work I once did and I’m okay with that these days. I have been struggling with an ear infection and my energy level has stunk most of the week so I have watched DIY and sat a lot. Today though I am feeling like I might tackle a few projects and even taking a walk to the end of the road and back.
Junior’s back is not getting any better. He went to the VA and they gave him another type of pain medication and we hope he will be back to working up a storm soon. I’ve started thinking that this may be the start of his doing less time in life and at first I was scared. How am I going to handle this man who is bigger and heavier than I am? That is a consistent worry I think on. Right after that thought pops into my head I think that God won’t give us anything we can’t handle and somehow God will make sure I can help this man I love. I tend to settle down in my worrying and take it a day at a time.
I am no stranger to handicaps. To me Junior is about as whole as they come with a couple of struggles in his life. He is gentle with me. He is not angry because he can’t be what he once was. I remember watching him one morning as he put on his wool sock, then the foam insert and then the prosthesis and I wondered if he ever got tired of doing it or wondered what it would be like to not have to do that. His answer surprised me. He said he’s done it so long that he doesn’t know any other way. I felt he truly hasn’t spent the last 40 years wishing he was different and whole. He has taken what he was given and lived with it. When I watch Junior deal with his struggles in this way, I learn to handle what struggles I have.
As a woman I tend to talk about my struggles. I deal with them by talking about them. I am not looking for sympathy I am trying to learn to deal with my struggle and I need to talk until I get it in my head. Junior often thinks I am looking for sympathy. Nope I am not.
As I have dealt with neck pain due to arthritis I have talked. I tend to start to see when I started feeling the pain, what was I doing when it came on and then the next time I have an idea and begin to handle the discomfort sooner. The talking helps me see and then it helps me to change my routines so that the next time I won’t have it as deep.
I’ve done that with my hypoglycemia as well. I have learned to eat every 4 hours or so and frankly I rarely have headaches and vomit these days. I stick to eating small amounts of food, eating frequently and now I don’t tend to talk about my struggle anymore. The eating small meals frequently also helps me with the hiatal hernia I have which is nice. These days I vomit a whole lot less than I was at one point and frankly that feels wonderful to me.
I don’t have a need to bring up my struggles anymore because I am able to handle them. I do let Junior know if my stomach is upset or neck is hurting more for his information than for sympathy. To me that way he understands if I don’t enter into something or if I bark at him over something small.
In my other life I had a tendency to not mention my struggles. A counselor told me to start mentioning them so that the people in my life would know what was going on. Unfortunately telling did little good because I was often teased even more so. I guess I have gotten in the habit of over mentioning my struggles. More than likely I’m trying real hard to be left alone and to let the other person know and I’m never sure if I’m being listened to so I keep bringing it up. Bad habit at this point but I am working on it and I often hear Junior tell me now that I am not mentioning my struggles like I once was.
Prozac has been so helpful to me. I find that I still struggle with the hurts of life but I don’t stay in the pain as long and I am able to move past the pain. I still deal with moments of great fear and I know that this person can no longer hurt me but the fear still comes. At this point though I am able to see the fear, to accept it and to let it go.
My friend told me that just because we are on medication for anxiety that we will still feel the anxiety but we will be able to deal with it and move on. She is so right. I still go over in my mind what went on in my life with the abusers who abused me. These days though I don’t dwell on it and I move into other things quickly….yup that feels good.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
January 16, 2013
Greetings My Friend,
It is 5:00 in the morning as I write. My sleep does not seem to settle into a routine. About the time I think I have a routine a new one begins to take shape. At first it frustrated me. Now I roll with it. I seem to wake up hungry so I eat breakfast and do my morning computer stuff until I am tired and then I go back to bed and sleep the rest of the night. It works. It is what it is.
I’ve truly learned “it is what it is” and I tend to run with it these days. I wanted to retire because I was tired so much and wanted to be able to sleep when I needed to and frankly that is what I’ve been doing. It is nice I had that option.
The night time up and down does not scare me anymore. That feels wonderful. I now feel like a grown up girl. The days of fearing I’d be hurt are long gone and I sit in the quiet house enjoying DIY programs, writing, whatever.
When I go back to bed I sleep the rest of the night’s sleep out and I wake up refreshed and ready to face the day. I then finish my morning routine, pray etc. and then tackle some housework or we run errands. It works and I love that our home is looking more picked up these days.
I made chicken and dumplings yesterday. That felt good as well. I have not been cooking and now I enter back into being a cook again. Today will be a run day when I get up. We will go to the Chiropractor and over to the funeral home. It will be busy enough and that feels nice as well.
I go for days at a time not getting dressed. I stay in my pajama’s all day and I don’t mind anymore. When my kids were young I did not like that feeling of not getting dressed. These days I am fine with that. I have finally trained myself to floss my teeth at night before bed. For some reason the act of flossing can set my stomach off and I’ve been trying to do it later in the day. With it being at bedtime I think this will work and I won’t miss like I often did.
I still vomit but not like I was after the accident. Thank goodness. I may even go a couple of weeks without vomiting and frankly I’m very happy about that. My hiatal hernia plays havoc with my need to vomit.
Junior is still asleep which is surprising to me. He is generally up at this time frame. He did start a class yesterday and my guess is it wore him out. Not all bad. He has wanted to take some sort of college class for a while now and yesterday he began his classes. For me, I am not ready to tackle classes as of yet anyway.
Now that I have a housework routine in place I’d like to get exercise into place. With the cold weather I have found going for walks to be not so appealing. I have yet to get on the ellipse for any amount of time. I long for the walks down the road. For some reason they are soothing to me. I love to look at the trees, the mountains, the dogs running along with me and life tends to settle quietly in my mind as I walk.
It will be warm enough soon enough to be outside again. I am anxiously looking forward to my walks again. I am much more content in the warm weather than I am in the cold weather. Out here in VA though the weather is much more tolerable and I still prefer to walk when it is not so cold and even icy at times.
It did warm up this past week and I did take a walk up the steep hill and back and I noticed how out of breath I was. That bothered me and hopefully soon I will be back to walking again. As life continues to settle my guess is I will keep up with my exercise routines better.
We are thinking about finding a dentist out here finally. We tended to go back to MI so we could see our friends and family. The last couple of visits we haven’t been able to connect with our family like we would have liked to and we think we may go back once or twice a year now. We were going 3 times because Junior has gum disease and the dentist wants to see him more often.
Again I am feeling settled. It feels wonderful to me. I like the idea of each day doing a housework type routine. I love my morning quiet time with writing and praying and reading the Bible. We still run one or two days during the week and that feels nice.
I love looking at a picked up house more as well. I love the TV area being off to the side of the front room with a partial wall up. When people come in they won’t see the TV area mess and I like that a lot. Junior is slowly working on the kitchen and dining room. So that should be taking shape soon and this girl is one happy camper.
Mary Jane is pregnant. She is the cat that invited herself into our home with her young one. The two have rounded out our cat population to 5 cats. Our dogs have thinned out. My fear is they’ve met a coyote. They seem to realize that going potty in the house means they stay outside at night these days and we have fewer potty messes now. Finally! We are down to 4 dogs. I still can’t believe we have so many pets. I have never in my life lived with more than two pets at a time. I always felt having two pets kept the animals company while we worked all day. Still these babies are such a comfort. Phineas loves to sit in my lap and get petted on. Petey likes being playful and will try to pounce on my fingers underneath a blanket. Each has his own personality and we love them all.
Yup life is good. Retirement gives me the chance to slow down my pace and do life at a pace I can handle. I love being around Junior all day most days. We don’t have to constantly be talking or interacting. I love knowing he is not far. It feels real nice.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 11, 2013
January 12, 2013
Greetings My Friend,
I scared myself last night. As I was falling asleep I thought that I’d like to make some chili or even some beef stew. When these types of thoughts hit me these days I know that in short order that piece of my life will be back again. Since our trip to MI last fall I have not cooked much of anything. Junior cooks on occasion and frankly I’ve gotten in the habit of buying lunch out and eating a light dinner. Being a cook once more appeals to me.
I am learning to accept these crazy changes within me. I don’t like them but I accept them. I find the more patient I am with myself the more I begin to come back to keeping house like the way I like and the more I cook. The two moves in two years and retirement really threw me for a loop. Now that the house is not so much tools, ladders and boards and looks like a home I am finding myself not so confused about how to cope with the mess. I am not a person who operates in disorder and frankly renovating feels like disorder to me. Now that order is coming to my life again I feel like I am coming back to life.
I have also been in VA long enough now that I am also finding things to do with other women and the like which helps me. I continue to be amazed at my church family and how they have welcomed me into their community. I think it would be hard to not be involved with a church community. I find so much support from my women’s Sunday school class and I have branched out from there. The women have come beside me as I have struggled emotionally as well.
That has been one of the hard things about moving. I have needed a support network and now I have that in place I feel whole again. I like being around other women. I need their input and their friendship. Some even allow me to help them in their day to day life.
My energy level still stinks but I also am learning how to work with it and that too feels nice. My staying awake till very late into the night is settling into a routine and again that feels nice. I’d rather go to bed earlier but I accept being up. For the first time in my life I am not afraid of night time. I have started doing a little housework in the evenings while I am up. I am actually splitting up housework and doing a little throughout the day and night. It works, the house stays neat like I like.
This morning Junior put in an electrical socket by the chair in the entryway. I can plug into my computer as I sit in my chair and the internet. That is nice. I love my new spot. The entryway tends to be where I sit during the day being on the computer, writing my blog, reading the Bible and praying and talking on the phone. At night I go into the TV area. This divides my day up and I like that feeling.
A few years ago I read an article about having different areas within your home to write. I have begun that process and enjoy it a bunch. When I am in the entryway I tend to have a more business mindset going and when I am in the TV area I tend to feel like I’ve gotten home from work.
Down the road I am sure I will have an area to work on the enclosed porch. I’d like a small table out there to sit at and eat or drink coffee. I like looking out into the property and the woods and watching the wildlife. I find that my mind settles down when I am anxious or I can begin to sort through things when I need to. For me it is calming.
By doing the different areas I find staying home so much easier these days. Instead of running around all the time I can now change my view. Of course when the weather is nice I am out walking and enjoying the beautiful scenery. The walks also help settle my thoughts and help with the osteoporosis.
This woman who used to have to be on the run all the time is now content being at home. Poor Junior when he was dating a few women told him he was boring. I told him when I met him I was looking for boring. I was tired of drama and living a roller coaster life. Junior has taught me how to be content being at home doing not much of anything and frankly I love it. I tell Junior often that I appreciate our boring life.
Being a late night woman is also strange but I am getting used to that as well. Again my night fears are gone now. It took me till now to finally learn that things aren’t lurking out my door to harm me.
That is another thing. For most of my life I thought by the time I got to my older years I would finally have life fully figured out. I find that not to be the case. These days a lot of life is learning how to cope with a body that is not what it once was. I am still figuring out family relationships. That said though I am more content with life. I believe it is my faith journey that sustains me these days. I have upsets still but I no longer feel alone. I am amazed when I get to the other side of a struggle now. I am amazed I was able to do things I did not think I could handle. God guides me. God comforts me and I continue to seek Him at this point in all areas of my life. Yup life is sweet.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
January 9, 2013
Greetings My Friend,
As I write it is the end of October and the temps are still hitting 70 during the day and 50 at night overall. I continue to fall in love with my new home state. This weather does not chill me to the bone like a Michigan winter does and for that I am grateful.
I am now able to walk to the end of the road a few days during the week. That feels awesome. The nice weather adds to the beauty and the dogs tagging along on my walk always manages to make me giggle. There is a house of little tiny dogs that need to come out in full force and bark…. The simple life is so appealing to me these days.
Today has been an at home day. Today I am moving in spurts. I journal a little, go for a walk, journal a bit more, stick the sheets in the dryer, journal again, make the bed, look on line a bit make bread, just the kind where you blend the ingredients from a mix together and soon I will bake the bread.
I have wanted to work part time and so far nothing seems to fit right so I have yet to start that task. Today I was talking to P and the church could use some help with a data base and cleaning up the roles. I can do this from home….right up my alley. I slept till 10:00 this morning. We ran to Norton yesterday to take Junior to the ER. He got the pain medication he needs and then we headed to the drugstore and I find that the next day on days like that I tend to need more sleep. With a project I can work on at home at my own pace….that is up my alley.
I tend to enjoy being involved in things and frankly since I retired I find I don’t have the energy I once did. I found B and we have done things, I’ve taken her to her treatments. Now that B has been done for almost a year I am up to more things and I realize I need to move slowly.
I went with B a couple of days ago and her mammogram did not look right so she is having more stuff done and that feeling of “Oh No” over comes us. I felt that for a few years after I had breast cancer. Once I hit the 5 year mark I found I’m not as worried as I was in the beginning. I must admit though when it is that time each year for my mammogram I tend to hold my breath for a bit till it is over with.
It has been two weeks since returning from Michigan and frankly I am starting to feel human again. Today I have walked dusted, made bread, washed the sheets and put them on the bed and at present I am writing. Again I am moving way slower than I have in the past and today I feel like I am going great guns. I love this feeling.
Fridays I tend to help fold the bulletins at church which is a joy. I get to be out and with other women and I love it. I am on my own so to speak. It feels good to be able to help and to get out and about with other women.
I find myself so excited that I can add one more thing to my week, helping put a data base in order. I can do it at a pace that feels right for me and I won’t be letting people down with my need to sleep late or whatever. I love I will have something to accomplish and be able to help. This girl is about as excited as she can get.
Junior has been moving very slowly these days since we returned from Michigan. His back hurts him a lot. He is to the point he needs some sort of pain reliever to help him through this struggle. He resorts to pain relievers only rarely. When he does he is in major pain.
I realized that there will be a day that Junior will not be able to move about as well as he does now. I have known it and I haven’t paid a lot of attention at the same time. This round has shown me that indeed he will have a day he can’t be what he is now. That is ok. I don’t like it but that was part of the package when I married him. He is a marvel and has been able to do a whole lot. His strength always encourages me. I’m not the strong person he is but he is an inspiration to me.
Junior is now 66 years old and most people think he is in his 50’s. Both Junior and I appear a lot younger than we really are so that can be deceiving at times. We also want to do what we’ve always done and frankly we can’t be that “old” person.
That said I find that as my health is settling down I am finding my niche in life and enjoying what I can when I can. I can’t go three or four days a week and work all day like I once did. I must say I am ever grateful that I am able to be home and move at the pace my body will let me and as I accept myself for where I am I find life continues to be sweet overall.
The lust full and romantic days of years gone by are gone. We enjoy being each other’s best friend. We enjoy hanging out together and on occasion going in a different direction only to come together to tell about our adventure to be real nice.
Some nights Junior needs to sleep in the recliner, he hurts that bad. I miss him and I understand and wait for the day he will return to night time close to me. Until then we have the cats to snuggle up with. The dogs don’t get in bed but will curl up in Junior’s lap as he sleeps in his chair and for some reason those precious rug rats feel real nice.
Oh…..time to put the bread in the oven…..
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 4, 2013
January 5, 2012
Greeting My Friend,
We are headed back to VA after a couple of weeks in the Redford house in MI. It has been hard work for us. Neither one of us can do what we once did as quickly. Junior spent a day or so falling asleep because he over did himself.
I too had my struggles doing simple tasks. For me though I’ve done more than I have done in recent years. Still I found myself painting a doorway and feeling exhausted. I finally asked Junior to finish the doorway up I was half done with it. Still I was able to do some painting, some cleaning counter tops and putting things outside the truck to take back. That is my job. I line up the stuff either inside or by the car and let Junior pack. He likes that job and I like getting things ready. It works.
Our leave time was rather late in the afternoon. It is a 10 hour drive. More than likely we will drive for several hours and spend the night and finish our journey tomorrow. We got a lot done in the house. The house has been rented for a higher price. The last 3 years we kicked in $50 each month which paid the property management fee. It worked. At this point the rent will cover the whole house payment and the property management fee. We may even realize a small profit.
We hope that when this renter leaves and they do sign a year’s lease that we can sell the house and at least break even. For the last few years we have been upside down where we owe more than the house is worth…..breaking even would be nice.
God has provided a stable renter and we’ve had the house payment made for the most part. More prayers have gone up asking that this renter will be timely and make her payments. That is why I am so happy to let a company interview the renters, collect the rent and assist them if needed.
Leaving has been a huge chore this time. We had borrowed some things from an old neighbor. When we returned them he noticed the tires were low and started filling them with air. Junior needed to put oil in the engine and he swapped out mirrors so he could see well while he drove.
It was a good 5:00 before we left. Then we stopped at McDonald’s for dinner and Home Depot to return some things we bought and then did not use. It was 6:00 before we were headed home. Our drive is a good 10 hour drive back to VA. More than likely we will travel several hours and then rent a room for the night finishing our journey tomorrow.
I have found that I am missing our VA home a lot. I miss wandering around each room. I miss the pets. I miss the views a ton. I do believe that in my heart I have made this home a home in my heart. As we stayed at the Redford house I found it felt very familiar but my heart longed to be in VA. I have fully made the transition in my heart. It feels wonderful.
The Redford house was where for the most part Junior and I started life together. The house worked when we were both working and it was close to the church we went to. Then we moved to VA and a new phase of our life has begun.
It has been wonderful and we have had moments where I wondered about this move. Overall though we love what we have been given. We feel God has led us and directed us and the contentment level is astonishing to me.
We are 10 hours away from our family which can be hard. Still we can visit as we travel back to MI. We tend to go back to the dentist in MI 3 times a year which means we are there at least 3 times. At first I was not so sure about moving so far away. We felt God told us to move and we did. Frankly I am amazed at how content I feel out in VA.
I love the mountains, the forests and my walks. Our drives are always beautiful wherever we go. I feel a great sense of peace and contentment now. It is where I need to be. If someone would have told me that I was going to be content living in the country I would not have believed them. I am as content as I have ever been. It is a marvelous feeling to tell you the truth.
As I grapple with health issues, family issues and getting older I find the mountains to be a soothing balm for me. I am able to not be over focused on my struggles and I love soaking up the mountains and trees and the people themselves.
Life is slower out here and the rush found in suburban living is not as crazy. People in the mountains tend to be more accepting of behavior that is not the norm as well. That feels nice. As I have slowed down my ADD ways have come out big time. When I was younger my ADD ways were not as noticeable because I could be over involved and I was stretched enough to not realize I was ADD. The ones in my life at the time that were ADD were way more ADD than I and I did not realize I was ADD.
My body has slowed way down and I find that my mind is going faster than my body can these days which can be a huge struggle for me. I even have a supplement that will help me focus better. I went off of it for a few days and Junior asked me to get back on it. We did not realize how much it was helping me.
So we head home after another visit. Being in our old house has told me that the house was perfect when we were working. Now though the new home makes more sense. The weather in VA is a tad bit warmer maybe 5-10 degrees. Winters have been a huge struggle for me through the years and here in VA the average winter temperature is 40 degrees. Summers generally aren’t that hot. We are 10 hours from the ocean so the humidity isn’t bad. As I find myself contemplating our new state and home I know deep inside of me we are where we need to be. It feels that good.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
January 2, 2013
Greetings My Friend,
It is another year! It seems strange to be here already but time seems to fly the older I get.
My thoughts tend to start thinking about what I’d like to do in the New Year. I have quit writing resolutions and my goal is to start seeking God’s direction for the New Year. To me that is the best way to do life these days.
When I retired my health took a nose dive and for the first time in several years I am seeing an answer to some of my health issues. As I find answers I find myself wanting to do more. That is encouraging to me.
Our home is coming along very nicely and now that ladders, tools and boards aren’t part of the everyday I find myself being more involved in the day to day operations of life. I sit in my comfy chair in the entry way during the day and look around at this place often. I continue to fall in love with our new home, our new state and I am grateful each day for what we have been given.
Our minister is talking about a short term mission trip and I want to go. I don’t think I will since I am not what I once was. The office secretary at church has opened up again and I desire to give it a whirl only I am not sure I have the “get up and go” to do the job even though it is only 6 to 9 hours each week. Many mornings still find me in a flux so I don’t want to commit to something I can’t be reliable on.
Writing always plays at the back of my mind. I started Dad’s polio story and have stalled out on that. I have been toying with the prayer I’ve been saying for my marriage and seeing if I could write a book on it. So far it is in the thinking stage.
I am walking outside or on the ellipse most days now. I love the dogs trailing along as I walk and have many chuckles as they stride along with us. I am contemplating some other forms of exercise to add to my walking and have yet to come up with what it will be. I have always done some form of exercise through the years and adding more won’t hurt me since I have osteoporosis. I am not fond of broken bones. I have had a few in my lifetime so I am trying to hedge against a few more through the rest of my years.
I found a bread maker at a thrift store and I’d like to give bread making a try. I always think back to my childhood when Dad made bread. He would take the bread dough and fry it in a fryer and when it was done he would put some sugar on it. I haven’t had it since I was at home as a child and I may try this out someday.
We have been in this home for two years now and I am finally feeling settled. I love that settled feeling and frankly I no longer dream of the “next house” like I did at one time in my life. I love this place so much. I love living with Junior a ton. I marvel at living with someone and not being afraid, having fun more than arguing and enjoying life. We enjoy each other’s humor and that feels nice. I love not being put down all the time. My guy is a marvel to me.
I am thinking about volunteering at the thrift store again and have not as of yet gave it a try. I’m afraid to for some reason. I want to be able to commit to something and see it through for a long time. I am volunteering at the church on Fridays folding the bulletins for Sunday services and straightening the pews. I love doing that. I love the time to connect with other women and to get out on my own some.
It feels so wonderful to finally start looking to what I want to give my time to. I’d like to get involved in a lot of things and I know better these days so I will start off slowly. I realize that my energy level may never be what it once was so I am cautious these days in over committing myself.
I find myself starting to think about praying and seeking what I need to do and where I need to be. I am learning that if I ask God and get His direction I tend to do better than just volunteering for whatever comes my way. I was so discouraged when God indicated that I needed to quit the thrift store. As time went on though I could see why I had so little energy, I wound up in the hospital a couple of times and at that point I began to see the need to pull back for a while at least.
I am reading more these days. My reading went down the tubes for a while and now my concentration is starting to come back. I am hoping to start doing my crafts again as well. So I have a lot of ideas and it is the not overdoing that I strive for these days. Again I want to ask God and seek His guidance. In that I won’t over extend myself.
Through the years I have learned that when you do too much you won’t be able to be very good and you are wore out and again no good to those you want to help. These days I’d rather do less than not be able to give quality time and effort. I am learning that lesson yet again. Don’t over extend myself, I love being active but these days doing too much comes at a high price.
Have you thought about giving time to others? It could be reading to sick people, helping children learn, volunteering at church. When we give of our time it seems to heal us as much as it helps another.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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