November 26, 2011 Greetings My Friend, Thanksgiving is upon us again. That time of year for a moment we stop and find ourselves thinking on what we have, what we have been given. The prayer format I use to pray through has thankfulness as part of the prayer. Being thankful is a huge blessing when I stop and look at what I do have and not focus on what I don’t. I find when I see what I do have I find myself even more grateful. For a long time in my life I had what I call “the sin of comparison.” I was constantly comparing myself with what others had. I wanted to be “normal” so I consistently wanted what others had to feel accepted, wanted and loved. Down deep I think I knew things weren’t right as I grew up and I believe that is where I began my journey into the “sin of comparison.” In the beginning I wanted to feel like a “normal” family. I wanted all that mushy love that I see on TV. The Hallmark commercials were real rough for me to live through. Actually these days I find a huge struggle on FB. Whenever I see the comments that get passed around on family life I struggle. I have a deep sadness because that stuff isn’t true in my life. I tend to gloss over them and move onto the next comment. As I go through my thankfulness in prayer I try to focus on “everything” I have. I am thankful for a house. I am thankful for heat and air conditioning. I am thankful for appliances, for windows and doors even for the roof. I am thankful for furniture, for towels, for a bed and sheets and blankets. I am also very thankful for my toothbrush. I like to remember the smallest item I can think of and the largest items that I have. Of course having food each and every day and clothes to wear are in my prayers as well. It says in the Bible that if God cares about the birds in the air, then He cares for us even more so. Solomon in all His glory was not clothed as well as the lilies of the field. I find comfort in these statements. I find God knows what I need. The operative word here is need. I have much more than what I need. That is awesome. So we are in this economic downturn, have been for a while now. I find comfort that God is watching after me. I have what I need. God knows what I need and I have it. That is pretty awesome to me. Sure I want a nice car, the best sheets, the latest computer gadget etc. When I slow down and think I have what I need, I find huge comfort in that. A lot of what I want really isn’t good for me. I like chocolate, if I could eat it 24/7 well I’d have huge weight issues, health issues etc. So wanting all the chocolate isn’t really what I need. I want it. It isn’t good for me. So when I start to think that I don’t have what the next guy has I begin to think….that is ok. God directed Junior and I to the house we are now in. It is old, hadn’t been lived in for years and it is in need of a lot of tender care. Me….I would have rather moved into a ready to live in type of house. I would have rather had two bathrooms. I would have loved to have a working kitchen. The list goes on. We instead have a house that needs all kinds of work. The funny thing about this is that this house is probably the most comfortable house I have ever lived in. Part of the comfort is that I’m not afraid. Junior is a comfortable person for me to live with. We don’t do anger or drama. I like that a whole bunch. The other part is that this house is set up structurally comfortable. Everything is on one floor. The rooms are decent sized and there is enough house to feel privacy when we need it and small enough not to feel lost in it. This house has also helped me overcome depression. Two moves in two years right after I retired kind of put me through a wringer. I believe I needed to move to VA. Originally I felt we moved for political reasons, the longer we are here I think God directed us to move. I had some more layers of junk I needed to deal with and this move has made me leave that junk in MI. For the most part now I am in forward movement. I am enjoying the process of seeing our house become a home. I am enjoying re-entering into life in a community that takes me as I am. From the clerk at the store to my church family I have been accepted and loved. People take me as I am and tend to have an attitude of love. As I am silly I am laughed with. That feels nice. I can be silly and I am accepted. As I have come out of my abuse I find I am silly. People tend to giggle with me as I do my silly chatter. I chatter all the time now. I talk to the waitress, the sales clerk, the gas station attendant now. Most of the time people are giggling right along with me. I love it. I now start telling people that if you giggle at what I say….I will get worse. It encourages me. They giggle even with that statement. I remember praying to God to save my marriage. The divorce happened. I was sad and all these years later though I find myself ever grateful that the divorce did happen. I am with a man who cherishes me. I am not afraid of my shadow anymore. I am loved in profound ways. As I end this I’d like to ask you to begin a journey of thankfulness. Try it you might enjoy the journey. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 19, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Recently I've had a parting of ways with someone. Words were exchanged back and forth as they tend to happen. I keep thinking on something that was said to me. I was told that I hide behind the Bible and my faith too much. I felt they were trying to insult me. The more I thought on it though, that was really a complement. That is the goal.

When I prayed the sinner's prayer and asked Jesus to be Lord in my life that is what I wanted most. I want to grow up in the Lord to put away the reactions and ways of this world and to learn to live as God has created us to be.

I find that we will allow all kinds of things into our lives. Some people tend to say we are slaves to something. Drugs and alcohol come to mind. One of my struggles was to be loved at any cost. I allowed myself to be in abusive situations. When I felt unloved as a wife, I placed my children on a pedestal. I tried hard to get Mom to notice me. I did lots of things just to feel a little love.

Now all these people weren't cruel per se. I just kept trying real hard to be seen, to be wanted and loved. It is like the kid jumping up and down with their hand in the air saying, "me ask me."

As I began my faith journey I found times I would be crying as I prayed. I almost felt God wiping tears from my face. The one time I felt God say, "Look into my eyes" as I almost felt Him lift my chin up. It felt so real. I felt love. I felt that even little old Janet mattered to God. For the first time I didn't have to jump through hoops to be noticed. In that love I find I can now move and be. Do I fall back? Yes I do. Mostly though I feel wanted, loved and a forward movement.

I come back to the person's comment that I hide behind my faith, the Bible. As I read the Bible and as I pray I begin to learn how to deal with life. I am finding that if I am to be a slave and we are then I want to be a slave to God. We are slaves to shopping, chocolate, money, nice things and of course drugs, alcohol and even sex. There is something we all struggle with, it is our human condition.

For me God's ways are the best way to live life. God is the creator of all things and my thinking is that if He is the creator then He knows what we need to do. It's like being a parent. We know our children fairly well. We know what they are able to do and at what age to let them do it. Like tying their shoes or riding a bike, we know when they are ready.

I remember struggling with the "being a slave to God" thinking. I remember struggling with submitting to Junior. Submission in another life wasn't any fun. It hurt more often than not. I remember letting him do things I felt were morally wrong. In an attempt to be a pleasing wife though, I let him do things I didn't like. So it was difficult to learn how to submit to God and let Him be fully in charge. For the most part I am able to let God be in charge now. I am also able to submit to Junior. I am able because Junior consistently shows me he has my best interest at heart.

A whole lot of my walk with God tends to be through the back door. As I learned how to trust Junior, I found myself willing to let God be God in my life. As I learned that God loves me more than Junior and Junior is always showing me how much he loves me. I am able to trust. As I trust I begin to "hear" God directing me. As I listen and change I grow and the growth in me that I see is astounding.

Being in a faith journey is a lot like being a runner. It is a solo sport in many ways. We try to better ourselves and see the improvements. That is the exciting thing for me. As I look where I was and where I am, I find that WOW feeling.

So the person meant to hurt me with those words. I find comfort in them. I know as this relationship was heading toward the ending phase, I found myself in prayer a whole lot. I continue to pray as well. I needed to say "stop." I didn't want to lash out in anger. I wanted to say "stop." I have a peace that I did what I could. I have a peace that I allowed God to lead me. Yup, I am learning how to "hide" in the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet

November 12, 2011 Greetings My Friend, As I write I am in one of my I’m awake in the middle of the night modes. I have FB’d, wrote e-mails and even edited some of my blogs. I went back to bed and was praying and thinking and I pondered again the question of suicide. Through the years I have heard that it is wrong and it could send you directly to hell. I have read the Bible and I didn’t see in it where it said that it is wrong. I see over and over where God is a God of life. He is upset with human sacrifices. He really didn’t like child sacrifices. I see God being upset over these sacrifices. I also see God as a God of life not death. I find that I appreciate that a whole lot. God is a God of life not death. That is why I am against abortion. God did not want the children used as sacrifices so I felt that He wanted children to grow up. Nowhere did I comprehend the suicide situation. As I went to bed Junior was wakeful. We snuggled and chatted for a few minutes. I was praying and the suicide thought kept playing through my mind. I asked Junior and he said “It is murder.” The light bulb went off. In the 10 commandments God says to not murder. Suicide is murdering your body. That made a ton of sense to me. Junior has also taught me through the years there is murder for the sake of killing people and then there is war. I believe that in World War II that the war was justified to help save the Jewish people. War will always be in the world. It says that in the Bible. So killing in a war is different than in general. It took me a while to understand that lesson. I hate war as most people do. War has been around for thousands of years and it will be here till the end I’m afraid. I believe that when Junior fought in Viet Nam he was doing what his government asked him to do. War has left its scar on my husband and for many people. The church I belonged to at one point in my life had a minister commit suicide. That has left a huge scar on me. He was overwhelmed with the running of our church. He had two assistants and both left in a short period of time. He felt he had to run the church till the new people came and he did not ask for help. He committed suicide and to be honest it has left a scar on me, on the church. I felt his pain in many ways. So committing suicide is murder? God is a God of life. These thoughts roll around in my head. I know the wonderful feeling I get when I am walking close to God. I love the hugs I feel. I have found that turning my heart over to God and allowing Him to lead me is a wonderful gift beyond belief. I am ever grateful that I found my faith journey in the Lord. He has helped me when I felt life was so hopeless. At this point I ponder the Minister. He was a man of faith and he did not feel God’s embrace in his life? That makes me real sad. As I journey along in my faith walk I marvel when with God’s guidance I overcome the various struggles I have. At one point in my life I did not think I could live without my children’s love and affection. I never felt wanted as a child as a wife and those babies gave me the reason to live. To not have them in my life was about as painful as life could get for me. I have always been afraid of suicide. I have thought long and hard at times but my fear is that I would survive the attempt and be paralyzed for the rest of my life. I have chosen not to attempt to take my own life. I am grateful because with God….I feel a reason to enter into each and every day. He sends me to the porch, to someone’s aid and in all of that I find life to be worth living. I also marvel at what I’ve been able to accomplish in my life. I could not do half of what I have done on my own. In the Lord, I have been able to find a peace even when life seems to be crumbling around me. Recently I entered into a FB conversation with a lady who struggles with nightmares due to the abuse she suffered with her ex. It was a hard moment for me to re-live the past. I found myself shaking as I wrote to her. I am glad I did enter into that conversation though. Stepping beside someone and saying “I know” seems to be ever so helpful. Afterward I asked for prayer and I prayed and I felt myself leaving the painful memories where they belonged, in the past. I was able to help the woman and that also felt good. God has given me courage when I had none. He gives me hope. Hope is one of the most wonderful things I have found in life. Prior to meeting Jesus I had a lot of wishing. I wished the anger would go away. I wished that beatings would stop. I wished I was loved. In Jesus though I have true hope, I find in true hope I can face the roughest of days. I know I am not a mistake. I am a wanted child of God. Those emotions were so engrained in me that I felt un-wanted and un-loved for most of my life. God has said “Janet….you are mine.” That is the most profound feeling I have ever had. God has put Junior and I together and we have given each other a love so deep that it is wonderfully strange. God gives us this new church family and we grow in profound ways. God sends me out into the world loving and giving and living. Where is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

November 5, 2011 Greetings My Friend, Sometimes life is hard. The pain of life can overwhelm even the toughest of people. For me I have found that Jesus helps me face those moments that I can’t seem to handle. He comforts me, gives me strength when I’d rather give up. Since I have begun my faith journey I have had many rough moments and each time I find Jesus is there holding my hand and guiding me. All of a sudden I find that the struggle is behind me and I marvel that I endured another trial. One of the things that comfort me is that I don’t feel all alone. Much of what goes on in my life I wind up feeling alone, like no one cares. Jesus though He gives me strength to face the day and then I often feel hugged and loved in profound ways. I am willing to face the challenges of life because someone is willing to step beside me. Junior often will help me. Sometimes he doesn’t get my struggle. He tries but he flat out doesn’t get it. His words are a comfort at times and at times they don’t give me what I seek. That’s when Jesus helps me the most. Sometimes the question is “Why Lord?” It seems unfair, not right etc. that this trial is on us. As I have learned God allows struggles in our lives. These struggles generally help us to be stronger in our walk with Him and to me anyway I marvel that I truly can do things I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do. Somewhere along the way I have learned that these struggles prepare us for heaven and the work we will do there. I’m not sure if this is right. It does comfort me though. When I went to work at the bank I was overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do. It required that I think a lot too. I had to have the work that came across my desk done at the end of the day. It required learning how to prioritize and even how to tell Loan Officers “no.” If I was going to balance out at the end of the day then I had to have the work done. We had to stay until everyone was balanced out and people got upset if you held the group up day after day. As I learned my job I found I liked the rush that went through my system each day. I liked all the thinking my brain had to do. For me it was a good fit. At first I was scared but as I grew into the job I enjoyed what I did. That is the way I see my faith journey. God gives me work to do and sometimes I feel afraid like I won’t be able to. As I do it though I find I am more than capable and even have a sense of accomplishment. As I write my niece’s step son who is severely autistic set himself on fire. Her husband’s hand is burnt pretty badly as well. I feel for them as they go through the surgeries and the healing. This seems like a rough road and it is. They struggle with this son’s outbursts of anger. They struggle to reach inside of him to let him know they love him. It seems unfair that now they have to deal with 40 -50% of his body being burnt. I am in constant prayer for the family as they go through this horrible trial. First of all I believe God is crying alongside of them. I felt God’s tears as I struggled when I came out of my abuse. God does not want us to hurt like that. This is a fallen world though and awful things happen. So God allows life to happen in this fallen sinful state. In my faith journey though that is when I sense God the most. He steps beside me and begins to show me how to deal with life. As I overcome the struggle and get to the other side I find myself in awe of what I was able to do. I am often grateful for the struggle because without it I would have never known that I could do what I did. People see me as needy. I guess I am. I think I’m being grown up and all and I appear to be needy. The needy Janet has walked away from abuse. I learned to say “stop, I don’t like that.” I am able to go to the store by myself and enjoy shopping. I am able to pay bills and have even bought my own car. I can clean, cook etc. I am able to do a lot. I make friends and hang with them. When Junior and I were first married it took me a while to be at a party and not leave his side. As I got to know the people, I went off in my own direction at the party often hooking up with Junior throughout the party. So I have grown. God has shown me that people care and are interested in me. He shows me that He will send me people who care and don’t mind helping me along life’s path. My niece set up a FB page for her step-son. People are writing their well wishes. B reads these and is finding encouragement to face her days. I am trying to ask for prayers at night before everyone goes to bed. It is my way of loving this family. So God allowed this to happen and He allows the encouragement to reach this family in their hour of need. People have also started to donate to the burn unit. When someone close goes through a tragedy people often want to donate to an organization that help people overcome. Who are you reaching out to? Do you know someone who could use a kind word or deed? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet