June 25, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
"For such a time as this." I've been playing with this phrase I find in the book of Ester. She was made queen when the King got rid of the old queen because she would not come out and display herself when the King called her. Queen Ester was an Isralite, an orphan. The King picked her out of all the women in his harem to be the Queen.
The King's second in command was not happy with the Isralite people. Mordicai was the one he was angriest at. Mordicai would not bow to him and so he devised a plan to kill off all the Isralite's. Mordicai was Ester's Uncle and he raised her. He told Ester of the plot and felt she could intervene. He told her that she could have born for such a time as this.
Sometimes the only way I can deal with the struggles I've had in life is thinking maybe I can help someone else who is struggling with what I've gone through. I started this habit when my son was a baby. He would not talk no matter what I did to entice him to. The doctor thought I was spoiling him. This child would start crying when I held out a cookie telling him "say cookie". He couldn't hear me so repeating was not going to happen. Finally a doctor looked into his ears and they were inverted. He had so much fluid in his ears that they inverted. He couldn't hear that was why he wasn't talking.
It is at that point I began to want to tell others so no one else would have to go through what we did. He was angry and frusturated. I was beside myslef trying to figure out how to reach this child. As I have gone on in life I've tried to reach out to tell what I've learned so another may move through the struggle easier.
As I have entered into my faith journey this keeps coming back to me. I want to reach out to those that are hurting, mainly those who struggle with abuse. I want to offer them the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. He has taught me how to walk away, to let go of anger and a whole host of things. Counseling helps but Jesus, He comforts me when life hurts, He gives me the ability to walk away from junk...sin...and even the hurts of life. On my own, I would not be where I am today. Again counseling helps but Jesus seems to take me the extra step.
I was born for a time such as this....that statement helps me so much. I have a reason to live, a purpose to live and that drives me. Being wanted and needed have made me feel loved in ways I never felt love before. God trusts me too. That is a blessing. Even though I have fallen apart and am coming back, God still uses me. He tells me to write a blog, a book and I have, with His help. I am telling my story not for attention but so that maybe someone else may be able to move on from where they are.
In Virginia I have a need to reach out to the community out here. Many are real poor. I've been very poor and I can relate on that level as well. The young man that helped Junior has had a chance to have a steady income. It was small but he had money in his pocket for a short period of time last year...a couple of months. Hopefully he will get a job and move forward. My friend B has known the sting of abuse. I can talk to her in a more frank way. She knows I've been there and she hears the love when I talk to her. For such a time as this....again that plays around in my head. God had me grow and then He had me go out and do.
I don't think God wanted me to suffer what I have suffered. He does use my suffering though. He gives me the strength to face it, to overcome and then to go out and do. In the doing, I find I heal too. I am able to share what I've been able to overcome.
There was a real neat house over by P and I would have loved to get it. It was for sale, the sign said they only wanted serious offers. The people never called us back. It is just about a year and we left several messages. We found this house we have. We prayed. We really liked it as well. It was a lot of work though, we knew it and God seemed to say this was it. We bought it and it is a lot of work. I have never had a home that has felt as comfortable as this one. It is perfect for us and when Junior gets done, this will be a real comfortable home for us. Now though Junior works at renovating it. I work at feeding my man, keeping up what I am able to and someday we will have a real nice home.
M and J moved in during the summer while we were working on the house before we moved in. Once we moved in we have struck a friendship. I love J running around with me as I do errands, go for doctor appointments and what have you. J's mom died two years ago and she misses her mom. I have a need to reach out to young women. It helps ease the pain of a daughter who has walked away from me. I get to give her mother advice. I get to have help when I can't do things. She helps me set up the house when I need help.
I believe God knew that M and J were going to move in next door and that this house not the one by P would be the one. He directed us to buy it and now.... So the phrase for such a time as this comes to mind. God knew what I needed, what J needed and so we are now neighbors.
As I end this my thought is.....for such a time as this.....what is the time for you?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
June 18, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I have been thinking about the wilderness experience the Israelite’s went through. God had freed them from the Egyptians. God had the Egyptians give the Israelite’s their jewelry and some of their belongings as they left Egypt. The 10 plagues God performed on the Egyptians were amazing. The Egyptians could not stand it anymore and finally let the Israelite’s go.
Once the Israelite’s were out of bondage they began a journey of learning to allow God to lead them, to be responsible for their own actions. It was a process since they had been slaves and had not been given the chance to make their own choices for generations.
We all go through wilderness times. For me my divorce brought about a wilderness experience. I was unhappy in my marriage, very unhappy. I also did not want to be single. I met my ex when I was 16. He was the only guy I dated in high school. I married him 2 weeks out of high school. He was all I knew and being single was very scary to me. I prayed that God would save our marriage. God allowed the divorce to happen. I was scared and alone. I started counseling with my ex and continued on well after the divorce, went to Divorce Recovery and slowly I learned how to be single. I even found myself not wanting to be married if marriage was going to be what I experienced the first time. I'd rather be single than to live what I had lived for 24 years. In a way that time of the divorce and after were like the wilderness years for me. I met Junior at Divorce Recovery, he was my leader. I asked him where my friends and I could go to a singles dance. Junior led us to the dance and then joined my group. He danced with all the women including me. We enjoyed the dancing and Junior kept showing up at the dances with us. We had lots and lots of fun. Eventually we started dating and then married. I'm glad for that wilderness experience, even though I didn't want to go through it.
Cancer, that was a wilderness experience too. I felt fine when I went for a routine checkup. The mammogram showed some spots, a biopsy and a removal of the lump, I had cancer. Radiation beat me up real bad. I was tired throughout the process and for years after I had a hard time getting back to the old me.
My children grew up in the craziness of abuse. There were the loud fights, the scratching and clawing and life was miserable for all of us. I have learned through some classes on anger management children of abuse tend to blame Mom. They feel she should have gotten them out of that mess. My children have had to work through anger issues of their own.
One child hasn't talked to me in 12 years. If at a wedding or other event there may have been a "hello" and that's about it. No real communication. It hurts. The other child has been on again and off again, with a movement toward reconciliation on Mother's Day this year.
As we talked, he told me that he had to work out anger issues; hmmm I wonder where those came from??? As he was telling me about them, I was recalling the years of working through my own anger issues. I understood his struggle on a couple of levels. The Mom in me always hurts for my children when I hear of their struggles. The inner me related to that anger. I was an angry child lashing out at my sister and brother whenever Dad pounded on me. I was an angry wife when I lost battle after battle. I knew the anger he felt.
Again I think about the wilderness experience. I've been divorced for 14 years now. This year my son was able to talk to me about the pain he's had and a healing may be in the works. I pray it is. I have been in the wilderness wanting my children to come back to me. From the time I was in grade school I wanted to be a Mom. I was the oldest and I was the one who helped Dad when he couldn't help himself. I was the one to make lunches. I was the oldest the care giver. I was Mom's assistant (really I felt more like her lackey). She'd call me from my upstairs bedroom to get her coffee, answer the phone etc.
Being without my children has been about the most painful experience I've known. When they were little, they were the reason to keep going. Grandma knew I was struggling when she'd tell me to quit thinking those thoughts. Grandma was an anchor for me. I believed in Jesus at that point but never asked for any help.
Jesus is the only way I've been able to function since my divorce. He helps me, He holds me and He guides me. It is awesome, hard work at times but so worth the relationship. It is strange but for some reason when I prayed the sinner's prayer that is the moment I began to be in relationship. I didn't know it at the time but as I look back I see that is where my life has turned around.
When I got baptized out here I got baptized in the river behind the house we lived in at the time. To me it was my Red Sea. I had left Michigan behind and began a new life in my new promised land. This Promised Land has been awesome. We have people who take us as we are. We have a church family that helps us in our faith journey. It is here that I am coming out of a deep deep depression. I think I've been stressed my whole life. I think that it has caught up with me and that is the struggle I've been working out of these past years. The Janet who could clean, go to work, can't anymore. The Janet that kept bouncing back all of sudden hit a wall and the bouncing back has been a long process. I am moving forward, not fast enough to my liking, but forward it is.
Are you going through the wilderness now? Are you allowing God to lead?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I have been thinking about the wilderness experience the Israelite’s went through. God had freed them from the Egyptians. God had the Egyptians give the Israelite’s their jewelry and some of their belongings as they left Egypt. The 10 plagues God performed on the Egyptians were amazing. The Egyptians could not stand it anymore and finally let the Israelite’s go.
Once the Israelite’s were out of bondage they began a journey of learning to allow God to lead them, to be responsible for their own actions. It was a process since they had been slaves and had not been given the chance to make their own choices for generations.
We all go through wilderness times. For me my divorce brought about a wilderness experience. I was unhappy in my marriage, very unhappy. I also did not want to be single. I met my ex when I was 16. He was the only guy I dated in high school. I married him 2 weeks out of high school. He was all I knew and being single was very scary to me. I prayed that God would save our marriage. God allowed the divorce to happen. I was scared and alone. I started counseling with my ex and continued on well after the divorce, went to Divorce Recovery and slowly I learned how to be single. I even found myself not wanting to be married if marriage was going to be what I experienced the first time. I'd rather be single than to live what I had lived for 24 years. In a way that time of the divorce and after were like the wilderness years for me. I met Junior at Divorce Recovery, he was my leader. I asked him where my friends and I could go to a singles dance. Junior led us to the dance and then joined my group. He danced with all the women including me. We enjoyed the dancing and Junior kept showing up at the dances with us. We had lots and lots of fun. Eventually we started dating and then married. I'm glad for that wilderness experience, even though I didn't want to go through it.
Cancer, that was a wilderness experience too. I felt fine when I went for a routine checkup. The mammogram showed some spots, a biopsy and a removal of the lump, I had cancer. Radiation beat me up real bad. I was tired throughout the process and for years after I had a hard time getting back to the old me.
My children grew up in the craziness of abuse. There were the loud fights, the scratching and clawing and life was miserable for all of us. I have learned through some classes on anger management children of abuse tend to blame Mom. They feel she should have gotten them out of that mess. My children have had to work through anger issues of their own.
One child hasn't talked to me in 12 years. If at a wedding or other event there may have been a "hello" and that's about it. No real communication. It hurts. The other child has been on again and off again, with a movement toward reconciliation on Mother's Day this year.
As we talked, he told me that he had to work out anger issues; hmmm I wonder where those came from??? As he was telling me about them, I was recalling the years of working through my own anger issues. I understood his struggle on a couple of levels. The Mom in me always hurts for my children when I hear of their struggles. The inner me related to that anger. I was an angry child lashing out at my sister and brother whenever Dad pounded on me. I was an angry wife when I lost battle after battle. I knew the anger he felt.
Again I think about the wilderness experience. I've been divorced for 14 years now. This year my son was able to talk to me about the pain he's had and a healing may be in the works. I pray it is. I have been in the wilderness wanting my children to come back to me. From the time I was in grade school I wanted to be a Mom. I was the oldest and I was the one who helped Dad when he couldn't help himself. I was the one to make lunches. I was the oldest the care giver. I was Mom's assistant (really I felt more like her lackey). She'd call me from my upstairs bedroom to get her coffee, answer the phone etc.
Being without my children has been about the most painful experience I've known. When they were little, they were the reason to keep going. Grandma knew I was struggling when she'd tell me to quit thinking those thoughts. Grandma was an anchor for me. I believed in Jesus at that point but never asked for any help.
Jesus is the only way I've been able to function since my divorce. He helps me, He holds me and He guides me. It is awesome, hard work at times but so worth the relationship. It is strange but for some reason when I prayed the sinner's prayer that is the moment I began to be in relationship. I didn't know it at the time but as I look back I see that is where my life has turned around.
When I got baptized out here I got baptized in the river behind the house we lived in at the time. To me it was my Red Sea. I had left Michigan behind and began a new life in my new promised land. This Promised Land has been awesome. We have people who take us as we are. We have a church family that helps us in our faith journey. It is here that I am coming out of a deep deep depression. I think I've been stressed my whole life. I think that it has caught up with me and that is the struggle I've been working out of these past years. The Janet who could clean, go to work, can't anymore. The Janet that kept bouncing back all of sudden hit a wall and the bouncing back has been a long process. I am moving forward, not fast enough to my liking, but forward it is.
Are you going through the wilderness now? Are you allowing God to lead?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 10, 2011
June 9, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I am watching another layer of depression lift off of me. I did not realize how low I sunk and then as I see new growth I marvel. Through the last few years I also marvel at how loving our God is. He has held me so tenderly. The other night, the night before Mother's Day I'd sunk low again. That week before Mother's Day has gotten to be so painful for me.
I connected in a way I had not been able to connect with my son in years and all of sudden Mother's Day is not a dreaded moment. Saturday night though I prayed "Lord if you wanted to take me, I wouldn't mind." The painfullness of life was fairly raw at that point. Were my kids ever going to get how much I loved them, wanted them? Sunday he called and we talked heart to heart and....I felt that he finally got the struggle I had in life. He shared with me his struggles...something he hasn't done. What does a Mom want to do? She wants to hold her child close when life hurts and he let me do that once again.
As I come out of that joyous moment I begin to see again how low I had sunk. I have been coming back and yet still I struggle to do the simplest things. I get frustrated because I can't do what I once did. Some of it is I'm getting older but a whole lot of it is I have struggled to do life in a day to day kind of way.
Junior has been patient with me. He picks up the slack I can't do. He is trying to refurbish this house, the man could use some help and me....I'm a mess trying to do life in a day to day kind of way. He is also tired of hearing about the pain in my soul. He thinks it is time for me to move on, to accept that I may never have either of my children in my life. For me...I can't let go.
Counseling helps, my journaling on notepad helps, friends have listened and I am making forward movement. It is ever so slow and people do get tired of trying to hold me up and help me out. So I've made progress and yet....there are days and weeks that the forward movement seems to move backward.
I remember when my nephew died. His mother was so distraught. We all felt her pain. Then there was the moment of....what to say, what to do to show her the love she needs. She talked about him for months, years and the pain would not leave her. That was her child and she wanted him and....we couldn't bring him back.
That is where I've been these past few years. I want my child, children and they have the pain they lived through and they have seen me as part of the problem and the and's continue to pile up. They try to make sense of all the junk that went on. In the meantime, I try to make sense of all the junk that went on and life is a struggle at best.
The prayers have been constant. God's timing though is always right on time. I may have wanted what I wanted but you know what? The right time was....Mother's Day 2011 for my son to hear me. He feels he was an unwanted child. That breaks my heart. He was hard for sure. He had hearing problems, allergies, was ADHD and a whole host of struggles on top of the home life he lived through. What I keep trying to tell him is that he has always been wanted. He gave me a reason to live when I wanted to curl up and die. I tried suicide once, was terrified that I'd live and be a mess so I never really wanted to do that. Still I had plenty of times where I begged God to take me home. This year was no exception. The pain of life was about as raw as it could get for me.
So I'm glad God did not take me Saturday night before Mother's Day. I would have never had the heart to heart with my son and found the joy of hearing his voice, his tenderness and his struggle as he tried to make sense of his crazy upbringing. I hope he also heard how much he meant to me even though he felt unwanted. That breaks my heart. Both he and his sister were the reason I wanted to live when life sucked big time. In fact as I was starting my faith journey God had to tell me to quit worshiping my kids. I placed them so high in my life....I couldn't hear God. As I learned to love God first, I found life bearable. As I find life bearable, I am able to move through life and to be honest I think the kids see it even if they are distant. Hopefully they will see my faith and begin their own faith journey.
The last few years that became more important than reconciling. I want them to know Jesus and through Jesus I have found the healing to deal with all the junk my life has been. I also hear my Doctor yet again as she told me that victims of abuse tend to never walk away from the past. The past seems to come back to display itself over and over. I am finding that statement to be so true. I am grateful for my church family...they hold me/us so close. My husband has signed on for a lifetime commitment and has shown his love in standing by me even when I am not easy to deal with or understand. God, puts such wonderful healing people in my path, the young women to love as I mourn the loss of my daughter, the friends who let me cry one more time, my husband and even our pets who snuggle me.
As I ask often, have you forgiven someone recently? Is it time to let go and let God?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I am watching another layer of depression lift off of me. I did not realize how low I sunk and then as I see new growth I marvel. Through the last few years I also marvel at how loving our God is. He has held me so tenderly. The other night, the night before Mother's Day I'd sunk low again. That week before Mother's Day has gotten to be so painful for me.
I connected in a way I had not been able to connect with my son in years and all of sudden Mother's Day is not a dreaded moment. Saturday night though I prayed "Lord if you wanted to take me, I wouldn't mind." The painfullness of life was fairly raw at that point. Were my kids ever going to get how much I loved them, wanted them? Sunday he called and we talked heart to heart and....I felt that he finally got the struggle I had in life. He shared with me his struggles...something he hasn't done. What does a Mom want to do? She wants to hold her child close when life hurts and he let me do that once again.
As I come out of that joyous moment I begin to see again how low I had sunk. I have been coming back and yet still I struggle to do the simplest things. I get frustrated because I can't do what I once did. Some of it is I'm getting older but a whole lot of it is I have struggled to do life in a day to day kind of way.
Junior has been patient with me. He picks up the slack I can't do. He is trying to refurbish this house, the man could use some help and me....I'm a mess trying to do life in a day to day kind of way. He is also tired of hearing about the pain in my soul. He thinks it is time for me to move on, to accept that I may never have either of my children in my life. For me...I can't let go.
Counseling helps, my journaling on notepad helps, friends have listened and I am making forward movement. It is ever so slow and people do get tired of trying to hold me up and help me out. So I've made progress and yet....there are days and weeks that the forward movement seems to move backward.
I remember when my nephew died. His mother was so distraught. We all felt her pain. Then there was the moment of....what to say, what to do to show her the love she needs. She talked about him for months, years and the pain would not leave her. That was her child and she wanted him and....we couldn't bring him back.
That is where I've been these past few years. I want my child, children and they have the pain they lived through and they have seen me as part of the problem and the and's continue to pile up. They try to make sense of all the junk that went on. In the meantime, I try to make sense of all the junk that went on and life is a struggle at best.
The prayers have been constant. God's timing though is always right on time. I may have wanted what I wanted but you know what? The right time was....Mother's Day 2011 for my son to hear me. He feels he was an unwanted child. That breaks my heart. He was hard for sure. He had hearing problems, allergies, was ADHD and a whole host of struggles on top of the home life he lived through. What I keep trying to tell him is that he has always been wanted. He gave me a reason to live when I wanted to curl up and die. I tried suicide once, was terrified that I'd live and be a mess so I never really wanted to do that. Still I had plenty of times where I begged God to take me home. This year was no exception. The pain of life was about as raw as it could get for me.
So I'm glad God did not take me Saturday night before Mother's Day. I would have never had the heart to heart with my son and found the joy of hearing his voice, his tenderness and his struggle as he tried to make sense of his crazy upbringing. I hope he also heard how much he meant to me even though he felt unwanted. That breaks my heart. Both he and his sister were the reason I wanted to live when life sucked big time. In fact as I was starting my faith journey God had to tell me to quit worshiping my kids. I placed them so high in my life....I couldn't hear God. As I learned to love God first, I found life bearable. As I find life bearable, I am able to move through life and to be honest I think the kids see it even if they are distant. Hopefully they will see my faith and begin their own faith journey.
The last few years that became more important than reconciling. I want them to know Jesus and through Jesus I have found the healing to deal with all the junk my life has been. I also hear my Doctor yet again as she told me that victims of abuse tend to never walk away from the past. The past seems to come back to display itself over and over. I am finding that statement to be so true. I am grateful for my church family...they hold me/us so close. My husband has signed on for a lifetime commitment and has shown his love in standing by me even when I am not easy to deal with or understand. God, puts such wonderful healing people in my path, the young women to love as I mourn the loss of my daughter, the friends who let me cry one more time, my husband and even our pets who snuggle me.
As I ask often, have you forgiven someone recently? Is it time to let go and let God?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 3, 2011
June 4, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
June 5 is a date forever etched into my mind. Anniversaries tend to do that, especially when they are hard ones to remember. Twenty years ago, I can’t believe it has been that long. My nephew went on a school field trip and never came home. He was 12. Having a child die is about the hardest thing to live through.
As the years have gone on moments come. What would his man voice have been like? What would he have done with his life? What kind of girls would he date and eventually marry? What kind of a Dad would he have been? The questions are ever present and no answer is to ever be had.
I remember grieving him hard. I was the one at home with my kids and his sister and brother. His Mom and Dad had got a call to come to the hospital. I kept the kids. My ex had gone out and I was alone. I could not find him. I called our Minister and he came by. I wasn’t sure how the kids would respond and being alone I had no clue how to comfort four children who were going to grieve upon the news. The Minister told the kids and right away tears were present. The brother who was months younger grieved hard. All of them struggled with grief but the brother held onto our Minister hard.
Nephew, you are never far from my/our thoughts. We miss you and we love you.
God always amazes me. When I hurt badly, He holds me and then I find myself moving forward. When we moved to VA I was struggling emotionally. I remember sitting out on the porch and seeing nature happen around me, deer wandering by, humming birds dropping in for some nectar and the gentle quiet that is part of nature. In the new house I have my walks that are so peaceful. Sometimes horses are out grazing and I get to pet their soft noses. Sometimes a deer wanders across my path. Our back porch faces the woods and that is a beauty beyond words.
As we were moving in we noticed that new people moved into the house next to us. We finally found a way to say “hi”. Since that first “hi” a friendship has grown. They are younger than us. Neither drives. J likes running with me. We take trips to town for groceries, drugstore runs and the like. She goes with me when I check on the stores that have my books. We laugh and giggle.
J tripped over the dog and wound up with a nasty gash on her forehead. She had a doctor appointment and I had to have a repeat on my mammogram so both appointments were in the same town, the same day. First J went to her doctor and then I took her over to the emergency room to get the gash looked at. She then accompanied me to get the ultra sound done. Afterward I was glad she was there. The technician thought that my scar looked strange and said I’d more than likely need to have a biopsy. Not great news to hear.
Junior had a doctor appointment at the same time. He had not had his man check up in a while so I wanted him at his appointment. J was with me and I was grateful. She is way younger than me and sometimes I wind up having a “mother-daughter” talk with her. It feels so good to be able to share the wisdom of my years with her. Sometimes we talk about the “girl” stuff our bodies go through. Sometimes we talk about men. The man she is with was married before and he is the first man in her life in the “man and wife” kind of way.
Since this is my second marriage I had an idea of some of her feelings. We who have not been around the block worry we are not……..what other’s have been in our men’s lives. For me I remember feeling secure one night as Junior was falling asleep. He was talking in his sleep and stated I was the best lover he ever had. I hold fast to that statement. I no longer worry if I am as adept as other women were. I found out that night that because I give Junior my heart that is all he has ever wanted. We have found the mechanics of love have been made sweeter because first we give our heart and the mechanics work just fine otherwise.
There is a 20 year age difference between J and her man. I told her about how I tell Junior he is my stud muffin. I told her once more about my notes. I also had a conversation with her guy. That 20 year difference also brings questions to his mind. Will she want someone younger down the road? They both are committed and yet that underlying question is there.
I told J my story about Junior falling asleep. I told her how I write notes and how I try hard to make my guy secure in my love.
J was sick and the baby needed diapers. I took her guy M to get diapers. For me I still have moments when I am alone with another guy. I have fear that grips me. I asked Junior if he wanted to go. Junior thought hard about that question and decided I could take him. His ex ran off with another man and so he at times wonders if I will do the same. He decided to let me go. We after all these years still have our struggles with what went on in the past. As much as we trust there are still moments.
Anyway, I loved having the chance to talk woman to woman with J. I love her stopping by and helping me put the house in order – decorate what have you. We are doing Weight Watchers together and we are exercising together. I truly love having a young woman in my life, one that loves hearing my advice. She helps me and I have a chance to help her. It feels real good.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
June 5 is a date forever etched into my mind. Anniversaries tend to do that, especially when they are hard ones to remember. Twenty years ago, I can’t believe it has been that long. My nephew went on a school field trip and never came home. He was 12. Having a child die is about the hardest thing to live through.
As the years have gone on moments come. What would his man voice have been like? What would he have done with his life? What kind of girls would he date and eventually marry? What kind of a Dad would he have been? The questions are ever present and no answer is to ever be had.
I remember grieving him hard. I was the one at home with my kids and his sister and brother. His Mom and Dad had got a call to come to the hospital. I kept the kids. My ex had gone out and I was alone. I could not find him. I called our Minister and he came by. I wasn’t sure how the kids would respond and being alone I had no clue how to comfort four children who were going to grieve upon the news. The Minister told the kids and right away tears were present. The brother who was months younger grieved hard. All of them struggled with grief but the brother held onto our Minister hard.
Nephew, you are never far from my/our thoughts. We miss you and we love you.
God always amazes me. When I hurt badly, He holds me and then I find myself moving forward. When we moved to VA I was struggling emotionally. I remember sitting out on the porch and seeing nature happen around me, deer wandering by, humming birds dropping in for some nectar and the gentle quiet that is part of nature. In the new house I have my walks that are so peaceful. Sometimes horses are out grazing and I get to pet their soft noses. Sometimes a deer wanders across my path. Our back porch faces the woods and that is a beauty beyond words.
As we were moving in we noticed that new people moved into the house next to us. We finally found a way to say “hi”. Since that first “hi” a friendship has grown. They are younger than us. Neither drives. J likes running with me. We take trips to town for groceries, drugstore runs and the like. She goes with me when I check on the stores that have my books. We laugh and giggle.
J tripped over the dog and wound up with a nasty gash on her forehead. She had a doctor appointment and I had to have a repeat on my mammogram so both appointments were in the same town, the same day. First J went to her doctor and then I took her over to the emergency room to get the gash looked at. She then accompanied me to get the ultra sound done. Afterward I was glad she was there. The technician thought that my scar looked strange and said I’d more than likely need to have a biopsy. Not great news to hear.
Junior had a doctor appointment at the same time. He had not had his man check up in a while so I wanted him at his appointment. J was with me and I was grateful. She is way younger than me and sometimes I wind up having a “mother-daughter” talk with her. It feels so good to be able to share the wisdom of my years with her. Sometimes we talk about the “girl” stuff our bodies go through. Sometimes we talk about men. The man she is with was married before and he is the first man in her life in the “man and wife” kind of way.
Since this is my second marriage I had an idea of some of her feelings. We who have not been around the block worry we are not……..what other’s have been in our men’s lives. For me I remember feeling secure one night as Junior was falling asleep. He was talking in his sleep and stated I was the best lover he ever had. I hold fast to that statement. I no longer worry if I am as adept as other women were. I found out that night that because I give Junior my heart that is all he has ever wanted. We have found the mechanics of love have been made sweeter because first we give our heart and the mechanics work just fine otherwise.
There is a 20 year age difference between J and her man. I told her about how I tell Junior he is my stud muffin. I told her once more about my notes. I also had a conversation with her guy. That 20 year difference also brings questions to his mind. Will she want someone younger down the road? They both are committed and yet that underlying question is there.
I told J my story about Junior falling asleep. I told her how I write notes and how I try hard to make my guy secure in my love.
J was sick and the baby needed diapers. I took her guy M to get diapers. For me I still have moments when I am alone with another guy. I have fear that grips me. I asked Junior if he wanted to go. Junior thought hard about that question and decided I could take him. His ex ran off with another man and so he at times wonders if I will do the same. He decided to let me go. We after all these years still have our struggles with what went on in the past. As much as we trust there are still moments.
Anyway, I loved having the chance to talk woman to woman with J. I love her stopping by and helping me put the house in order – decorate what have you. We are doing Weight Watchers together and we are exercising together. I truly love having a young woman in my life, one that loves hearing my advice. She helps me and I have a chance to help her. It feels real good.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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