November 19, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Recently I've had a parting of ways with someone. Words were exchanged back and forth as they tend to happen. I keep thinking on something that was said to me. I was told that I hide behind the Bible and my faith too much. I felt they were trying to insult me. The more I thought on it though, that was really a complement. That is the goal.

When I prayed the sinner's prayer and asked Jesus to be Lord in my life that is what I wanted most. I want to grow up in the Lord to put away the reactions and ways of this world and to learn to live as God has created us to be.

I find that we will allow all kinds of things into our lives. Some people tend to say we are slaves to something. Drugs and alcohol come to mind. One of my struggles was to be loved at any cost. I allowed myself to be in abusive situations. When I felt unloved as a wife, I placed my children on a pedestal. I tried hard to get Mom to notice me. I did lots of things just to feel a little love.

Now all these people weren't cruel per se. I just kept trying real hard to be seen, to be wanted and loved. It is like the kid jumping up and down with their hand in the air saying, "me ask me."

As I began my faith journey I found times I would be crying as I prayed. I almost felt God wiping tears from my face. The one time I felt God say, "Look into my eyes" as I almost felt Him lift my chin up. It felt so real. I felt love. I felt that even little old Janet mattered to God. For the first time I didn't have to jump through hoops to be noticed. In that love I find I can now move and be. Do I fall back? Yes I do. Mostly though I feel wanted, loved and a forward movement.

I come back to the person's comment that I hide behind my faith, the Bible. As I read the Bible and as I pray I begin to learn how to deal with life. I am finding that if I am to be a slave and we are then I want to be a slave to God. We are slaves to shopping, chocolate, money, nice things and of course drugs, alcohol and even sex. There is something we all struggle with, it is our human condition.

For me God's ways are the best way to live life. God is the creator of all things and my thinking is that if He is the creator then He knows what we need to do. It's like being a parent. We know our children fairly well. We know what they are able to do and at what age to let them do it. Like tying their shoes or riding a bike, we know when they are ready.

I remember struggling with the "being a slave to God" thinking. I remember struggling with submitting to Junior. Submission in another life wasn't any fun. It hurt more often than not. I remember letting him do things I felt were morally wrong. In an attempt to be a pleasing wife though, I let him do things I didn't like. So it was difficult to learn how to submit to God and let Him be fully in charge. For the most part I am able to let God be in charge now. I am also able to submit to Junior. I am able because Junior consistently shows me he has my best interest at heart.

A whole lot of my walk with God tends to be through the back door. As I learned how to trust Junior, I found myself willing to let God be God in my life. As I learned that God loves me more than Junior and Junior is always showing me how much he loves me. I am able to trust. As I trust I begin to "hear" God directing me. As I listen and change I grow and the growth in me that I see is astounding.

Being in a faith journey is a lot like being a runner. It is a solo sport in many ways. We try to better ourselves and see the improvements. That is the exciting thing for me. As I look where I was and where I am, I find that WOW feeling.

So the person meant to hurt me with those words. I find comfort in them. I know as this relationship was heading toward the ending phase, I found myself in prayer a whole lot. I continue to pray as well. I needed to say "stop." I didn't want to lash out in anger. I wanted to say "stop." I have a peace that I did what I could. I have a peace that I allowed God to lead me. Yup, I am learning how to "hide" in the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet