January 23, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am sad beyond words today. Even though I am on Prozac I still struggle through moments. I now can move out of the sadness quicker and I am learning to accept myself for who I am. I can’t go back and change what happened in the past and it won’t do any good so I am learning to accept that what happened in the past happened and today I am trying to live life with Jesus as my Savior. When I can do that I tend to find peace and contentment. My kids grew up with a lot of fighting. It was hard to hear us screaming at each other. It was hard watching us strike each other. Many times I would get to a point of “I don’t care” and come out swinging even though I knew I was going to lose. My growing up home was much the same way so for me I did not know that people could live in harmony. I did not learn that till I met Junior in my 40’s. I had a Dad who pounded on us kids, a Mom who seemed indifferent and I married a man who pounded on me and my son. Why would I know there was a different way to live? As I entered into counseling time and time again my family made fun of me. They thought I was a weakling and that counseling was stupid. I read every parenting article I could find. As the years went by I found myself not resorting to aggression as often and I was learning how to be angry without punching who ever walked by me. I got tired of being punched and I strived to not throw punches. Some days were better than others but in the long run I no longer have a need to thrust my fist at people. I don’t boil up with anger over every grievance. I do deal with deep despair and hurt and I try as hard as I can to accept myself for the person God is creating me to be. I can’t undo what happened in the past. The Prozac helps me move out of the despair and back into day to day life quicker. I still feel extremely sad. I am angry at that man for creating the havoc he created. I don’t hate him. I am angry though. So I am in a conversation yet again and I hear about the fact I stayed. I stayed 24 years. The good thing in that I believe is that I am not a quitter. I also felt if I left that I’d more than likely enter into the same relationship over and over. At some point I thought that their Dad may be rough but at least it was only their Dad and not a bunch of men being mean to me and to them. We moved to VA 4 years ago. I love it out here. In the 4 years I have not had to deal with “Him.” I no longer need to find a way to not celebrate Christmas with him at my Son’s house. I no longer have to deal with “Him” being overly friendly when we are at family gatherings. He was trying to show everyone that I was the problem. That’s okay if that is what he wants everyone to believe, just leave me alone. When I see him, I don’t see the funny guy most people see. I see anger spewing out of him. I can’t let that image go. I try to but it won’t go away. So if he wants everyone to believe I was the whole problem, well go right ahead. Leave me alone. That is all I want. I want to be married to Junior. I want to enjoy life without fear and Junior gives me that. For me, I have taken my struggle to God. God has held me ever so tenderly and then God has shown me how to go on and live and enjoy each day. Some days are better than other days but I am enjoying my life without all the chaos of the first 40 years of my life. I can be in a relationship with a man and not fear. I like that feeling a ton. I feel wanted and precious. That hurts too. I often hear “I did not feel I was wanted.” I don’t care how many times I say “I wanted you.” He does not seem to hear me. I am grateful for the years of counseling. I am grateful that I have entered into a serious faith walk with the Lord. In this I find I can accept what happened, what I did. I don’t like it but I accept that was what happened. I continue to grow in the Lord and learn Agape love. I find wholeness in that. In that I find that I don’t have to be the “yes” person of yesteryear. I thought being a “yes” person was what people wanted and loved. Nope, they don’t. In Agape love though the “no’s” are given with love, a genuine desire to seek a person’s highest good. I am who I am in the Lord. That’s all I can be. What happened in the past, well I can’t change that. I’m sad it happened but I can’t take it away. My goal is to keep learning and growing in the Lord. I have learned not to resort to using my fist whenever life throws me a curve ball. I have learned to tame my mouth and not insult people when I am hurt. I have learned that not everyone is going to like me and you know what “that is ok.” It is not a reflection of who I am. Again I am grateful for years and years of counseling and for God’s patience as He grows me into the person He wants me to be. When I give God my struggle, I can face each and every day. God does not bring up my past. He takes me and moves me forward. Yup I find peace even though there are those awful moments in life. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you. Love Janet