November 12, 2011 Greetings My Friend, As I write I am in one of my I’m awake in the middle of the night modes. I have FB’d, wrote e-mails and even edited some of my blogs. I went back to bed and was praying and thinking and I pondered again the question of suicide. Through the years I have heard that it is wrong and it could send you directly to hell. I have read the Bible and I didn’t see in it where it said that it is wrong. I see over and over where God is a God of life. He is upset with human sacrifices. He really didn’t like child sacrifices. I see God being upset over these sacrifices. I also see God as a God of life not death. I find that I appreciate that a whole lot. God is a God of life not death. That is why I am against abortion. God did not want the children used as sacrifices so I felt that He wanted children to grow up. Nowhere did I comprehend the suicide situation. As I went to bed Junior was wakeful. We snuggled and chatted for a few minutes. I was praying and the suicide thought kept playing through my mind. I asked Junior and he said “It is murder.” The light bulb went off. In the 10 commandments God says to not murder. Suicide is murdering your body. That made a ton of sense to me. Junior has also taught me through the years there is murder for the sake of killing people and then there is war. I believe that in World War II that the war was justified to help save the Jewish people. War will always be in the world. It says that in the Bible. So killing in a war is different than in general. It took me a while to understand that lesson. I hate war as most people do. War has been around for thousands of years and it will be here till the end I’m afraid. I believe that when Junior fought in Viet Nam he was doing what his government asked him to do. War has left its scar on my husband and for many people. The church I belonged to at one point in my life had a minister commit suicide. That has left a huge scar on me. He was overwhelmed with the running of our church. He had two assistants and both left in a short period of time. He felt he had to run the church till the new people came and he did not ask for help. He committed suicide and to be honest it has left a scar on me, on the church. I felt his pain in many ways. So committing suicide is murder? God is a God of life. These thoughts roll around in my head. I know the wonderful feeling I get when I am walking close to God. I love the hugs I feel. I have found that turning my heart over to God and allowing Him to lead me is a wonderful gift beyond belief. I am ever grateful that I found my faith journey in the Lord. He has helped me when I felt life was so hopeless. At this point I ponder the Minister. He was a man of faith and he did not feel God’s embrace in his life? That makes me real sad. As I journey along in my faith walk I marvel when with God’s guidance I overcome the various struggles I have. At one point in my life I did not think I could live without my children’s love and affection. I never felt wanted as a child as a wife and those babies gave me the reason to live. To not have them in my life was about as painful as life could get for me. I have always been afraid of suicide. I have thought long and hard at times but my fear is that I would survive the attempt and be paralyzed for the rest of my life. I have chosen not to attempt to take my own life. I am grateful because with God….I feel a reason to enter into each and every day. He sends me to the porch, to someone’s aid and in all of that I find life to be worth living. I also marvel at what I’ve been able to accomplish in my life. I could not do half of what I have done on my own. In the Lord, I have been able to find a peace even when life seems to be crumbling around me. Recently I entered into a FB conversation with a lady who struggles with nightmares due to the abuse she suffered with her ex. It was a hard moment for me to re-live the past. I found myself shaking as I wrote to her. I am glad I did enter into that conversation though. Stepping beside someone and saying “I know” seems to be ever so helpful. Afterward I asked for prayer and I prayed and I felt myself leaving the painful memories where they belonged, in the past. I was able to help the woman and that also felt good. God has given me courage when I had none. He gives me hope. Hope is one of the most wonderful things I have found in life. Prior to meeting Jesus I had a lot of wishing. I wished the anger would go away. I wished that beatings would stop. I wished I was loved. In Jesus though I have true hope, I find in true hope I can face the roughest of days. I know I am not a mistake. I am a wanted child of God. Those emotions were so engrained in me that I felt un-wanted and un-loved for most of my life. God has said “Janet….you are mine.” That is the most profound feeling I have ever had. God has put Junior and I together and we have given each other a love so deep that it is wonderfully strange. God gives us this new church family and we grow in profound ways. God sends me out into the world loving and giving and living. Where is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet