June 18, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

I have been thinking about the wilderness experience the Israelite’s went through. God had freed them from the Egyptians. God had the Egyptians give the Israelite’s their jewelry and some of their belongings as they left Egypt. The 10 plagues God performed on the Egyptians were amazing. The Egyptians could not stand it anymore and finally let the Israelite’s go.

Once the Israelite’s were out of bondage they began a journey of learning to allow God to lead them, to be responsible for their own actions. It was a process since they had been slaves and had not been given the chance to make their own choices for generations.

We all go through wilderness times. For me my divorce brought about a wilderness experience. I was unhappy in my marriage, very unhappy. I also did not want to be single. I met my ex when I was 16. He was the only guy I dated in high school. I married him 2 weeks out of high school. He was all I knew and being single was very scary to me. I prayed that God would save our marriage. God allowed the divorce to happen. I was scared and alone. I started counseling with my ex and continued on well after the divorce, went to Divorce Recovery and slowly I learned how to be single. I even found myself not wanting to be married if marriage was going to be what I experienced the first time. I'd rather be single than to live what I had lived for 24 years. In a way that time of the divorce and after were like the wilderness years for me. I met Junior at Divorce Recovery, he was my leader. I asked him where my friends and I could go to a singles dance. Junior led us to the dance and then joined my group. He danced with all the women including me. We enjoyed the dancing and Junior kept showing up at the dances with us. We had lots and lots of fun. Eventually we started dating and then married. I'm glad for that wilderness experience, even though I didn't want to go through it.

Cancer, that was a wilderness experience too. I felt fine when I went for a routine checkup. The mammogram showed some spots, a biopsy and a removal of the lump, I had cancer. Radiation beat me up real bad. I was tired throughout the process and for years after I had a hard time getting back to the old me.

My children grew up in the craziness of abuse. There were the loud fights, the scratching and clawing and life was miserable for all of us. I have learned through some classes on anger management children of abuse tend to blame Mom. They feel she should have gotten them out of that mess. My children have had to work through anger issues of their own.

One child hasn't talked to me in 12 years. If at a wedding or other event there may have been a "hello" and that's about it. No real communication. It hurts. The other child has been on again and off again, with a movement toward reconciliation on Mother's Day this year.

As we talked, he told me that he had to work out anger issues; hmmm I wonder where those came from??? As he was telling me about them, I was recalling the years of working through my own anger issues. I understood his struggle on a couple of levels. The Mom in me always hurts for my children when I hear of their struggles. The inner me related to that anger. I was an angry child lashing out at my sister and brother whenever Dad pounded on me. I was an angry wife when I lost battle after battle. I knew the anger he felt.

Again I think about the wilderness experience. I've been divorced for 14 years now. This year my son was able to talk to me about the pain he's had and a healing may be in the works. I pray it is. I have been in the wilderness wanting my children to come back to me. From the time I was in grade school I wanted to be a Mom. I was the oldest and I was the one who helped Dad when he couldn't help himself. I was the one to make lunches. I was the oldest the care giver. I was Mom's assistant (really I felt more like her lackey). She'd call me from my upstairs bedroom to get her coffee, answer the phone etc.

Being without my children has been about the most painful experience I've known. When they were little, they were the reason to keep going. Grandma knew I was struggling when she'd tell me to quit thinking those thoughts. Grandma was an anchor for me. I believed in Jesus at that point but never asked for any help.

Jesus is the only way I've been able to function since my divorce. He helps me, He holds me and He guides me. It is awesome, hard work at times but so worth the relationship. It is strange but for some reason when I prayed the sinner's prayer that is the moment I began to be in relationship. I didn't know it at the time but as I look back I see that is where my life has turned around.

When I got baptized out here I got baptized in the river behind the house we lived in at the time. To me it was my Red Sea. I had left Michigan behind and began a new life in my new promised land. This Promised Land has been awesome. We have people who take us as we are. We have a church family that helps us in our faith journey. It is here that I am coming out of a deep deep depression. I think I've been stressed my whole life. I think that it has caught up with me and that is the struggle I've been working out of these past years. The Janet who could clean, go to work, can't anymore. The Janet that kept bouncing back all of sudden hit a wall and the bouncing back has been a long process. I am moving forward, not fast enough to my liking, but forward it is.

Are you going through the wilderness now? Are you allowing God to lead?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet