October 1, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I’m thinking about “the little things in life” today. The older I get the more I realize it is the little things that I treasure the most. Little things like a walk down the country road, the gentle kiss from my husband or even a child. I love the pets snuggling on me. I love to feel the warmth of their bodies, to feel their fur or when they kiss me. I love to drive along and see the beauty all around me. I see it even more here in the mountains, the greenness of summer, and the smell of honeysuckles or the sound of a bird singing. The tiny little hummingbird is a marvel to behold.
For the longest time I felt that if I lived in the right neighborhood, had the prettiest house, drove the coolest car and had jewelry that sparkled that I would find contentment. I believed that a job wasn’t good enough, I needed an awesome career. As life went on for me I found that I never had the attention, admiration etc. I craved. Things did not bring me contentment. People weren’t impressed like I wanted them to be.
I believe we need to work and work is good for us. The teacher in Ecclesiae’s found this to be true. He felt life was meaningless. As he explored life though he found we need to work and we need to enjoy our work. It is good for us.
The Teacher had lots of money and could buy what he wanted. He found though that life was meaningless. Stuff did not satisfy the deep longings inside of him. I find that to be true as well. Stuff just doesn’t make the deep part of me content. Sometimes I see stuff as a ball and chain around me to be honest. As we have moved two times in two years the stuff we moved became a mountain of work. Stuff was just that stuff.
We had people who thought we should have gotten rid of everything and started over. That didn’t make sense either. We’d have to buy a new couch, bed, chairs, table etc. We had those things so why would we get rid of them to buy them again? Still we needed to get rid of a lot of other things…things we didn’t need. We weren’t sure where we’d end up so we kept things that we are now getting rid of. We are in the house we hope to be in for the rest of our lives. We are getting rid of a lot of stuff. We know what we need now.
My parents were borderline hoarders. I had an Aunt who was a major hoarder. To me I don’t want to be owned by my stuff, I want to own my stuff. I keep learning that I need to own things and not let things own me. I need to be willing to walk away if need be. It is a wonderful lesson and a hard one at the same time.
As I see that stuff can consume my life I learn again how it is the little things that really bring me joy. I love when I can have a phone chat with a friend. I do that a couple of days a week with different people. I love when I can connect heart to heart with people. To me that is about the best there is in life, that heart to heart interaction.
I was at the hair dressers recently. My hair dresser wasn’t in and another lady did my hair. Both ladies are going through a divorce. I’ve been divorced, it hurts beyond words. To me divorce is like a death. The dreams the couple started with have now died. As I talked with this lady I was able to enter into her pain, to offer her hope. The hope I have is Jesus. Until Jesus entered into my life…I had wishing. I wished things would get better. I wished I didn’t hurt. With my relationship with Jesus, I have found hope, true hope.
Hope is what gets me out of bed each day. Hope helps me enter into the day, into life. Before hope I was in constant pain and finding relief was non-existent. As I open my heart to Jesus, I find ways to cope with the pain of life. I find joy and I find purpose. I have a desire to love even if love hurts. Before I met true hope I tried to keep a barrier up so that I wouldn’t be hurt. At this point in my life I find great joy in meeting people where they are at even if it will hurt for a bit. I know that Jesus will help me through and the thought of another person finding relief…it is all worth it.
Recently on FB I entered into a conversation with a woman going through nightmares. Her nightmares are from the abuse she suffered with her husband. Those memories are kept in her life because she has to keep going to court. I shared with her my experiences and how I’ve worked through those moments. I was able to reach out to her and hold her. Afterward I found myself shaking. My memories were front and center again. I went to Bible study time and prayer time in pain. Afterward, I was back in the present living and doing life.
I am willing to take a risk now. I will let the pain back if it means I can help. I want to love as I have been loved by God. God holds me when no one else can. He wipes my tears. He sends people as well. Junior is always beside me. My friends have and do hold me. God put each one in my path. To me life is sweet now. It isn’t the nice ride, the fancy house or the bank account that makes life sweet. Life is sweet because I know that I know that God loves me and wants me. I’m not a mistake.
Where is your hope? Is it stuff? Is it Jesus?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
September 24, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
I’m thinking deeply about my faith journey….how do you explain a faith journey? I don’t want to use jargon….I want to use real words….so how do I do that?
For me my life has dramatically changed since the day I said the sinner’s prayer. I don’t remember the exact date….I remember saying the prayer and as the years have gone on much of my thinking and way of living has changed. As time has gone on I realize that I am on a journey.
Part of my faith journey has been to read my Bible. I’d often ask Junior a question and he’d say “what does the Bible say?” After a while I got tired of him saying that and I began to read my Bible. Many times now when I feel God speaking to me Scripture passages come to mind and those passages help me deal with the struggle I have.
My prayer life was fairly non-existent prior to marrying Junior. For the first 10 years of marriage or so we prayed together each morning. My counselor taught me the ACTSS prayer format and it has changed my life beyond words. Recently as I went through a huge struggle I spent an afternoon in prayer. I was hurting deeply. As I poured out my struggle to God I’d find thoughts coming to me, answers on how to deal with my struggle.
I did not hear “words” I heard ideas. Sometimes I’d see a picture in my mind’s eye. As I focused on the ideas that came to mind….I felt a peace…an understanding and then gradually an acceptance. As I re-entered in to the day, into life in general I was able to put into action some of what I “heard” God telling me. As I put these into action….life felt better. I felt stronger as well.
As I read the Bible and re-read it year after year I begin to find little nuggets of truth to build my life on. Sometimes it is straight forward like the 10 commandments or sometimes it is in how a person in the Bible handled a situation. King David is probably my favorite person in the Bible. King David loved God and often is called “a man after God’s own heart.” King David had faith, as a young man he killed Goliath. As an adult, a king…he screwed up and had sex with a woman who was not his wife. Then he had her husband killed. That was a pretty major screw up. When confronted though Kind David had enough sense to confess his sin and ask for forgiveness.
I also learn from King David that once I ask for forgiveness….I don’t have to keep feeling bad and re-living my transgression over and over again. I am truly forgiven, once and for all. King David had to pay a price for his sin. His sin was forgiven and he was able to enjoy life again.
I like to beat myself up in my mind’s eye. I have a hard time forgiving myself for whatever I’ve done wrong. Junior has taught me by the way he lives his life to truly let the transgression go. He led a life prior to meeting Jesus that is well…..pretty rough. He drank, he beat people up, he gambled away his paychecks, and he was into pornography and a whole host of other real yucky stuff. As I live with Junior and watch him do life….I see a peace in him, an acceptance of what he was and what he is now. That teaches me to let go of junk from the past and focus on life now.
These puppies have been a huge blessing. They love on me in ways that astound me. They are always happy to see me. Their warm little bodies feel so full of life and when my life hurts, they are looking to me to love them, to feed them (Junior does that but….) and they help me stay connected to life.
This brings to mind God’s blessings. Again this isn’t always something obvious. As I journey through life I am beginning to see God’s blessings. As I left my first marriage I got a cat. He was a warm body to snuggle with. Being a kitten at the time he could be playful as well. I’d want to snuggle and he’d want to play. Still he was a live body to interact with. He helped me stay…..away from a need to be ….. with men in the man/woman way. As the years have gone on, he still is that snuggle I need. He seems to know when I am hurting and he will snuggle up to me.
The young women I’ve been able to love on have been a huge blessing. I love to be near them, to offer my life’s experiences as a means to help them through theirs. I love giggling with them. As I hurt and long for my daughter to be in my life…God has given me young women to love in a motherly way. There is a young lady I know who knows the sting of divorce. I can share with her how I’ve worked through the various anger issues. She lets me share my life and from her, I get love, fun moments and a mother feeling. J next door is raising a boy. I often can share my experience of a mother who has raised a son. I also am able to share with J the things I’ve learned about being a wife. I share my journey of being with a man….a man who is different than a woman in so many ways and at times so confusing. My consistent teaching seems to be to “look to her man” to realize he is seeking her best interest and she needs to listen to him.
Even our move to VA has been a blessing. We weren’t planning on moving as I retired three years ago. When we felt led to move…we moved. There is not a moment that I am not grateful to be out here. It has been a lot of work, a struggle to adjust to a new life, a new place – two in two years even. In it all though, I’m ever grateful for the move. It was weird. There was an election in MI and we were unhappy with the choice the state made and we talked about moving, both of us at the same time. We moved and it has been awesome. Again the move has been hard at times but no regrets.
As I end this I’d like to ask you if you’ve ever looked at the blessings God has bestowed upon you? It can be hard to discern at times but the more you look, the more you will find.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
I’m thinking deeply about my faith journey….how do you explain a faith journey? I don’t want to use jargon….I want to use real words….so how do I do that?
For me my life has dramatically changed since the day I said the sinner’s prayer. I don’t remember the exact date….I remember saying the prayer and as the years have gone on much of my thinking and way of living has changed. As time has gone on I realize that I am on a journey.
Part of my faith journey has been to read my Bible. I’d often ask Junior a question and he’d say “what does the Bible say?” After a while I got tired of him saying that and I began to read my Bible. Many times now when I feel God speaking to me Scripture passages come to mind and those passages help me deal with the struggle I have.
My prayer life was fairly non-existent prior to marrying Junior. For the first 10 years of marriage or so we prayed together each morning. My counselor taught me the ACTSS prayer format and it has changed my life beyond words. Recently as I went through a huge struggle I spent an afternoon in prayer. I was hurting deeply. As I poured out my struggle to God I’d find thoughts coming to me, answers on how to deal with my struggle.
I did not hear “words” I heard ideas. Sometimes I’d see a picture in my mind’s eye. As I focused on the ideas that came to mind….I felt a peace…an understanding and then gradually an acceptance. As I re-entered in to the day, into life in general I was able to put into action some of what I “heard” God telling me. As I put these into action….life felt better. I felt stronger as well.
As I read the Bible and re-read it year after year I begin to find little nuggets of truth to build my life on. Sometimes it is straight forward like the 10 commandments or sometimes it is in how a person in the Bible handled a situation. King David is probably my favorite person in the Bible. King David loved God and often is called “a man after God’s own heart.” King David had faith, as a young man he killed Goliath. As an adult, a king…he screwed up and had sex with a woman who was not his wife. Then he had her husband killed. That was a pretty major screw up. When confronted though Kind David had enough sense to confess his sin and ask for forgiveness.
I also learn from King David that once I ask for forgiveness….I don’t have to keep feeling bad and re-living my transgression over and over again. I am truly forgiven, once and for all. King David had to pay a price for his sin. His sin was forgiven and he was able to enjoy life again.
I like to beat myself up in my mind’s eye. I have a hard time forgiving myself for whatever I’ve done wrong. Junior has taught me by the way he lives his life to truly let the transgression go. He led a life prior to meeting Jesus that is well…..pretty rough. He drank, he beat people up, he gambled away his paychecks, and he was into pornography and a whole host of other real yucky stuff. As I live with Junior and watch him do life….I see a peace in him, an acceptance of what he was and what he is now. That teaches me to let go of junk from the past and focus on life now.
These puppies have been a huge blessing. They love on me in ways that astound me. They are always happy to see me. Their warm little bodies feel so full of life and when my life hurts, they are looking to me to love them, to feed them (Junior does that but….) and they help me stay connected to life.
This brings to mind God’s blessings. Again this isn’t always something obvious. As I journey through life I am beginning to see God’s blessings. As I left my first marriage I got a cat. He was a warm body to snuggle with. Being a kitten at the time he could be playful as well. I’d want to snuggle and he’d want to play. Still he was a live body to interact with. He helped me stay…..away from a need to be ….. with men in the man/woman way. As the years have gone on, he still is that snuggle I need. He seems to know when I am hurting and he will snuggle up to me.
The young women I’ve been able to love on have been a huge blessing. I love to be near them, to offer my life’s experiences as a means to help them through theirs. I love giggling with them. As I hurt and long for my daughter to be in my life…God has given me young women to love in a motherly way. There is a young lady I know who knows the sting of divorce. I can share with her how I’ve worked through the various anger issues. She lets me share my life and from her, I get love, fun moments and a mother feeling. J next door is raising a boy. I often can share my experience of a mother who has raised a son. I also am able to share with J the things I’ve learned about being a wife. I share my journey of being with a man….a man who is different than a woman in so many ways and at times so confusing. My consistent teaching seems to be to “look to her man” to realize he is seeking her best interest and she needs to listen to him.
Even our move to VA has been a blessing. We weren’t planning on moving as I retired three years ago. When we felt led to move…we moved. There is not a moment that I am not grateful to be out here. It has been a lot of work, a struggle to adjust to a new life, a new place – two in two years even. In it all though, I’m ever grateful for the move. It was weird. There was an election in MI and we were unhappy with the choice the state made and we talked about moving, both of us at the same time. We moved and it has been awesome. Again the move has been hard at times but no regrets.
As I end this I’d like to ask you if you’ve ever looked at the blessings God has bestowed upon you? It can be hard to discern at times but the more you look, the more you will find.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, September 16, 2011
September 17, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I remember hearing through the years various arguments on why there is no need for church in a person’s life. Some of the arguments are, “I can worship God in nature.” That is so true you can worship God in nature. I have done it and do it even now. As I walk along the country road where we live I am in awe of God’s creation. The trees, the mountains and even the animals I encounter. I also love when we drive along and see cattle, goats or sheep on the hill side. It is a very peaceful sight to see.
Another argument I often hear is that there are so many hypocrites in church. That is very true. I am paraphrasing here but Jesus said He came to save the lost not the ones who were healthy. In my thinking most of us are lost. If that is the case then church is for the hurting, the lost and the lonely. If they are lost, lonely and hurting then at times people are not nice. For me I find that as God has loved me where I was at I began to grow to feel wanted and loved. Each of us in church is on a different level of our faith journey so yup there are the hypocrites.
Jesus has taught me to look beyond the surface. I can’t do it all the time, I’m getting better though. If I can reach into someone’s heart then I can begin to meet them at their need, not at their façade. As I look around my current church family I find so many wonderful people. As I state often this church has accepted Junior and I right where we are at. They encourage us and they love us where we are at. Do I see people who are annoying, I sure do. Still I am learning to let them be what they are.
Many people can find Junior to be rather blunt. He is to tell you the truth. He won’t mince words and he will come to the heart of the matter rather quickly. When he is encountering a new minister he often chats with them as he leaves the service and he tells them “you know most preachers are going to hell.” Like I said Junior can be blunt. Junior is not doing it to be mean. He has a true desire to give them a wakeup call if you will. Ministers are given a huge responsibility for bringing God’s message to their congregation. They are like the Shepard of the flock. Ministers also may get caught up in the trappings of being the leader that they forget what their calling is.
Our Minister was out of town recently and had another Minister step into his place on Sunday morning. As we left church Junior told this minister his line about preachers going to hell. When our regular Minister returned he asked how it went. I told him what Junior said and he said “That is Junior,” with a huge smile. He took Junior’s comments in stride. He heard what he had to say and then moved on.
This brings another thought to mind. This church family, God has loved me/us where we are at. As I continue to grow in this I find myself not wanting to change Junior. Men marry women and hope they stay the same. Women marry men and want to change them. I have to admit there are times I want to “help” Junior be better instead of letting Junior be Junior. I can recall times where I can see in other people’s faces and actions that they aren’t appreciating what Junior is doing or saying. At that point I often want to intercede on his behalf. I want to smooth things over.
I fell in love with Junior’s heart. I don’t know that I knew it to say it in the beginning. As the years have gone on I have seen Junior’s heart in action. As I state often when I was asking God to open my eyes and heart to Junior, God revealed Junior’s desire to help the poor. It was his inviting junk to live with us stage and he was bending over doing laundry from a bag of clothes he found on the curb. His back hurt him so much but he kept on bending over and washing the clothes so he could give them to the poor.
Junior is also very tender with me. I even see this tenderness as he cares for our pets. Junior sounds rough and tough but he is also very tender. So my tough guy can also be so very tender. It is strange and wonderful. Anyway through the years I find myself accepting Junior’s bluntness easier and easier. I am accepting because God has revealed this man’s tender heart to me. I also still have moments where a harsh voice can send me reeling in fear. As I listen to Junior correct our pets I don’t see him kicking them or shouting loudly. Junior corrects them firmly and tenderly. This is an area that I consistently have to re-learn. Our friend S calls them bus driver issues. We have things that went wrong in our past and we have triggers where we are transported back in time. For me being corrected means pain and harshness.
I am so very thankful for a church family. For all of my life I have belonged in a church family. Starting out as a child the church was the ones to step beside our family when Dad had polio. None of the charities would help us because we moved to MI and you had to be there 6 months before they would help. The church stepped in by giving us food, clothing and a back brace for Dad. My second church family was there as I was divorced. They helped me develop a deeper walk with the Lord and as Junior and I married they gave us the skills to be a married couple. We both grew up dysfunctional and did not know how to be married in a functional Christ like way. This last church family has said “we love you and we accept you.” In all of this love we have grown.
As I close I’d like to invite you to church if you don’t go. For me I believe a church where God’s Word is preached and lived is important. Won’t you consider church?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I remember hearing through the years various arguments on why there is no need for church in a person’s life. Some of the arguments are, “I can worship God in nature.” That is so true you can worship God in nature. I have done it and do it even now. As I walk along the country road where we live I am in awe of God’s creation. The trees, the mountains and even the animals I encounter. I also love when we drive along and see cattle, goats or sheep on the hill side. It is a very peaceful sight to see.
Another argument I often hear is that there are so many hypocrites in church. That is very true. I am paraphrasing here but Jesus said He came to save the lost not the ones who were healthy. In my thinking most of us are lost. If that is the case then church is for the hurting, the lost and the lonely. If they are lost, lonely and hurting then at times people are not nice. For me I find that as God has loved me where I was at I began to grow to feel wanted and loved. Each of us in church is on a different level of our faith journey so yup there are the hypocrites.
Jesus has taught me to look beyond the surface. I can’t do it all the time, I’m getting better though. If I can reach into someone’s heart then I can begin to meet them at their need, not at their façade. As I look around my current church family I find so many wonderful people. As I state often this church has accepted Junior and I right where we are at. They encourage us and they love us where we are at. Do I see people who are annoying, I sure do. Still I am learning to let them be what they are.
Many people can find Junior to be rather blunt. He is to tell you the truth. He won’t mince words and he will come to the heart of the matter rather quickly. When he is encountering a new minister he often chats with them as he leaves the service and he tells them “you know most preachers are going to hell.” Like I said Junior can be blunt. Junior is not doing it to be mean. He has a true desire to give them a wakeup call if you will. Ministers are given a huge responsibility for bringing God’s message to their congregation. They are like the Shepard of the flock. Ministers also may get caught up in the trappings of being the leader that they forget what their calling is.
Our Minister was out of town recently and had another Minister step into his place on Sunday morning. As we left church Junior told this minister his line about preachers going to hell. When our regular Minister returned he asked how it went. I told him what Junior said and he said “That is Junior,” with a huge smile. He took Junior’s comments in stride. He heard what he had to say and then moved on.
This brings another thought to mind. This church family, God has loved me/us where we are at. As I continue to grow in this I find myself not wanting to change Junior. Men marry women and hope they stay the same. Women marry men and want to change them. I have to admit there are times I want to “help” Junior be better instead of letting Junior be Junior. I can recall times where I can see in other people’s faces and actions that they aren’t appreciating what Junior is doing or saying. At that point I often want to intercede on his behalf. I want to smooth things over.
I fell in love with Junior’s heart. I don’t know that I knew it to say it in the beginning. As the years have gone on I have seen Junior’s heart in action. As I state often when I was asking God to open my eyes and heart to Junior, God revealed Junior’s desire to help the poor. It was his inviting junk to live with us stage and he was bending over doing laundry from a bag of clothes he found on the curb. His back hurt him so much but he kept on bending over and washing the clothes so he could give them to the poor.
Junior is also very tender with me. I even see this tenderness as he cares for our pets. Junior sounds rough and tough but he is also very tender. So my tough guy can also be so very tender. It is strange and wonderful. Anyway through the years I find myself accepting Junior’s bluntness easier and easier. I am accepting because God has revealed this man’s tender heart to me. I also still have moments where a harsh voice can send me reeling in fear. As I listen to Junior correct our pets I don’t see him kicking them or shouting loudly. Junior corrects them firmly and tenderly. This is an area that I consistently have to re-learn. Our friend S calls them bus driver issues. We have things that went wrong in our past and we have triggers where we are transported back in time. For me being corrected means pain and harshness.
I am so very thankful for a church family. For all of my life I have belonged in a church family. Starting out as a child the church was the ones to step beside our family when Dad had polio. None of the charities would help us because we moved to MI and you had to be there 6 months before they would help. The church stepped in by giving us food, clothing and a back brace for Dad. My second church family was there as I was divorced. They helped me develop a deeper walk with the Lord and as Junior and I married they gave us the skills to be a married couple. We both grew up dysfunctional and did not know how to be married in a functional Christ like way. This last church family has said “we love you and we accept you.” In all of this love we have grown.
As I close I’d like to invite you to church if you don’t go. For me I believe a church where God’s Word is preached and lived is important. Won’t you consider church?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, September 9, 2011
September 10, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
My Brother’s birthday would have been this month, I ponder him again and then I move on. I’ve found I do that with the death’s I’ve experienced, I ponder them on their birthdays and then again on the anniversary of their deaths. I also mourn for me I mourn the relationship and the lack of understanding I had with the deceased. I do that not only with my brother but also with both my parents. We never seemed to work past the struggles that entangled us. Dad I did for the most part. My thoughts on him are generally kind and forgiving. Mom, I did not seem to see the division until the year or two before her death and I am sad.
Our Minister at church is doing a series on men. I remember my thinking starting to change as I went to a series of talks about men. The women got up and said they loved it when their men began to lead them. It was weird to me at first. I also came from a female dominated back ground. Mom had to work she often led the family more than our Dad did. Mom’s often repeated quote was “God was only kidding when she created man.” I feel that we were raised with a feminist background. Mom would deny that she was a feminist but what Mom said went.
I have been trying to let Junior be the lead in our marriage. Sometimes I challenge him because I am seen as being needy and that wears on him. I’m not trying to be needy…I guess at times I am real needy. Still I want Junior to lead. I feel that I am his helpmate. I do make decisions and I don’t waiver too much either. I like that Junior discusses major decisions with me. I like that he wants my input. We then come up with the final decision together. Sometimes very rarely though he has to put a final decision on things and when he does, I’m good with it because we’ve discussed the thing. I generally understand his thinking and I know he isn’t deciding on something just to go against what I want.
One of the most endearing things I love about Junior is that he sees himself more of a servant. He sees that he needs to be lower than me in order to serve me. His goal is to seek my best. The more he does that the more I tend to want his best. He sees that Jesus came to be a servant and if he is a follower of Jesus then he needs to make himself lower in order to serve.
This type of thinking is a struggle for me. It is part of what allowed me to enter into abuse. I saw myself as being lower than my husband etc. That lower type of thinking though isn’t what we are being called to do. I also remember Scripture that says “to turn the other cheek” if you are slapped. I took it to mean that I am to let someone slap me and then to let them slap me again for the sake of being mean. God doesn’t want me to allow people to abuse me. I am wrong to give that person the right to hurt me for the sake of hurting me.
As I go along in my faith journey I found that I am also wrong in allowing someone to abuse me. I allow that person the right. If I would have been able to leave and insist I was not going to live in abuse then I would have done the right thing. The abuser would have learned early on that it is not acceptable. It is a hard lesson. For me it was hard because that is what I knew and I knew no different. Dad abused us kids and frankly I grew up thinking that was normal behavior. It took years and years of counseling to learn that I didn’t have to get slugged every time someone got angry.
Junior and I went for a hike with a young man and his family one time. It was interesting to see this young man watch out for his family, for Junior and I. I believe we have inside of us the pattern God wants us to be overall. As we came upon slippery, muddy areas he would make sure we were all able to cross in safety. Throughout the whole journey each challenge brought the need for him to watch after us. This was his need to be a man for those around him.
Junior often says he would defend me even if it meant he died. Men are defenders by nature and he isn’t afraid to defend me. I don’t want him to die, but I also find that precious as well. Junior has often come to my side when I’m given a hard time. He will use his man voice to let the other person know it is time to stop. He has never had to use strength to defend me; he would though if he had to.
I had a hard phone call one time. There was lots of screaming and hard words. I hung up in tears. I went to take a bath and the phone rang. The person called back. Junior said that they could not talk to me. There was enough anger for that time. He let them know that his wife could not deal with anymore.
As I journey along with Junior I find myself more and more willing to submit to him. I know that he wants my best. I also want to let him be what God has created him to be, the leader, the defender and the spiritual leader in our home.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Greetings My Friend,
My Brother’s birthday would have been this month, I ponder him again and then I move on. I’ve found I do that with the death’s I’ve experienced, I ponder them on their birthdays and then again on the anniversary of their deaths. I also mourn for me I mourn the relationship and the lack of understanding I had with the deceased. I do that not only with my brother but also with both my parents. We never seemed to work past the struggles that entangled us. Dad I did for the most part. My thoughts on him are generally kind and forgiving. Mom, I did not seem to see the division until the year or two before her death and I am sad.
Our Minister at church is doing a series on men. I remember my thinking starting to change as I went to a series of talks about men. The women got up and said they loved it when their men began to lead them. It was weird to me at first. I also came from a female dominated back ground. Mom had to work she often led the family more than our Dad did. Mom’s often repeated quote was “God was only kidding when she created man.” I feel that we were raised with a feminist background. Mom would deny that she was a feminist but what Mom said went.
I have been trying to let Junior be the lead in our marriage. Sometimes I challenge him because I am seen as being needy and that wears on him. I’m not trying to be needy…I guess at times I am real needy. Still I want Junior to lead. I feel that I am his helpmate. I do make decisions and I don’t waiver too much either. I like that Junior discusses major decisions with me. I like that he wants my input. We then come up with the final decision together. Sometimes very rarely though he has to put a final decision on things and when he does, I’m good with it because we’ve discussed the thing. I generally understand his thinking and I know he isn’t deciding on something just to go against what I want.
One of the most endearing things I love about Junior is that he sees himself more of a servant. He sees that he needs to be lower than me in order to serve me. His goal is to seek my best. The more he does that the more I tend to want his best. He sees that Jesus came to be a servant and if he is a follower of Jesus then he needs to make himself lower in order to serve.
This type of thinking is a struggle for me. It is part of what allowed me to enter into abuse. I saw myself as being lower than my husband etc. That lower type of thinking though isn’t what we are being called to do. I also remember Scripture that says “to turn the other cheek” if you are slapped. I took it to mean that I am to let someone slap me and then to let them slap me again for the sake of being mean. God doesn’t want me to allow people to abuse me. I am wrong to give that person the right to hurt me for the sake of hurting me.
As I go along in my faith journey I found that I am also wrong in allowing someone to abuse me. I allow that person the right. If I would have been able to leave and insist I was not going to live in abuse then I would have done the right thing. The abuser would have learned early on that it is not acceptable. It is a hard lesson. For me it was hard because that is what I knew and I knew no different. Dad abused us kids and frankly I grew up thinking that was normal behavior. It took years and years of counseling to learn that I didn’t have to get slugged every time someone got angry.
Junior and I went for a hike with a young man and his family one time. It was interesting to see this young man watch out for his family, for Junior and I. I believe we have inside of us the pattern God wants us to be overall. As we came upon slippery, muddy areas he would make sure we were all able to cross in safety. Throughout the whole journey each challenge brought the need for him to watch after us. This was his need to be a man for those around him.
Junior often says he would defend me even if it meant he died. Men are defenders by nature and he isn’t afraid to defend me. I don’t want him to die, but I also find that precious as well. Junior has often come to my side when I’m given a hard time. He will use his man voice to let the other person know it is time to stop. He has never had to use strength to defend me; he would though if he had to.
I had a hard phone call one time. There was lots of screaming and hard words. I hung up in tears. I went to take a bath and the phone rang. The person called back. Junior said that they could not talk to me. There was enough anger for that time. He let them know that his wife could not deal with anymore.
As I journey along with Junior I find myself more and more willing to submit to him. I know that he wants my best. I also want to let him be what God has created him to be, the leader, the defender and the spiritual leader in our home.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Friday, September 2, 2011
August 13, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
One of the biggest joys I have is being Junior's helpmate. I love that role so very much. I don't need to be better than him, I just want to help him. In the Garden when God created Eve He created her to be Adam's helpmate. Each had a role that was right for them.
As I entered into relationship with Junior I found moments where I was the one to shine. When I was working with the teens, Junior often stepped behind me so I was the one the kids or parents talked with. He knew this was my strong point and did not want to take away from me. It was a wonderful feeling for me.
As I write my blog, my writings I often read them to Junior. First for me reading it out loud helps me to "hear" how I am coming across. Second I want Junior's input. I look to him to help me in my faith journey. He is my spiritual leader. Men don't get as deceived as women tend to. Yes, men can be deceived but not as easily as a woman is. So Junior has recognized my strengths and has encouraged me to be what God is creating me to be. He doesn't have to be front and center just to be front and center.
I am useless with the rennovating on the house. I am weak and unable to figure out how to do construction. Junior is doing the brunt of the work and I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for the finished product. I do try to keep the house neat, food prepared for him/us to eat and I run errands when it will help him. My main goal is to make life comfortable for him for when his day is done. I think he appreciates that too.
As I thought about the wilderness experience recently I realized that this time of rennovating is a wilderness experience as well. God gave us this land, this house and if we follow Him we will have a nice home, a comfortable home and a home for if and when he is in a wheel chair. The house is old and needs a whole lot of work though. I am surprised at how much I love this house. It is one story, the washer and dryer are on the same floor not in a basement. The wrap around porch is awesome. The enclosed porch when all is finished will be wonderful to sit and look out on.
Our kitchen is make shift at best. I have no stove. I could use the old wood burner kitchen stove...not up to learning how to use it for cooking. We do use it for heat alongside the heat pump. With all the wood and paper trash we generate....we can heat this house fairly comfortably. Even though the kitchen is makeshift, I am able to cook good wholesome meals. Thank goodness for the crock pot, the electric skillet, the toaster oven and the microwave. With these I can make just about anything I put my mind to.
As I ponder the wilderness experience I find that our living arrangements at present are just that a time in the wilderness. We are comfortable and we slowly get the house in shape. For me most of my life the minute I moved somewhere I started dreaming of the next house, the better, prettier house. I think I am learning to be content and not want to move anymore. By investing so much sweat equity into the house....I don't want to move on. When we are done, we will have it exactly the way we want it. As I take my walks up the hard hill I find my energy getting stronger. I marvel at the beauty that is outside my door. I am grateful for this new home.
I also believe that Junior and I will be able to be on our own for a long time. With everything on one floor, we won't have to worry about doing stairs. We will eventually put in a wheel chair ramp or two, so the couple of stairs we go up now won't be a concern in the future either.
I think again that in a faith journey with God that God is a God of action. He provides but I need to step out and do. God does give us gifts all the time but many times those gifts are things we need to work at. The same for the Israelites in the wilderness, they had to go out and do.
I have to trust God won't give me more than I can handle. If the job seems overwhelming, then I need to remember God must know I am capable and start doing it. I love the lessons I have learned through my life time. As I got to the other side of the struggle I was often amazed that I was able to do it. Now a days though I believe that God is the one helping me move past the struggle. He gives me courage when I have none. He gives me words when I have none. He also gives me answers when I need them.
Sometimes I won't know an answer. God doesn't always give us answers. I am learning to be ok with that. It is hard. I want answers and for me the answers help me move forward, sometimes though God seems to say "not this time." So I learn to trust and to do and in all of that I move forward.
I have been in my steady faith journey for over a decade now. I have seen me grow through divorce, children who are angry, cancer and depression. I see again that just because I have entered into a faith journey doesn't mean that life is a cake walk. It does mean that when I go through trials though that God is there helping me through the struggles. To me that is an awesome gift. I am no longer feeling all alone in this wide world. For years that is how I felt. I felt unwanted, unloved and flat out unacceptable. God teaches me over and over that I am wanted, loved and as a woman I am precious to Him.
Junior reflects that to me all the time and then I realize if he loves me that much....God loves me even more! It is awesome to think that I am that special. I am also one of many and you know what? That is ok. Somehow God makes each of us in a journey with Him feel like we are the only one. It is amazing to me. I know when my kids were little I wanted to be fair. It didn't matter that one child was different than the other....I wanted to be fair. God is fair with me, with all people and He is also able to make each of us feel pretty special. God trusts me to do work. I like that too. I can't help on renovating the house but I can cook, clean and try to make life comfortable for Junior. So he renovates and I try to make life comfortable. I like that. Junior isn't mad because I am not beside him working...I sense he does appreciate the things I do to bring him comfort at the end of a long day though.
What wilderness experience are you going through? Do you trust God to take you through it? It is hard to give up control at times but when you do....WOW!
May God bless you and protect you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
One of the biggest joys I have is being Junior's helpmate. I love that role so very much. I don't need to be better than him, I just want to help him. In the Garden when God created Eve He created her to be Adam's helpmate. Each had a role that was right for them.
As I entered into relationship with Junior I found moments where I was the one to shine. When I was working with the teens, Junior often stepped behind me so I was the one the kids or parents talked with. He knew this was my strong point and did not want to take away from me. It was a wonderful feeling for me.
As I write my blog, my writings I often read them to Junior. First for me reading it out loud helps me to "hear" how I am coming across. Second I want Junior's input. I look to him to help me in my faith journey. He is my spiritual leader. Men don't get as deceived as women tend to. Yes, men can be deceived but not as easily as a woman is. So Junior has recognized my strengths and has encouraged me to be what God is creating me to be. He doesn't have to be front and center just to be front and center.
I am useless with the rennovating on the house. I am weak and unable to figure out how to do construction. Junior is doing the brunt of the work and I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for the finished product. I do try to keep the house neat, food prepared for him/us to eat and I run errands when it will help him. My main goal is to make life comfortable for him for when his day is done. I think he appreciates that too.
As I thought about the wilderness experience recently I realized that this time of rennovating is a wilderness experience as well. God gave us this land, this house and if we follow Him we will have a nice home, a comfortable home and a home for if and when he is in a wheel chair. The house is old and needs a whole lot of work though. I am surprised at how much I love this house. It is one story, the washer and dryer are on the same floor not in a basement. The wrap around porch is awesome. The enclosed porch when all is finished will be wonderful to sit and look out on.
Our kitchen is make shift at best. I have no stove. I could use the old wood burner kitchen stove...not up to learning how to use it for cooking. We do use it for heat alongside the heat pump. With all the wood and paper trash we generate....we can heat this house fairly comfortably. Even though the kitchen is makeshift, I am able to cook good wholesome meals. Thank goodness for the crock pot, the electric skillet, the toaster oven and the microwave. With these I can make just about anything I put my mind to.
As I ponder the wilderness experience I find that our living arrangements at present are just that a time in the wilderness. We are comfortable and we slowly get the house in shape. For me most of my life the minute I moved somewhere I started dreaming of the next house, the better, prettier house. I think I am learning to be content and not want to move anymore. By investing so much sweat equity into the house....I don't want to move on. When we are done, we will have it exactly the way we want it. As I take my walks up the hard hill I find my energy getting stronger. I marvel at the beauty that is outside my door. I am grateful for this new home.
I also believe that Junior and I will be able to be on our own for a long time. With everything on one floor, we won't have to worry about doing stairs. We will eventually put in a wheel chair ramp or two, so the couple of stairs we go up now won't be a concern in the future either.
I think again that in a faith journey with God that God is a God of action. He provides but I need to step out and do. God does give us gifts all the time but many times those gifts are things we need to work at. The same for the Israelites in the wilderness, they had to go out and do.
I have to trust God won't give me more than I can handle. If the job seems overwhelming, then I need to remember God must know I am capable and start doing it. I love the lessons I have learned through my life time. As I got to the other side of the struggle I was often amazed that I was able to do it. Now a days though I believe that God is the one helping me move past the struggle. He gives me courage when I have none. He gives me words when I have none. He also gives me answers when I need them.
Sometimes I won't know an answer. God doesn't always give us answers. I am learning to be ok with that. It is hard. I want answers and for me the answers help me move forward, sometimes though God seems to say "not this time." So I learn to trust and to do and in all of that I move forward.
I have been in my steady faith journey for over a decade now. I have seen me grow through divorce, children who are angry, cancer and depression. I see again that just because I have entered into a faith journey doesn't mean that life is a cake walk. It does mean that when I go through trials though that God is there helping me through the struggles. To me that is an awesome gift. I am no longer feeling all alone in this wide world. For years that is how I felt. I felt unwanted, unloved and flat out unacceptable. God teaches me over and over that I am wanted, loved and as a woman I am precious to Him.
Junior reflects that to me all the time and then I realize if he loves me that much....God loves me even more! It is awesome to think that I am that special. I am also one of many and you know what? That is ok. Somehow God makes each of us in a journey with Him feel like we are the only one. It is amazing to me. I know when my kids were little I wanted to be fair. It didn't matter that one child was different than the other....I wanted to be fair. God is fair with me, with all people and He is also able to make each of us feel pretty special. God trusts me to do work. I like that too. I can't help on renovating the house but I can cook, clean and try to make life comfortable for Junior. So he renovates and I try to make life comfortable. I like that. Junior isn't mad because I am not beside him working...I sense he does appreciate the things I do to bring him comfort at the end of a long day though.
What wilderness experience are you going through? Do you trust God to take you through it? It is hard to give up control at times but when you do....WOW!
May God bless you and protect you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
August 13, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
One of the biggest joys I have is being Junior's helpmate. I love that role so very much. I don't need to be better than him, I just want to help him. In the Garden when God created Eve He created her to be Adam's helpmate. Each had a role that was right for them.
As I entered into relationship with Junior I found moments where I was the one to shine. When I was working with the teens, Junior often stepped behind me so I was the one the kids or parents talked with. He knew this was my strong point and did not want to take away from me. It was a wonderful feeling for me.
As I write my blog, my writings I often read them to Junior. First for me reading it out loud helps me to "hear" how I am coming across. Second I want Junior's input. I look to him to help me in my faith journey. He is my spiritual leader. Men don't get as deceived as women tend to. Yes, men can be deceived but not as easily as a woman is. So Junior has recognized my strengths and has encouraged me to be what God is creating me to be. He doesn't have to be front and center just to be front and center.
I am useless with the rennovating on the house. I am weak and unable to figure out how to do construction. Junior is doing the brunt of the work and I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for the finished product. I do try to keep the house neat, food prepared for him/us to eat and I run errands when it will help him. My main goal is to make life comfortable for him for when his day is done. I think he appreciates that too.
As I thought about the wilderness experience recently I realized that this time of rennovating is a wilderness experience as well. God gave us this land, this house and if we follow Him we will have a nice home, a comfortable home and a home for if and when he is in a wheel chair. The house is old and needs a whole lot of work though. I am surprised at how much I love this house. It is one story, the washer and dryer are on the same floor not in a basement. The wrap around porch is awesome. The enclosed porch when all is finished will be wonderful to sit and look out on.
Our kitchen is make shift at best. I have no stove. I could use the old wood burner kitchen stove...not up to learning how to use it for cooking. We do use it for heat alongside the heat pump. With all the wood and paper trash we generate....we can heat this house fairly comfortably. Even though the kitchen is makeshift, I am able to cook good wholesome meals. Thank goodness for the crock pot, the electric skillet, the toaster oven and the microwave. With these I can make just about anything I put my mind to.
As I ponder the wilderness experience I find that our living arrangements at present are just that a time in the wilderness. We are comfortable and we slowly get the house in shape. For me most of my life the minute I moved somewhere I started dreaming of the next house, the better, prettier house. I think I am learning to be content and not want to move anymore. By investing so much sweat equity into the house....I don't want to move on. When we are done, we will have it exactly the way we want it. As I take my walks up the hard hill I find my energy getting stronger. I marvel at the beauty that is outside my door. I am grateful for this new home.
I also believe that Junior and I will be able to be on our own for a long time. With everything on one floor, we won't have to worry about doing stairs. We will eventually put in a wheel chair ramp or two, so the couple of stairs we go up now won't be a concern in the future either.
I think again that in a faith journey with God that God is a God of action. He provides but I need to step out and do. God does give us gifts all the time but many times those gifts are things we need to work at. The same for the Israelites in the wilderness, they had to go out and do.
I have to trust God won't give me more than I can handle. If the job seems overwhelming, then I need to remember God must know I am capable and start doing it. I love the lessons I have learned through my life time. As I got to the other side of the struggle I was often amazed that I was able to do it. Now a days though I believe that God is the one helping me move past the struggle. He gives me courage when I have none. He gives me words when I have none. He also gives me answers when I need them.
Sometimes I won't know an answer. God doesn't always give us answers. I am learning to be ok with that. It is hard. I want answers and for me the answers help me move forward, sometimes though God seems to say "not this time." So I learn to trust and to do and in all of that I move forward.
I have been in my steady faith journey for over a decade now. I have seen me grow through divorce, children who are angry, cancer and depression. I see again that just because I have entered into a faith journey doesn't mean that life is a cake walk. It does mean that when I go through trials though that God is there helping me through the struggles. To me that is an awesome gift. I am no longer feeling all alone in this wide world. For years that is how I felt. I felt unwanted, unloved and flat out unacceptable. God teaches me over and over that I am wanted, loved and as a woman I am precious to Him.
Junior reflects that to me all the time and then I realize if he loves me that much....God loves me even more! It is awesome to think that I am that special. I am also one of many and you know what? That is ok. Somehow God makes each of us in a journey with Him feel like we are the only one. It is amazing to me. I know when my kids were little I wanted to be fair. It didn't matter that one child was different than the other....I wanted to be fair. God is fair with me, with all people and He is also able to make each of us feel pretty special. God trusts me to do work. I like that too. I can't help on renovating the house but I can cook, clean and try to make life comfortable for Junior. So he renovates and I try to make life comfortable. I like that. Junior isn't mad because I am not beside him working...I sense he does appreciate the things I do to bring him comfort at the end of a long day though.
What wilderness experience are you going through? Do you trust God to take you through it? It is hard to give up control at times but when you do....WOW!
May God bless you and protect you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
One of the biggest joys I have is being Junior's helpmate. I love that role so very much. I don't need to be better than him, I just want to help him. In the Garden when God created Eve He created her to be Adam's helpmate. Each had a role that was right for them.
As I entered into relationship with Junior I found moments where I was the one to shine. When I was working with the teens, Junior often stepped behind me so I was the one the kids or parents talked with. He knew this was my strong point and did not want to take away from me. It was a wonderful feeling for me.
As I write my blog, my writings I often read them to Junior. First for me reading it out loud helps me to "hear" how I am coming across. Second I want Junior's input. I look to him to help me in my faith journey. He is my spiritual leader. Men don't get as deceived as women tend to. Yes, men can be deceived but not as easily as a woman is. So Junior has recognized my strengths and has encouraged me to be what God is creating me to be. He doesn't have to be front and center just to be front and center.
I am useless with the rennovating on the house. I am weak and unable to figure out how to do construction. Junior is doing the brunt of the work and I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for the finished product. I do try to keep the house neat, food prepared for him/us to eat and I run errands when it will help him. My main goal is to make life comfortable for him for when his day is done. I think he appreciates that too.
As I thought about the wilderness experience recently I realized that this time of rennovating is a wilderness experience as well. God gave us this land, this house and if we follow Him we will have a nice home, a comfortable home and a home for if and when he is in a wheel chair. The house is old and needs a whole lot of work though. I am surprised at how much I love this house. It is one story, the washer and dryer are on the same floor not in a basement. The wrap around porch is awesome. The enclosed porch when all is finished will be wonderful to sit and look out on.
Our kitchen is make shift at best. I have no stove. I could use the old wood burner kitchen stove...not up to learning how to use it for cooking. We do use it for heat alongside the heat pump. With all the wood and paper trash we generate....we can heat this house fairly comfortably. Even though the kitchen is makeshift, I am able to cook good wholesome meals. Thank goodness for the crock pot, the electric skillet, the toaster oven and the microwave. With these I can make just about anything I put my mind to.
As I ponder the wilderness experience I find that our living arrangements at present are just that a time in the wilderness. We are comfortable and we slowly get the house in shape. For me most of my life the minute I moved somewhere I started dreaming of the next house, the better, prettier house. I think I am learning to be content and not want to move anymore. By investing so much sweat equity into the house....I don't want to move on. When we are done, we will have it exactly the way we want it. As I take my walks up the hard hill I find my energy getting stronger. I marvel at the beauty that is outside my door. I am grateful for this new home.
I also believe that Junior and I will be able to be on our own for a long time. With everything on one floor, we won't have to worry about doing stairs. We will eventually put in a wheel chair ramp or two, so the couple of stairs we go up now won't be a concern in the future either.
I think again that in a faith journey with God that God is a God of action. He provides but I need to step out and do. God does give us gifts all the time but many times those gifts are things we need to work at. The same for the Israelites in the wilderness, they had to go out and do.
I have to trust God won't give me more than I can handle. If the job seems overwhelming, then I need to remember God must know I am capable and start doing it. I love the lessons I have learned through my life time. As I got to the other side of the struggle I was often amazed that I was able to do it. Now a days though I believe that God is the one helping me move past the struggle. He gives me courage when I have none. He gives me words when I have none. He also gives me answers when I need them.
Sometimes I won't know an answer. God doesn't always give us answers. I am learning to be ok with that. It is hard. I want answers and for me the answers help me move forward, sometimes though God seems to say "not this time." So I learn to trust and to do and in all of that I move forward.
I have been in my steady faith journey for over a decade now. I have seen me grow through divorce, children who are angry, cancer and depression. I see again that just because I have entered into a faith journey doesn't mean that life is a cake walk. It does mean that when I go through trials though that God is there helping me through the struggles. To me that is an awesome gift. I am no longer feeling all alone in this wide world. For years that is how I felt. I felt unwanted, unloved and flat out unacceptable. God teaches me over and over that I am wanted, loved and as a woman I am precious to Him.
Junior reflects that to me all the time and then I realize if he loves me that much....God loves me even more! It is awesome to think that I am that special. I am also one of many and you know what? That is ok. Somehow God makes each of us in a journey with Him feel like we are the only one. It is amazing to me. I know when my kids were little I wanted to be fair. It didn't matter that one child was different than the other....I wanted to be fair. God is fair with me, with all people and He is also able to make each of us feel pretty special. God trusts me to do work. I like that too. I can't help on renovating the house but I can cook, clean and try to make life comfortable for Junior. So he renovates and I try to make life comfortable. I like that. Junior isn't mad because I am not beside him working...I sense he does appreciate the things I do to bring him comfort at the end of a long day though.
What wilderness experience are you going through? Do you trust God to take you through it? It is hard to give up control at times but when you do....WOW!
May God bless you and protect you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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