September 10, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

My Brother’s birthday would have been this month, I ponder him again and then I move on. I’ve found I do that with the death’s I’ve experienced, I ponder them on their birthdays and then again on the anniversary of their deaths. I also mourn for me I mourn the relationship and the lack of understanding I had with the deceased. I do that not only with my brother but also with both my parents. We never seemed to work past the struggles that entangled us. Dad I did for the most part. My thoughts on him are generally kind and forgiving. Mom, I did not seem to see the division until the year or two before her death and I am sad.

Our Minister at church is doing a series on men. I remember my thinking starting to change as I went to a series of talks about men. The women got up and said they loved it when their men began to lead them. It was weird to me at first. I also came from a female dominated back ground. Mom had to work she often led the family more than our Dad did. Mom’s often repeated quote was “God was only kidding when she created man.” I feel that we were raised with a feminist background. Mom would deny that she was a feminist but what Mom said went.

I have been trying to let Junior be the lead in our marriage. Sometimes I challenge him because I am seen as being needy and that wears on him. I’m not trying to be needy…I guess at times I am real needy. Still I want Junior to lead. I feel that I am his helpmate. I do make decisions and I don’t waiver too much either. I like that Junior discusses major decisions with me. I like that he wants my input. We then come up with the final decision together. Sometimes very rarely though he has to put a final decision on things and when he does, I’m good with it because we’ve discussed the thing. I generally understand his thinking and I know he isn’t deciding on something just to go against what I want.

One of the most endearing things I love about Junior is that he sees himself more of a servant. He sees that he needs to be lower than me in order to serve me. His goal is to seek my best. The more he does that the more I tend to want his best. He sees that Jesus came to be a servant and if he is a follower of Jesus then he needs to make himself lower in order to serve.

This type of thinking is a struggle for me. It is part of what allowed me to enter into abuse. I saw myself as being lower than my husband etc. That lower type of thinking though isn’t what we are being called to do. I also remember Scripture that says “to turn the other cheek” if you are slapped. I took it to mean that I am to let someone slap me and then to let them slap me again for the sake of being mean. God doesn’t want me to allow people to abuse me. I am wrong to give that person the right to hurt me for the sake of hurting me.

As I go along in my faith journey I found that I am also wrong in allowing someone to abuse me. I allow that person the right. If I would have been able to leave and insist I was not going to live in abuse then I would have done the right thing. The abuser would have learned early on that it is not acceptable. It is a hard lesson. For me it was hard because that is what I knew and I knew no different. Dad abused us kids and frankly I grew up thinking that was normal behavior. It took years and years of counseling to learn that I didn’t have to get slugged every time someone got angry.

Junior and I went for a hike with a young man and his family one time. It was interesting to see this young man watch out for his family, for Junior and I. I believe we have inside of us the pattern God wants us to be overall. As we came upon slippery, muddy areas he would make sure we were all able to cross in safety. Throughout the whole journey each challenge brought the need for him to watch after us. This was his need to be a man for those around him.

Junior often says he would defend me even if it meant he died. Men are defenders by nature and he isn’t afraid to defend me. I don’t want him to die, but I also find that precious as well. Junior has often come to my side when I’m given a hard time. He will use his man voice to let the other person know it is time to stop. He has never had to use strength to defend me; he would though if he had to.

I had a hard phone call one time. There was lots of screaming and hard words. I hung up in tears. I went to take a bath and the phone rang. The person called back. Junior said that they could not talk to me. There was enough anger for that time. He let them know that his wife could not deal with anymore.

As I journey along with Junior I find myself more and more willing to submit to him. I know that he wants my best. I also want to let him be what God has created him to be, the leader, the defender and the spiritual leader in our home.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.
Love