Friday, September 23, 2011

September 24, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Thoughts at large:

I’m thinking deeply about my faith journey….how do you explain a faith journey? I don’t want to use jargon….I want to use real words….so how do I do that?

For me my life has dramatically changed since the day I said the sinner’s prayer. I don’t remember the exact date….I remember saying the prayer and as the years have gone on much of my thinking and way of living has changed. As time has gone on I realize that I am on a journey.

Part of my faith journey has been to read my Bible. I’d often ask Junior a question and he’d say “what does the Bible say?” After a while I got tired of him saying that and I began to read my Bible. Many times now when I feel God speaking to me Scripture passages come to mind and those passages help me deal with the struggle I have.

My prayer life was fairly non-existent prior to marrying Junior. For the first 10 years of marriage or so we prayed together each morning. My counselor taught me the ACTSS prayer format and it has changed my life beyond words. Recently as I went through a huge struggle I spent an afternoon in prayer. I was hurting deeply. As I poured out my struggle to God I’d find thoughts coming to me, answers on how to deal with my struggle.

I did not hear “words” I heard ideas. Sometimes I’d see a picture in my mind’s eye. As I focused on the ideas that came to mind….I felt a peace…an understanding and then gradually an acceptance. As I re-entered in to the day, into life in general I was able to put into action some of what I “heard” God telling me. As I put these into action….life felt better. I felt stronger as well.

As I read the Bible and re-read it year after year I begin to find little nuggets of truth to build my life on. Sometimes it is straight forward like the 10 commandments or sometimes it is in how a person in the Bible handled a situation. King David is probably my favorite person in the Bible. King David loved God and often is called “a man after God’s own heart.” King David had faith, as a young man he killed Goliath. As an adult, a king…he screwed up and had sex with a woman who was not his wife. Then he had her husband killed. That was a pretty major screw up. When confronted though Kind David had enough sense to confess his sin and ask for forgiveness.

I also learn from King David that once I ask for forgiveness….I don’t have to keep feeling bad and re-living my transgression over and over again. I am truly forgiven, once and for all. King David had to pay a price for his sin. His sin was forgiven and he was able to enjoy life again.

I like to beat myself up in my mind’s eye. I have a hard time forgiving myself for whatever I’ve done wrong. Junior has taught me by the way he lives his life to truly let the transgression go. He led a life prior to meeting Jesus that is well…..pretty rough. He drank, he beat people up, he gambled away his paychecks, and he was into pornography and a whole host of other real yucky stuff. As I live with Junior and watch him do life….I see a peace in him, an acceptance of what he was and what he is now. That teaches me to let go of junk from the past and focus on life now.

These puppies have been a huge blessing. They love on me in ways that astound me. They are always happy to see me. Their warm little bodies feel so full of life and when my life hurts, they are looking to me to love them, to feed them (Junior does that but….) and they help me stay connected to life.

This brings to mind God’s blessings. Again this isn’t always something obvious. As I journey through life I am beginning to see God’s blessings. As I left my first marriage I got a cat. He was a warm body to snuggle with. Being a kitten at the time he could be playful as well. I’d want to snuggle and he’d want to play. Still he was a live body to interact with. He helped me stay…..away from a need to be ….. with men in the man/woman way. As the years have gone on, he still is that snuggle I need. He seems to know when I am hurting and he will snuggle up to me.

The young women I’ve been able to love on have been a huge blessing. I love to be near them, to offer my life’s experiences as a means to help them through theirs. I love giggling with them. As I hurt and long for my daughter to be in my life…God has given me young women to love in a motherly way. There is a young lady I know who knows the sting of divorce. I can share with her how I’ve worked through the various anger issues. She lets me share my life and from her, I get love, fun moments and a mother feeling. J next door is raising a boy. I often can share my experience of a mother who has raised a son. I also am able to share with J the things I’ve learned about being a wife. I share my journey of being with a man….a man who is different than a woman in so many ways and at times so confusing. My consistent teaching seems to be to “look to her man” to realize he is seeking her best interest and she needs to listen to him.

Even our move to VA has been a blessing. We weren’t planning on moving as I retired three years ago. When we felt led to move…we moved. There is not a moment that I am not grateful to be out here. It has been a lot of work, a struggle to adjust to a new life, a new place – two in two years even. In it all though, I’m ever grateful for the move. It was weird. There was an election in MI and we were unhappy with the choice the state made and we talked about moving, both of us at the same time. We moved and it has been awesome. Again the move has been hard at times but no regrets.

As I end this I’d like to ask you if you’ve ever looked at the blessings God has bestowed upon you? It can be hard to discern at times but the more you look, the more you will find.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet

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