January 30, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I have been on my own all week. Junior’s sergeant from his days in the military has died. The guys have been getting together every few years for 40 years now. They have helped each other cope with being rejected for serving their country, PTSD, the physical struggles that war brought them and the list goes on. I do believe these men and their wives have in a sense become siblings in a way in Junior’s heart. As I talk to Junior each day I sense his peace at being around these guys. I am able to do my days fairly well frankly. I am a person who likes people around her a lot. I can be on my own and have grown quite comfortable on my own but I prefer to have someone around me. Junior and I may barely see or speak to each other during the day as he does his renovating and I am into my day of writing, cleaning etc. I do like knowing he is around, will stop to sit and chat as he rests etc. I like making him lunch and eating it with him. So even though we are not connected at the hip so to speak, we are near and touching often throughout the day. I have quickly settled into a routine of getting out each day. One day I shopped for boxes and shelves to re-do the dressers in our hallway. Another day I went to a women’s group and one day I did my volunteer activities. He will be home in a couple of days so I want to get out and buy him a birthday gift since the day he gets home is his birthday. When I come home I tend to work at bringing more order to our home and cleaning. It has been a week filled with enough “out” times and home doing times. I have written several blogs this week as well. I have had a well-rounded week. I was sad that I could not go with Junior, I’ve never been to California and I would have loved to visit this state. Junior used his frequent flyer miles and it cost him next to nothing to fly out. So I am home on my own and doing life and finding I don’t mind. I have cheated and allowed one of the dogs to sleep with me at night. When I wake up and feel their warm body next to me I feel safe and loved. Blanko our cat continues to find his spot right near me as well. Yup even though Junior is not here I am not afraid or angry or unhappy. I know he will come back to me. One of the ladies asked me the other day if I minded Junior going to an older women’s Sunday school class without me. They wondered if I was jealous or anything. I am not. I know way down deep inside of me that I am Junior’s woman. I am the one he will come home to; give his life to so I am not jealous. Since my accident I have finally put that piece together. My man wants me “in sickness and health, in good times and bad.” Junior through the years has pointed out that he truly needs no one. Due to his growing up craziness he is able to let relationships go so if we didn’t work out, well he’d move on without much struggle. As I watched Junior stay calm for my sake, as he drove me to the doctor’s appointments and what have you I began to sense his deep love for me and I know that I am “his” woman. There is no other woman who can touch him the way I do. That to me is a wonderful feeling. I also reflect back to when he asked me to marry him. He wanted to know that I was in it for the long haul. That felt good back then and when I reflect back it still feels good. I don’t think I had that attitude the first time around. I wanted it but I’m not sure I had that attitude. We have promised each other that we will stick with each other regardless of how much fun the other person is. In that I have felt safe and willing to deal with Junior’s strange to me ways when I’d rather not. I have learned to pray for our marriage fairly much daily and I believe the more I pray for “us” the more I am able to keep opening my eyes to this man. That is another lesson that has been precious to me. When I asked God to “open my eyes and heart to Junior” as he was curb side shopping and I saw Junior’s heart I found myself falling deeper in love with him. Junior is a messy person. I am a neat person and frankly it often makes me crazy. The more I pray to open my heart to him, the more I accept his messy ways. I find ways to allow his messy nature out and to have a clean home. We aren’t there quite yet with this house but in MI I found letting him have his own office space allowed him his space to be messy and I could shut the door to that mess when it got too much. I am looking for a space for Junior to be messy in this house and I am sure we will come up with a space for him to be messy as we continue to put the house together. Until then though I cope, I pray when it gets to me. We’ve been married 14 years now. We keep growing closer and closer. He truly is my best friend. He is also my lover and my companion. I love that. I am able to let Junior go off for a week with some guys from his past and I also know he is anxious to get back to me. I had to tell him I expected a phone call or two a day and he has been faithful to touch me each day. Sometimes I have to tell Junior what I want and he is willing to give it to me. That too is precious. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet